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“BE GOOD, STELLA.” MOM closed the door behind her, and I collapsed onto the couch.
Be good?
That was beyond easy when I didn’t do anything that could even remotely be considered as bad. I had maybe a half an hour until Tor got here, and Mason was fast asleep in his playpen in my room.
I grabbed one of my text books and decided I might as well read next week’s chapters to get ahead. I tried not to dwell on the fact that this was going to be my Friday night. After Tor came to pick up Mason, I planned on ordering a pizza and watching Dateline. I led a really wild and crazy life.
Halfway through chapter nineteen Tor knocked on the door, and Mason had yet to wake up.
I tossed the text book on the couch and opened the door to Tor standing there with a pizza in one hand and a six pack of beer in the other.
“You busy tonight?”
My jaw opened and closed as I tried to think of something to say. Anything to say.
“I’m gonna take that as a no, and invite myself in.” He pushed open the door the rest of the way with the pizza box and nudged me to the side to slip inside.
“I... ah... what are... huh?”
Tor set the pizza box on the coffee table and looked over his shoulder at me. “You, me, pizza.”
“Mason?” I squeaked.
“He’s not quite ready for pizza, though he might think differently. He does have those two teeth.”
That wasn’t what I meant when I said Mason. “I mean he’s here.”
A panty melting smile spread across his lips. “I sure as shit hope so, Babe. I wouldn’t think you would have sent him home on the bus or something.” He threw a wink at me and strolled into the kitchen as if he did this every day.
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even have Mason to try and hide behind.
“You want a beer, Babe?” he called.
Did I want a beer? A tranquilizer would be ideal. “Uh, sure?”
“You good with the bottle, or you want a glass?”
I lived in Lincoln Ruins. No one drank their beer or liquor out of a glass. “The bottle is fine.”
I heard him rummage through the drawers, then the sound of two bottles opening. “You gonna stand by the door all night?”
I spun around and saw him leaning against the entryway to the kitchen, a beer in each hand. “I, uh, I’m not sure what I’m doing?”
Tor chuckled and motioned to the couch. “Why don’t you sit down, Stella. I hope I didn’t interrupt you studying.”
“No. Well, yes, but no.”
Tor tilted his head and closed one eye. “I didn’t go to a fancy college so I’m not sure exactly what that answer means.”
I wasn’t going to a fancy college. Lincoln College was a mediocre college that didn’t rank nationally in anything. “It means I was studying, but I didn’t really need to be studying.”
He pushed off the doorway. “I don’t think that answer is anymore clearer than what you said before.”
It wasn’t. I could barely remember what I had just said so trying to explain it was going to be hard. I needed to know why Tor was in my house acting like he belonged there. “What is going on here?”
Tor sat down on the couch, set the beers down, and flipped back the cover to the pizza. “I’m starving so I picked up a pizza, brought it over, and figured we could hang out.”
“We never hang out,” I pointed out.
“You’re right,” he agreed, “so I wanted to change that.”
Tor Kestrel wanted to hang out with me? I had to wonder if he was high or already drunk. “I’m beyond confused.”
“There isn’t anything to be confused about, Stella.”
That was where he was completely wrong. I took two steps toward him then stopped. “Tor, you can’t honestly be sitting there thinking that you and I eating pizza on a Friday night is normal.”
“Well, if it’s not, it should be.”
Tor Kestrel had been abducted by aliens sometime between him dropping off Mason this morning and now. He lifted a slice of pizza from the box and held it out to me. “Why do I feel like you’re the creepy guy in the van offering me candy?”
He looked at the pizza then at me. “It’s pizza, not candy.”
I rolled my eyes. “You completely missed my point.”
“If your point is, I’m offering you something in return to get in your pants you’re wrong.”
I felt relieved but also let down. “Oh.”
“Let me clarify that. I’m offering you pizza because I figure you’re hungry. The whole getting into your pants thing is something I wouldn’t mind, but I figure pizza wasn’t the way to get that. Though, if it is, you can have the whole pizza and I’ll meet you in your room.”
My jaw dropped, and I once again had no freakin’ clue what to say. I turned to look at the door, then back at him. “I... you...”
“Stella,” he called. “Come sit down, eat some pizza, and watch TV with me. That’s all I’m asking for right now.”
He said for right now. What was he going to ask for later? Hopefully what I dreamed about every night. “I should go check on Mason.” My thoughts were running rampant, and I needed to get out of the same room as Tor to get my head straight. I fled the living room before he could protest.
Mason was still sound asleep in his playpen next to my bed, and I was half tempted to wake him up just so I would have him to be a buffer between Tor and me.
“Never wake sleeping babies.”
I swore I jumped ten feet in the air and clutched my hand to my heart. “What are you doing?” I hissed.
