posted by EditingEmma 18.07
ORGASMO PARTY
I’m still feeling incredibly dazed and weird and like I have no idea what’s going on right now. But I do not have time to think about this. Right this minute, I will not sit around thinking about what I may or may not be feeling about Leon. Because now, I must focus on throwing Faith her ‘orgasmo’ party. Steph and Gracie are here, setting up the games.
It turns out it’s a lot harder to have a ‘sexy themed’ party than you might think.
‘How do we make the party hats sexy?’ asked Gracie.
‘Um, draw little naked people on them?’ I said.
‘I’m not doing that.’ She sniffed. ‘You do it.’
‘Give them here.’
I started to draw, but they just looked like weird stick people. Some with third legs. We all frowned at the hats.
‘So sexy,’ said Steph.
‘All right, all right. Just leave them. There’s no way of making party hats sexy anyway.’
‘What about the cake?’ asked Steph.
‘Cake is always sexy.’ I nodded.
‘And Articulate?’ Gracie asked.‘Are we only allowed to use dirty words?’
‘Umm…yes.’
‘And what about the pin the tail on the donkey?’
‘Um. Don’t use the donkey. Draw a naked person instead.’
‘Not again!’ whined Gracie.
‘All right,’ said Steph. ‘So we’ve got some party hats with stick people on them, a pervy version of Articulate, and a sexy cake which, in actual fact…is just a regular cake.’
Silence.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘But we can all yell “ORGASMO” when she gets here.’
‘Don’t ever go into party planning, Emma,’ said Steph, shaking her head.
Then the doorbell rang.
‘Is that Faith?! We’re not ready!!’ Gracie looked around her in distress.
‘It’s as good as it’s going to get, Gracie.’ Steph patted her on the shoulder.
‘It’s not Faith,’ I said, getting up.
When I swung open the door, I was greeted by a giant owl.
‘I’m so glad you wrote me back,’ said Holly, flapping her fake wings.
‘Why are you dressed as an owl?’ I asked.
‘An owl is the ultimate enemy of the squirrel. Adam would go BESERK if he thought I was dressed as an owl. But I’ve chosen my side.’ She rubbed her hands together.
‘Right… Thanks. I think,’ I said, wondering what I was letting myself in for.
When Holly came in, dressed as a giant owl, she looked around at all the sexy party stuff and said, ‘You guys are strange.’
posted by EditingEmma 19.51
Faith arrived and we all lurked in the dark. As planned, we all yelled ‘ORGASMO!!!’ when she came in.
Not as planned, her father was actually dropping her off at the door.
‘Er, I’ll just, er…bye,’ he said, and ran off down the driveway.
Now we’re just lying around, chatting rubbish and shoving our faces full of sexy cake. When I stood up to get a drink, Faith looked at me and said, ‘By the way, nice dress, Slag.’
I smiled and looked in the mirror. I’m so glad Mum got it out of the bin and kept it.
posted by EditingEmma 23.01
All Alone
Everyone just left. I’m having that kind of high you get after just sitting around laughing with your best mates for hours, and also still feeling like I’m flying through the clouds because me and Steph made up. I can still hardly believe it. As she was putting her shoes on, I was looking at her features, which seem like a face to me again now, and I reached out to touch her ear.
‘What are you doing, weirdo,’ she said, batting away my hand.
I could’ve cried with joy. You can only really insult the people you love the most to their face like that.
But I’m also feeling kind of weird and lonely, now. I tried desperately to get someone to stay over, but they all have to get up early in the morning. Faith has a family friends outing and Steph’s going along to a Morton family thing with Gracie and Andy. Holly had ‘business to attend to’.
Sigh.
Now I have to be alone and I’m definitely going to be thinking about the thing I was avoiding thinking about. But I think I’ve reached a conclusion.
My conclusion is…that I don’t really have a conclusion. I’m not sure how I feel about this, but that’s OK. I’m not going to know how I feel about it tonight. But what I do know is that he’s leaving. Whatever I may or may not feel about Leon now, he’s been a huge part of my life. And behind everything…I mean, behind all the hormones and horniness and confusion and messiness… Behind all that I do believe we have cared about each other. That we’ve been, dare I say it…friends. That’s how we started, anyway. And I’m determined that whatever else is going on, that’s how we’re going to end.
Hi, it’s me. I just wanted to say that I know you weren’t trying to hurt me and that I’m sorry things got messed up, and that there are no hard feelings here. I’ll always be your friend. 22.40
He started typing something, then stopped, then started typing again.
You know, Emma, you don’t have to say ‘it’s me’ because my phone tells me it’s you. 22.45
…It just felt more dramatic that way. 22.46
I’ll always care about you too. Bye, Emma. x 22.49
Bye, Leon.
posted by EditingEmma 00.07
New Realizations and Resolutions
So, I’ve been thinking about everything I’ve learnt this term instead and, once again, redesigning my blog. Because it’s been a bit of a roller coaster, and I think I’m in need of yet another fresh start.
There’s SO MUCH to be happy about. I started out the term on the hunt to make new friends and, even though it didn’t totally go to plan, I did make two new ones. OK, so, Charlie and Holly were sort of happy accidents and I may have made a few casual enemies along the way too…but I’m sure one day Anika Khatri will unblock me and Hannah Condom will get married, change her name and forget her grudge.
My friendship with Gracie is totally transformed and OK, so I may have had a huge fight with my best friend which was mainly my fault, but my heart was in the right place… And I actually think our friendship is going to be stronger for it.
And so I did get a little bit obsessed with my, erm, online presence. Which rapidly led me down rabbit holes of comparing myself to others and defining myself by what I’m uploading. But I’ve stopped that now, and lots of good stuff, like doing the fashion show, came out of this resolution too.
New Realizations
I stopped obsessing over boys and started focusing on myself, which would have been great, except I started focusing on my IMAGE which is categorically not the same as ‘myself’. Obsessing over how many likes you’re getting on things and how you’re coming off on social media is really no more healthy than internet stalking. It’s just internet stalking yourself.
Whilst I stopped comparing myself to Leon’s girlfriend, I started comparing myself to everyone else on the planet. YOU CAN ONLY BE YOU. (Even if you haven’t exactly worked out who that is, yet…)
Focusing on your friendships is amazing and worthwhile, but they cannot be the sum total of your existence either. Everything is a balance and getting it right can be really hard.
New Resolutions
1) Carry on focusing on my friendships but, like romantic-type-relationships, don’t obsess over them either.
I will do this by:
A) Not internet stalking my friends if I miss them. I will make actual contact.
B) Accepting that my friends have other things going on in their lives, too, and whilst expecting a decent amount of attention from them, I won’t try to hog them unreasonably.
2) Continue to use my blog for self-expression, but don’t become fixated on it or let it define me:
I will do this by:
A) Never again feeling bad about nasty comments left by sad people who have nothing better to do with their lives than try to bring other people down. And remembering that those people often have their own motives/reasons/ circumstances making them do what they do, that aren’t about you. And for every bad comment that I am focusing on, I will remember the TEN GOOD ONES that I am most definitely forgetting.
B) Trying not to forget the ‘me-behind-the-blog’, and making more time for that version of me.
C) Stopping comparing myself to other people PERIOD, and by remembering that everyone else has a themselves-behind-the-internet, too.
Once again, behold my new blog.