A Grim Sense of Foreboding
“Wait, you actually thought I wanted you to be the father of my children?” Ketra asked, walking beside me in our group. She was in human form with a halter top and pants that made think she’d gotten to my Earth well before I had and adapted to the fashion.
We were headed down the halls of Warren Manor and it still struck me as bizarre how big this place was. Even turned into a refuge for interdimensionally displaced Dungeons & Dragons monsters, it was shocking.
“Well, yes,” I muttered.
“For the love of the gods, why?” Ketra asked, confused.
“That is a very good question,” I said, embarrassed. Okay, good one, Jacob. I underestimated your sense of humor.
“Yes, Dad, because we would LOVE a bunch of half-archosaur siblings,” Mimi said.
“Don’t be racist, sis,” Leia said, typing away at her infopad.
“It’s not racist,” Mimi said, defending herself. “Racist would imply systemic power imbalances baked into the structure of society. Its prejudice, which is completely different.”
“Both are bad,” Larry said.
“Yes, but I’m Team Snow not Team Daenerys,” Mimi said, reaffirming the source of her bias was Season Eight. “When can we take HBO hostage and force them to remake the series?”
“I like House of the Dragon but it’s way too time-skippy,” Larry muttered.
“Do you have any idea what they’re talking about?” Diabloman asked Kerri.
“No,” Kerri said. “Teenagers speak a different language.”
“Si,” Diabloman said, reminding me he had a daughter of his own.
“I’m not a teenager,” Larry said, sighing.
The group turned and entered a room I was sure I’d never been in before, where Cindy was being attended to by a staff of what appeared to be about fourteen specialists. They were adjusting her dress, makeup, nails, and social media feed. I was fairly sure the cost of it would bankrupt some movie budgets.
“Uh, hi, Cindy,” I said, looking at this. “What are you doing?”
“Prepping for Ultraday, dipshit!” Cindy said, looking like a princess as she insulted me.
“It’s not the Infamy Gala,” I said, referring to the Atlas City event.
“You know that’s controlled by the Brotherhood of Infamy,” Diabloman said.
“Wait, seriously?” I asked, stunned.
Diabloman somehow showed confusion through his mask. “Yes. You only wiped out the Falconcrest City branch.”
“Huh,” I muttered. “I’m just saying there’s more to life than being beautiful, Cindy.”
“And you know who says that, Gary? Ugly people,” Cindy said, wrinkling her nose. “No one must think I’m a day over twenty-eight.”
“You’re thirty-nine,” I pointed out, “And only for a month more.”
Cindy’s teeth turned into rows of steak knives, and she growled, slobbering as she spoke, “You shut your goddamn mouth and you never open it again!”
Her makeup girl frowned and slapped her, causing Cindy to revert to normal. “Do not make me do your lipstick again.”
Cindy whimpered and obeyed, lowering her head. Then she seemed to notice the rest of the group. “Gary, why are a winged Pat Benatar and a Kurt Cobain lookalike here?”
Ketra waved. “I’m Ketra, I had a bunch of meaningless sex with your husband.”
“Not my husband. More like a live-in partner in crime until I can find someone better,” Cindy corrected, only slightly hurting with her words. “Alternative response: not exactly a short line, sis. Since his wife died, Gary discovered that being famous completely overrides his obnoxious personality when getting hookups. Really, do not run a blacklight in this mansion.”
Mimi looked ready to vomit. Leia looked like she was desensitized to the horrors of human sexuality. Kerri, however, just grinned as the fact that anything that embarrassed me was a source of personal amusement. Which fair, was what sisters were obligated to feel.
“Hey!” I snapped, appalled. “I am not just a walking hormone!”
Everyone looked at me, including Cindy’s makeup staff.
“Family members are not allowed to make those jokes,” I said.
Kerri, Mimi, and Leia looked away. Apparently, my female blood relatives really did think it was their right to do so.
“Nice to meet you,” Cindy said, with faux sincerity. “Who’s the kid?”
“Not a kid,” Larry said.
“This is ULTRA-PALADIN!” I said, introducing Larry by the new codename on which I hadn’t let him have any input. “Sacred defender of the Mystical Fire, Defender of the Defenseless, Helper of the Helpless, and newly trademarked hero of the Omega Corporation superhero division!”
Larry blinked. “What now? Can he do that?”
“Oh yes!” Kerri said. “He totally dumped like a billion dollars in Omega Corp stock on me and forced me to be the CEO of the company despite my complete lack of any formal training. Well, I was a secretary at a factory for a while. They made aglets.”
