AS SOON AS the words were out of his mouth, Xander knew he’d been right to say them.
Not that he’d had any doubt about proposing. He’d figured that out over the weekend. It was the how, the where, the when that had him perplexed. He should have known that the right moment would appear.
Of course, from the way Heather had gone whiter than he’d seen her at any point thus far, maybe he was congratulating himself too soon.
“Hey.” He grabbed her elbows. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know.” Not a good sign.
She stared at the flowers before dragging her gaze back to meet his. “Could you unlock the door, please?” she asked in a whisper.
“Sure. Sorry.”
In a moment they were both seated in the car, him staring out the windshield, her rubbing the florist paper between her fingers.
She spoke first.
“I’m sorry. I...you caught me by surprise.”
Obviously.
“It’s not your fault. I should have known you’d had enough thrown at you in one day.”
From the corner of his eye, he saw her slump down into her seat. “It’s not that. Xander, I... I don’t want to hurt you, but... I mean, whatever made you think—”
Thinking hadn’t been part of it. Feelings, wishes, pictures in his head from the times when they had all been together, him and her and their girls...those had been the driving factor. “We’re having a baby. I guess I’m more old-fashioned than I realized.”
“But we barely... I mean, I don’t even know your middle name. Or your mother’s name, or where you grew up, or...”
“Phillip. Rosie, short for Rosemary. Kamloops, until I was ten. Then we moved to Moose Jaw for a while, then Kitchener.”
“Thank you. I didn’t really need any of those answers.”
He shrugged, hoping that if he acted like he was okay with this, he would start to believe it. “That’s all I’ve got.”
“I know that you missed out on a lot with Cady. I know you’re acting from good intentions, and that you’re trying to be helpful and supportive, and believe me, I appreciate it. But Xander, I got married for a baby once already, and I can tell you, it was the second stupidest thing I ever did in my life.”
“Is this the worst?” He had to know. “Getting pregnant again?”
“No. Leaving Millie was the worst one.” She sighed and rubbed her stomach. “This is way down there at number three. Maybe even lower.”
“That doesn’t sound too bad.”
“This is manageable. Scary as all get out right now, I won’t deny it, but... Look. You should know that that the reason I left Millie was because I thought... I was really messed up back then, and I made a horrible mistake, and I thought I had let her drown.”
He swiveled in his seat to face her for the first time since they entered the car, certain he’d heard wrong.
She must have known what he was thinking, because some of the disbelief in her eyes had been replaced by compassion. “Sorry. I know it’s a shocker, but given everything, you kind of deserve to know.”
Swiftly, almost tonelessly, she told him a tale he could barely believe. Pieces that had puzzled him fell into place as she spoke. How she could leave Millie, despite her obvious love for the child... The reason she stayed away so long... Her need to cross every t and dot every i when she was preparing to ask for joint custody.
She didn’t try to justify her actions. She explained and laid down the facts, but there were no appeals to his emotions, no blaming anyone other than herself. She gave him the facts and nothing more, letting him draw his own conclusions.
Did he dare tell her that those conclusions only made him respect her more?
Did he dare remind her that he knew all about rebuilding a life that had hit rock bottom?
No, he decided. Not yet. Not until he’d had time to let her words seep in for a while.
Her words—and the fact that when she told him about finding Millie at the water’s edge, her hand settled low on her abdomen.
“And that’s about it,” she said at last. “I won’t pretend that I’m not nervous, but I’m not that same person. Between the counseling and the parenting classes, I know I’m a lot closer to being the kind of mother I want to be. For Millie, and, now, I guess—maybe—this little one, too.” She bowed her head and touched the center of one of the sunflowers. “Marriage, though...that’s a whole different game.”
“And I’m a whole different person. Than Hank, I mean,” he added at her confused expression.
“I know you are. But that’s not the issue.” She pushed herself upright in the seat. “Xander, no matter how wonderful the people involved—and you really are an awesome father and a great all-round guy—getting married just because of a baby doesn’t work. Marriage is hard enough when both people are in love and would have wanted to be together anyway.”
“Even when they make each other laugh? Even when the sex is off the charts? Even when they both understand that people can make mistakes but then they can do better? That even people who have messed up still deserve happiness?”
“Do you love me?”
His hands tightened on the wheel.
She paced a comforting hand on his arm. “It’s okay. I like you, Xander. A lot. But I don’t love you, either.”
He couldn’t say anything. He was still trying to figure out the answer to her question.
It should have been easy. No, I don’t love you, but I think we’re good together, and I would bet that eventually...
