Chapter Twenty

On Christmas Eve, Henry entered my room dressed in navy-blue dress pants and a blue-and-white-striped shirt. His cologne lingered fiery and alluring.

I greeted him with a hug and a kiss. “Well, you look nice.”

“I wondered if you’d like to go to a Christmas Eve service with me.”

“To where? Church?” I sneered.

He laughed. “You don’t have to say it like that.”

“I’m sorry.” I licked my lips and said softly with mocked sincerity, “Are you asking me to church?”

“You’re ridiculous.” He smiled, touched my chin, and brought his lips softly to mine. “Yes. There’s a church up the highway that has a Christmas Eve service. We sing carols by candlelight, and there is some kind of inspirational message about the season. A bunch of us go every year. I promise, you’ll like it.”

I bit my cheek, not sure if that was such a great idea. I wouldn’t be surprised if I caught fire the minute I stepped through the doorway of the holy place.

“There’re hot cocoa and cookies,” he added with a wink.

“Oh well, if there’re cocoa and cookies,” I repeated with a touch of sarcasm.

“Seriously, you’ll like it.”

“When you say, ‘A bunch of us go…’ who are you referring to exactly?”

“Um…” He looked down and shifted from one foot to the other. “The staff.”

I waved at the air and stepped back. “Nah. That’s probably not a good idea. They hate me.”

He tucked my hand into his. “They don’t hate you. Annoyed, maybe, but not hate. Look, you need to mend those fences. This is the perfect chance to do that.”

I still wasn’t sure, but I could tell this service meant something to him, so I should care and support him. “Fine, but only if we sit way in the back, away from the crowd. That way, when the lightning strikes, we don’t kill a bunch of people.”

He laughed. “Deal.”

“How long do I have to get ready?”

“Five minutes?” he said.

“Five minutes? I can’t wash my hands in five minutes.” I reached for the red bell sleeve dress I had purchased with my paycheck and sprinted down the hall into the bathroom. I combed my hair, quickly put on some makeup, and stepped into the hall in a little over fifteen minutes. Henry waited, maybe impatiently, but when I stepped out, the huge grin on his face said it was all good.

Thanks to the lovely LA traffic, the trip took another twenty minutes just to get to the church down the road. The parking lot was full, so we drove farther and took the shuttle to the main entrance.

The amount of people put a lump in my throat. I had not stepped foot in a church since Mom died. What should I expect? Could they glimpse into my soul and see the true blackness of my heart?

Henry slid his hand into mine.

I squeezed it tight. We weaved through a crowd drinking coffee on the patio.

Just inside the door, a woman greeted us and handed me a small green sheet with Christmas carols printed on the outside.

The inside lobby buzzed with activity as people laughed, hugged, and conversed. Several men and women shook my hand. One older lady tried to give me a hug.

I, of course, made it awkward. Henry must have sensed my dismay, as he led me straight to the back of the sanctuary. As promised, we sat in the last pew in the middle of the auditorium. Once seated, I glanced around the enormous building. Five more rows were positioned to my left and a good forty in front on six sides.

Henry said a balcony covered us.

I kind of wished we had sat there, completely hidden and out of view.

People trickled in and slipped into the open pews in front of us. On the platform, various musicians tuned their instruments. Christmas trees lined both sides of the stage, and a row of poinsettias decorated the steps.

Several rows down, I noticed Rosa and Eunice take a seat.

Thankfully, Henry didn’t beckon them to join us.

I held my breath and kept an eye on them.

A woman in the row behind them tapped Rosa on the shoulder. The older woman hugged her, and then spotted us over the lady’s shoulder. She smiled at Henry, but her countenance hardened when she saw me.

The music started, and thankfully, she dropped back around into her seat. We sang carols and a couple of songs I had not heard before. The room rang of joy and peace. Part of me wanted to escape out the back door, while the other part of me wanted to fold into this sensation and never leave.

After the singing, we shook each other’s hands.

Rosa and Eunice walked back and hugged Henry. They nodded at me but gave little else.

“Please be seated,” an older man said.

I assumed he must be the preacher.

He prayed. “I want to read a verse you are probably all familiar with. We see it at ball games and sports events in the stands. It really is the Christmas story. Turn with me to John 3:16-18.”

Some people flipped pages in Bibles in their laps.

Some people, like me, just stared at the screens.

He read from the Bible. “ ‘For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned…’ ” He closed his Bible and looked at the audience. “I want to focus on the word condemn. This season is a season of forgiveness. It is why Jesus was born, but it should also be a season of new beginnings for us. A chance to show our love for others. When you hold onto a grudge, you do not hurt the other person, you hurt yourself. Forgiveness will unburden you.”

