posted by EditingEmma 12.31
Woke up in Steph’s bed, staring up at Kurt Cobain. What HAPPENED last night? I honestly didn’t think I’d drunk that much vodka. Russian vodka is clearly just as stereotypically lethal as they say it is.
I instinctively turned around for a spoon, but when I put my hand out the other side was empty.
My heart dropped.
It all came flooding back.
I sat up in bed, my heart pounding. Steph’s birthday lunch.
‘Steph?’ I croaked. ‘Steph?!’
I got out of bed. Her special blue mascara was lying out half open on her chest of drawers. I rushed over to her wardrobe… Her favourite leather ankle boots were gone. The house felt deathly still and I could tell they’d left. I knew it, but I really didn’t want to believe it. I picked up the phone.
‘Hello?’ she said.
‘Steph? Where are you? Are you there already?’
‘Yep.’
‘Why didn’t you wake me?’ I whimpered.
‘Um, I kind of assumed, given that you were still vomiting at 4 a.m., that you probably weren’t up to it.’
‘I can come now?’ I said desperately. ‘I can be there in forty-five minutes.’
I started rushing to put clothes on. Crap. I only had last night’s gross, stained clothes. I’d got patches of mud all down my jeans, and on my top as well?! How on earth did I do that? They’d have to do…unless I could I pull off one of Steph’s crop tops?
‘Don’t worry.’ Steph broke my train of thought.
‘Look, I’m so sorry, Steph,’ I garbled. ‘I’m an idiot. I got really upset about…Ugh. Lots of things. I wanted to talk to you about it, but…’
‘It’s all right. You don’t need to make excuses.’
‘No really, I…’
‘Gracie told me about Adam.’
‘Oh my God, NO, it wasn’t like that. It was…’
‘Look, I can’t really talk right now, but Gracie’s probably free.’
‘What?’ I faltered.‘I want to talk to you! It’s your birthday! I want to be there. I can still make it.’
More silence. She cleared her throat.
‘It’s fine, Emma. Andy came with. After he helped you out of the car last night, he slept on the sofa. Anyway, the table’s only for five, so don’t worry about it.’
Silence.
‘Oh…’ I said. ‘I see.’
‘Look, I’ve got to go. They’re bringing the cake. Bye, Emma.’
‘Oh. Bye, Steph,’ I said. ‘… Happy birthday.’
I put down the phone. The huge, sinking stone in my stomach got heavier.
‘What are you looking at?’ I said to Kurt, watching me with judging eyes.
I dived into Steph’s open wardrobe and buried myself in her football kit. It smelled like Steph (like her perfume mixed with the outdoors). I’m not sure how long I lay there for, but eventually I decided it was time to go home and put the muddy trainer I was clutching back in her bag.
What is it with me and smelling people’s things, these days?
I can’t believe I overslept. I can’t believe she didn’t wake me.
I can’t believe this has happened.
posted by EditingEmma 14.05
Oh No
Walked in the door and Mum said, ‘Hi, you’re back early…
What’s this?’
She pulled a twig out of my hair.
And then I remembered.
Running through bushes.
OH MY GOD.
WHYYYYYYY.
So it was after I saw the ten missed calls from Steph. Her parents were supposed to be picking us up at half twelve, and it was already quarter to. I looked out from behind the trees and saw their car in the parking lot. My heart plummeted.
Steph was standing by it, phoning me, and her mum was standing next to her looking a bit concerned.
I remember thinking, even in my very heavily intoxicated state: Steph’s parents categorically CANNOT see me emerging from the bushes, in the middle of the night, with a boy I don’t know. It may as well be my mum watching me emerge from some bushes, in the middle of the night, with a boy I don’t know. But the thing was, the car park was in the middle of where I was supposed to be, in the school, and where I actually was, hiding in some trees.
Things were looking very, very bad for me.
‘What’s wrong?’ Adam asked.
‘I have to go.’
‘All right,’ he said, taking a step out of the trees.
‘NO!’ I cried. ‘I can’t go that way!’
‘Err…’
He looked around him, clearly as stumped as me for another escape route.
I remember thinking, then, that I knew what I had to do. In the moment, I can honestly say it well and truly felt like the only possible option available to me.
I ran.
I ran as fast as I could. I ran like Seabiscuit. I ran all the way around the back of the school field, so that I could re-enter through the back of the school and come out the front like I’d been in there all along.
By the time I got to the car I’d basically nearly collapsed from exhaustion. I was red, puffy and half an hour late. I remember silence on the way back because EVERYONE in that car was well and truly beyond annoyed at me.
Steph said, ‘We saw you running across the back of the field, Emma.’
And then I passed out.
Aggghhhhhh!!! What a TERRIBLE evening!!! So I did get drunk…but Steph still shouldn’t have taken Andy instead of me, right?! I should have just told Steph I was upset about stuff…but I was trying so hard to give her space!
Well, now she REALLY has space!!! Oh God!!
Plus, I keep getting flashbacks of Greg’s pained face as I took my hand away. And a crying Anna. And Leon searching for a crying Anna. And then, to top it all off, I spent the rest of the evening hanging out with a guy in a leather Matrix coat. Aghhhhhhhhhhhh. I can’t believe I got so upset I missed the only thing I was looking forward to the whole evening!!! And now I’m even more upset!! I really wanted to go today. I really wanted it to just be the two of us, and her family. Like every year. And now Steph’s there with ANDY.
posted by EditingEmma 16.04
I Can’t Do Anything
This is awful. I can’t even make clothes to distract myself. I accidentally sewed a sleeve onto the boob part of a t-shirt. Kind of like a really pathetic, floppy attempt at a Madonna cone bra. And then when I saw it, I didn’t even laugh.
Andy is in my place right now. My place.
MY. PLACE.
I can just see him there now…telling jokes and making Steph’s parents and sister laugh merrily…talking with them about the news like a real adult…sitting in MY chair and holding hands with MY Steph and…and…eating MY olives. I feel so invisible and sad and betrayed. I’m like…Dickie Greenleaf. And Andy is The Talented Mr Ripley. And NO ONE HAS NOTICED THAT I’VE DIED.
WHY didn’t Steph wake me?!
Ugh. I have so much pent-up frustration. I started doing jumping jacks. Mum came in.
‘What on Earth are you doing?’
‘Jumping jacks.’
She watched me.
‘Why are you watching me?’
‘I just don’t think I’ve ever seen you do physical exercise before. It’s very strange.’
I lay down on the floor, seeing spots.
‘And now it’s over,’ I said.
‘I knew it wouldn’t last,’ she replied and lay down next to me.
We both lay there for a little while, staring up at the ceiling.
‘What’s wrong?’ she asked.‘Why aren’t you out with Steph and her parents?’
I opened my mouth to speak…then closed it again. I burst into tears. Mum hugged me, but didn’t ask any more questions.
I can’t believe I’m not at Steph’s birthday. I haven’t not been at Steph’s birthday since… Well. Since her tenth birthday. But that wasn’t my fault, because I hadn’t met her yet. Steph’s voice on the phone keeps ringing in my ears. She sounded so distant… She went without me. She didn’t seem to mind that I wasn’t there.
Going to sleep in Mum’s bed. She didn’t say anything when I came in, just glanced up from her book and put a pillow out for me.
I want Steph.
But I don’t think she wants me any more.