“Shouldn’t I be the one pissed you were two seconds away from waking my kid so you wouldn’t have to talk to me?” Tor stood in my doorway, once again leaning against the doorframe, with his arms folded over his chest.
“I wasn’t going to wake him,” I insisted. At least not that I was going to admit out loud.
He hitched his thumb over his shoulder. “Come eat, and I promise not to run you off again.”
I really couldn’t hang out in my room when Tor was in the living room. There weren’t any excuses I could come up with that could work. “Fine, but no underwear talk.”
A smirk spread across his lips. “You were the one to bring it up this time, Babe.” He pushed off the doorframe and walked back into the living room.
I glanced one last time at Mason’s sweet sleeping face and willed him to wake. It didn’t work.
I trudged quietly back to the living room and sat down on the opposite side of the couch from Tor. “What kind of pizza did you get?”
“The only kind there is.” He held a slice to me. “Every meat known to man and cheese.”
The smell of bacon wafted toward me, and my stomach rumbled. “How did you know that was my favorite?” I grabbed the slice and took a huge bite.
“Asked the guy behind the counter if he ever delivered pizza here. He told me every Friday night you ordered the carnivore.”
“Stalking much?” I mumbled around a mouth full.
He shrugged and sat back in the couch with a half-eaten slice in his hand. “More like detective work, Babe.”
I grabbed the beer closest to me and took a swig. “New sideline for you?”
“You betcha. If the tattooing doesn’t work out for me, I can always get into catching cheating lovers in the act.”
We ate in silence till I couldn’t take it anymore and reached for the TV remote. “Anything you feel like watching?” I asked.
“Whatever you normally watch, Babe. I’m sure it’s better than the kid shit I have on all of the time.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at the idea of Tor watching Barney, Sesame Street, and anything on the Disney channel.
“Yuck it up, Babe, but I’m sure you watch the same thing all day.”
I shook my head and kicked my feet up on the coffee table. “I have the morning show on until eleven, then the noon news, and then if Mason is being fussy, I’ll put a cartoon on for him.”
“How in the heck do you manage that? I swear as soon as we get through the door he’s pointing at the TV and crying till I turn the damn thing on.”
“Sucker,” I mumbled. I found the evening news that was on before Dateline. “He plays you like a fiddle.” I grabbed another piece of pizza and tucked my legs underneath me.
“Probably, but it also gives me a couple of minutes to get dinner ready while he watches some pig show.”
“I’m sure it’s not easy to watch him by yourself.”
“You do it every day, Babe,” he pointed out.
I tilted my head to the side and chewed slowly. “Yeah, but it doesn’t feel like the same thing. I choose to watch him, you on the other hand really have no choice.”
“True, though I don’t want another choice.” Tor reached for his beer. “That kid is the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
I had never heard Tor talk about Mason like that before. You always hoped and assumed that parents loved their kids more than anything, but Lexi was the testament to the fact that wasn’t always true. “He is pretty special.”
“Yeah, he’s definitely something. He’s got me buying him all sorts of toys and the kid can’t even say anything more than dada.”
“I think that’s more your doing rather than his,” I laughed. “He has you wrapped around his tiny finger.”
Tor sighed and leaned back into the couch. “Yeah, he sure does.”
“You ever wonder what it would be like if Lexi was still here?” I slapped my hand over my mouth, and squeezed my eyes shut. “Forget I even said that,” I mumbled. Tor and I were finally having a real conversation and I had to go and ruin it by bringing up Lexi.
Tor chuckled and shook his head. “Thought about it once or twice when Mason’s up all night cranky as shit because he’s got a tooth coming in or something.”
I picked at the crust of my pizza patiently waiting.
“I’m sure I sound like a huge dick when I say this but I really don’t care.”
I sucked in a breath and held it.
“If Lexi were still here, she would have fucked that kid up beyond repair. I saw the games she played with me, and I have no doubt in my mind she would have used Mason against me any possible way she could have. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying she didn’t love him, just that Lexi was always looking for ways to pull favor in her direction.”
“You can’t do that with a baby,” I insisted.
“I know, Babe. That’s what I just said,” he laughed. “I would never have wished something bad to happen to Lexi, but in the back of my mind I knew that it was possible with the life she chose to lead that one day she might not be there for Mason. Now, I didn’t think it was going to happen so soon after she had him, but I’m kind of thankful it did before she started playing games with him.”
“I get it,” I whispered.
“Figured you would, seeing as I saw and heard about the shit, she pulled with you.”
My stomach dropped, and I wondered if she had told him that I liked him. “Uh, yeah?”
“She was always dogging you for the way you looked, or the clothes you were wearing. I never understood it. It was like she was jealous of your life when in reality she could have had the same things as you if she would have just put down the needles and pills.”
