Jackson opened his eyes to see his bedroom bathed in sunlight. Letting out a quiet yawn, he turned over to cuddle with Evan, and was surprised he wasn’t there. Panicked, he scrambled for his phone and sighed when he saw he had several missed texts and calls from his boyfriend.
“Fuck,” he muttered, rubbing his forehead as he read them and realized Evan thought he’d been avoiding him due to what he’d admitted the night before. He was unsure how the redhead could jump to the conclusion that his confession had freaked out Jackson considering he’d practically pulled the words from Evan’s mouth.
Still, it wasn’t lost on him that it was a big deal. He knew Evan. Jackson understood that Evan didn’t say that shit to people. They were similar that way, both reluctant to let themselves go for fear that if they did they’d never be able to drag themselves back. Jack had spent six years with Tamara and he hadn’t been able to utter the phrase, even if just to appease her.
Jackson (8:45am): Fuck 4got to turn ringer on
Jackson (8:45am): Fell asleep
Jackson (8:46am): wasn’t avoiding u
Jackson (8:47am): wanted to hear that
He looked back through all the messages, able to focus on the last few once his brain settled from the realization that he slept through his boyfriend’s attempts to reach him. When Jack reread them, dread immediately pushed down on his chest at the thought of what the impulsive, most likely fucked-up-off-his-ass Klown had done to a Demonz corner.
Jackson (8:49am): what the fuck did u do?
Not stalling another moment, he rolled out of bed, put on his jeans and a long-sleeve shirt, pissed, brushed his teeth, and threw a Sox hat over his bedhead. Growing up, he’d liked the Cubbies, but DDz didn’t root for any motherfuckers that wore blue. Jackson made sure to fasten his thin gold chain around his neck, knowing that if he saw his boyfriend it would drive him crazy, because for some inexplicable reason, it always did.
Shit, he wanted to see Evan. Jackson never thought he’d turn into such a goddamn needy bitch for someone, but Evan had changed everything. Jack chided himself for worrying more about missing out on a morning with his boyfriend than he was about whatever the hell Evan had done.
Regardless, he made his way out of his apartment building and headed toward the corner Evan had specified. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting to see, but from the texts, he was thinking that it would most likely be something that would piss him the fuck off.
Every time Tammy had done annoying shit, he’d become increasingly checked out, until only the slightest sliver of obligation tied him to her. With Evan, it was different. The redhead was tough to handle, but even on his worst days, Jackson felt more compelled to pull him in closer rather than push him away, thinking that those were the times he had to care for him more.
Loving Evan was both the easiest and hardest thing Jackson had ever done.
Lighting up a cigarette, he pulled the nicotine into his lungs and exhaled into the damp morning air. Thick clouds rested one on top of the other, a stratified gradient of grays. It seemed that the sky was going to open up at any moment to dump a deluge of rain on the tired town, and he wished he was in bed with Evan when it did. Instead, he was standing on the corner of Grant and St. Lawrence, face-to-face with a blue koala bear that was hugging a can of spray paint.
He should have been livid that a Klown Killerz had the audacity to spray over the DDz’ logo on one of their most lucrative corners. He should have been concerned by how impulsive his boyfriend was. He should have been aggravated that Evan had pulled him out of bed to look at a stupid koala bear, but Jack wasn’t any of those things. He was mostly worried about what could have happened if any of his boys had been out last night and saw his artist at work.
He shook his head and let out a light laugh, feeling his cheeks warm when he realized that the image reflected how Evan saw him: attached and loving. The neediness of the hold was palpable. He wondered how the redhead so easily saw through him, felt his love even when he wasn’t sure how to properly show it. He was glad he did.
Jackson (9:23am): ur fucking nuts
Evan (9:25am): u want my nuts
Jackson (9:25am): that 2
Evan (9:26am): could’ve had them on ur face last night
Evan (9:26am): would’ve fucked that hot mouth but u didn’t answer
Jackson (9:27am): Fell asleep man 4got 2 turn ringer on
Evan (9:28am): that right?
Jackson (9:28am): wasn’t ignoring u
Jackson (9:30am): missed ya
Jackson (9:30am): don’t like waking up without u
Evan (9:31am): Thought it was cause of what I said
Jackson (9:32am): no needed to hear that
Evan (9:33am): yeah?
