Heidi loathed the thought of throwing in the towel. She had come too far even to think about it. Ed just did not understand what it meant to her. He had his job and his career. Every day when he walked out of the house, he, in effect, renewed himself. He arrived at his office and immediately became absorbed in a profession that he not only had trained for, but one that repeatedly allowed him to express a natural talent he had been fortunate enough to recognize early on and develop into a specific set of skills. She, of course, had been to college—and an excellent one at that—but her education, while formidable, had not been designed to equip her for an immediate field. As a double major—she had studied both literature and political science—certainly she had acquired verbal skills, enhanced writing ability, mental acuity, and a broad spectrum of knowledge about public affairs and the decision-making process; and certainly one could not discount the personal satisfaction derived from the achievement. But achievement for its own sake did not quite fill the need for something deeper. There had to be more to it than the acquisition of mere window dressing.
Her first choice would have been politics: something local to gain experience and contacts, and then perhaps something at the state level. With the set of skills she had, she had no doubt she could succeed. Public service was a worthwhile calling and one that attracted, if not rewarded, some of the brightest and the best. There was no reason she couldn’t be a player—throw herself into the mix, and shine. She had enthusiasm, confidence, ambition, and talent. She only lacked opportunity.
That had come quickly enough, though not in the way she had envisioned. At the outset, she became involved in several programs designed to assist homeless individuals recover a modicum of dignity with job training and counseling. Her role had been as an advisor, and, over time, she had come to appreciate its useful and, indeed, vital function. But she also came to realize that rejuvenating and uplifting the homeless did not give her the kind of exposure she required if she were to move into the public realm in any meaningful way. For that, she needed to get out of her assigned role as a virtual bureaucrat and into something…sexier.
The “bread runs” she had organized had, for a time, done the job of getting her out and about among the masses, so to speak. To make them successful, she had enlisted the help of a variety of volunteers: college students looking to beef up a curriculum vitae, church members out to follow the precepts of the Gospel, a few bored and curious individuals looking for a “different” experience, those who simply wanted to help others, and a few like-minded souls out to acquire a particular set of credentials. It was always an odd bunch that accompanied her on nightly excursions down to the seedier parts of the city, where the homeless, the shiftless, and the outright hopeless cases tended to dwell: under bridges, in city parks, the alleyways, and in doorways. But the motives of those who helped her did not really matter. She gave little thought to why any of them tagged along, or even to whether they would stay for the long haul. Some came along for one or two nights only; others could be counted on for weeks at a time. She was just thankful that, finally, she was on to something that would give her, via an occasional article written up in the Oregonian or in one or two Portland weeklies, visibility: a visibility she hoped to capitalize on when the time was ripe.
It all may have happened thus, as planned. She may indeed have reached the zenith of her aspirations by becoming a member of the city council, a neighborhood representative, even the mayor…then perhaps on to a state office. Unlikelier things had come about in the city of Portland. The anomaly of a relatively unknown woman breaking into the ranks of elected officials certainly had precedents; all one had to do was persevere. The road ahead may have been narrow, but it was straight.
The revelation of misguidance occurred one evening, apropos of a news article she had read about global warming. Up to this point she had taken to heart the dire predictions promulgated by a number of the world’s prominent scientists. In the face of so much overwhelming evidence, she had never been a doubter. She gave unqualified credence to the generally accepted claim that global warming posed a massive threat to the ability of the earth to sustain many of its life systems. Only a fool or an ignoramus, she thought, could fail to see what was at stake. And only a fool or an ignoramus could sit idly by and not attempt to do something to reverse the situation. Certainly, helping the homeless population on Portland’s city streets was high on her list of priorities. And she was ever cognizant of how she might personally benefit by building a reputation as a Good Samaritan (indeed, in that respect, she had come to appreciate that among the homeless she had become known as an “Angel of Mercy”). But priorities can shift, and over time hers had shifted.