He was right about everything. Though, I was thankful that he didn’t know about what Lexi really gave me hell about. “But, with her dying that put a lot of stress on you.”
He looked over at me with a sad smile on his face. “Yeah, but I got you out of it.”
My eyes dropped to the coffee table, and my brain frantically tried to figure out what he meant. “I would have been there to help even if Lexi was still here.” For the two weeks after Mason was born and Lexi was still alive my mom and I had been the ones to take care of Mason most of the time.
Tor reached his hand out to me. “Stella.”
I looked at him then down at his hand.
“Give me your hand, Babe.”
I hesitantly put my hand in his. His long fingers wrapped around my hand, and he tugged me close. “Come here.”
What was going on? Who was he talking to? It surely couldn’t be me. “Tor, I...”
“Shut up, Stella. I know you hate me, but for maybe two minutes could you act like you actually can stand me?”
“I don’t hate you. Not at all,” I whispered. It was the complete opposite. I loved him, and I didn’t know how to function around him so I just become a bitch because it’s easier to be a bitch than to admit my feelings. Being a chick was so confusing.
“Really? Because you had me thinking you only liked Mason, and not me.”
I shook my head. “I like you both.”
“That’s good to know, Babe.” He again gave my hand a tug. “You wanna come closer, or are you gonna stay down there all night?”
“Uh...”
He took over, realizing my brain had died as soon as he touched me. He shifted toward me, his hand still holding mine, and his arm wrapped around my waist. He lifted me off the couch, and onto his lap. “So this is what you feel like in my arms. Way better than I ever imagined.”
I rested my hands on his shoulders and tried to get a grasp on what was happening. I was straddling his waist, his body between my legs, and I was trying not to pass out. Breath, Stella.
“Breathing would be a good idea, Babe.”
“Shit,” I gasped. I had said that out loud.
“You know, that is the first time I have ever heard you cuss.” His eyes lit with amusement.
“I try not to do it since Mason is around all of the time. The last thing I need is for you to pick him up and he goes home saying shit.”
Tor chuckled and shook his head. “If he ever does say it I wouldn’t even think it came from you.”
Well, that was a relief. “I guess I’ll let the cuss words rip the next time Mason is here.”
“You do that, Babe, but make sure you take a video cause I wanna see it.” He rested his hands on my waist and leaned in. His forehead rested against mine and he sighed. “Are you really in my lap right now?”
“Yeah, though I don’t know how it happened.”
“You mad it happened?” he whispered.
“Uh, not in the least.” I closed my eyes and didn’t fight the next words that came out. “I’ve been wanting this for the past year and a half.” I heard his breath catch, and I opened my eyes.
His piercing gaze connected with mine. “You felt it that first time we met, too?”
“I... I don’t...” I knew exactly what he was talking about. The second my eyes had landed on Tor, it was like my breath was knocked out of me, and he was the only thing in the room that could make me breathe again.
“You felt it, Babe,” he whispered. “I walked into Lexi’s house thinking I was going to meet her stepmom and mousey stepsister she complained about, and instead I fall head over heels with you without you even speaking a word.”
“Eh... How... That...” No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get a word out. Tor had rendered me speechless again.
“Just nod your head if you feel the same damn thing, Stella,” he growled.
I bit my lip and nodded my head.
“Thank fuck,” he sighed. “I’m gonna kiss you now because it has been too damn long.”
“Too long fo-.” His lips connected with mine, cutting off my words, and all thoughts again.
His lips moved against mine and my hands inched up his neck and into his hair. His right hand stayed on my hip while the left one spanned my back and pulled me closer. “You see me,” I whispered against his lips.
“I’ve always seen you, Stella. It was hard not to.”
“But wh-.” Mason’s wail cuts between us, and I instantly feel Tor pull back from me.
“Christ, I love that kid, but he totally just killed the vibe.” I shifted off of Tor, and he stood up. “I’ll grab him,” he sighed.
I nod dumbly unsure of what to say. I was just in his lap wishing for time to freeze so I would never have to lose his touch, and now Mason was crying and I crashed back to reality.
Tor waited a beat for me to say something, anything really, but all I did was sit there. “Look at me, Stella.”
I tipped my head back and took a deep breath.
“You good?”
Such a simple question, yet I didn’t know the answer. “Uh, I think so.” Not only had the man rendered me speechless, he had also rendered me dumb.
Mason cried out again, and Tor took off down the hallway to him.
I listened to him talking to him, asking what his problem was, and I laughed. “It’s cause I’m not Stella, isn’t it?” he asked loudly.
I grabbed the pillow next to me and buried my face in it. Everything was changing. The one person I always wanted to see me finally saw me.
Except I didn’t know if he was seeing the right thing.
*
