posted by EditingEmma 08.07
At breakfast, I made the mistake of telling Mum about Adam turning up at school. For some reason this really, really bothered her. She froze and turned on the spot like she’d been possessed by the devil.
‘Why didn’t you tell me about this?!’ she boomed.
‘I am telling you,’ I said.
‘Why didn’t you tell me sooner?!’
‘Sorry.’ I shrugged. ‘I didn’t think it was a big deal.’
‘Not a big deal?! NOT a big deal?!’
I really never know what she wants me to say, when she repeats my own words back at me like that, so I just shrugged again. That clearly wasn’t the right thing to do.
‘DON’T YOU SHRUG AT ME!’ she yelled, pointing her spoon in my face. ‘This is serious! The gifts were one thing, Emma, but following you around?!’
‘He wasn’t really “following me around”…’
But it was too late. I’d lost her. She went haring off to her bedroom. I could hear her printing something. Five minutes later, she came storming back into the room and threw some papers at me.
‘We’re going to this,’ she said.
I looked down at the sheet of paper. It read:
‘WHAM-BAM-SAM’S SUPER-DUPER SELF-DEFENCE CLASSES’.
‘Er, no we’re not,’ I said.
‘Er, yes we are. This weekend.’
‘What if I had plans this weekend?!’
She snorted.
‘All right, fine,’ I continued. ‘But why Wham Bam Sam?! Can’t we go somewhere more normal sounding?’
She looked sheepish. ‘I already booked it.’
‘Oh, Mum. WHY.’
‘He was the first search result on Google so it must be fine.’
Yes, that’s reassuring.
posted by EditingEmma 13.19
More Friendship Drama
Got a message from Charlie:
Can we talk? 13.03
Um sure, I’m with Gracie in the SFC? 13.03
So he came over to us, waving awkwardly at Gracie. She waved back, then did a stupid raised-wiggle-eyebrow at me behind his back. When will she get into her head that we’re just friends?
‘Can we go for a walk?’ he asked.
‘Sure,’ I said. ‘Is something wrong?’
‘Um, kinda.’
We started walking out of the sixth form centre. I could see Gracie inside watching us all goggle-eyed. She really needs to start watching some good TV, if she finds this entertaining. Too much Maths homework has gone to her head.
‘What’s up, Charlie?’ I asked.
‘It’s Leon,’ he said.
I internal sighed. What was it this time?
‘He’s not speaking to me,’ he carried on.
‘Oh? Really?’
‘Yeah. Really.’
‘Weird. Why?’
‘Well, that’s what I wanted to ask you… Have you…said anything to him?’
‘Er, I don’t know if you’d noticed, Charlie. But he’s not speaking to me either.’
‘So you haven’t said anything at all?’
I shook my head.
He sighed. ‘For God’s sake, Leon.’
‘What?’
‘I think he’s not speaking to me, because of you.’
‘What?!’ I exclaimed. ‘Why?!’
‘I don’t know. He got all weird about the fact I hadn’t told him we knew each other. I said, I’m sorry, I speak to lots of people. I didn’t realize I had to update you on every new acquaintance.’
‘And what did he say?’
‘He just went all stroppy and red and he’s been ignoring me since. Like, really blatant ignoring. Aggressive scowling and pass agg comments about me to other people. Whilst I’m still standing there.’
‘Jeez.’
‘It’s just ludicrous on so many levels. Firstly, what happened to bros first?! I’m sorry, I feel so offended that he’s actually wrecking our friendship because he thinks we like the same girl.’
‘Yes, that’s—’
‘And secondly,’ Charlie cut me off. ‘If he likes you so bloody much, why has he been going out with Anna this whole time?’
My heart plunged.
‘Er, good question Charlie. You might actually know more than me about that.’
He shrugged.‘I don’t, I’m sorry. He’s so cagey about it. I get snippets…’
I raised my eyebrows, encouraging him to carry on.
‘I guess… I guess it might have something to do with that blog that went up last term. You really touched a nerve.’
I winced. ‘Yeah, I know.’
‘But people make mistakes,’ Charlie went on. ‘Including him. He should have forgiven you and gotten over it. God, I’ve always kind of known he’s stubborn and pig-headed… but…never usually to me!’
Charlie sniffed. I saw how much this was affecting him.
‘I’m sorry, Charlie,’ I said.
He shrugged.
Just as we were circling back towards the sixth form centre, Leon came out of it. He was with a big group of boys and dropped behind them to stare at us for a moment. Then he went all red and shuffled off with them.
‘Arrrghhhhhhhh!’ Charlie moaned, putting his head in his hands. ‘Now it’s going to be ten times worse!’
‘It’s OK,’ I said, patting him on the shoulder.
‘Where am I going to sit at lunch?!’ he wailed.
‘Um, you can sit with us,’ I said.
I feel really bad. I feel like in making friends with me, Charlie’s lost Leon. Just like how I made better friends with Gracie and lost Steph. I genuinely thought ‘focusing on my friendships’ would give me such an easy term, but now that I think about it, there’s so much more room for complication. I mean, when you’re dating someone, you’re dating them and that’s it. The loyalty is pretty clear. With a group of friends you’ve got loyalties in all different places. Loyalties that can potentially conflict.
Evidence: Navigating friendships is sometimes harder than navigating romantic relationships.
posted by EditingEmma 13.51
At Lunch
Really, really wish I hadn’t invited Charlie to lunch with us. Gracie has gone all silent and weird and keeps giving me what I imagine she thinks are ‘meaningful glances’ but actually just make her look like she really needs the toilet. In between her scrutinizing gaze, and Leon’s glares from across the room, I’m beginning to feel just a little bit persecuted.
Sacré-bleu! I can’t wait to go home.
Methods of Stopping Excessive Social Media Use
So, since discovering my ‘problem’, I have been testing several methods to stop myself obsessing over social media.
1) Hide Phone From Self
Doesn’t work for obvious reasons.
2) Ask Mum To Hide Phone
Doesn’t work because she gives in when beaten with a pillow.
3) Use an App Blocker
Does work but then I just go on my laptop.
4) Block Sites on Laptop Too
Does work but then I steal Mum’s phone, which leads to her beating me with a pillow.
Evidence: Clearly, destroying my phone and laptop is the only answer.
posted by EditingEmma 23.39
The Other Method Of Stopping Self-Stalking
Unfortunately, I think I’ve found a method that works and I really, really wish I hadn’t.
I want to cry.
It was on the picture of the dress I made for Battle of the Bands (the one I never actually wore, because no one else liked it).
I was half watching TV, half refreshing my notifications, when a comment popped up from some user I’ve never seen in my life.
‘So desperate for attention what a slag.’
So desperate for attention?!
WHAT A SLAG????!!!
SLAG??!?!?
I feel so, so upset. I’ve deleted the picture. I don’t even want to look at it. I feel so intruded upon, like they’re sitting here in my bedroom watching me. But also really publicly humiliated – like I’ve been put in the stocks or something. Who else saw the comment before I deleted the picture?!?!
I clicked on the person, but they had no picture and just a load of numbers as their name. Staring at their faceless profile was making me feel worse, I got so upset I just turned my laptop off.
I thought, what with all the Leon and Charlie drama, that this day couldn’t get any worse. That almost feels like a happy memory now. Instinctively, I reached for my phone to call Steph and then remembered I couldn’t. Now I feel twice as awful and five times as lonely.
Put my phone and my laptop at the bottom of my wardrobe. Going to bed.