posted by EditingEmma 11.19
I Am Never Coming Into School Again
Something so horrifically embarrassing has happened to me. Oh God. I might die of shame. Can a person die of shame?? Because I think if a person could, it would be me.
I’m still so embarrassed I can barely bring myself to write it down, but blogging is therapeutic…so here we go.
Mr Allen handed me back my essay. He looked really red and didn’t make eye contact. I was just wondering whether I’d accidentally doodled ‘I <3 Mr Allen’ on it, or something, when Faith leant over.
‘Emma, what’s that?’
‘What?’
‘On the back of your essay.’
I turned it over.
Oh no. Oh. NO. Oh no.
Noooooooooo.
SO MUCH WORSE THAN A DOODLE.
So the other day after Mum said the printer was ‘having a meltdown’ (which definitely means she was just using it wrong) and she accidentally printed off loads of photos on our computer. She started screaming about ‘paper waste’ as if she was personally responsible for destroying the entire Amazon rainforest. So I told her to turn round the paper and put it back in the printer… And then, I forgot…
Some of the photos were… Oh God.
The pictures me and Gracie took of ourselves, the other day… When we were pretending to be Victoria’s Secret models…
Oh God.
You can probably put two and two together.
WHY DIDN’T I DELETE THEM?!?!?!?!? WHY????
I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LOOK MR ALLEN IN THE EYE AGAIN.
‘What did you get, incidentally?’ asked Faith.
‘B plus.’ I pondered. ‘Do you think he was grading my body?! Because if he was, that’s disgusting.’
‘Uh, no.’ Faith shook her head. ‘I think Mr Allen is a nice person who doesn’t think about his students in a sexual way or judge other human beings based on their appearance, and you’ve terrified the living daylights out of him. Plus, you’re definitely an A, baby.’
I paused. ‘Thanks. I think.’
Afterwards I showed them to Steph. I thought she’d laugh and make me feel better, but all she said was, ‘Oh? When did you take these?’ Her voice sounded all crisp.
‘Err… a few days ago?’
She nodded and didn’t say anything else, so I put my phone away. I shouldn’t have shown her… I mean, she’s in her first proper relationship, maybe losing her virginity and not telling me about it, and I’m messing around with Gracie like a twelve-year-old. She’s probably starting to notice what a chronically underdeveloped human being I am.
posted by EditingEmma 14.39
At Least SOMEONE Finds It Funny
I was just hiding in the design room doing an extra session, because I couldn’t face bumping into Mr Allen in the dining hall, when Charlie came in.
‘Hey, what was up with you in English?’ he asked.
I hadn’t even noticed he was in my English class. Huh.
Anyway, lying about it seemed futile at this point, so I told him.
He looked stunned for a moment. ‘Oh. My. God,’ he said.
For a while he didn’t say anything else, then he started having a massive coughing fit.
‘Are you all right?’ I asked.
After a minute or two, I realized the coughing was his way of trying to cover up a HUGE laughing fit.
‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry…’ he spluttered.
‘No, it’s fine,’ I said, totally relieved. And then I started laughing too.
The laughing was actually what I wanted. To be honest, it’s kind of the reaction I was expecting from Steph…
It made me feel better, until his laugh started reminding me of ****’s laugh. Which is when I abruptly stopped laughing, put my head down and carried on working.
I Won’t Give Up That Easily
I was walking home, wondering whether to send Steph this really funny picture of some monkeys on a moped or whether she’d react the same way she did earlier. I opted to keep it to myself. Then I thought about how it’s now officially been three whole days and I’ve not had so much as a cursory like from Kayleigh. I wonder how mature she is? She did post that picture of her cat dressed up as a horse, so it seems like we might be on the same wavelength.
I was still thinking about it, a bit at a loss for what to do next, when I noticed our neighbour’s cat, Pudding, sitting on a wall. Suddenly I had a brainwave.
Now, how does one abduct a cat?
Not abduct. Borrow. How does one borrow a cat?
posted by EditingEmma 18.35
Cat-Snatching
Right. I’ve been rooting through the cupboards and found an old can of tuna. Cats like fish, right? So my plan is to wave the tuna in front of its face and lead it into the house. Easy. Then I just need to borrow the cat long enough to take some adorable photos with it. How hard can that be? Not very. Tuna, in, snap, snap, out.
I can see Pudding is still on the wall. She must be hungry by now. And I’m quite convinced I see loneliness in her eyes… She’d probably love a cuddle. If you think about it, I’m actually being very charitable. Maybe I should forget all this fashion stuff and consider working at a pet spa. It may well be my true calling.
Cat-Scratching
Oh my God. I thought cats were supposed to be nice. I thought they were supposed to be family pets.
Why does anyone go near those things?!?!?!
I went outside and found Pudding sitting in its usual place on the wall. I approached it and it eyed me suspiciously. Then I got out the tuna and waved it under its nose.
‘Heeere Pudding Pudding Pudding,’ I called. ‘You like fish, don’t you? Mmmmm.’
Pudding glanced at the tuna, then looked away and yawned. Seriously. It YAWNED.
What are they feeding this cat? Caviar?
I thought, maybe if I just go in for a selfie here? So I did. But the resulting selfie was of me leaning next to a totally disinterested, random cat on a wall. It wasn’t even looking in the right direction.
‘Can’t you look at the camera?’ I asked it.
It carried on looking into the mid-distance.
I stood dithering for a little while until I just thought, sod it… Now, what happened next was not my finest moment…
I grabbed the cat.
OK, it was rash, but I was panicking!!! All I wanted was a cute picture! Aren’t cats cute and cuddly?!?! Isn’t that their WHOLE DEAL?!
No. Apparently, it is not.
Pudding started wriggling and clawing and making HORRIBLE noises. I mean, really, truly awful noises. Like I was Cat-Satan dragging it to the depths of fiery Kitty-Hell. I managed to get it into the living room, where it started leaping around the furniture like a totally berserk thing.
‘Stay still! Pudding! Sit!’ I was yelling. But it kept bouncing around, knocking stuff on the floor.
After a minute or two, I realized this would be my only photo op, so I started chasing Pudding around trying to get in the shot. Which was obviously impossible. I got a few of me with its rear end as it leapt around, but that was about it.
Eventually I let Pudding out and it rushed down the path. JUST as Pudding’s owners were arriving back next door.
I stood in the doorway, facing Mr and Mrs Pudding and Baby Pudding, who were all looking at me totally aghast.
‘What’s going on?’ Mrs Pudding broke the silence.
‘Er, Pudding seemed to find its way into our house and er, I was just letting it out,’ I said weakly.
They all carried on staring at me. I pulled my shirt up to hide the scratches.
‘Her name is Anastasia,’ said Baby Pudding forcefully.
Seriously? Where did I get Pudding from?
‘Oh, right, yes, of course, sorry. Bye, Anastasia!!’ I said in my cutest voice, and shut the door. Good riddance, devil cat.
Now I’m completely covered in deep, red marks, I smell like tuna and all I’ve got to show for it is one picture of me and a cat’s bottom.
Still, better than no picture. I guess it will have to do.
Picture posted. My caption is: ‘Me and Pudding love chasing each other round!!! #lazyevenings #catlovers’ with lots of hearts and cat emojis. I’ve also liked loads of Kayleigh’s cat pictures.
Faith already commented, ‘All right, come on now. WHO is Pudding?’ but I deleted it.
Anyway, still nothing. Nada. Squat. Come on Kayleigh. Take the bait!! The cute, furry, EVIL Satanic monster bait!!!!