part0007

My first memory of writing something and wanting to write something more was playing on a manual type writer at my grandparents’ house. The keys were large and brown and it made a clattering sounds with each key stroke. It was exciting and difficult. That sums up how I feel about writing today – it is exciting and difficult. I think I like the creative process more than the mechanics of writing it down.

The difficulty of writing and the environment that I lived in wasn’t conducive to me becoming a writing prodigy, which I was not, nor am I today. However, I used my vivid imagination and filled my boyhood days with thinking about stories that revolved around UFO’s and Bigfoot. I was always intrigued by the unusual and paranormal. It is then not surprising that my first book was about Bigfoot.

What to write about? I think I have many years of productive experience conducting market research into pop culture by watching TV. Thinking and watching TV is hard work, but I’ve got really good at it. As already mentioned I was fascinated by the paranormal. During my college days I gained an appreciation for books. Not just text books, but books you read for pleasure. As I read these books I would often think and daydream about alternate plots or new concepts that would make a good story. It was mental exercise and I flexed those muscles with veracity as I went through college trying to find out want I wanted to be when I grew up.

My initial plan was to be a High School English teacher. Things really changed when I decided that I didn’t want to be a High School English teacher. Here is what happened. I was on the edge of going into my senior year of college and to move forward I had to set up my student teaching and then start taking classes in the Education Department. It looked like it would add one more year to my college life. I was newly married and we were trying to start a family and the reality of being in school one more year was troubling. But frankly, the real trouble was that I didn’t have any registerable level of enthusiasm about student teaching. Starting a career in teaching and not wanting to teach is probably not a good sign. So I needed to find something else to do.

During this crisis of career choices I had taken a class in technical writing. I didn’t do very well, but I liked it. I went to my advisor and tried to plot out what would happen if I changed my major form Secondary English Education to Technical Writing. The outcome was graduation at the end of the next semester.

I jumped at that and became a technical writer. I sucked. But I tried. My first job was working for the Air Force. I worked for an organization called Combat Camera. Sounds cool. I helped Instructional Designers write training scripts for video and computer based training. I also stared in an instructional video. I played the role of the dutiful Captain trying to get things done in his office. I had one line. I think went like this: “Okay that sounds like a good plan, lets’ do it.” I nailed it on every take! Those were the salad days. I met a few people that become pivotal in my career choices and also in my failed writing career. Thank you!

That job lasted a few months and I got laid off. I then decided that I wanted get a Master’s Degree in Instruction Design. So I went back to school and worked on and off until I graduated. Having a few month of success in the world of a real jobs (overlooking the fact that I got laid off), I started to think that maybe I had the skills and the drive to write a book.

My mind had been crowded with many ideas over the years and I knew that my first book should be really good. So I looked at what I knew the most about: Bigfoot and Mormon Doctrine. Odd combination, but where there is a will there is a way. So I started to plan out a book about Bigfoot. It was called Clan of Cain: The Genesis of Bigfoot.

What I wanted to do was use Mormon mythology as a plot structure. This was going to be my trademark. And I guess it is my trademark for the fictional books I have written. Best kept secret.

Anyway, during this process of writing Clan of Cain I discovered many things that I wasn’t good at. Writing is hard. But in the middle, between the large stones of effort I discovered some joy and satisfaction. That was the mortar that kept the stones of effort together -to complete my metaphor.

Being able to use creative thought without boundaries was appealing and rewarding. I would suppose that this is what others feel like in many venues in life: making a touchdown, architecting a building, solving a tough problem, succeeding in business etc. If that is your passion and you are good at it, then the reward I felt inwardly was more than could be measured on the outside.

So for me, writing felt good. But my goal, or what I had decided was the criteria for success was not just writing a book, but having that book be a best seller and changing my life. And along the way I had reason to hope this was the case. After the first year that my book was published I was approached by some film producers that wanted to buy the rights to my book. I of course said yes, but when a movie was never made, and my book sales were absorbed by my family members and then fell off sharply, the joy I felt during writing became a bitter pill. Based upon what I thought success was, I felt like a failure.

I wasn’t completely naive, I knew that a self-published book was long shot. I did market it, based upon my abilities and understanding at the time. It became apparent that my goals may have been misaligned.

So do you give up or try again? Do you learn from your mistakes (let’s just call this failure to keep it real)? I decided to not give up but to try a different tactic. I wrote two non-fiction books. And then I waited. No big pay check came in, just enough to take my wife out to dinner, but not much else.

That was three strikes. Should I try again? The initial answer was no. It was hard to justify the effort to write based upon the rewards that I received. I think I could find a psychological study to validate the fact that lack of rewards diminishes faith and enthusiasm. Let’s just assume I took the time to find that study and you believe me.

Skipping a head in my timeline, the reason I’m writing now is the same reason that I decided to try to publish one more time back in 2007(this would book number 4 if you are keeping count). The reason is that writing brings me joy. It is like a crossword puzzle that begs to be solved. Fictional writing in particular is thrilling because the story can go places you didn’t intend. My fourth book was again functional and I used my trademark plot structure. And again it failed. Or more to the point I failed to write a book that was worthy to be best seller?

Based upon my actions, I’m either insane or I think that my ideas are on target, but I’m failing to reach a tipping point where others get it. I don’t think I’m insane, maybe stupid and ignorant of the factors that produce success or maybe the nature of book publishing is a like a roulette wheel and by some random force called luck, you get the chance to shoot for your dreams.

Maybe I’m not facing the truth: I suck and others know it and I should stop writing stuff. Maybe I rationalize too much and fail to do the hard work of writing or the pick a topic that will produce results. Maybe the nature of self-publishing is something I failed to understand. If I knew the right path to take I would take it and not bother you with this pedantic book on failure. But to the point, I have failed for reasons that are self-evident and reasons that are unknown. I have mislabeled my failures and also had some clarity as to the reasons why I failed, but I then failed to recognize that awareness and take corrective steps. If I could have fully comprehend and calculate the full measure of my failures then, maybe I could now recognize the path forward?