SIENNA
REMOVING THE LID, she handed the shake to Michael. “Drink this.”
Without protest, he drank the contents. She discarded the empty can on her nightstand and guided him into the bathroom.
Sienna turned on the hot water.
“Is it all right if I take off your underwear?”
He nodded. That was good. At least he was lucid enough to understand her. She slid his Calvin Klein briefs down his legs. He stepped out of them without being asked, and stood naked and beautiful before her.
Wearing nothing underneath her robe, Sienna dropped it to the floor, then coiled and secured her long jet black hair into a bun on the top of her head. The last thing she needed was a thirty-minute date with her blow dryer. She didn’t want to leave Michael alone for even a second.
Stepping behind the shower curtain into the tub, she guided him in behind her.
Michael stood stock still as she washed him, gliding the soapy shower pouf over his body.
I can do this, she thought. I need to be strong. He’d trusted her by coming here, and that was everything. He was her Center Stone and she somehow had the power to heal him. She wished she knew what that meant. Even after her kitchen experience, it wasn’t clear.
“Senny?” he said softly.
She looked up, his blue eyes locking on hers. “What is it, baby?”
“I feel numb inside.”
The shattered look in his eyes wrenched her insides. “Can you tell me what happened? Why you feel numb?”
“I’ve been bad,” he replied softly, childlike.
His words sent a chill through her. “Why would you say that? You’re very good in every way,” she said, feeling like a mother speaking to a child.
“No, Senny, I’m not. I’ve done bad things.” Tears welled in his eyes and his lower lip quivered.
Sienna swallowed past the dry lump in her throat. “Let’s dry off, and then you can tell me what you did, okay?”
He nodded.
She toweled herself down and then turned the towel on him. The strength of his body juxtaposed with his fragile state of mind both broke her heart and built her resolve.
Her next move was to get him into bed to sleep this off… unless there was some divine intervention on its way to unlock this mysterious gift she had. She slipped him into the robe she’d bought for him that hung on the back of the door and led him back to the bedroom.
Before he reached the bed, he said, “I’ll be right back.” For a moment, his voice returned to its normal masculine timbre. A spark of hope ignited inside her. Maybe he’d be all right after all.
She sat on the bed and waited.
He returned carrying her father’s old wooden fraternity paddle she kept hanging on her living wall among a montage of college and sporting memorabilia. The clubby décor reminded her of the library in the house she grew up in.
She gasped, her eyes widening in panic. “Why do you have that?”
His slumped shoulders and the look in his eyes—a mixture of sadness, resolve, and shame—stole her breath.
Dropping his robe, he stood naked before her and handed her the paddle. “Senny, I need to feel pain so that I don’t feel numb anymore.”
Too shocked to speak, Sienna’s breath returned in tiny pants.
Her hand moved on autopilot, taking the paddle and placing it on the bed beside her. She bit back the urge to scream, forcing herself to remain calm. That didn’t stop the vein in her neck from pulsing wildly.
Keep it together, Sienna, she told herself. Don’t break his trust.
“Why do you want me to hurt you, Michael?”
“Please? Do this for me?” he begged.
Fearing he would break if she refused, she bit her lip and nodded.
“Sit back farther,” he whispered, hanging his head. She shifted toward the middle of the bed so her feet no longer touched the ground.
He lay naked on his stomach across her lap, his generous front pressed down on the tops of her legs through her robe. She stared down at his perfectly smooth and muscled backside.
“Please, Now.” He looked at her, the side of his face resting on the bed.
Her hand crept slowly toward the paddle. Part of her would’ve felt better if his request was for sexual pleasure, even though that wasn’t really her thing. But his reason was darker and much deeper. She couldn’t escape the shame that rolled off him, striking a chord inside her.
Above all else, she cherished Michael’s trust.
He was hers. She’d do this for him…
But would he be able to face her afterward? And would she be able to face herself?