“Surprisingly, that worked out really well,” I said. “Even before I rebooted the universe.”
“Yeah, it turns out the entire system is rigged to make sure it’s nearly impossible for the rich to lose money,” Kerri said, clapping her hands. “Even if you really screw up, the government just bails you out.”
“Enough social commentary,” Cindy said. “You think you’ve had a bad day? I’ve been on the phone with your niece the entire time.”
“Why, what happened to Lisa?” I asked, wondering about Keith’s daughter. She’d moved out when she’d joined the Texas Guardians. Unfortunately, she’d been kicked out when I’d done a celebratory assault on their headquarters. You know, just to help her settle in. That had gone over like a ton of bricks.
Worse, the entire incident had pushed her into radicalizing and becoming a member of the Tomorrow Society. As I’d mentioned, I wasn’t exactly fond of those guys even though I considered myself a Super ally due to having a family full of them. Unfortunately, they were a little too militant, and this was me talking. I might have been more sympathetic if not for the fact they had tried to get Mimi and Leia to run away from home and live with them on Super Island where they were forming their own nation. It reminded me of my cousin that decided to move to Israel and join a kibbutz. I hoped Lisa was alright.
Cindy, unfortunately, confirmed she was not. “Her phone got hacked and video of her with her boyfriend, the Backwoodsman, got leaked.”
“Merciful Moses,” I muttered, shocked and appalled. “I should talk to her. Backwoodsman? Really? The guy is Canadian.”
Kerri swatted me on the shoulder.
“Old too!” I snapped, rubbing my shoulder. “Seriously, I thought she was his teen sidekick.”
“She’s twenty-two,” Kerri said.
“Like I said, teen,” I replied, feeling less old now that I’d hit forty than everyone else was now unreasonably young.
“I doubt she wants to talk to her uncle about her sex tape, Gary,” Cindy said, rolling her eyes.
I paused before grimacing. “Yeah, in retrospect, that’s obvious.”
“Mind you, she didn’t appreciate my advice to monetize it and get herself an OnlySupers account,” Cindy said, ruining any sympathy she might have accrued. “Mine accounts for twenty percent of my revenue stream and I own oil wells in war torn regions that the Society of Superheroes hasn’t gotten to patrolling.”
“You should really sell those,” I said, disgusted.
“That’s what you said about the sweat shops!” Cindy snapped.
“Yes!” I spoke.
“They make sweatpants in those!” Cindy said, ripping off Glass Onion. “Red Riding Hood brand sweatpants made with real sweat!”
Larry cleared his throat. “My name is Larry Karkofsky. I understand you know my mother.”
Cindy narrowed her eyes. “Gary, is he another kid of yours from the future?”
“Man, if I had a nickel for every time that happened, I’d have two nickels,” I said, realizing I had the perfect set up for a Phineas and Ferb reference. “Which isn’t a lot, but I do find it weird that it’s happened twice.”
“Plagiarizing cartoons isn’t cool, Dad,” Mimi said, looking up at me.
“You try and come up with as many zingers as I have to!” I said to my daughter.
“So, you’re Mandy’s kid, huh?” Cindy asked.
I looked around. “Did everyone know about this except me?”
“I mean, Mandy didn’t know,” Cindy said, “until today at least. I mean it’s probably not the only reason she’s packed up and gone to brood on a rooftop somewhere. There’s also Gary. I mean, he’s probably eighty percent of what’s wrong in her life.”
Larry stared.
“Thanks, Cindy,” I said, crossing my arms. “Really.”
“Superheroes love being miserable,” Cindy said as one of her hench-staff brought her a juice box. She slurped it without taking it into her hand. “So, really, Gary, you’re like the perfect boyfriend. It’s just she has to share you and she hates sharing even her lipstick.”
“Cindy—” I started to say.
“So, we just need to go to alternate Earths, kidnap your alternates, and blow those Earth’s up,” Cindy said.
“Cindy!” I snapped.
“It’s the perfect plan!” Cindy exclaimed. “I mean, unless destroying your home Earth’s results in you becoming a fascist world-dominating despot like Merciless. Who, I admit, was just like you until his Earth was destroyed, so maybe the plan needs work.”
“So, she didn’t want to meet me,” Larry said, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry to bother you guys.”
“Seriously, just blame Gary,” Cindy said. “It’s what I do all the time.”
I put my hand on his shoulder. “Mandy looked for you, mourned you, and struggled with your loss her entire life. I’m sure she is just scared.”