She did not give up entirely the effort to reach out to the human shipwrecks that shuffled along gritty sidewalks during the daylight hours and, at night, sought out a place of repose and refuge, whether in a back alley or in an arboreal encampment on the side of a hill. She continued to administer to them with almost as much regularity as always. At the same time, she became more involved with environmental issues. Her awareness of how much needed to be done—not only to inform the public (books, magazines, television programs, etc. abounded for that purpose) but as well to provoke and stimulate discussion—rose to a level commensurate with her own educational efforts. The more informed she herself became, the more she realized that the academic approach did not have the potential to arouse public awareness as much as an outrageous act, an act purposely intended to trigger a chorus of viewpoints and opinions, condemnatory or otherwise. Taking a page from the Earth Liberation Front, as well as from Greenpeace, she decided that unequivocal audacity held the better hope of shaking people loose from their complacency…
§ § § § § §
Heidi had phoned Rick earlier that day and asked to get together with him. She told him she wanted to talk about his notion of going to Montana to look after his buddy. While not committing herself, the idea sounded interesting, she said, and she wanted to hear more about it.
They met at the same coffee shop where he and Jody had met a few weeks before. He showed up shortly after she did and after buying coffee and donuts for himself joined her at a table in the rear of the shop.
“You’re looking good, Rick,” she told him, after he settled into place across the table from her.
“It’s my new image,” he said, referring to a fresh haircut, a pair of pressed chinos, a new pair of Nike Runners, and a plaid shirt to go along with his corduroy jacket. “I’m thinking about leaving ‘The Life’ behind. I’m gonna take some night classes at Portland State.”
“Really? That’s wonderful, Rick! But when did you decide all this?”
“My past is catching up with me, Heidi,” he said, sitting back in his chair and affecting an expansive and open demeanor. “I’m getting older. And I just decided I want to take a different direction. I’ve seen too many of my buddies get wasted by drugs and booze, and I don’t wanna go that way. You either die young, you go to prison, or you wind up feeling that you wasted your life. I think I’m destined for something else…”
“That’s just great, Rick—really—I don’t know what to say. But congratulations. Anything I can do to help, let me know. Education is something I’ve had plenty of, and I know what a life-changing experience it can be.”
“Yeah, well, we can’t stay in one place forever, can we? If we do, we miss too many opportunities. But, speaking of looking good, you’re not looking bad yourself, Heidi. What have you been up to, anyway?”
“You mean Jody hasn’t told you?”
“I haven’t talked to her in a while. I called about a week ago, but she didn’t pick up. I didn’t know what to think.”
“I think she’s still struggling with what happened. She’s been up and down with it. Real moody lately…”
“What did happen?”
“That’s right, you don’t know, do you? How would you?”
She spent the next few minutes going over the events of that night. A new commitment to environmentalism had brought Whit out of the closet, so to speak. He had wanted to take a more active role in the group’s effort to inspire greater public awareness and, to prove his sincerity, had joined them in their latest activity. Getting right down in the trenches with everyone else, he had done his share of “handiwork.” Unfortunately, his enthusiasm got the best of him. A wild impulse had resulted in a fatal accident. It had happened so quickly that no one had time to react, and the aftermath had left everyone feeling dejected and ready to quit. At this point, she herself wasn’t even sure if they hadn’t, unofficially, disbanded.
Finishing up, she said, “I suppose someone should have told you earlier. After all, Whit was a friend, wasn’t he?”
“Yeah…Whit was my man…I’m really sorry to hear about it. I knew a few people he knew. I’ll have to let ’em know. But, hey, you deal with your grief and then life goes on. I’ll have a drink sometime, in honor of his memory. Not much more you can do, you know?”
“We thought a memorial would be nice. But, so far, everybody’s still spooked by the whole thing. At this point, it’s not something most of them even want to talk about.”
“I can understand that,” Rick said. “Something like that puts a hole in your sense of expectations. But, listen, do you really think the group might break apart?”
Heidi swirled her cup of coffee, as though rolling a set of dice and hoping they would come up snake eyes. The very same question had plagued her for the past couple of weeks, since the accident, and while she thought she could count on Jody and Lisa, she had doubts about the others. To the extent that they had not even contacted her, which none of the others had, she felt intuitively a definite sense of dissolution. Her own instinct, undeterred by the magnitude of the setback, was to go on. She truly believed and accepted the wartime maxim of inevitability: people got caught in the line of fire, casualties were to be expected, horrible things happened. But she also believed in the necessity of the fight. If someone didn’t take a stand, bring to the forefront, even in objectionable ways, the risk of not doing anything about the environment, the consequences would be greater than anyone could imagine. For all its resilience, demonstrated again and again over eons of time, Mother Earth was a finite capsule and one that evidently was becoming more and more susceptible to the miscalculations, rapacity, and interference of one of its creatures.