But something had stopped him. Some sense that he would have been—not lying, really, but not telling the whole truth. And if ever a question had deserved total honesty, this was it.
Except maybe—just maybe—he might have slipped past not yet to yes.
But even as that possibility flickered inside him like a lone candle flame, he held back. He couldn’t say it now. Not until he could speak with certainty.
“I know you want a real family,” she said softly. “I know you would like to be an all-the-time-together dad. I’m sorry I can’t make that happen for you. But Xander, I can’t do that to us.”
“It doesn’t have to be—”
She raised both hands and shook her head. “Listen to me. Hank is a great guy, right? Honest, hardworking, loves his kids, always tries to do the right thing.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, he is absolutely all that, but when we were together—and even more so after I left—he was...not that. Not that he was mean or abusive or vindictive. But even though we were good together when we were dating, being married made it so... I don’t know. So real. So not good. And we were trying to make it work.”
“You were also ten years younger.”
“True. And we had a lot of other pressures that don’t figure in now, but still. The fact that we can even speak today, let alone work together to do right by Millie...well, that’s proof that miracles still happen.”
“What about our miracle?” His fingers skimmed over her stomach, light and tentative. “Who’s to say we can’t beat the odds a second time?”
“I don’t know if I’m ready to think of this as a miracle. Not yet, anyway.” She looked at him with the saddest eyes he thought he’d ever seen and added, soft and low, “And I know I’m not willing to take that chance again.”
But I am.
He clamped his lips tight to keep the words from slipping out. He wasn’t going to beg. And he absolutely refused to put more pressure on her.
Space. They needed space, both of them.
“Okay then.”
“Xander—”
“Do you feel okay to drive? Should I take you back to your car, or drop you someplace?”
“My car. Please.”
He started the engine, shifted into gear, then put it back in park and turned to her.
“Listen,” he said, daring to push a stray wisp of hair back from her face. “I’m sorry I dumped that on you right now. But I want you to know... I understand what you’re saying, but I think we could make it work. And I’d like you to think about it, okay?”
She opened her mouth. He placed a gentle finger across her lips.
“One more thing. You’re right that this is mostly because of the baby. At least, the timing is. But you’re a big part of it, too.” He let his finger slide down to her chin. “I know it’s taking a huge chance. But I think you’re worth it.”
Some of the color returned to her cheeks.
“Thank you.”
“The best thanks I could get would be if you promised to think about it. I mean, I’m not trying to make light of everything you said. You have some points. Even a couple of good ones.”
The hint of a grin tugged at her lips—fleeting, wavering, but real nonetheless.
“The other thing,” he said, “is that you’ve had a hell of a wild few days. Saying anything to you now...that wasn’t fair. I’m sorry. And I don’t want you to make any decision when you’re still reeling, especially when half the reel is because I had a moment of clueless idiocy.”
Was that a laugh? Hard to tell when it faded so quickly.
“I don’t think my answer will change.”
“Understood.”
“Okay,” she said. “I’ll think about it.”
It wasn’t what he had hoped for. But he could definitely live with it.
* * *
ALONE IN HER CAR, Heather watched Xander drive away, taking with him the little bit of hope and optimism that he had sparked while they were talking.
Which probably meant that they weren’t real, anyway. Probably just further proof that being with him scrambled her brain and made her unable to trust her own decisions—the very reason she had called a halt in the first place. Funny, how she had completely forgotten to mention that.
Though given that they were going to have to have some kind of relationship from now on, even if it was just as co-parents, maybe she needed to pay more attention.
She really should have made herself find a new counselor when she moved to Ottawa. If ever a girl needed a trusted ear, this was the time.
Although—
She sat up straighter and reached for her phone. There was no law that said the trusted ear had to be professional.
Half an hour later, she and Leah were walking down a shaded path by the side of the Rideau Canal, undisturbed except for the occasional bike rider or, every once in a while, a leaf falling to the ground in a silent reminder of the changing seasons. Other than the moment when Leah had shrieked, “No frickin’ way!” at Heather’s news, it was a remarkably peaceful outing.
“So that’s it,” she said. “I got knocked up against all odds, I had to spend the weekend learning about volcanoes while wondering if I was going to explode at any moment, and I had to break a good man’s heart by telling him I couldn’t marry him.”
“Got it. So other than the fact that you didn’t plan any of this and you’re understandably still playing catch-up, what’s the problem?”
“Um, Leah? Are you sure you were listening?”
“Of course I was. You think I would stop paying attention just because you left Duffy Young and abandoned me to deal with the suits by myself? Not that I’m bitter.”