Out of nowhere, a sweet melodic voice from her Calling echoed silently in her head. The whispered words, even though spoken in a language she didn’t understand, gave her the knowledge that this was the right choice. Strength surged through her.
She gripped the paddle securely in her hand. Taking a deep breath, she brought down the first blow.
“Harder,” he whispered.
She raised the paddle and brought it down a second time.
“Again.”
After the third, his skin was a light shade of pink.
“Again,” he said softly.
She brought down the next blow.
“Harder.”
He cried softly, tears leaking from his eyes in a slow trickle. Her heart ripped in two.
She brought the paddle down harder. Her vision blurred. She grimaced. Anger, not at Michael but at what had broken him, churned up in her gut.
This time, the paddle hit his ass with a loud slap.
“One more,” he whispered.
After the last blow, she flung the paddle across the room. “How could you want this?” she yelled at him as tears spilled down her cheeks.
He said nothing. But the dead look was gone, replaced by something else—peace and conscious intelligence.
She shifted out from underneath him and lay down next to him. Wiping the wetness from under his eyes with her fingertips, she kissed the top of his head.
“I’m so tired, Senny.” His eyes sagged shut.
Her heart melted. He was back.
“Come on, baby, let’s go to sleep,” she said, wiping her face with the back of her hand.
She peeled back the sheets and they crawled underneath.
“How are you feeling down here?” she asked, touching him gently on the behind.
“A little sore, but fine,” he replied. He pulled her arm around him and twined his fingers with hers as she spooned behind him.
“Talk to me, Michael.”
“I’m just trying to get myself unstuck, Senny. That’s all,” he said, and drifted off to sleep in her arms.
She wasn’t exactly sure what he’d meant, but they’d made it to the other side. A strange tingle echoed inside her skin, reminding her of the sensation she’d felt in the kitchen. Without a doubt, she believed Michael would heal from here. She could stomach everything that had happened, except for the look of shame in his eyes. That look connected to a dark spot in her soul, to the time her uncle had touched her and made her do bad things.
She pressed her lips to his shoulder and kissed him. Holding him tight, she dropped off to sleep thinking there wasn’t anything she wouldn’t do to erase that look in his eyes.
“Michael, come here!” his father yells.
Michael shudders under his bed. He did a bad thing. He’d pushed baby Susan’s carrier off the sofa. He was mad; he’d been the only child and now she was here. He liked it when Mommy and Daddy only paid attention to him. It made Mommy cry when the carrier fell onto the floor and when baby Susan fell out. Baby Susan cried really loud. Now he’s in trouble.
But he still wants her to go away and live with a new Mommy and Daddy.
His father peers underneath the bed. His face is red, and his eyes and mouth are mad. Michael loved Mommy, but he loved Daddy more. He was scared his father wouldn’t love him anymore because of what he did… and because she was here.
Michael cries as he father drags him out by his arms and lifts him to his feet.
“Michael,” his father says with icy calm, “Come with me. Right now.”
Michael’s crying stops abruptly and he freezes in fear.
Daddy’s never been this mad before.
“Walk to my office,” he says.
Michael opens the door of the spare bedroom his father uses at night and on weekends. The sound of his mother and baby Susan crying echoes downstairs, as his father shuts the door.
“Do you know that you could’ve really hurt your sister?” His voice sends a chill up Michael’s small back.
“I don’t want her here,” he mumbles.
His father sinks his fingers into Michael’s thin shoulders and shakes him. “She’s a part of this family and I love her as much as I love you. You should be ashamed for what you did,” he says. “Pull your pants down. You’re getting a spanking you’ll never forget. To make sure you never give me a reason to do it again.”
Michael’s lower lip trembles. “I don’t want to pull my pants down. I don’t want a spanking,” he says in a little voice.
“It’s not about what you want. It’s about what you deserve. Now do it!”
He cries as he pulls down his shorts and his big-boy underwear.
“Come here,” his father says calmly. He lifts Michael up and puts him over his knee, exposing his naked bottom. Then he spanks Michael with the flat of his hand.