Jackson (9:33am): yeah come over in an hour. Got something 4 u.
Evan (9:34am): it’s daytime
Jackson (9:34am): I’m outside looking at a fucking koala know it’s daytime. Come over.
Evan (9:35am): u sure?
Jackson (9:35am): said it didn’t I?
Evan (9:36am): alright c u soon
Jackson snapped a quick picture of Evan’s painting and send it off to Lyle.
Jackson (9:38am): on Grant & St. Lawrence tell them 2 cover it 2night
Lyle (9:39am): KKz? A fucking blue koala?
Jackson (9:40am): probably just some kid
Jackson (9:40am): KKz are pussies but I don’t think they rep koalas
Lyle (9:41): prob right lol
He slid his phone back into his pocket, making sure not to delete the picture. By tomorrow the tag would be gone, sprayed over with a black coffin. As stupid as it was, he wanted to keep it because it mattered to Evan, and that mattered to him. Honestly? Jack thought the whole thing was pretty sweet, and that convinced him that he was losing his fucking mind.
It was easier not to think about all the dangerous shit they did, as if keeping it out of his mind would make it so it didn’t exist, but he knew he couldn’t wish away the truth. If he could he would’ve erased their whole situation and all the surrounding bullshit, just leaving them; no colors. If a DD would’ve seen Evan on their corner with a can of blue spray paint and a matching beanie, they would’ve painted the sidewalk red with his blood.
Jackson had lost plenty of people and had taken even more, but the thought of living his life without Evan was too much to bear.
Unsure when he lost himself, when a random park fuck had taken over his life and changed everything, Jack knew his priorities were different now. He didn’t worry as much about the gang, or his loyalty to them. He used to be ride or die Demonz. Every decision he made was based on the greater good of the gang. Now, he only wanted to ride with Evan.
Fuck, he was dying to ride him. He felt himself grow hard at the thought, wondering when he’d stop having such an immediate physical reaction to thoughts of his boyfriend.
He adjusted himself and started on his way to meet his dealer on Halstead, knowing that he could get Evan what he needed. The transaction didn’t take long, but by the time he was done the downpour had begun. He kept his head down and pulled his hat down low as he walked the few blocks home. He got back to his apartment building just as Evan was opening the door to the lobby.
They didn’t look at each other, eyes facing forward and boots squeaking from the puddles as they made their way over the slick tiled floor to the elevator. Standing several feet apart, they waited for the door to slide open, thin rivulets of water still trickling down onto the floor. Jackson tapped his fingers nervously against the thigh of his wet jeans, silently praying that nobody showed up to ride the elevator with them. As soon as the door slid open then closed behind them, they were on each other, mouths and hands locked together, damp bodies pressed close. Evan tasted like weed and gumdrops, a combination so intoxicating that Jackson was sure he got drunk on his lips.
“I love you,” Jack told Evan, pulling away long enough to stare with sincerity into blown-out brown eyes and smiling into the kiss again when Evan leaned in with more hunger, obviously appreciating hearing his sentiment returned.
“Because of the koala?” he whispered with a soft laugh, nuzzling his nose into Jackson’s neck.
“In spite of the fucking koala,” Jackson replied, with a huff that made Evan laugh harder.
“You loved it,” he stated matter-of-factly as he sucked a mark into Jackson’s wet skin.
“Love you,” Jack repeated, letting himself get swept past the dam they’d broken, washed away with the current. “Fucking love you.”
“I love you,” Evan assured him, admitting it to both of them once again. “Never loved anyone like I love you.”
Evan’s earnestness was dizzying and Jackson found himself leaning his body heavy against his lover’s, thinking if he didn’t he’d lose his balance.
Regretfully, they peeled themselves apart when the elevator opened, the short walk down the hallway to Jackson’s apartment feeling like miles; Jack’s lips tingled with the desire to reconnect.
“Amy here?” Evan asked as Jackson put his key into the lock and turned it.
“No.” He couldn’t ignore the fact that his hand was trembling as he turned the knob, everything feeling like too much and not enough at the same time.
He considered giving Evan what Jack had picked up for him, but decided to save it for another time. He dropped his backpack on the ground as he stripped off their clothes, ready to give himself to Evan instead.
Everything.