What the preacher said pierced my heart. He talked more, but I heard little else he said. I never realized that my bitterness for Meredith didn’t hurt her at all. It only hurt me. I suffered, but not her. She walked in this life free, and I existed in self-afflicted pain. I needed release and to find the peace he talked about. I had to forgive her. I processed a ton of emotions in a matter of minutes: anger, hatred, sorrow, grief, contempt, resentment, jealousy, pride. I played everything over and over in my mind from the minute my mother hit the floor behind me until this moment in time. Meredith had never been anything but nice, but I treated her horribly, and yet, she continued to try. My resentment kept her at bay.

I could not continue to hold these feelings anymore. They hurt too much. They destroyed me little by little, and soon, I would be lost. I knew this, felt this, and believed this. Meredith one, me zero. My hatred for her slowly killed my soul. I had to let go. “Meredith, I forgive you,” I whispered under my breath. Instantly, a weight lifted. I prayed silently for a while. I needed to alter my life and to express myself differently, to be kinder, and to ask for others’ forgiveness.

People around me stood and started to sing again.

I slid out of the pew and walked to Rosa’s and Eunice’s row.

The devil on my shoulder asked, “What are you doing?” I imagined flicking him off and maintaining my course.

Both women glanced my way. The tears in their eyes said the message had moved them as well.

“I’m sorry,” I said, glancing at each of them. “I know I’ve been awful to you and everyone else. I have been holding in some serious bitterness, and it affected how I responded to both of you. You didn’t deserve any of it, and I apologize profusely.”

The women joined me in the aisle and hugged me tight. The three of us cried.

The pain of my mom dying, the disgust of my dad’s remarriage, and the hatred toward Meredith all seemed to melt into the carpet beneath my feet.

Henry joined me and led me out to the courtyard, where he handed me a napkin, a gingerbread cookie, and a cup of cocoa.

I used the napkin to wipe away my tears. I wasn’t sure if I could swallow a cookie just yet.

“Are you okay?” he asked, before biting the leg off his cookie.

“Yeah, better than I thought possible.” I sipped the warm drink. “Thanks for bringing me here. This is what I needed.”

He gave me a side hug, just as Rosa and a portly man with gray hair approached us on the patio.

“Cindy, this is my husband, Pat.”

He stuck out his meaty hand.

I shook it. “Nice to meet you, Pat.”

“Likewise.”

“What are you two doing tomorrow?” Rosa looked at both of us.

“Probably nothing.” My family doesn’t know I exist, so what can I do?

Rosa pointed at her husband. “Well, Pat and I are eating a Christmas brunch around 11 a.m. You’re both invited, if you’d like to come.”

Henry glanced at me.

I smiled.

“Sounds good,” he replied.

“Do you still know how to get to my house?” she asked Henry.

“Up on Brady, right?”

“Yeah, the yellow house just behind the falafel restaurant.”

“Got it,” Henry said.

“Great. See you tomorrow.” Rosa tucked her hand under Pat’s arm, and the two shuffled toward the parking lot.

Suddenly, I realized Eunice was there, also.

She gave an awkward grin, then scuttled off.

“I hope they truly forgive me. I’ve been so awful.”

Henry took a sip of his hot chocolate. “They’re nice people. I think they already have. You want to head back to the house?”

“Yeah.” I tossed trash in a nearby can, then followed him to the car.

We didn’t say much on the way back. Most likely, he sensed my emotional roller coaster and chose to give me space. Often when I had one, I could be mean. But something inside me had clicked off of the “jerk” setting. I felt different and transformed, and I only wanted to do things that promoted the new me.

Henry parked in the back lot, and we got out.

Meredith waited on the porch.

I wanted to promote the new me, but her presence challenged that.

“Can the two of you come here for a moment?” she asked.

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. The new me would take time, but it started with kindness. “Sure, how can we help?”

Meredith smiled. “I want to surprise my husband with a gift tomorrow, but I need your assistance in bringing it inside after he goes to bed. Would the two of you mind carrying it to the living room later this evening? It’s in the garage with a big bow. You can’t miss it.”

We glanced at each other, then Henry nodded. “Sure.”

“Thank you. I so appreciate it.” She touched my arm, then walked back inside.

Mixed emotions poured through me, but I chose to hang onto the one focused on Meredith’s generosity to my dad. She wanted to do something nice for him. I would focus on that. Forgiveness was not for the weak. Forgiveness required tenacity and decisions made each moment of every day. Forgiveness was a choice. I had to choose joy, like Eunice did.

Henry and I entered the staff lounge. I had only been in the tiny space once since moving in, mainly because the room looked like a garage sale. A brown faux-leather sofa faced a small wood-burning stove. Between the stove and the couch stood a small, smoked-glass coffee table with gold trim. To the left rocked an old wooden chair, and to the right, a beat-up orange futon clashed in its space.

We sat on the sofa, and he touched his lips to mine. “I have something for you.”

