posted by EditingEmma 12.39
The ‘Big Night’ has Arrived
Usually Steph would come get ready with me for BOB but, continuing in the name of giving her more space, I’ve left her to it. She’s probably getting ready with Andy, so I’ll go with Gracie.
I’m staying at Steph’s after in preparation for her traditional birthday sleepover/family lunch tomorrow, so I’ll see her then. In all honesty, I’m looking forward to that more than the event. It’s funny…everyone’s been going on about this for weeks, and now it’s here I’m just sort of not in the mood for it. I think (AGH) it must be old feelings suddenly crashing back in for Leon. I just can’t wrap my head around it… I genuinely thought I was getting on my way to being over it. Now I feel like what I imagine it must be like to build a house, and then suddenly realize it was actually a tent after a strong gust of wind. Is it really true that being reminded of his smell can send me hurtling way back from the finish line? Or have I been lying to myself this whole time? Was I never really getting over it at all?
Steph will know the answers. I can’t wait for it just to be the two of us. I have so much I want to talk to her about. And I feel a little jump in my stomach every time I look at the football tickets I bought her. She’s going to love them. I’m so excited to see her face when she opens them.
In the meantime, I’ll just focus on making my new dress to wear tonight. I was seriously considering staying home for BOB and heading straight to hers, but then I remembered Faith’s bringing Claudia with her and is really excited/nervous about us meeting her, and I’m really trying to be a good friend.
Everything will be fine if I just keep cutting, sewing, hemming. Cutting, sewing, hemming… Ahhyeahhh. I’ma look so goooood.
posted by EditingEmma 16.02
Hmmm. Posted a picture of the new dress (which I LOVE) but it hasn’t really got as much attention as I thought it would… I mean…some people have liked it. But not like with some other stuff I’ve made. I usually get way more than that.
Are people just not on social media? Getting ready for Battle of the Bands, maybe?
Hmm. Maybe I’ll wear my jeans tonight, instead…
posted by EditingEmma 16.59
My Mother Has Instagram
Was just about to leave when I got stopped in my tracks.
I refreshed my phone for notifications and saw a terrible, some might say shocking, sight.
Mum had liked the picture of my dress.
‘Mum!’ I called out. ‘MUM!’
‘What is it?’ she called out, emerging from a cloud of smoke in the kitchen. (Cooking gone wrong or another spell? I didn’t dare ask.)
‘Since when do you have INSTAGRAM?’
‘Since today. Graham showed me how to do it.’
I gaped at her. Unbelievable.
‘He uses it to sell his art. The other day someone followed him and then bought twelve of his aubergine penguins.’
‘That’s…’
‘And two of the broccoli giraffes, I think.’
‘Mum,’ I said. ‘If you insist on this, could you and your… aubergine penguins…please stay away from me. I mean it. No comments. No likes. No interaction.’
‘Oh come on, they’re good! Look!’ She shoved the picture of the aforementioned penguins in my face. They were actually weirdly impressive, but that’s so not the point.
‘I mean it,’ I warned.
‘All right, all right, she said. ‘But I don’t know what you’re getting so sensitive about. You could use the boost.’
I looked at the amount of likes on my dress. She’s right, damnit. Oh God, how pathetic is it that the only person liking my picture is my parent?!
posted by EditingEmma 18.01
At Battle of the Bands
Ugh. I can’t believe I’m EARLY for an event that I didn’t even want to attend that much in the first place. Gracie knocked on my door an HOUR before she was supposed to, and judging by her walking speed you’d think the school was handing out a million pounds to the first person through the door.
‘Gracie, can we slow down,’ I said, already out of breath.
‘I want to get the best scoping spot,’ she said.
‘Scoping spot?!’
‘Well, I don’t want to miss any new potentials.’
Seriously?
‘Seriously?’
‘All right, Ms Judgey Face, just because you’ve decided to go it alone… Some of us are still on the lookout,’ she said.
‘Apparently, quite literally on the lookout,’ I said.
And now, we are sitting in the two chairs positioned opposite the door, and to the side a bit. We actually moved the chairs several times before Gracie deemed them to be adequately placed. Apparently directly opposite the door is ‘too obvious’, whereas opposite but a metre across is ‘just the right amount of obvious’.
