posted by EditingEmma 11.18
We were all sitting around at break and Gracie said, ‘Are you OK, Emma? You seem a bit down.’
‘Oh. I’m… Well, yeah. I am a bit.’
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing,’ I said.
‘Did you see that picture that Abby Matthews uploaded of her new eyelash extensions? I wish my parents would let me get eyelash extensions,’ she huffed.
‘Um, no, I didn’t see.’
Because I never want to go online again. Ever.
posted by EditingEmma 13.20
The Difficulty of Les Orgasmes
At lunchtime, Faith slumped down next to me and Gracie. I was incredibly relieved by her presence, because Gracie kept asking me if I was OK and I really, really don’t want to talk about it.
‘I’m having a problem,’ she said.
‘Queef?’ I asked.
‘No, not that,’ Faith answered.
She took a breath, then stopped. ‘I can’t say.’
‘Ooookay,’ I said.
‘Don’t pressurize me!’ she growled.
‘I’m not pressurizing you! You brought it up!’
She folded her arms. ‘I wasn’t going to say anything, because some things are private. But…’
Silence.
‘Well. When we…you know…I can’t…’
Gracie and I looked at each other.
‘Can’t…?’ I encouraged.
Faith sighed. ‘When we’re doing stuff, I can’t… I mean… It’s not ending the way I want it to.’
‘Ohhhhh,’ me and Gracie said together.
‘But that’s fine!’ I said. ‘Don’t freak out. It will happen.’
‘It’s all right for you,’ she snapped. ‘You could probably have an orgasm if you accidentally sat on a remote control.’
‘Woah!’ I sat back, out of the firing line. ‘Please don’t take this out on me and my vagina.’
‘I’m sorry.’ She sighed. ‘I’m just jealous. It seems easier for some people. It’s so unfair.’
‘I think it’s definitely easier for guys,’ said Gracie. ‘And Emma, obvs. But I think it’s normal for girls. Some can’t at all.’
‘Really?’ asked Faith.
Gracie nodded. ‘And you can, right?’
‘I definitely can. But why not with Claudia?’
‘What do you think, Emma? What’s the secret?’ asked Gracie.
‘WHY does everyone think it’s so easy for me?!’ I gaped.
They just looked at me.
‘Six in half an hour?’ Faith said.
‘Yeah, all right, on my own maybe!! But not with Greg!’
‘I think it’s to do with being relaxed,’ said Gracie. ‘Emma’s very relaxed.’
‘Relaxed?!’ I exclaimed. ‘Because all relaxed people keep a collection of a boy’s Chewit wrappers under their bed and sit around crying over them.’
Thank God Mum accidentally threw those away.
She bit her lip. ‘All right, well, not relaxed about Leon. But generally. I mean, you shrug things off pretty quick. You’re kind of confident.’
‘Confident?!’ I shrieked. ‘I’m incredibly awkward, the ENTIRE time.’
‘Yes, but you’re um…confident in your awkwardness.’
I shook my head. ‘Faith’s confident too. I’m not sure that has anything to do with it. I think it’s just physical.’
‘Maybe it’s a mixture of things,’ said Gracie.
Normally, I’d be quite pleased if someone called me ‘confident’. But I feel like a fraud. This whole time I’ve been sitting here half listening to my friends and half thinking about what other mean comments might have popped up on my blog or if anyone else is looking at me thinking horrible things and judging my pictures.
posted by EditingEmma 21.05
I’m Scared Of My Blog
So, not this blog, obviously, because it’s private. But my other blog. The one with the comment on it. I haven’t looked at it since the comment. And I keep reminding myself that it’s probably just one comment and I deleted it, and now I can probably just forget about it.
So why am I still so terrified of logging on?
posted by EditingEmma 21.59
That’s Why
I don’t believe it. I finally just worked myself up to log on again, telling myself I was being stupid, and there, sitting on a different photograph, is another comment from the same user.
So fake, slut
So fake, slut. The words are echoing round and round my blog that only ever made me feel safe. Round and round in my head. Round and round in my bedroom. Round and round my wardrobe, full of the clothes that up until now only made me feel good about myself.
Who is this person?! Why are they doing this? I don’t even want to know. I don’t want to think about it. I blocked the account, snapped the laptop shut and pushed it away from me. I’m never, ever going back on there. I never want to look there again.
Suddenly my homey little corner of the internet, which I made to express myself and feel happy, has become a snake pit. My laptop and my phone are glinting at me from the corner of the room, and suddenly they don’t feel like tools to build myself up, they feel like a portal for people to come and tear me down.
posted by EditingEmma 23.28
I’ve had a little cry but I feel a little calmer, now. I’m never, ever going online again. All I’ve been doing is obsessing over myself on there anyway comparing myself to people…measuring how much attention I’m getting…and for what? For me to make myself feel like crap, and for random people to make me feel like crap? This was never what it was supposed to be for, and clearly, the only solution is to never go on there again.
I’m clinging to my bed, to my real, solid bed, where no one can ever hurt me and no one’s words can reach me.