There’s No Place Like Home
I was back!
It was a disorientating sensation moving from the Orb of Fate’s vision quest world—have I mentioned I hate vision quests? Because I hate vision quests—to the physical reality of my home in Falconcrest City. I was inside the library, and nothing seemed to have changed from where the Trench Coat Magician and I had gone off to visit Ultragod. It was disorientating after so long away and I briefly checked myself to see if I was all there.
I was now wearing the Reaper’s Cloak that Jacob had given me, which felt familiar and empowering in a way that I hadn’t felt since Lancel Warren had ascended to a higher plane of existence. Briefly, I wondered if Jacob would start talking to me, but there was silence. Status quo seemed to be good but not so much that he would be there to continue holding my hand like Obi-Wan Kenobi or Yoda.
I checked my extradimensional pockets too and noted that Jacob’s Magic for Dummies was still there. There was also the Merciless Sword now the size of a dagger and in my regular pocket. I could feel its power radiating outward, though. I took a second to conjure a ball of fire in my hands without Dungeon magic, check, then a ball of ice, double-check. I briefly turned insubstantial like a Ringwraith and turned back. Check-check-check.
I had to admit that I’d missed my old powers and, while I fully intended to relearn things like how to create dimensional portals as well as heal the dying, this was a pretty good compensation package. I also had three months of training in fighting and thinking tactically, which I now realized was Jacob’s primary purpose in teaching me. It hadn’t been learning to use Dungeon magic or regular magic specifically, but giving me a foundation to think about using it better. To understand the philosophy behind sorcery and godhood.
Well, the joke was on him! I hadn’t learned a goddamn thing! I was going to go back to being a selfish asshat who abused his power in every which way possible!
Loser!
That was when I saw the Crown of the Gods. The dark crown glowing with an unholy energy that made me want to reach over to it and place it on my head. I thought about Shoot-Em-Up Gary’s words and that I could have used my powers to make the world genuinely better. Had I learned nothing? What if I could fix things slightly further? Resurrection for good guys and not bad guys. Mandy, returned to true humanity, able to be with me the way we were meant to be. Hell, why not just bring back Keith while I was at it? Why not?
My journey felt like a dream now. It was like that movie Jane told me about where a person got dumped into an alternate reality full of talking animals and weirdness before finally getting back to their family. What was the name? Oh right, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. Honestly, it just seemed like a Splotch family rip off.
“Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to retcon the universe just a little bit more…” I trailed off and reached down to the Crown.
“Mr. Karkofsky?” A voice spoke from beside me, for once, but no less surprising.
“Ah!” I said, jumping and bolting to one side. “Goddammit, do I just have no situational awareness? Dammit!”
Much to my surprise, Larry Karkofsky was standing there in his armor. There was a little trans flag emblazoned on it and some Pride stickers which hadn’t been there before. Which were weird additions for Jacob to add, but it was June. Still, I was grateful to see Ultra-Paladin since he’d prevented me from making a really bad mistake. For now. I shut the pockets of my cloak and put the Crown of the Gods from my mind.
“How did we get here?” Larry asked.
“Our comic writer changed,” I explained. “He’s aborted the whole Fantasy World arc and is retconning a bunch of stuff. Expect to get back to some old girlfriends, all progress in your life to vanish, and a bunch of references to the period of time your comic was published when the writer was a child.”
Larry stared. “What? Also, I’m gay so it would be boyfriends.”
“Right,” I said, grasping Larry by the shoulders. “Welcome, Larry, to Stately Warren Manor. I want to welcome you into the family and let you know I’m adopting you—”
“What?” Larry repeated.
“As my archnemesis,” I explained. “We have an existing family connection, a sort of Pagan Min-Ajay Ghale Far Cry 4 thing going. You are the son of my wife AKA what is called a stepson. It’s perfect for creating cheap heat between us. I’ll ask you to rule the world with me and you’ll say no. But I’ll escape when you defeat me—”
“I don’t want to be your archnemesis, Gary,” Larry said.
“That’s a very hurtful thing to say,” I said, staring at him. “A lot of people would be flattered to be my archnemesis.”
“Given the fact I renamed myself after you, I think my fandom should be obvious,” Larry said, as if explaining himself to a small child. “It’s more the fact you mostly fight Nazis, Gary. It’s not a good look to be your archnemesis. You’ve never actually been much of a villain.”
I gasped in horror. “I know I tried briefly to reform but that was never going to stick.”
“Note I said never,” Larry said, sighing. “You’re about as much a villain as Indiana Jones.”
“I’m a killer and a thief!”
“So was Indiana Jones,” Larry pointed out. “Mind you, he has a PHD, so he has that on you too.”
“Actually, I do too,” I pointed out.
Larry blinked. “Really?”
“Yeah, I got an honorary doctorate in Criminology from the University of Londonium College for Supervillains,” I said, not pointing out that I only got that after I’d rewritten the world to my pleasure. Which I thought was a pretty good thesis. “Technically, that makes me Doctor Merciless, but Cindy threw a fit when I tried to officially change my codename. Apparently, she thinks the only person who should be referred to as doctor in the house is the person who did the homework. She finished last in her class but that’s still better than ninety-nine-point-nine percent of people. Cindy was also juggling three supervillain hench jobs at the time to pay her student loans.”