In all honesty her logic has completely gone over my head, but I’m not going to argue because we’re right by the snacks table.
posted by EditingEmma 18.26
Staring at the Door
Not a single person has walked through it yet. We are literally the only two people in the hall. Even the people who set up the band area left to go out and come back again.
On the plus side, we did get first dibs on all the mini-dough-nuts.
YES! A PERSON CAME THROUGH THE DOOR! And it was…
Willie Thomas.
Carrying a trumpet.
‘OH MY GOD!!!’ I screamed, practically falling out of my chair. ‘I can’t believe I was right!!!’
Gracie went all pink.
‘I should get a job as a fortune teller!!! Oh my God, what if I really can see the future?!’
‘You can’t,’ she snapped. ‘You made an educated guess and anyway, he’s only the first person to walk in. There could be tons of attractive boys coming. All the cool people turn up late.’
‘Like us, you mean?’
She ignored that one.
‘Admit it, Gracie, I was right.’
‘I…’
‘I WAS RIGHT.’
‘You weren’t, actually.’ She gestured towards Willie’s instrument. ‘That is a trombone, not a trumpet.’
I was so right.
posted by EditingEmma 19.41
Is Anyone Good At Meeting New People?
Me and Gracie were just fighting over the last mini doughnut when Faith emerged in the distance, hand in hand with a dark-haired, olive-skinned figure.
‘Oh my God,’ said Gracie, ‘Faith’s here, with CLAUDIA.’ She started squealing.
‘All right, calm down,’ I said. ‘It’s not like she’s here with Adele.’
‘It is a bit like she’s famous, though,’ Gracie replied. ‘I’ve seen so many photos.’
‘I wouldn’t open with that.’
‘Oh, because you’re too cool for internet stalking,’ Gracie said sarcastically.
‘Obviously not. The other night I hit her first Instagram post. I literally could not have been any deeper into stalking. But I’m not going to let her know that.’
They got closer.
‘I’m sort of…nervous,’ admitted Gracie.
‘Me too.’
‘Are we really weird?’ Gracie chewed her lip.
‘Um, no, we’re just um…unrefined in the art of meeting new people.’
They got closer and closer.
‘She’s very well dressed,’ said Gracie.
‘She’s HOT,’ I said.
‘Shh, she’ll hear you!’
‘Nah, they’re still too far away. She’s hot she’s hot she’s hot she’s HOT.’
‘Shhhhhh!!!’
They approached.
‘Hi, guys,’ said Faith. ‘This is Emma and Gracie.’
‘Hi,’ said Claudia, ‘I’m the hot one.’
Bollocks.
Gracie smirked at me. ‘See, she could hear you.’
‘How are you guys?’ asked Faith.
‘Um, OK,’ I said.
Silence. Gracie looked at me urgently. We really must get better at talking to strangers, without being totally off our faces.
‘Except, uh, there are no party rings,’ I went on. ‘I mean, if you’re going to infantilize us by serving biscuits and squash, at least do it properly and give us some party rings.’
Gracie shot me a look as if to say, Don’t talk to Faith’s new girlfriend about party rings, which I found a bit hypocritical. It’s hardly like she was offering up heaps of sparkling repartee.
‘I like your outfit, Emma,’ said Claudia. ‘Faith said you’re into fashion?’
‘Thanks. Yep, I am.’
‘Have you applied for any internships in the summer?’
The question froze me to the spot like a bitter, winter chill. My eyes widened.
‘I, um…no.’
She nodded and smiled, but I could feel that she was slightly disappointed in me. Like Ms Parker when I answer every question in English with ‘It’s a metaphor for desire.’
‘I, uh, I’m helping out with the school fashion show this term,’ I babbled.
‘That’s cool.’
‘It’s for charity,’ I added.
She smiled again, kindly but also as if she were looking down on me from a great height.
‘I’ve applied for the Cambridge Immerse Engineering course in the summer,’ interjected Gracie.
I opened my mouth, speechless.
‘Oh amazing!’ said Claudia. ‘How long is it?’
‘You never told me!’ I said, indignantly.
Gracie ignored me. ‘It’s two weeks, and you stay on campus. It’s split into three sections – energy, life sciences and materials – which is great as you get a flavour of lots of different areas.’
