Zipping my suitcase shut, I took a deep breath and looked at my reflection in the mirror. Dressed simply in navy trousers, cream V-neck jumper and the leather jacket I still loved slung over one arm, I took a deep breath to steady myself. My appearance was wan and there were bags under my eyes from all the sleepless nights I’d been enduring over the past couple of weeks, but a little Touche Éclat had done the trick.
Come on, old girl, you can do this.
‘Lydia are you ready?’ Erin called up the stairs, breaking my train of thought. ‘The taxi’s outside.’
‘I’m just coming,’ I replied, giving my jumper an anxious tug.
Pulling the door open, I carried my little case down the stairs and saw Erin waiting for me at the door.
‘You all right?’ she asked gently.
I gave her a brief nod of my head. ‘Of course.’
‘I understand,’ she said encouragingly. ‘Soon we’ll be at the airport and you can relax. If nothing else, you can get a well-deserved G&T into you.’
I said nothing and simply smiled as I followed her out into the early morning sunshine where the taxi driver picked up my bag and placed it in the boot. This was the day I had been dreading and looking forward to in equal measure. Today was the day I was going to get on a plane and find my first love. Today was the day I was going to find Jack Harrison and tell him the truth about what happened all those years ago – to say I was a little terrified is an understatement. I had always been dreading the trip, anxious about what would happen if I strayed out of my comfort zone, but not only that, I was scared stiff about seeing Jack again. For the umpteenth time since waking that morning, I wondered what on earth had possessed me to agree to this? I mean, who on earth went chasing long lost loves around the continent? Certainly not ones that were old enough to know better. And what if Jack didn’t want to see me? What if he looked at me in disgust? He might want nothing to do with me? Or worse, what if we did meet and we no longer liked one another? Wouldn’t it be better to leave the past where it belonged? After all, at the moment I had very fond memories of Jack. What if he had turned into some dreadfully bitter old man since I last saw him?
I paused for a moment to take a deep breath and calm down. Since my diagnosis, that panic had risen to epic levels. This morning all I had really wanted to do was crawl under the blankets and stay there, but to do that would be letting Erin down. She had invested so much of herself, not just into finding Jack, but organising the trip and of course, our involvement with the antiques fair. I just couldn’t do that to her.
Just then my phone buzzed with a text message. Taking it from my pocket, I smiled as I saw it was from Luke.
Just wanted to say good luck, Mum! Lx
Typical – always a man of few words. Surprisingly, Luke had been rather good when I explained what I was up to. I had fretted for ages about telling him that his father had kept secrets from me, and I wondered if he would think I was betraying Harry in some way with my quest. Yet Luke had simply shrugged during our video chat and said his dad might have been wonderful but he had his faults too, and he could understand why I needed to find Jack.
Putting the phone back in my bag, I clambered inside the cab that would take us to Bristol Airport. Erin shot me an encouraging smile and I felt more than a pang of guilt ebb away at me. I was as bad as Harry at keeping secrets from her, but I simply knew that at this time it was for the best. Although I had stuck to my decision to keep my Alzheimer’s diagnosis to myself, I still felt guilty for not confiding in Erin, Phil or even Luke. I knew Craig had encouraged me to talk to my family and loved ones but the moment I had been given the diagnosis I felt as though this was something I wanted to keep private, at least for now, I didn’t want their sadness, their disappointment – I wasn’t ready for all that.
But of course, that wasn’t the only reason I felt guilty. Since inviting Rosie and Tom to Paris to reconcile with their daughter, I had been ready to open my mouth and blurt out the words to Erin. Yet I had lost my nerve at the eleventh hour, each time resorting instead to asking Erin to top up my wine glass or pass me the salt. With the numerous requests I had made at the dinner table lately, Erin could be forgiven for thinking I had an eating disorder.
Now as I glanced across at Erin checking through the travel documents, I couldn’t help feel a flash of pride. She was a changed woman since Brad’s funeral, becoming more relaxed and clearly feeling more at ease and confident in life. It had been a wonderful thing to see, especially as I knew just how important it was that she attended the funeral. I knew Erin had wondered about her place there and had dreaded having to face that awful Cara girl, but if anything, I think that had been the thing that had changed her view of Brad. It was as if that day she had finally exorcised all those wretched demons and was ready to face the future. The big question now, was I?
‘So when we get to Paris, do you want to go straight to the hotel or would you rather get some lunch first?’ Erin asked.
