FRIDAY MORNING BRIGHT and early saw Heather pulling up to Millie’s school for an assembly. It was the monthly Recognition Ceremony, and on Wednesday Millie had announced, with wonder in her voice, that she would be receiving that month’s Citizenship Award, and, “Oh, Mom, you have to come see me get it!”
“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” Heather had said, only to be hit with a wave of memory.
Wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, babe.
She hadn’t heard from Xander since Sunday night. Not that she could blame him. It took all her will to keep from texting him. She had to remind herself over and over that if something happened to him, she would hear of it through the North connection.
He was fine. She knew that. At least, her head knew it.
Her heart wasn’t so sure.
But it was probably better this way. They both needed time to stop hearing the echoes of everything that had been said. A few days, a couple of weeks to let the worst of the hurt and anger die down, and then maybe—hopefully—they could start building their new normal. With luck and determination, they might even be on friendly ground by the time the baby arrived.
Right. And maybe the baby would sleep through the night right from birth. It could happen, but the odds were seriously against it.
Probably about the same as the odds that you’d get pregnant after having your tubes tied.
She frowned and tried to shake Leah’s words from her head as she hurried down the artwork-lined halls to the school gymnasium. She had to stop swimming in memory and stay grounded in the moment. Here and now. Her and Millie.
And Hank, perched on a folding chair at the front of the gymnasium. Millie had mentioned that he would attend. She didn’t have a problem with him being there. After all, they were both Millie’s parents, but ever since the night of the chicken noodle soup, Heather had felt a little...well...self-conscious around him. Like he knew.
Paranoia? Maybe. Ridiculously so, actually, since at some point the truth would be evident to anyone with eyes.
But she wasn’t ready for a public declaration yet. And it wasn’t paranoia to think that he might pick up on something that the rest of the world would miss, since he had been part of her one and only previous pregnancy.
Not that he would care.
Oh God, she was definitely losing her marbles. Maybe she should just start wearing a Baby on Board shirt.
“Hi.” She deliberately took the seat beside Hank. Take that, stupid paranoid fears. “No Brynn today?”
“Noah’s got himself on a new schedule. He wakes up around four thirty or five and then conks back out at eight or nine.” A wry smile crossed Hank’s face. “We didn’t think he could add much today besides a distraction.”
“Here’s hoping this phase is short-lived.”
“It could be worse. He’s sleeping right through until then, so we’re getting a good long chunk of sleep. And Brynn’s a morning person anyway.”
Teachers began leading their classes into the gym at that point, making further conversation almost impossible. But Heather couldn’t keep from wondering about shifting schedules...and naptimes...and distractions...and meeting the needs of two children when there was only one parent in residence...
I’m trying to ask you to marry me.
“Heather? Are you okay?”
She could just hear his question below the din of voices. “Fine.”
“Are you sure? You were kind of white for a second there.”
“I’m—Oh, here comes Millie.”
Thank God for small miracles.
Millie waved as she took her place on the other side of the microphone. The school principal strode in, shook hands all around, and the ceremony began.
Half an hour later, Millie had been suitably honored and photographed. She scooted over to Heather and Hank, her cheeks flushed and the plaque proclaiming her Citizen of the Month clasped tight in her arms.
Hank tugged on her braid. “Great job, Mills. Mommy and I are very proud of you.”
“Are we allowed to give you a hug?” Heather asked, shooting a glance toward Millie’s class, seated near the front while they waited their turn to exit.
“Um...sure. But just a quick one, ’kay?”
Heather bit back a laugh as she gave Millie a fast kiss on the forehead. Hank settled for an arm around Millie’s shoulders and a kiss on the top of her head.
“Have a great day, Model Citizen. See you after school.”
Millie blushed, nodded and joined her classmates. Heather swung her purse over her shoulder and turned to Hank.
“I suppose we should be grateful we’re even allowed that much in front of her friends,” she said.