‘Oh wow, that sounds incredible. Well, good luck, I really hope you get it.’
Claudia beamed at Gracie and Gracie went all red and googly-eyed. I felt like a jealous sibling. The one who missed out on the lollipop at the dentist’s.
‘Oh, Claudia, come say hi to some people in my sketch club,’ said Faith. ‘Are you guys coming?’
I looked across the room. Kayleigh Spencer was standing on the edge of the group. I caught eye contact with her and her lip quivered.
‘Uh, I think I’ll stay here,’ I replied.
I really have made the rest of my school life very difficult. As if it needed to be more difficult than it already was.
posted by EditingEmma 20.01
Steph popped up behind me and Gracie.
‘Hey, guys,’ she said.
‘Hey,’ said Gracie. ‘You’re late.’
‘She’s not late,’ I said. ‘It only feels like she’s late, because we’ve been here since sunrise.’
‘Oh, did you guys come together?’ asked Steph.
Gracie nodded.
‘Look who’s here!!’ she whispered, pointing at Claudia.
We watched them for a second. Faith gave Claudia a little kiss on the cheek and then Claudia gave Faith a little kiss on the nose, and Faith pretended she hated it but you could tell she was loving it, and they were giggling and…well…a bit nauseating, if I’m honest.
‘What’s she like?’ asked Steph. ‘Have you met her yet?’
‘She’s really nice,’ said Gracie.
‘She’s…’ I searched for the right word.
‘Yes…?’ prodded Steph.
‘She’s got a powerful presence,’ I decided. ‘I don’t know why, but after only two seconds of knowing her I felt really desperate to impress her.’
Gracie laughed patronizingly, like, Oh that’s so cute.
‘Whatever, Ms Cambridge Submerge,’ I said.
‘It’s Immerse.’
‘You were showing off, too.’
‘I really have applied for the Cambridge Immerse Engineering course.’
‘Yes, all right, but you never even mentioned it to me. Me, who you’ve known for five years, and after five minutes with Claudia you’re bragging about being the next bloody Einstein.’
‘I was not bragging!’
‘Uh, yes you were!’
We both started blinking furiously at each other, until it looked like our faces were twitching.
‘All right, all right, guys, jeez.’ Steph raised her hand. ‘I get it, you’re both in love with Claudia.’
Then Steph went over to go say hi. I wanted longer with her, but I must let her fly…then I’ll have her aaaalllllllll to myself tonight and tomorrow.
posted by EditingEmma 20.55
Hiding in the Loos
Was just getting into a heated debate with Gracie about whether it’s pronounced ‘scons’ or ‘scones’, when I noticed I’d lost her.
‘Why would you miss out the “e”? It makes no… Gracie. Gracie. Hello?’
Then I turned around to see what she was looking at.
‘Oh my God, who is that?!’ she squealed.
And standing there, in the flesh, was Holly’s friend Adam. In his leather Matrix coat. Again, forget every other physical description I could give him.
A LEATHER. MATRIX. COAT.
Gracie squinted from the brightness. ‘What is he wearing?!’
Then Adam turned around. His eyes zeroed in on me. I tried to hide behind Gracie, but it was too late.
‘Oh my God. Emma, why is he waving at you?!’ she said.
‘Er, long story,’ I said, reluctantly peering out from behind her hair.
‘Oh my God. Please tell me that’s not the latest instalment in your absurd dating saga.’
‘No,’ I hissed. ‘He’s just Holly’s friend.’
‘Then why is he coming over to you?’ She raised her eyebrows.
I looked. Oh God. It was true. He was coming over to me. Where to hide?!
‘You know what, Gracie,’ I said. ‘You’re right.’
She was about to look triumphant, when I said, ‘There are new and interesting guys here tonight, just like you said. And, well, here they are.’ I gestured to Adam, still striding over to us with a determined look in his eye, coat flaring out behind him like a cape. ‘Enjoy!’
Then I ran off to cower in the loos. I suppose I can’t hide in here for ever, but I’d really like to try. Aghhhh!! I can’t believe Holly brought Matrix Coat Boy!
