posted by Editing Emma 13.58
It All Went Wrong, But Sort Of RIGHT!!!
No one will be surprised when I report that, incredibly predictably, Operation: Befriend Charlie did not go down as I planned. However…I think it might have actually gone better?
I hung around in the design room for ages after lunch, just waiting for the chance to cut a button off his jacket. Everyone had left the room so I finally seized my opportunity…and the scissors.
I headed towards the jacket with a deranged look in my eye, the instrument raised above my head, poised to cut…my shadow looked like Edward Scissorhands.
I descended on the jacket, pulling it towards me. But, as I pulled, about to snip off one tiny button…the rail came with it.
I cut.
Right through the jacket.
And then…THEN…is when I hear a little cough.
I turned around.
Charlie was standing behind me. Looking totally, totally confused. And a little bit upset. And a little bit like how you might look if you were standing in front of an escaped tiger at a zoo.
We stared at each other for a moment. I still had his jacket in one hand and the scissors in the other.
‘What…are you doing?’ he asked.
And then I burst into tears. I just BURST into tears. In front of him. It all came pouring out. I just stood there crying and crying and crying. Charlie looked even more afraid.
‘Oh God,’ he said. ‘Oh God, I…um.’ He came towards me. ‘There, there,’ he said, patting me on the shoulder.
I cried harder.
‘No, no!’ I yelled. ‘Don’t comfort me! I just wrecked your jacket.’
‘Right, yeah,’ he said, but he kept patting my shoulder anyway. ‘And why were you doing that, again?’
‘I…I wanted to make friends with you,’ I sobbed.
‘By…cutting up my jacket?’
‘Aghhhhhh!’ I wailed. ‘It was an accident! I thought it would give us something to talk about! I’m terrible at making friends!’
‘Er, well, if this is anything to go by…yes.’ He laughed.
‘And I’m terrible at keeping friends,’ I carried on.
‘Hey, no, I’m sure that’s not true.’
‘It is! It is!’ I wailed.
‘What about your mates? The fit girl who looks like Rihanna and is always changing her hair?’
‘Steph,’ I replied. ‘I… We… I don’t think we’re friends any more.’
‘What happened?’
‘Well, it started…when…’ I took a breath between sobs.
‘Go on.’ He sat down, gesturing for me to sit next to him.
‘My other friend…Gracie…’ I started, sitting down. ‘Said Steph might not be…a virgin any more…and I was upset she didn’t tell me.’
Then Charlie burst out laughing.
‘What?!’ I stopped crying. ‘What’s funny?!’
‘It’s just, if you were a group of guys, there wouldn’t be any question of not telling your friends. Everyone’s bragging about losing their virginity before it’s even true.’
‘Really?!’ I asked.
‘Really,’ he laughed. ‘Anyway, go on.’
And I told him. And I actually calmed down. Afterwards I felt so much lighter. I told him about how I’ve been feeling like I should give her space… whilst sort of feeling hurt that she would want space. And then accidentally giving her too much space, partly because she’s dating Gracie’s brother and I’ve had to keep some things from her for the first time ever, and partly because I didn’t want to bother her with being upset when she was off having a great time…and then accidentally missing her birthday because of this…but then it seeming like she didn’t care anyway and that she was fine just taking Andy, and feeling generally like she was outgrowing me.
‘Wow,’ said Charlie.
‘I know,’ I said.
‘And…what’s happening now?’
‘Now, she’s not even sitting next to me in Maths any more,’ I said. ‘She’s sitting next to Boring Susan.’
‘Oh my. That is a slap in the face.’
‘Right!!!’ I said.
‘I mean…God…I think if someone stole from me or… attempted to murder me…I’d probably still rather sit next to them than Susan.’
I smiled. I knew, then, that we were going to get on.
‘Anyway, look, it will be fine. I’ve seen you two together. You’re like, in love or something.’
‘Really?’ I asked.
‘Yeah, I saw you once doing cross country. You’d collapsed by a tree and everyone was stepping over you. And then, from way ahead, Steph ran back and started poking you with a giant stick, until you started crying. I remember thinking… that’s real love.’
‘She gave me a piggyback in the end.’ I smiled. ‘Steph could’ve won but we crossed the finish line together. Last.’
‘See. You’ll be fine.’ He patted me on the shoulder again, more confidently this time.
I smiled.
‘And I think you’re ignoring lots of good stuff. I mean, you have other friends right? Gracie? And the blonde one?’
‘Faith.’ I nodded.
He was right. I do have Faith and Gracie, and this time last year I didn’t really have Gracie at all. I’m not a total friend fail.
‘And I’ll sit next to you in Maths,’ he went on.
I almost started crying again, but managed not to. ‘That would be nice,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry I ruined your jacket.’
‘It’s fine,’ he sighed, looking wistfully at it.‘Maybe I can sew it up. Just promise never to come up with any devious plans to make friends with me again. You don’t need an excuse to talk to me.’
‘Thanks,’ I said.
‘Now…wipe your make-up. You look quite scary,’ he said. ‘Especially holding those scissors.’
I think… I think I officially have a new friend. Sort of. A fledgling friend. I can hardly believe it.
Now I just need to not destroy any more of his possessions, and we should be OK.
posted by EditingEmma 19.07
Muting People Who Are Better Than You
So initially, I followed Claudia because I thought it might inspire me. But I regret to report she is actually having the OPPOSITE effect.
Is there anything she isn’t good at?! Does she ever sleep??? I mean, seriously? Last weekend she and her mum went to a political rally together. Last weekend, me and my mum watched Howard the Duck (an underrated classic, I don’t care how many Worst Movies lists it features on) and ate a multi-pack of Twiglets for dinner.
I’d only just started to feel pleased about my own productivity levels. But with Claudia spamming me with all her stupid brilliance, I see how pathetically low they truly are.
Rang Gracie.
‘Poetry reading?!’ I exclaimed. ‘POETRY READING?!’
‘It’s OK,’ soothed Gracie. ‘We’ve got our “things” and that’s much better.’
‘Well, I mean, if you think about it, Claudia’s got so many talents… How’s she going to know what to do with them?! How’s she going to know who she is? What’s her brand?’
I don’t care what Gracie says, I’ve muted her. She is INVISIBLE to me. Now I won’t have it thrown in my face what an unworthy human being I am every five minutes… I can bury that fact way, way down in my psyche, and then start to believe again that I am a good person.
posted by EditingEmma 23.38
Going to bed. Despite having spent the evening being taunted by my own inadequacy’s I am actually feeling in an alright mood. I’m so happy that I finally noticed Charlie. I think of how he made me feel so much better about stuff today, despite barely knowing me, proves I’m onto something potentially great here.