Michael continues to cry, now because it hurts. Only bad boys get hit on the bottom. He won’t do it again. She can stay, he decides. I don’t want Daddy to make me feel bad and not love me.
His father stands him up when he’s done. Michael wipes away the stray tears on his wet cheeks with the back of his hand.
“Go stand in the corner for a ten minute time-out,” he says.
Michael reaches down to pull up his shorts.
“No, keep them down,” he commands, “as a reminder. Go.”
Michael hangs his head and shuffles over to the corner, shorts and underpants around his thin ankles. He cries softly in the corner.
“I’ll come back when the time is up.” The anger is gone from his voice. “I’m sorry, Son. I love you very much, but you can never do something like that again. I hope this felt bad enough that you’ll never try.”
“I won’t. I promise,” he cries in a small voice. Michael would never do anything again that would make his father angry. Or make him not love him. He would never, ever, be bad again.
Sienna woke from the dream with a start, tears streaming down her face.
Michael was gone but he’d left a note on the pillow next to her. “Thank you and please forgive me. Love, Michael.”
She released a wail and wrapped her arms around her knees. Her heart hurt like she’d been punched in the chest.
“Oh, Michael.” She wanted to take that young boy into her arms and tell him that she loved him. Even more, she wanted to take the man he is now into her arms and tell him the same.
Now she understood. His mind had been stuck in that terrible moment when he’d been punished as a child. He believed he needed to be punished for his guilt of not wanting to share his father with the others, for feeling betrayed by his father and ashamed for having all those feelings. In his mind, he needed to be punished the only way he ever remembered.
It explained so much.
He’d become so afraid of ever letting go, of losing control. To him that meant punishment and that he wouldn’t be loved, while control of his emotions meant safety.
That’s why he was afraid to relinquish his control to her.
But he’d trusted her with his secret.
She read the note again. In the subtext, she sensed he thought he may have lost her, too. He signed the note with Love. For Michael, that was a lot.
Letting out a heavy sigh, she used the covers to dry her cheeks. She had to call Cara, but didn’t her want to know she’d been crying.
Her brain sifted through the events with Michael. There wasn’t much she was willing to share. This rarely happened, a situation that she couldn’t talk about with Cara. But this time, it was Michael’s privacy she protected, not her own.
She cleared her throat and hit Cara’s speed dial.
“Zeke said Michael showed up to see you,” Cara said breathlessly.
“Yeah. But before we talk about that, it happened—the Calling thing,” Sienna said.
Cara gasped. “Are you okay? How did it go?”
“Totally fine. Just confused as hell. I feel Michael like a second skin. It’s kind of weird. What now?”
“That’s how I feel with Kai. Hang tight on next steps. I’ll let you know as soon as I find out. I promise.”
Sienna scowled, and then sighed. “Anyway, Michael stayed here last night but he left before I woke up.”
“How was he?” Sienna could hear Cara’s apprehension.
“He was groggy from some sleeping pills. I got him showered. He was upset but better by the time we fell asleep.”
“You sound exhausted. Will you be okay?” Cara asked.
Sienna’s lips tugged up in a smile. “Yeah… He called me ‘Senny’ last night. He’s never done that before.”
Cara was quiet on the other side for a moment. “Sweetie, in his heart I know he loves you. Please be patient with him. He’ll be worth the effort.”
“He’s already worth it. But I don’t know if he knows how to love,” Sienna replied softly, thinking back to all she’d learned about him. The question remained: would he be able to face her again after last night?
“I believe in you both. Have some faith,” Cara said.
“I’ll try.”
“I’ll stay in touch and let you know when I find out anything else.”
“Okay. Me, too. Thanks.”
“Love you, Senny,” Cara said and hung up.
Sienna called Michael’s cell. It went straight to voicemail. She didn’t leave a message. Putting down the phone, she braced herself to start the day. It was an effort for her to get out of bed.
If he comes back, I’ll teach him how to love, or die trying, she thought as she headed to the shower.