I suppose I’d better go out there, now. Hopefully, Gracie won’t take off Adam’s coat and strangle me with it.
posted by EditingEmma 21.19
Watching The Bands
Gracie didn’t strangle me, but she is pretending I don’t exist. Probably preferable.
Crazy Holly is currently up on stage doing a…well… CRAZY drum solo. You can barely hear any of the other instruments in the band over her crashing. Every now and again the harmonica player (yes, I did say harmonica) looks back at her and glares, but she’s just having way too much fun to notice. The bell ringer looks inordinately grateful just to be on stage and is swaying about smiling. The person on the didgeridoo looks like he doesn’t even know where he is.
Where did she meet these people?! What a motley crew.
In fact, I think that’s their band name.
Oh wait, no, excuse me, it’s Hotley Crew.
posted by EditingEmma 21.31
COMEDY GENIUS
Hahahah. I literally cannot stop laughing. This is TOO brilliant. Holly got way too into her drumming and threw her sticks into the air. They landed on the harmonica player’s head and she stormed off the stage in a huff. Then, stick-less, and harmonica-less, Holly decided to just get up on her stool and start dancing.
The mental image of Holly dancing, floating her arms about her like a tranquillized octopus, to the sound of a subdued didgeridoo, will never, ever leave me.
Claudia leant over and murmured, in awe, ‘Do you know that girl?’
‘Ohhh yes,’ I said.
posted by EditingEmma 21.37
Of Course
Just as I was starting to enjoy myself and forget about…ugh, OK, so not saying his name hasn’t been working out for me so far, LEON, his band started setting up. Fantastic. Because everyone knows it’s really easy to forget about someone when they’re in front of you on a stage, looking really attractive and holding a guitar.
Even watching him attempting to coax Crazy Holly down off her stool with a biscuit didn’t stop the plummeting feeling in my stomach.
Neither did him saying ‘this song is for Anna’ into the microphone and smiling at her across the room. She smiled back, looking perfect and pretty as ever. That didn’t help either. Nope. That was probably the thing that pushed me towards tears.
Suddenly I was finding it very hard to breathe. It felt very stuffy and the walls felt closer in than they did ten minutes ago.
As I ran out of the room, I accidentally knocked into Charlie.
‘Hey, are you all right?!’ he asked, but I just kept running.
Now I’m sitting in the hallway.
posted by EditingEmma 21.55
Still sitting in the hallway
Brilliant. Just…brilliant. I was just settling into the shadows, when I noticed an incredibly tall, familiar-looking figure walking towards the entrance.
The figure stopped and squinted at me, lurking in the darkness.
‘…Emma?’ the figure said.
Great. Just…great.
‘Greg?’ I replied weakly.
He folded his arms and smiled. ‘Well, this is a surprise,’ he said.
‘It’s my school,’ I said.
He laughed. ‘Yes, I know, I thought you’d probably be here. I meant it was a surprise to see you sitting by yourself in the hallway.’
‘Oh…right. Yes,’ I said dumbly.
We stared at each other for a little bit. My heart was thumping in my chest. Seeing my ex-boyfriend was definitely what I needed tonight of all nights.
Not.
He really does have nice hair. And such a kind face. He was smiling at me so openly.
‘So um, what are you doing here?’ I asked.
‘My friend Shannon’s playing,’ he said.
‘Oh, right…cool,’ I replied, flying into mild, instinctual hysteria at the mention of ‘Shannon’. Who-is-Shannon-is-she-really-just-a-friend-and-if-they’re-dating-HOW-DARE-HE-MOVE-ON-SO-QUICKLY.
‘Are you OK?’ he asked. ‘Why are you sitting out here?’
I came back to the moment and looked at him. His eyes were full of genuine concern.
My heart broke a little then. I could see in his face that he still cared about me, after I treated him so appallingly. I didn’t mean to, but I did, because I always really wanted Leon. And here I was, selfishly panicking at the thought that he might have moved on to someone who actually wanted to be with him.
‘I was just calling my mum,’ I answered lamely.
‘Right.’
We were both silent.
‘Are you sure?’ he asked, reaching for my hand.
And then my heart broke even more. Because in that moment, I wanted to jump into his arms and have him hug me and tell me everything was all right. I wanted to be comforted. I wanted to be wanted. But I still didn’t really want him.