“I honestly don’t know. I’m thinking about calling a general meeting to see where we go from here. One of the things I’m thinking about doing is suggesting that we back off the more radical stuff for a while…maybe concentrate on writing a blog, with input from everyone…”
Rick nodded sympathetically. “I can certainly see your point,” he told her. “And it’s probably a wise decision. I mean, a good general knows when to retreat from the field of battle, Heidi. He knows how to husband his resources and conserve the energy needed for another fight on another battlefield…”
Heidi smiled. “I like that analogy, Rick. Thank you.”
“No, seriously, Heidi…anyone in a position of leadership has to think of themselves that way. I mean, it really comes down to the same thing, doesn’t it, whether you’re a general of a large army or the leader of a small group? Either way, you’re still leading, and you still have to make decisions affecting people under you. It’s just that it goes by different names and involves a different kind of battle.”
“So you see it as a battle, then?”
“Don’t you?”
“Yes. But I didn’t know you did, Rick…we’ve never really talked about it before.”
Rick shrugged. “The people I run with, Heidi, aren’t exactly into making the environment a focal point of their lives. Some of them don’t even care if the garbage man comes by more than once a week.”
“So, what happened to you?”
Rick shrugged again and smiled the self-deprecating smile of one having to make a lame excuse for himself. “To tell you the truth, I don’t really know, Heidi. Sometimes you get so caught up in a lifestyle that you don’t make room for any other priorities. It’s the people you run with who decide the priorities for you. Peer pressure, I suppose. You know, like in high school. You remember how it was back then, don’t you?”
Heidi gave him a look of thoughtful appraisal. She had never seen this side of Rick, did not even suspect it. Yet here it was—a revelation that seemed to go to the heart of the man. A revelation that contradicted the easy impression of an outsider or a misfit: of a man who, for whatever reason, inhabited the fringes of society. The leather jacket, the long hair, the scruffy jeans, the scuffed combat boots, a general demeanor of in-your-face defiance—whether willfully or not, he had typecast himself in a role that others found repugnant and beyond redemption. So it was all the more extraordinary, then, this abrupt shift in his attitude. In her eyes, he was like a wayward soul who had finally realized an emptiness in his life that needed to be filled. No less than those of the homeless she had coaxed back from the brink of hopelessness and despair, he had risen from the altar of his failures and had vowed to renew himself. He would need encouragement and understanding, true enough, but this change was a beauteous thing to behold, and she would embrace it no less than, as an Angel of Mercy, she had embraced some of those whose lives had gone missing.
“High school was rough on us all.” She laughed. “But some of us survived it better than others. But tell me something, Rick, this friend of yours—what’s that all about? I mean, Jody mentioned it, but—well, frankly, I don’t quite understand.”
“What’s to understand, Heidi? My friend Peewee is really pissed at a rancher dude, some guy he saw on the tube. The guy’s become sort of a professional wolf hunter, out there blowin’ them away for the hell of it. Peewee thinks the guy needs a good lesson, and he wants to be the one to teach it to him.”
“By going all the way to Montana?”
“Jody said the same thing,” Rick said with a laugh. “And I’ll tell you what I told her…we went all the way to Cleveland and blew up a stack of bricks. How’s that any different?”
“I know, but…”
“No, really, Heidi, it seems like a crazy thing to do, but he’s got a point. I mean, he’s not so far off the mark when he talks about it in terms of the bigger picture—destruction of habitat, endangered species, and all that. Besides, with him it’s sort of personal…He’s got Indian blood in him and, the way he tells it, his ancestors revered the wolf. It was a creature that had some noble aspects the Indians thought worth emulating—you know, tight social bonds, cooperative hunting skills, devotion to family, and so on. He’s really into it, and I’m not so sure I can talk him out of it.”
“Do you want to talk him out of it, Rick?”
Allowing a rare flash of vulnerability, Rick smiled awkwardly. “You got me there, Heidi. I mean, I gotta admit, it beats sitting around drinking beer and entertaining your buddies with bullshit. And I can see where he’s coming from when he talks about the environmental part. And I think he’s sincere. Besides, you gotta remember that Peewee and I go back a long way. We were in Kosovo together, and that kinda thing creates a bond stronger than cement. I’d almost hafta say I’m intrigued by the idea, and I’d like to see him go through with it.”