My heart leapt. It had been a while since I had received a gift. I smiled, closed my eyes, and held out my open palms.

He laughed, then pressed something small in my hand.

I peeked out one eye, then both, and saw a small white box the size of his fist. Please don’t let this be anything too fancy. I could not give him an expensive gift for Christmas, and I definitely wasn’t ready to be asked an important question. My hand trembled as I lifted the lid. But all fear dispersed replaced with laughter.

Set on a fluffy cotton square lay a bottle of shoe glue and a packet of bedazzle rhinestones.

“You’re too funny. It’s definitely the right size.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and squeezed tight.

“Well, my princess needed to fix her shoe, and I could tell you’re the type of woman who could use a little bedazzle in her life.”

“You know me well.” I kissed him again. “I have something for you, too, but you’ll have to wait until tomorrow.”

His eyebrows elevated in the middle.

“Trust me?”

“A hundred percent.” He crawled to the wood-burning stove, tossed in a paper log, lit it, and joined me again. For a moment, the two of us stared at the flames licking the paper, and then leaned into each other. In the background, sounds of Christmas music wafted through from the main house.

Meredith liked to blast Christmas music on Christmas Eve while the family gorged themselves on sprout cookies and soy eggnog.

Usually, I chose to sulk in my room instead of participating. But today, I would have come down with a merry attitude, sang along, and even devoured some of Meredith’s nasty vegan treats.

Henry fingered a strand of my hair and stared intently. “I know I’m always asking you this, but are you okay? I mean, really, okay?”

“Yeah, for the first time, I think so. I am starting to realize what’s important in this world, that’s all.” I shifted sideways to see his handsome face better. The fire light twinkled in his golden eyes and danced on his face, making his skin look like smooth peanut butter. I touched his cheek and grinned. “I’m really glad I found you.”

“Me, too.” His lips traveled from my forehead, down to my nose, and landed on my lips.

We kissed for a few minutes until someone cleared her throat behind us. We broke apart.

I glanced back.

Eunice waited inside the doorway, holding a plate of treats. “Meredith said to share these with the staff. Since we’re the only ones here, I guess it goes to you. Warning, though, it’s the healthy stuff.”

“Thanks.” I laughed, taking her tray and setting it down on the coffee table. “Are you working this evening?”

“Yeah, I don’t really have a great home to go back to, and I like the extra money. So, I usually agree to stay on, in case the family needs me.”

“You stay every year?” I asked.

“Pretty much, yeah.”

Sadly, I had never noticed that before. Now that I thought about it, Eunice had always been around on Christmas Day. Knowing the old me, I probably yelled and made her holiday a living nightmare. The guilt and shame of the “jerk me” slammed into my gut hard. How could I repay this woman for years of agony?

If I returned to my old life, I would make it my goal to make everything better for her life and improve all of this down here. To start, the staff needed a better fireplace, a bigger bathroom with a tub and shower, fluffier blankets, nicer pillows, better paintings, hotter heat, and, of course, cuter outfits. “Did you want to join us?” I waved at the empty chair.

Eunice’s eyes and mouth widened.

I knew, without a doubt, I had not in my former life nor in this alternative hell ever asked this woman to join me for anything. I couldn’t blame her for being a little shocked.

Slowly, she lowered into the rocking chair across from us, but her expression remained guarded.

“Where’s home?” I asked to smooth the thick air.

“I’m moved from France when I was little. My family stayed here until my senior year of high school. I had danced ballet my whole life, so when they decided to go back to France, I stayed and moved to New York City. Of course, I hoped to make it in the dancing world.” She rocked in the chair, smiling, her eyes appeared distant as she recollected old memories. “And I almost did. I danced for about six months for a company, but then I broke the tibia bone in my ankle. The doctor said it would never fully recover. At first, I thought my life was over, but then I was offered a teaching job at a dance studio in Los Angeles. So, I moved again. But within less than a year, the studio closed down, and I had nothing again. So, in an effort to survive…” She placed her arms out in front of her, as if grabbing the world with her embrace. “This was it. My big break.”

I never knew. How could I? I didn’t ask. I forced her to shut up and be quiet and bring me my tea. I had never allowed this amazing woman to tell me her story. “Why have you stayed here so long? Don’t you want to teach anymore?” I reached for an orange cookie, not sure what might be inside, carrots maybe, and waited for her response.

Eunice rocked, her gaze on the flickering fire. She didn’t look away as she answered. “Yes and no. Of course, I want to teach. And of course, who likes cleaning after people for a living? But I was so burnt-out and broken when I came here that I appreciated the laid-back lifestyle. I know when to get up and what I’m supposed to do. Mr. and Mrs. Tremaine seem to like me. Eventually, I might get back out there, but for now, I’m okay.”