I looked down at his hand, holding mine. It would’ve been so easy to give into it. But you can’t just decide to be on your own when it suits you, and then give in again when you’re feeling low and pathetic.
I pulled my hand away. Greg looked mortified.
‘Look, Greg…’ I said.
‘No, you don’t have to say anything. Sorry.’ He looked so sad and flustered.
And the last little bit of my heart that was still together fell totally apart.
Arghghghghhh.
He opened the door and I walked in front of him, pretending to go back inside, and then came straight back out to lurk in the shadows again.
Now I’m just sitting here. Mulling. Twiddling my thumbs. Oh my God. That was…awful. I would just go home, now that I’ve fulfilled my duty and met Claudia, but I’m supposed to be staying at Steph’s. God, we’ve got AGES until her parents come to pick us up.
posted by EditingEmma 22.10
Still sitting in the hallway by myself when, of course, Holly’s friend Adam spots me. Oh God. No no no. He’s coming over to me.
‘Emma?’ he breathed.
‘Hi, yes,’ I said.
He took a long gulp of air.
‘Wouldyoulikeadrink?’ he rushed, brandishing a bottle of scary, intense Russian vodka from inside his long coat. (What else could he have hidden in there?! The possibilities are endless. His coat is sort of like a weird, creepy version of Mary Poppins’s bag.)
He stared. I stared. My head was bleeping say something, say something like an alarm. Eventually, I said,
‘Um, I really need the toilet. A number two.’ I nodded.
If that doesn’t get him to go away, I don’t know what will.
posted by EditingEmma 22.37
Still In The Toilets
Yes, I am still in the toilets half an hour later and no, I am not actually doing a poo. I was just sitting down on the loo, feeling a bit weird and hollow, when I heard someone sniffling in the cubicle next to me.
I knocked gently on the door.
‘Um, are you OK?’
No answer.
‘I mean, clearly you’re not OK. But if you’d like to talk about why you’re not OK, then, um, you can. But obviously, you don’t know me, so if you don’t come out I’ll assume you just want me to go away. I’ll stay here for ten seconds…’
For some unknown reason I started stroking the door frame, as if the person inside might sense it.
‘Three…two…’
Then the door opened.
And Anna came out.
Her make-up was smudged and her eyes were all teary, but somehow she still looked…together. Like her crying had only given her some windswept, soaked-in-the-rain vibe. How? Anyway, my heart skipped a beat and she glanced at my hand, which is when I realized was still stroking the door frame.
I stopped.
‘Emma,’ she barked. ‘No offence but you’re really the last person I want to speak to.’
‘OK, no, sure, I’ll just…’ I said, backing away, and stumbling over the bin.
Then I went outside. The last person she’d want to speak to? As in, the very last? That seems a bit harsh. I mean, I know we’re not friends and we both liked the same person which is always a bit awkward, but there are still plenty of people I’d rather speak to less than Anna. Piers Morgan, for instance. Or a member of ISIS. I stood dithering for a minute. Then I did something that was probably very unwise. It probably went past ‘unwise’ and into the territory of ‘the really, really stupid’. I went back inside.
And knocked on the door. Again.
‘Anna?’
I heard the sniffling pause.
‘I’m really sorry to bother you again, um, can I just ask, I mean, or it’s going to really bother me all night and probably for the rest of my life, but why am I the last person you’d want to speak to? Did I do something?’
There was a tense moment before she spoke again. ‘Are you serious?’
‘Um, yes.’
The door opened again. She sat back down on the loo and I took this as my invitation to go inside. I closed the door behind me. And then there we were. Enclosed in our tiny prison of female intimacy.
‘Well, he’s all yours now,’ she said.
My heart started hammering in my chest.
‘Err…what?’
‘You don’t have to pretend.’
‘I… No. I really don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘I’m breaking up with him.’
I paused, before asking the obvious question. It seemed a bit intrusive but I’d already followed her into the toilet, so that ship had probably sailed.
‘Why?’ I asked hesitantly.
‘Because I know what you’ve been doing behind my back.’
I frowned. She frowned.
‘What?’ I said.
‘Seriously. You two are free to go out now. I’m not going to stand in the way any more.’