“And you’d like to go with him, wouldn’t you, Rick?”
Rick showed his abashed smile again. “Two outta two, Heidi. You got me on both counts.”
Pleased with herself, Heidi smiled. “Have either of you ever been to Montana?”
“Funny you should ask, Heidi, because I asked Peewee the same thing. And he said he thought he’d lived there in another life, that it’d even been an ancestral homeland. But that doesn’t count, does it? You’re talking about something a little more recent, right?”
“Ah, yeah, Rick…let’s try to keep it within our lifetimes.”
“Well, in that case, the answer is no,” Rick said with a grin. “But we both know how to read a map.”
“You would need more than a map, wouldn’t you? Do either of you know anyone back there?”
“Do you mean, do we know anyone else who wants to shoot cattle?”
Heidi had to laugh at his shameless playfulness. She decided it was part of his charm. “No,” she said indulgently. “I just mean, you might be able to coordinate it with like-minded individuals. Surely, Peewee can’t be alone in his indignation. There’s bound to be others who feel the same way about wantonly killing a wild creature. And if you do go back there, you’ll probably need someone to get you oriented. At this point, you don’t know where this rancher lives. Nor, I take it, do you even know his name…”
“Good points, Heidi,” Rick conceded. “And it’s not the kind of thing Peewee’s good at. He’s the kind to rush into something without first thinking it through. What he really needs is a guiding hand, someone capable of considering logistics. I mean, I think that’s why we succeeded in Cleveland…because—in no small part, thanks to you—we worked it all out beforehand. We were organized, the way any project should be.”
“We did do it right, didn’t we, Rick?” Heidi said, remembering with pride how it had all come together. “And it would have been perfect except for the security guard—but that was unpredictable, one of those variables that can’t be planned for.”
“You bet, Heidi, and except for that, it all went like clockwork. And, you know, it could be done again. With the same amount of preparation and planning, it could be pulled off. I just have to convince Peewee of the necessity so he doesn’t go running off on his own.”
“You think you can, Rick?”
“I don’t know. But I gotta try.”
“Maybe I could help…?”
“How’s that?”
“I could go online to see if there are any groups back there who might be willing to help. You know, radical is not confined to our area. There are probably more people out there than you might imagine who harbor a desire to do something really bold and audacious when it comes to the environment. They just need to know they’re not alone.”
“Anything you could do like that would be great, Heidi. But you wouldn’t wanna do it yourself, would ya?”
“Are you feeling that you need company, Rick?”
“Am I that obvious, Heidi? Or are you just that smart?”
“Probably a combination of both, Rick.” Heidi laughed. “But I have to tell you that I do like the idea for its originality. I’m not sure that it’s doable, because of the logistics involved, and I have to come to grips with killing one animal to protest the killing of another. But, in the main, it does have appeal…”
She remembered back to the piece that had appeared in the Cleveland New Dealer, along with the Internet posting of Tony’s black-and-white photograph of the falling smokestack. She recalled how gratifying it had been just to see the group’s name in print and how mention of it had lifted them on to a level of credibility unattainable in any other way. True enough, they had not suddenly become a Greenpeace nor had they acquired the notoriety of the ELF. Even so, the deed by itself had conferred legitimate bragging rights, rights that could neither be challenged nor disparaged. “I guess it is a possibility. But when was Peewee thinking about doing all this? Or does he have a timetable yet?”
“I don’t know, Heidi. I just know that he’s eager to do it. Whether or not he would want to wait around for someone else to make up their mind to go with him, I don’t know. He’s kind of a loner, you know, and might just wake up one morning and, on an impulse, decide to hit the road.”
“Well, anyway, Rick, it’s something for me to think about,” she said, looking at her watch, “and of course I would have to talk to the others. But I can let you know.”
“If you decide you wanna do it, Heidi, that’s great. We can get it all worked out, just like we did for Cleveland. On the other hand, if you go or not, I can tell ya, Peewee’ll probably head out on his own, sooner than later, and I’ll be along for the ride. That’s just the way it is between friends.”
“I respect that, and I admire you for it, Rick. But let me think about it. Okay?”
“Sure thing, Heidi.”