It was impossible to keep from grinning over that one.
“See, from where I’m standing, I see complications, but nothing you can’t handle.” Leah frowned. “Though now that I think about it, maybe that’s the problem.”
“My brain is flying in too many directions to follow that logic. Assuming there is any.”
“Of course there’s logic. Now just listen, and don’t interrupt. I’ve known you, what, five years now? Six? I know that you are one smart, determined cookie. When you make up your mind to do something, you give it your all. It kills you when you don’t do what you set out to do.”
“I don’t know if I’d go that—”
“No interruptions.”
Oops.
“There’s nothing wrong with that, Heather. You’ve never told me exactly why you ended up so far from home, but I’ve pieced some of it together from things you let slip. I have a feeling that things weren’t always so rosy for you and Millie. But I’m pretty sure that you turned your life inside out to make it better.”
Heather didn’t dare do more than nod.
“Okay. So yay for hard work and determination. It’s what got you to this point. But like anything else in life, it can go too far.”
Oh hell. Was it too late to backpedal?
“Do you know that when you were telling me everything, the only time you sounded like you might be ready to cry was when you talked about turning down his proposal?”
Even as she questioned the statement, Heather knew Leah was right.
“I guess that makes sense. I mean, even though another baby was most definitely not in the plan, and I’m kind of thoroughly pissed off that medical science failed me... I know it worked out okay last time. I can look at Millie and see what we have now, and I know that everything is...okay. Not the way I would have wanted. But she’s still my girl, and despite everything she doesn’t hate me, and every time I look at her I get reminded that miracles can happen.”
What about our miracle?
“So you have walking, talking, sassing proof that getting preggers without a plan can still turn out okay,” Leah said.
“Millie doesn’t sass.”
“Give her a year or two.” Leah stepped sideways to dodge a stick in the path. “So you managed to save things with your daughter. I take it you couldn’t work the same magic with the marriage?”
“No.” Not that she had tried. At least, not the way she had thrown herself into becoming the kind of mother she wanted to be.
“You think that might be part of the reason you’re holding back? Because you couldn’t save one marriage and so you think history is guaranteed to repeat itself?”
“Has anyone ever told you that you have an amazing imagination?”
“It’s a curse. But am I right?”
Was she?
“I...don’t know. I guess in some ways, it makes sense.” Heather kicked at a bit of paper littering the path. “But even so, I mean, does it matter? Leah, I don’t love him. He doesn’t love me.”
“So?”
“Excuse me?”
“Sweetie, all through the ages, people have had lots of reasons for getting married. They did it because it was the practical choice, or to carry on a title, or because their parents said they had to marry this person or else. God, I wish those days would come back.” She sighed. “Love wasn’t a requirement. It was something that might or might not happen, but either way, you sucked it up and did your best.”
“Are you seriously telling me I should marry Xander?”
“No. I’m telling you that you might not want to dismiss the idea of marriage so fast.”
“Because my fairy godmother is going to swoop down and wave her wand and make love magically appear?”
“Don’t be silly.”
Of course not.
“However, I’m just saying it’s a lot easier to tell yourself you don’t love someone than it is to admit you’re afraid of failing again.”
“I’m...”
How was she supposed to protest when Leah’s words had something inside her nodding and going, You might want to pay attention here.
“No wonder your kids shake when you give them orders.”
“Nothing was ever gained by mincing words, sweetie.” Leah stopped walking and turned to Heather, one warm hand settling on her shoulder. “Let me tell you something I’ve learned the hard way over the years. You always regret the chance you didn’t take.”
“I’m not going to marry someone just so, in twenty years, I can say, well, at least I tried.”
“And what if, in twenty years, you’re saying that it was the scariest thing you ever did but it worked out?”
“The odds against that happening are—”
“Probably,” Leah said, “about the same as the odds that you’d get pregnant after having your tubes tied.”
* * *
XANDER WENT TO WORK more out of habit than anything else. By the end of the day, he felt like he should refund the Norths his salary for the day. Worst of all, it wasn’t one of his Cady days, which meant that when it came time to leave, he was faced with an evening in an empty house.
He sat in his car in the parking lot, drumming his fingers on the wheel. He knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to drive to Heather’s place and make dinner for her, a real dinner with candles and flowers and music. He wanted to cook something delicious for her and apologize for being an impatient, insensitive ass. He would rub her feet and listen to anything she needed to say, and not try anything more than a kiss.
And then, being the total idiot he could be, he would probably ask her again.