“You know Ultragod cancelled all of those,” Larry said.
“AND FUCK HIM FOR IT!” Cindy shouted from down the hall. “Everyone should be poor and miserable and need to commit crimes to pay them off like I did!”
Larry looked up. “How did she—”
“Werewolf hearing,” I said. “Apparently, I haven’t been gone long enough for her to notice my absence. At least not long enough to care.”
“How long would that be?” Larry asked.
“About two years,” I guessed. “Anyway, I think we should go talk to the others.”
Larry sucked in his breath and nodded. “I look forward to finally meeting my mom. I was never able to find her before because of Colt Colson hiding her identity from me. You know he died last year?”
I didn’t respond because, well, I’d been there and saw him die with my own eyes. Agent of The Foundation and war hero or not, he’d been a real asshole. “So I heard. Did he raise you?”
“No, he had me with another family,” Larry said. “He did show up on occasion, though. Oddly, he was the most supportive of my transition but said it would hurt my chances of being a Foundation agent.”
“So, you became a superhero on your own,” I said, my mouth dry. It was the same as Mandy’s story.
“Yeah, or so I’m trying to be,” Larry said, looking around. “So, where is Mandy?”
I was about to explain the Orb of Fate had given me a vision of her writing me a ‘Dear John’ letter and I wasn’t sure if she was still here when two unexpected people entered my room: Diabloman and my sister Kerri.
Shit.
Diabloman was my first new supervillain friend when I’d set on my quest to become Merciless: The Supervillain without MercyTM. Cindy didn’t count because we’d known each other since childhood. For a while, he’d been my best friend as well as mentor. Then he’d made an understandable but awful choice to keep his sister Spellbinder’s secret that she was impersonating my dead wife, Mandy.
Man, it seems insane even now to mention it. Spellbinder wanted to live again and Merciful had given her the opportunity to do so. I’d accepted it because I’d run into slammed door after slammed door of Mandy’s soullessness being unfixable. I’d taken Spellbinder’s actions when they were revealed—rape by deception legally—poorly. And by poorly, I mean I banished her soul to Hell. I let her out, at least I think I did, and then I rewrote the universe. Diabloman hated me when the universe had been rewritten.
Now he was my brother-in-law.
Everything I’d rewritten hadn’t been consciously done. I didn’t think, “Hey, why don’t I brainwash my divorced former best friend into forgiving me and my unmarried sister into getting hitched?” But that was what I did. I’d walked in and found they’d been married for a couple of years and Diabloman didn’t have any memory of his sister being resurrected or damned. He was just standing there, happy as a six-foot-eight professional wrestler in a devil mask can be.
My sister Kerri had hair as white as mine, large almost anime-esque eyes, and a Christina Ricci facial structure. She was a tiny thing, about five-foot-three, which was normal height for a woman but made her stand out like Natalie Portman among the frequently six-feet-and-over superhero set. Were it not something I’d bleach my brain over, I’d wonder how Diabloman and she were intimate.
Strangely, my sister wasn’t followed by her usual trail of ghosts. That was her superpower, by the way, she could summon and speak with the dead. Technically, she could control them, but she’d never do that as she had the personality of a fluffy kitten crossed with a puppy. Pitten. She was wearing a black business suit dress with hose and carrying a large black purse.
“Hi, Gary!” Kerri said, cheerfully. Which was her default state. If she had a tail, it would be constantly wagging.
“Good afternoon, Gary, I see you have prepared for Ultraday,” Diabloman said, gruff but happy. “You have your old costume back.”
“Something similar,” I said.
“This is Larry,” I said, gesturing to, well, Larry.
Larry had an expression of extreme pain on his face as he was standing in front of one of the most infamous supervillains on Earth. “Larry, Larry Karkofsky.”
Kerri narrowed her eyes. “Gary, is this another one of your kids from the future!”
“No!” I snapped.
“I’m not,” Larry said, raising his hands defensively. “Wait, what do you mean another?”
“You’ll have to meet my kids,” I said, registering what they said. “Ah, so it is Ultraday. Splendid. Just in time to fix everything. Again.”
Kerri and Diabloman looked at me strangely.
“Gary, were you mystically transported to another universe where you’ve been gone for months?” Kerri asked.
I blinked. “How did you know?”
“Well, there’s an ancient blue dragon on the front lawn telling people she’s here for you to fertilize her eggs. Which apparently is done without body touching and I don’t want to know any more. I assume it’s like turtles, though, and you just sort of spawn over them.”
I looked out the window at Ketra. She was resting lazily in dragon form on the front lawn as the kobolds gave her scales a buff and wash. Apparently, she’d been there a while. “Funny story about that—”
“Clearly, you are unfamiliar with the concept of not wanting to know more. I’ll get some Kleenex and lotion.”