‘Well, it will be quite early for lunch won’t it?’ I said, glancing at my watch and seeing it had just gone six in the morning. ‘Why don’t we get our bearings? Besides, surely we’ll get a meal on the plane?’
Erin smirked. ‘Not likely. It’s budget travel. We might be able to buy something on board though.’
I raised an eyebrow. ‘Tell me you’re joking. Next you’ll tell me you don’t even get a complimentary Bloody Mary on board and with my nerves this morning I’m going to need at least one.’
Erin smiled encouragingly. ‘You’ll be fine. I thought you were feeling much better about going to Paris now. You’ve got your phone; we’ll write the name and address of the hotel on a note in your bag in case we get separated.’
‘You’re making me feel like a child,’ I grumbled
‘You know I don’t think that,’ Erin said softly, ‘You’ve been my rock over the past few weeks. When Brad died, well, you know I would never have got through it without you or Rachel. I just want to repay the favour that’s all. I know you’re a bit worried about the trip and meeting Jack after all this time. It’s natural, I just want to look after you.’
‘And I appreciate that, Erin.’
‘You don’t need to appreciate it,’ Erin said, her green eyes filled with affection. ‘Just accept it. I’m so grateful to you for your friendship, I just want you to know that.’
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. ‘Well, you can show me how grateful you are by getting me a drink on board.’
‘Oh, Lydia,’ Erin chuckled. ‘You’re in for a surprise.’
Just twenty minutes into the flight I could see what Erin meant. Everything on board cost extra! Leafing through the menu I was astounded to see that they didn’t even give you any complimentary nuts with whatever aperitif you ordered.
‘Three pounds for crisps!’ I shrieked.
‘Okay, calm down Lydia,’ Erin said soothingly.
‘But it’s a bloody liberty.’ I jabbed my finger at the menu. ‘And look at this, five pounds for a gin and two pounds for a tonic! It’s downright criminal.’
‘Ssssh,’ Erin said warningly. ‘People can hear you.’
I glanced over the top of my menu and saw that Erin was right, other passengers were looking at me. ‘So what?’ I shrugged in a Gallic fashion. ‘I’m probably just saying what they’re all thinking.’
Turning my gaze back to the menu I saw the man in the aisle opposite chuckling. Tall and about my age with flecks of grey in his largely brown hair, he seemed to be travelling alone.
‘Quite right,’ he said catching my eye. ‘I’m wondering what on earth happened to the golden age of air travel.’
‘Judging by this menu, that’s long gone.’ I sniffed. ‘And what on earth is the matter with these seats? I feel like a sardine.’
The man snorted. ‘Yes, they do try and squeeze as many in as possible. It’s all bums on seats these days.’
‘Literally,’ I muttered. ‘I mean why on earth don’t people complain? In my day you stood up for yourself, you said what was what. It was the British way for heaven’s sakes. ‘Couldn’t agree more.’ The man smiled, holding out his hand, ‘I’m Jerry.’
‘Lydia,’ I said, ‘and this is my good friend, Erin,’
‘Pleased to meet you,’ Erin muttered before burying her head back in her guidebook. Perhaps she didn’t want to chat and make a new friend, but I did.
‘Let me be honest with you, Lydia. In my opinion, too many of these youngsters these days worry about whether or not we’ve offended someone. I’m all for speaking my mind,’ Jerry said conspiratorially.
‘Me too,’ I exclaimed. ‘There’s too much of this pussy-footing around, if we were a bit more upfront about our feelings, well, I can tell you this Brexit and the mess that’s followed would never have happened.’
‘Oh God,’ I heard Erin groan.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw her slump down a little lower in her seat and I stifled a giggle. The young today were too easily embarrassed.
‘Quite right,’ Jerry grinned. ‘So will you allow me to buy you an overpriced gin and tonic when the trolley dolly comes round.’
I roared with laughter at the un-PC comment. ‘I’d like that very much.’
It didn’t take long for Jerry to catch the air steward’s attention and within seconds I had a wonderfully cold gin and tonic, complete with a bag of nuts pressed into my hands.
I raised my plastic glass and clinked it against Jerry’s in gratitude, then took a sip of my drink, enjoying the feel of the ice-cold liquid trickling down my throat. I closed my eyes and sank back into my chair, the numbing effect of the alcohol quickly taking hold. I didn’t know if it was the gin, the flight, or even Jerry, but I was no longer the bag of nerves I had been when I woke this morning. Instead I felt calm, confident and even excited. I was about to face my past and embrace my future; something told me that not only would I survive this trip, but I would bloody well enjoy it as well.