Someday he would learn how to stop himself before he pushed too far. He hoped it would happen before Cady got old enough to realize what a fool her father could be.
But in the meantime, there was an overwhelmed, confused, probably scared woman on the other side of town. A woman he desperately wanted to help, but who had asked for nothing more than time and space.
He might not be able to do much else for her, but by God, he could give her that.
He started the car and left the parking lot. Maybe he would swing by Darcy’s place, see Cady for a minute, grab Lulu and go for a walk. Yeah. That sounded a lot more sanity-saving than going home and making himself nuts. Or, worse, calling Heather.
But as he pulled into Darcy’s driveway, it hit him that he might have an even better alternative. Assuming he had the nerve.
He slammed the door and shook his head. Nerve, he had in abundance. Wisdom was what he needed. Wisdom guided by experience.
So when Darcy opened the door with a surprised smile, obviously ready to call to Cady, he raised a hand to stop her.
“Hang on,” he said. “I know I’m being super-rude and I should have called, but could I talk to you for a few minutes? Without Ian?”
“About—”
“It’s nothing about Cady. I need advice. And you are the only person on this planet who can help me.”
Her eyes widened, but God bless her, she simply said, “Give me a minute,” and closed the door. He shoved his hands in his pockets—already the evenings had a nip—and waited. He still wasn’t sure what he could say, but some of the jitteriness he’d been feeling was easing, so he figured he was on the right track.
True to her word, in less than two minutes Darcy emerged, wrapped in Ian’s old, oversize Leafs jacket. Xander took in the ensemble with a raised eyebrow.
She shrugged. “It was the closest thing I could find, okay?”
He actually thought it was kind of cute, but he wasn’t about to mention that. There was no way to say it without it sounding wrong.
“Let’s sit in the car. I didn’t bring a coat, and unlike you, I don’t have a husband to mooch off.”
“Sucks to be you.”
Once they were settled, he steeled himself and said, “I know you don’t have a lot of time, and to be honest, there’s not a lot I can tell you. So I’m going to cut right to the chase. You’re going to have questions, I know, but I won’t be able to answer them. All I need to know is—”
“Wait.” She shifted to face him, her usual smile replaced by the pursed lips of worry. “Xander, you’re not...you’re not in trouble again, are you?”
It took him a second.
Understanding was accompanied by a rush of—he wasn’t sure. Sorrow? Anger? Disappointment. Yeah. And hurt, that Darcy of all people would think that.
“No.”
It came out clipped, almost harsh.
She pulled back. “I’m sorry,” she said. “But with Cady...”
Yeah. He got that. But it still hurt.
Shake it off, Xander. No regrets, remember?
He started over. “I need to know what you would have wanted from me—how I could have helped—if I had been around when you found out you were pregnant.”
Her hands flew up to cover her mouth. Above them, her eyes were wide and wondering.
“I know what you’re going to ask,” he said, “and no, I can’t tell you who she is.”
She scrunched up her nose like she had suspicions.
“Not that it would matter, because it’s nobody you know.” A bald-faced lie, but if and when the truth came out, he was pretty sure she would understand.
“Sure. Right. Got it.”
He hadn’t fooled her one bit.
“Will you at least confirm that you are the father?”
“Would I be asking if I wasn’t?”
She stared at him for a moment. Probably trying to read his mind. He tried to make it go blank, but had a sudden flash of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters and decided he’d take his chances.
“Okay.” Her hands fluttered through the air. “I...wow. This is a toughie. Are you...is this, um, a relationship? Like, a romantic one?”
How was he supposed to answer that? “That’s still under negotiation.”
“Oh.”
Yeah. Oh.
“I take it this wasn’t planned.”
He shook his head.
“Is she happy about it?”
He stared at the garage door. There was a nick in the bottom right corner. “Right now, she’s in shock. But I hope she will be.”
“Does she have other kids?”
“Sorry. No identifying info allowed.”
“Even though I have no idea who she is.”
He glared. She sighed.
“Okay, maybe I was fishing a little, but it’s a legitimate question. If she already has kids, this might not be as big a shock for her.”
“Trust me. I don’t think this could possibly have come as more of a surprise.”
“Hmm.” She pulled the edges of the jacket closer. “But you want to know what she needs from you at this point.”
“That’s about it.”
“Well...she needs to know she’s not alone. That even if you two aren’t in a relationship, you’re still going to be there for whatever she needs from you. That’s the biggie.”
“I’ve been working on that part.”
“Good. Does she know about Cady?”
“Yes.”