“Kerri—” I asked, hoping to die in that moment.
“We used to share a bedroom when you were fourteen,” Kerri said, reminding me why sisters were of the Devil. “Believe me, I didn’t want to know about a lot of that stuff. But yeah, I did. Even when you changed the sheets every day when you thought I wasn’t looking.”
“Please kill me now,” I muttered, facepalming.
“You did have separate beds, right?” Larry asked.
“Oh yes,” Kerri said. “Across the room and everything. Except for the ghost of the murdered teenager who haunted the house. I didn’t tell Gary about her because they shared a bed.”
“I am not siring any dragon kids,” I said, making a firm decision not to proceed with this. “I’m sorry. It was meant to be more than an off-world romance. Sort of like Gabrielle’s space husband or Mandy’s relationship with Alucard.”
“From Castlevania or Vampire Hunter D?” Larry asked.
“Yes,” I replied. “I need to let Ketra know.”
“Well don’t worry about it,” Kerri said. “I just found out you’d had an affair and she’d come to Earth to raise her kids. Plus, I know how super sensitive you are about kids due to your deep-seated family issues. I made it all up to amuse myself.”
I stared at her, remembering my words to Jacob. “You are pure evil!”
“Yes, I am your sister,” Kerri said, smiling. “Ketra is just staying in our dungeon until she can get her own place.”
Diabloman chuckled.
“Never have I been gladder to be asexual,” Leia said, walking in with Mimi. Both were wearing extremely fashionable, custom-tailored dresses with accessorized purses. Both enchanted, I know, to be bags of holding.
“Can you erase the memory of this conversation from my mind?” Mimi asked. “I never wanted to know this much about our dad or aunt.”
“See, you’re giving me permission but later when I bring it up, you’ll be pissed,” Leia said. “Like when I erased what happened to all those dead cats.”
“What?” Mimi asked, doing a double take.
“See!” Leia said.
“Gizmo,” I said, using my daughter’s codename. “Have you been raising dead animals again?”
“It’s not resurrection if they’re zombies!” Leia said. “I’m exploring the limits of this whole stupid ‘no resurrection’ rule!”
Mimi stared in horror. “Is that what happened to my pet koala!?”
“Those are illegal to have anyway!” Leia said.
I took a deep breath. “Leia…I am so very proud of you.”
“Gary!” Kerri said.
“You are showing some true initiative in mad science,” I said, clasping my hands. “Even though it is literally my job to destroy all undead.”
“Except Mandy,” Leia said.
“Yes, except her,” I replied.
“And Ghost Detective,” Mimi added.
“Him too,” I said, remembering the hero who consisted of a trench coat and deerstalker “Plus any other undead I spare because I’m a massive hypocrite. Like that time that I ended up crossing over with the Casper cartoon and decided not to send him to Hell because he died really young.”
Diabloman didn’t show any reaction to my mention of Hell or consigning people there.
Good.
“Hi, Mimi,” Larry said, waving to Mimi.
“Hi, Larry,” Mimi said, waving.
I did a double take. “Wait, you two know each other?”
“Yeah, we’re Ultrabook friends,” Mimi said. “He’s Mandy’s son. Hey, bad news, she’s stepped out to go find herself. Like outside of the state. Probably.”
“What?” Larry asked.
I took a deep breath. “We’ll find her for you, Larry.”
I wasn’t sure about finding her for me. My feelings for Mandy dwarfed those for any other woman, which was unfair to Cindy, my best friend, and Gabrielle, who I only seemed to hurt (and vice versa). However, I’d not only gotten Mandy killed, but my efforts to restore her had caused her immeasurable pain. I also was still only halfway there for considering Vamp Mandy to be her own person separate from the woman she was.
There were also questions that still needed to be answered. After Spellbinder’s soul had been banished from her, I’d half expected Mandy to return to being feral. Except, she hadn’t. Maybe she’d been playacting to a role, but the previous Mandy had been a violent killing machine only interested in blood. The new one claimed she’d learned to control herself in the future fighting President Omega, but aside from appealing to my love of the idea of dating a vampire Sarah Connor, I had no way of verifying that. There was always that doubt in my mind that she was telling the truth and things had just magically worked themselves out without me. Maybe that had been what had driven her away.
Or maybe I just was pathologically unwilling to let go.
“Merciless?” Diabloman asked, snapping his fingers in front of my eyes.
“What? Hmm?” I asked, blinking.
“You zoned out again,” Mimi said. “Probably due to brooding about Mandy. You do that a lot.”
“I do not!” I said, lying my ass off.
“Telepath,” Leia said, tapping her head. “I know when you’re lying, Dad.”
“Is it child abuse to consider locking you in a death trap?” I asked.
“Then Mom is guilty every day,” Leia said. “Which is sadly less of a defense than I’d hope.”
I paused. “Yeah, I’ve decided to go to the Ultraday celebration, kids.”
I knew what to do with the Crown of the Gods now.
I was going to give it to Ultragod.
Let him fix the world.