“Yeah.” He nodded. “Pretty soon we probably won’t even be allowed in the same room.”
He fell into step beside her as they found the exit, but said nothing as they made their way out of the building.
Heather almost got to the parking lot before she had to ask. “Hank...has Millie said anything to you about what happened on Sunday?”
“You mean with Xander?”
She stared down at her feet. “Right. I tried to talk to her about it on Wednesday, but she was so excited about the award that—anyway. I just wanted to, you know. Be sure.”
They had reached the visitor parking spaces where her little car was dwarfed by Hank’s truck. “She was fine.” Hank leaned against the truck, Mr. Casual.
She didn’t buy it for a minute.
“Xander came over that night,” he said. “To let Millie know he wasn’t in jail or anything.”
“Oh.” She hadn’t expected that. It must have happened right after he left her place. “That was, um, decent of him.”
“Yeah, well, he’s a decent guy.”
Wait a minute. Was Hank defending Xander?
“I thought you weren’t a fan. Of Xander, I mean.”
“I had some—I guess you’d say concerns. Questions. But I talked to him and he...anyway. We’re good.”
There had to be more than Hank was telling her. He wasn’t one to change his mind on a whim.
“I’m glad to hear that.” It was the best she could manage.
“He took a wrong turn. A seriously wrong one, no doubt about it. But he’s back on the right path now.” Hank shrugged. “And seriously, who hasn’t done something even when they knew it was a mistake that could mess up the rest of their life?”
She was pretty sure that Hank wasn’t talking about Xander anymore.
“Right. Well.” She had to say something else before she made her escape. Otherwise, Hank’s words were going to haunt her all day. “Did Millie tell you that her Guide troop is going winter camping in February?”
“Seriously?”
“Yep.”
“I think that’s happening on your weekend.”
“Cute.” She hitched her purse higher on her shoulder. “Well, I should be—”
“Hang on, Heather. I was wondering...”
No. No wondering allowed.
“You said Millie didn’t fall apart until after you left Xander’s place,” Hank continued. “So how did he know that she had a hard time?”
“He and I talked. You know. He wanted to let me know he was home free, and to thank me for...for being there with Cady, and calling Darcy. And all that.”
“Ah. That makes sense.”
One bullet, dodged.
“’Cause you know,” Hank continued, “it was decent of him to go all the way out to my place just to check on Millie.”
“You live ten minutes apart. Fifteen, at most.”
“I know. But he could have called.”
“Does he have your number?”
He shrugged. “Ian does. And Darcy, she’s on the phone with Brynn night and day.”
Heather could either keep playing this game—one that would be exposed as a lie in a few months anyway—or she could get it out of the way right now.
She gave the parking lot a quick check. No busybodies in sight. It was just her, Hank, a couple of squawking gulls and a bunch of cars. Since she highly doubted that anyone at Glenn Brewster Memorial School had equipped their vehicle with surveillance equipment, this was probably as safe a place as any.
“Look, Hank. I remember what it was like when you first started talking about Brynn, so I’m going to be up front with you.”
He didn’t move, but he definitely went on alert.
“I wasn’t lying when I said that Xander was helping me with the job application. He was. I mean, he did. But for a while there, there was... We were... Anyway. It’s over.”
Something flickered in his eyes. Like she had merely confirmed what he already knew.
“But the thing is, I’m pregnant.”
His shoulders twitched. Like he’d started to say something, but managed to yank it back just in time.
“Well,” he said at last.
“I would prefer that you not tell anybody about this yet. Not even Brynn. It will all come out soon, I know, but I want Millie to hear it from me. I’m only telling you now so you can be ready.”
“Are you, uh...” He seemed to have lost his voice. From the way his eyes darted back and forth, she would guess he was still searching for it. “You planning to tell her soon?”
“Probably in the next couple of weeks. After Halloween, maybe.”
“When are you—”
“May. Probably around the middle.”
He nodded absently. “And Xander?”