“Has she met Cady?”
He glared again. She pinked up.
“Fine. Let me think...well, she might not be ready to talk money and custody and all that yet, but you can definitely start thinking about those things, give her some suggestions. Let her know that you plan to be a full partner in supporting and raising the child.”
That was a good point. None of that had come up yet, but it would. Getting ready would prove to Heather that he was taking this seriously.
“But let her set the pace. You can maybe let her know that you’re ready to talk whenever she is, but don’t push it.”
He could do that.
“And she might...she needs to know that you care about her, too. That it’s not just about the baby. I mean, let’s face it, Xander.” Darcy leaned back in her seat. “Practically speaking, this isn’t going to take over your life the way it will hers. Physically, emotionally, her lifestyle...everything is going to change, especially if this is her first.”
“So how do I help her through that? What would you have wanted?”
“A crystal ball would have been nice.” She laughed ruefully. “Other than that, do things to let her know you understand and appreciate what she’s going through. Pamper her. Give her little things like fancy soaps and foods she can eat, especially if she has a lot of nausea. Oh, and gift certificates for pregnancy massages.”
“That’s a thing?”
“Oh yeah. I had one when I was about seven months along with Cady. It was the best hour of the whole nine months.”
It must have been, judging from the faraway softness on her face.
“Really, Xander, as long as you make sure she knows she can count on you and rely on you, that’s going to be what she needs most.”
“Okay.” He patted her hand “Thanks, Darce. This was good.”
“Not a problem. And if you have any other questions or anything, you know where to find me.”
“Appreciate it.”
“I don’t suppose I can tell Ian what we were discussing.”
Ah, damn. “I don’t want to make you lie to him,” he said after a moment. “But if you could—I don’t know. Stall him? Maybe tell him it’s something I’ll tell him myself, but I can’t yet. Because there’s other people involved.”
“You know Ian. He’ll assume that means you’re leaving Northstar.”
Yeah, he would. “You can definitely tell him it’s not a work thing. And not a health thing, or my folks.” He met her gaze. “And that I’m not in trouble again.”
“Xander, I’m sorry for assuming that’s what it was.”
“It’s okay. I can’t blame you. But I have to admit, coming from you, it was a...a surprise.”
“One that I’m not proud of. But since we’re into the confessions, I have one for you.” She hesitated. “Hearing you ask about this, about what to do and how to help... That was good. Because I always wondered what it would have been like if you had been around right from the start. Now I know.”
Not really, he thought. She was judging by his response now, when he was back to himself. He couldn’t guarantee that he would have been so concerned in his shithead days.
But he wasn’t going to take that bit of comfort away from Darce. Not after everything she’d given him.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” he said. “I would have liked to help.”
“I know. But knowing you the way I do now, I’m glad in a way that you weren’t.”
He wasn’t sure his eyebrows had ever soared so high.
“Because,” she hurried on, “if you had been there, I would have relied on you, instead of Ian. And then he and I might not have ended up together. And much as I think you’re a great guy and all, Xander, I definitely ended up with the right man for me.”
She was right. If he had been around, and if he had snapped back to his senses faster, he would have wanted to be part of things from the start. He might even have tried to build something with Darcy. Knowing her the way he did, he could see that that would have been an epic fail in every respect. It could have led to hard feelings and resentment, driving them farther apart and making it infinitely harder to do a successful job of sharing Cady.
No wonder Heather was so reluctant to give marriage a shot.
Except...
“If we’re done...” Darcy said, and he pulled himself back from his reverie.
“Yeah. I’m good. Thanks, Darce.”
“Anytime.” She paused, her hand on the door. “At some point, we’ll have to talk about how Cady plays into all of this. You know. If you need to change up your times with her, anything like that.”
“Right.” He spoke absentmindedly.
“But for now, in case I forgot to say it in all the shock, congratulations.” Her smile was full and sincere. “That’s going to be one lucky baby to have landed with you.”
“Thanks, Darce.”
“See you tomorrow.” She scooted out of the car and back into the house. Xander had a glimpse of Ian when he opened the door to her, Cady in one arm, reaching with the other to touch Darcy’s face before the door closed again. Before Xander could point out the one piece Darcy had missed.
She had given him some great ideas and made some excellent points, but she had never mentioned love. Never asked about it. Never pointed out that it would have been missing between them, had they tried to make a go of it.
But he hadn’t forgotten.
And he was pretty sure that what he felt for Heather might be a lot like those bulbs he had picked up the other day, filled with the promise of something beautiful.
That had to count for something.