‘Anna. I haven’t been doing anything behind your back.’
‘I saw the messages,’ she said, then added quickly, ‘I was using his timer to bake some muffins. They were already on the screen. I wasn’t going through his phone or anything.’
(Ha. As if she has to explain herself to me, even if she was.)
‘Anna, I haven’t spoken to Leon in weeks!’
‘Please don’t lie, I saw them.’
‘No, really,’ I said, and got out my phone. I rifled way, way far back in my messages, to our conversation that I still haven’t been able to delete. ‘Look, all these are from before summer. Then there are a couple from, um, when that blog went up before half-term. But apart from that zero contact.’
She took my phone from my hands and stared at it. Then she started crying again. I stared in horror for a second.
‘Do you not believe me?!’ I asked.
‘No, I do,’ she said.
Oh God, I thought. Why is she still crying?! What should I do? I sort of wanted to put my arm on her shoulder, but my instincts were telling me it was best not to touch her. In the end I just stood there awkwardly for a bit longer until she stopped. She wiped her eye with her hand and I broke some loo roll off, put some moisturizer from my bag on it and handed it to her.
‘Thanks,’ she said, wiping her barely disturbed make-up.
Then she took one look in her compact mirror, stood up and smiled at me.
‘That’s better. You coming?’ she asked.
‘No. I think I need to sit down for a while.’
‘OK. Bye, Emma,’ she said.
It was all very dignified until she had to squeeze past me and I felt her boobs against mine.
Now I’m sitting here in the stall alone, making sense of the past fifteen minutes. I don’t know what to think. Possibly, I’ve lost the ability to think. In one night, I’ve managed to upset one ex-boyfriend-who-is-lovely-but-I-just-don’t-love, and patch up my other ex-boyfriend-who-I-still-have-feelings-for’s relationship.
Great.
Sitting With Adam
I came out of the loos, with every intention of going back inside. But I looked through the door and Claudia and Faith were dancing together, wrapped in their own little love bubble. Andy had arrived and Steph was hugging him. Gracie was chatting to her Cambridge study group. Leon was on stage scanning for someone, presumably Anna. Crazy Holly was teaching her band to octopus dance. Greg was doing lame-dancing with maybe-just-a-friend Shannon. Even Mum was out tonight with the pumpkin carver.
All my friends were off doing their thing, I’d failed catastrophically at making any new ones, and I was still as lonely and pathetically hung up on the same person as ever. In that moment, I’d never felt more like Emma the Unloved.
I really, really wanted to talk to Steph, but I knew I should leave her alone. Just because I’m having a crap night, doesn’t mean I should ruin hers as well.
I looked down the corridor, at Adam, sitting alone swigging his vodka in the gloomy, flickering hallway lights and it just seemed more like where I belonged.
When I sat down next to him, he looked all pleased and moved his Matrix coat out of the way to make room. He’s a little strange (obviously, because he’s friends with Holly) but honestly, I just feel so relieved to not have to be around crowds of people right now. So, I choose vodka with a stranger.
Vodka with a stranger… It could almost sound quite cool and grown up… If we weren’t sitting in my school hallway, and the stranger wasn’t dressed up as Keanu Reeves circa 1999.
I’m typing quite a lot as he talks at me, but either he hasn’t noticed or he just doesn’t care. He’s waffling on about the correct feed for garden squirrels.
posted by EditingEmma 23.38
We moved outside because teachers kept circling the hallway.
And then behind some trees because teachers kept circling outside.
Must they make drinking on school premises quite so difficult?
posted by EditingEmma 00.38
It suddenly got very late when did it get so kate
Adam is not so bad really, he is the vodka bearer.
My horn is telling me to kiss him but I know that wouldb be bad
Very bad
I will not kiss higm, I will not play intyo my sad horn’s trap
My sad sa d horn
posted by EditingEmma 0.45
OH MY GHJOD. WHEN DID I GET TEN MISSED CALLLS.
Oh no no onononoononooooo I must find Steph. STEPPPPPPHHHHHHHG
Andy seems very angry like when Graci e is angry they have the same pinkness and botht their lips disappear
Septet is here. STEPH not Septet. Hahah. In a car. When did that happen?