Why had I been so mean to her? I took a bite of the cookie as a distraction but spit it back onto a napkin.

Henry laughed. “No good?”

I contorted my face. “No bueno.”

Henry reached for a cake with green specs. He sniffed it and then popped it in his mouth.

I watched his eyes to see his reaction.

He bobbed his head back and forth as he chewed. “That actually wasn’t too bad.”

“What was it?” Eunice asked.

“I think zucchini bread.”

“Vegetables do not belong in dessert.” I crossed my arms and pushed back into the cushions.

Henry lifted another square from the plate and brought it toward my nose.

I twisted my face away.

But he brought it to the other side.

I shook my head, pinning my lips tightly together. “Uh, uh. You can’t make me.”

He laughed, not relenting. “Just try it.”

I giggled, squirming away.

“Don’t be such a baby. Try it.” He waved it under my nose.

As if to best me, Eunice reached for a piece and popped it in her mouth.

“See, both Eunice and I did it, and we’re still alive. Your turn, woosie.”

I narrowed my eyes. “You’re relentless.”

“True.”

He held the square under my nose. It smelt of nutmeg and molasses. Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad. I opened my mouth.

He set it on my tongue.

I closed my mouth and chewed.

“Well?”

Okay, it wasn’t too bad. But I would not give him the satisfaction of being right. “Like I said, vegetables do not belong in dessert.”

“You’re lying. You liked it.” He tickled my side.

I scrambled away.

“Well, I’m beat.” Eunice rocked forward to her feet. “I’ll see you two kids in the morning.”

“Night,” Henry and I said in unison.

Once alone, Henry gave me a soft, sweet kiss, then rose and helped me to my feet.

I held him for a while, comforted in his embrace.

“We should probably get to bed, too. We wouldn’t want to miss Santa,” he said.

I laughed. “Santa already came for me. It’s you who doesn’t want to miss Santa.”

“Maybe Santa gives more than one gift.” He winked, kissed my cheek, and walked toward his room on the other end of the hall.

I sauntered down the hall to my own place. I closed the door and shivered. The room had a slight chill. I dressed into a T-shirt and sweats, then slid in between the sheets and pulled the thin covers tight around my chin. Yes, the staff needs much better blankets. I finally warmed, relaxed, and almost drifted to sleep when my heart shot into my stomach. We forgot Meredith’s gift. I flew to my feet and ran to Henry’s door. I raised my fist to knock.

The door flung open.

“Meredith’s gift,” we said together, then both laughed.

Holding my hand, he led me down a back corridor to the garage. He opened the door and flipped on the light.

In the middle of the open space waited a bassinet with a big blue bow.

Instantly, the blood drained from my head, and stars floated in my vision. Dizzy, I grabbed the wall and blinked several times to stay upright, then lowered myself to the step.

“Do you think this is it?” he asked, staring at the bassinet. “I mean, that’s an odd present for a guy.”

“I don’t think she’s told him yet.”

“Told him yet?” Henry glanced at me.

“That’s she’s pregnant.” I wiped at my wet cheeks. “Surprise, it’s the boy you always wanted, but never had. Surprise, you’re now a daddy for the first time. Surprise…” My voice trailed off, as I could no longer speak.

Henry knelt in front of me and drew my hands into his.

He alone got it.

His thumb lifted a tear about to fall from my cheek. “It’s only a week left, and he’ll remember you.”

“Yeah, but this kid will be a good kid. Not like me—evil and wretched enough to wish me away.”

“A parent’s love is unconditional. I have to believe that. Sure, he was angry enough to wish a horrible curse on you, but I think he did that out of love, not spite.”

I thought about that. “Maybe.”

Henry placed his hands at my waist and guided me to my feet.

I fell into his arms. His hug, warm and calming, comforted me like nothing else. I rested there for a while, not wanting to let go. Finally, I stepped back and nodded toward the crib. “We better carry it inside and get to bed.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m trying. Come on.”

He nodded, then reached for one side of the rail.

I lifted the other. Bulkier than heavy, it took a few tries to get it through the doorway and into the living room under the tree. I adjusted the tilted bow, which spurred a memory of adjusting Dad’s tie. Always crooked. I smiled, despite how I felt.

Henry slapped his hands together. “Well, that’s that.”

“Yes, that’s that. Night.” I kissed Henry’s cheek and walked back to my room.

Inside, I lay down and stared at the popcorn ceiling. A million thoughts plagued my mind. I tried to subdue them one by one, so I could fall asleep. Apparently, every day provided a decision to be happy or dwell on the negative. I spent the better time of my adolescence on the latter, but now, I was over it. For the first time, I desired to change, to be a pleasant human being, and to learn to love. I choose to find freedom. I started to believe that, in the end, it would all work out. I rolled over and drifted off in that knowledge.