What was he asking? “He knows. He’s excited about the baby.”
“But the two of you aren’t together.” Something must have shown in her face, because he raised a hand. “Not trying to be nosy, okay? But our daughter is going to have questions.” He grimaced. “A lot of them, knowing her.”
He had a point. “I haven’t figured out what to say to her yet. How much detail did you guys go into?”
“There’s a part from the mom and a part from the dad and when those parts get together, it makes a baby. We had books in case she wanted to know more, but so far I don’t think she’s opened them.”
“That doesn’t sound like Millie.”
“Well, she was really curious about the baby, and how he was growing and all that.”
“So why do you think this will be any different?”
“Maybe because she’s a year older. Maybe because they’ve covered a lot of the basics in school.” He hesitated. “Maybe because there’s no daddy in the house this time around.”
This could get complicated. Especially as there was no way she was going to discuss sex drives and tubal ligation failure rates with her preteen daughter.
Parenting Truth Number 34: When you have no answer, it’s best to admit the truth and move on.
“I hadn’t considered that part yet. Thanks for mentioning it. Anyway, I need to get to work, so—”
“Hang on. I have a couple more questions...” Hank turned the slightest bit pink. “Look, I don’t care what you do, or who you do it with, but I’m trying to ask if there were sleepovers while Millie was in the house.”
Seriously?
“Did I ask you about that before you and Brynn got married?”
“Uh...no. No, I guess you didn’t.”
“Right. Because I trusted you to set a good—whatever. Moral tone in front of Millie.” Plus, okay, she had asked Mills a few leading questions. Everything always sounded well within the bounds of Acceptable Around the Kid, so she had stayed quiet.
“Ah. Thanks.” Hank was definitely pink around the ears, and there was no way he could blame the sun for it. “But if you asked, I would have told you that we kept everything totally Victorian while Millie was around.”
Which probably explained why he’d been so agreeable about visitation weekends back then.
“But,” he added, “Mills is older now, and they’re learning practically everything by grade four or five these days. So she’ll probably notice more.” Again with the pink. “And wonder more.”
All right. Those were valid points. “Fine. I think you could definitely say that we were always Victorian in front of Millie. She probably has no idea that there was anything other than a business relationship.” Of course, that was going to make it more of a challenge to discuss the baby’s paternity, but she had time to figure out that part.
“Okay.”
Would she ever be able to keep things at this level—practical, mostly mutually respectful, focused on their child—with Xander?
Her rational brain told her that if she could manage this with Hank, she could learn how to manage it with Xander.
Her heart told her it wasn’t going to be that easy. Because even though she and Xander didn’t have the level of history that she and Hank did, there was another factor at play this time. She loved Xander.
She had convinced herself she loved Hank, back then, and maybe if she hadn’t been so messed up, they might have got to that point. But with Xander...
She didn’t think there was a schedule or a plan out there that would help her find her way through this one.
Her sudden heartsickness must have been obvious, because there was genuine concern in Hank’s voice when he said, “Hey, are you okay?”
“What? Oh. I’m fine. Tired. Sorry.”
“You’re sure?”
“Positive.” If not now, then in the future.
Someday.
Eventually.
“Anything else?” she asked.
“I guess not.”
“Okay then. I’ll see you tonight when I pick up Millie.” She turned away from him and began making the long walk around the truck toward the safety of her car.
She didn’t even get to the tailgate before his voice stopped her.
“Heather...”
This wasn’t going to be good. She could tell by the unusual uncertainty in his voice. She turned slowly in his direction. “Yes?”
“Look. I know that the other night, it probably sounded like... I don’t know. Like I wouldn’t approve of Xander being around. Because Brynn and Darcy had it in their heads that you two... And yeah, I was worried.”
“But?”
“But, I was wrong. To act that way, I mean. And I hope... I’m probably giving myself way too much credit here, but I hope that...that...isn’t any of the reason why you and he aren’t, you know. Together.”
“Why on Earth would you think that?”
“Because, you know, we’re trying out this shared custody. And I don’t want you to think that I would have a problem with him being in the picture.”
Why did men insist on having these major discussions in parking lots?
“Thanks. But you don’t need to worry. Believe it or not, your reaction wasn’t a factor in this.” She tried to smile. She was pretty sure it was an epic failure. “And for the record, you’re not the only one who thought about how...how Xander’s past could impact Millie. That kind of hit home on Sunday.”
“You mean with the police?”
“It was pretty awful. That’s why—well. It’s a moot point now, right?”
“Right. I understand why the cops did what they did, but I doubt they’ll make that same mistake again.”
“Oh. I see. That’s not what I meant, but, absolutely.”
He frowned. “What did you mean?”
“Well, just that, since Xander and I aren’t together, she won’t have to spend a lot of time with him. Less chance to build up a real relationship. So if something should go wrong again, it won’t be as devastating.”
“Hang on. But what about—I mean, Heather, not that I can tell you how to run your life, but are you saying you don’t want Millie to spend time with Xander?” He seemed baffled. “Even though it was totally a mistake?”
“This time. This time it was a mistake.”
“You think he’s going to end up back in jail?”
It felt too awful to agree. Like she would be condemning him to failure. She managed a nod.
“Why? Has he been doing anything?”
“What? Oh, God no. I haven’t seen or heard or...no. Nothing.”
“Then why do you think he’s going to mess up again?”
“I don’t want him to. I hope he doesn’t. But after everything with Travis, I can’t help but think that’s it’s almost...that the odds are against him.” She swallowed down her fear. “He’s a good father, and I can’t—won’t—keep him from this baby. But I can make sure Millie, at least, doesn’t have to go through that again.”
“You have got to be kidding me.”
She lifted her gaze from the pavement, shocked by the vehemence in his voice. She hadn’t heard such barely restrained anger from Hank in a long time.
“Hey. You said yourself that you had concerns.”
“And I was wrong, okay? Jesus, Heather. Would you seriously try to keep Millie from—”
“Yes!” It came out too loud, too anguished, but she couldn’t help herself. “Yes, I’m going to make sure she never goes through that again. She was beyond heartbroken. I’ve never heard her like that, ever, and I—”
“Hang on. You think I don’t know what it’s like to see Millie being ripped apart? You’re wrong. I saw it more times than you’ll ever know. The only reason you never saw it before is because you’re the reason she was falling apart in the first place.”
Nausea flooded through Heather, swift and cruel and totally unrelated to the pregnancy.
“You think Millie was hurt by what happened with Xander? Get real. Nothing—nothing will ever hurt her the way you did. I know there were reasons, we’ve all come a long way, yada yada. I’m not gonna rehash the past. But there’s no changing the fact that what happened—what you did—broke her.” He stepped closer, his voice dropping. “You think it would be hard to let her have a good relationship with Xander? Try flying across the country to leave her for a week with the person who ripped her heart out. Try finding a way to build some sort of civil relationship with the person you could have cheerfully strangled because it was the best thing for your kid.” His eyes narrowed. “Try agreeing to share equal custody with that person, even though a part of you is always going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
Each word was like a shard of broken glass poking into her. Each accusation made her shrink and wither and want to sell her soul to turn back the clock and make things right.
“You know who’s really taking the risk here? Not you. Not Millie. Not even me. It’s Xander.”
What?
“You just have to wonder if he’ll screw up again, which I would lay good money will not happen. But him? He’s having a baby with someone who walked out on her last kid. How do you think that feels?”
She couldn’t answer.
“I can tell you this, Heather. You’ve come a long way. I’m glad—I really am—that we’re able to work together for Millie. I’m glad you got your shit together, okay?” He shook his head. “But if someone were to ask me to bet everything I own on either you or Xander staying the course, and I could only pick one, then it would be a no-brainer. I’d bet it all on him.”