“Or, you know, a soulless undead abomination,” Cindy said. “Which she also is. So, where the hell have you been, Gary? Ultragod has called like four times, and you’ve only been gone a couple of days.”
I coughed. “Speaking of which, is there like a horrifying plague that’s killed millions?”
I didn’t quite know how to ask about that without sounding like a madman. Thankfully, I was already considered legally insane in thirty-eight states, including Michigan, so I was well off the hook here.
“Oh, the Nanoplague?” Kerri asked. “Yeah, everyone had that for like an hour. Then suddenly everyone got better. Presumably, some superhero solved it.”
I blinked and breathed out a sigh of relief. “That’s good.”
“It’s a shame,” Cindy said. “Leia could have come up with a treatment and sold it for millions. If she didn’t actually cure-cure it. If you know what I mean.”
“I really don’t,” I said, turning to Leia. “Was your mother always this evil?”
“I think she’s gotten worse since the dragon heist,” Leia explained. “That’s made her think she can be an antihero too.”
“Since Guinevere is training me as a superhero, which means I’m good and I can do anything I want,” Cindy said, proudly. She then started singing in the key of Disney’s Frozen. “No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I’m free! Let morality go! Let morality go! The perfect Cindy is here!”
Rather than touch that with a ten-foot pole, I decided to answer Cindy’s question. “I was in another dimension, going through a training montage. I befriended a Ringwraith. Rode a dragon.”
“Hey!” Ketra said.
“You heard it that way,” I said. “Failed my Jedi training because too much anger was within me. Oh, and I met Larry.”
“Hey, again,” Larry said, still looking devastated. “I guess I should be going, now. Nice to meet you all.”
“No, no, no,” I said, waving my hand to him. “Come with us to the Ultraday celebration. I’ll introduce you to the President.”
“Yes, make your first impression as a superhero by showing up with a supervillain who has killed a thousand people,” Cindy said.
“Nine hundred and eighty-nine!” I snapped, pausing. “If we’re counting only humans from this dimension.”
Mimi looked up at me. “How?”
“Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to, dear,” I replied. “Also, I had nothing to do with the death of the Trench Coat Magician. He is living on a farm upstate. He lent me his sword. No, wait, it’s not his sword. It’s a replica. With the exact same powers. Which he got me. Because it’s cool looking.”
“I had one, but I couldn’t lift it,” Cindy said. “Also, Jack Hellraiser is a demon.”
“Yeah, and?” I said, confused.
Cindy stared at me. “Demons are immortal. If you killed him, he comes back.”
I blinked. “Oh, thank Death! I was not looking forward to explaining why Jack Hellraiser was on a farm…upstate.”
Diabloman sighed. “Madre de Diablo. Gary, what did I teach you about killing superheroes?”
“Don’t?” I asked.
“Yes,” Diabloman said.
“Well, I didn’t, so ha!” I said, pausing. “Nine hundred and eighty-eight!”
“You still stole his father’s sword,” Ketra said.
“Oh yeah,” I said, looking down at my knife. “I should probably return that to him. How do you summon a demon?”
If that seemed overly forgiving of Jack Hellraiser after his multiple attempts to kill me, take note that these sorts of fights were just part and parcel about the superhero versus supervillain dichotomy. Hell, superheroes fought each other all the time. In this case, it seemed to have been the result of mind control too. Which was like the ultimate “Get out of Jail Free” card. It was also PHANTOM tech, which was kinda important given than PHANTOM was supposed to have been completely wiped out in my revised world. I should probably tell someone about that.
Everyone was looking at me, though.
Including the beauticians.
“What?” I asked.
“You don’t know how to summon a demon, Dad?” Mimi asked.
“You do?” I asked, confused.
“Yeah!” Mimi said. “It is like the most basic spell. That’s why demons can make so many deals. Aren’t you supposed to be a wizard? This is like Harry Potter entry level stuff!”
“I hate that franchise,” Larry muttered as only someone who really loved something until it became terrible can. That was the Star Wars sequels’ voice.
“Seriously, it’s very easy,” Diabloman said. “My sister and I were summoning demons by the time we could walk.”
“Well, you and your sister were born to a Satanic cult as children of one of the Great Beasts so I’m not sure that’s a good endorsement,” I said, before thinking. Which was basically my entire life in one sentence. The speaking before thinking part, not the part about being born in a Satanic cult. No, I was born to an insurance claims adjuster and a schoolteacher.
Everyone continued staring.
I pulled out Jacob’s Magic for Dummies and started flipping through it. “Fine, I’ll summon him. Anything anyone else want to dump on me while I’m already suffering grievous emotional heartbreak from being abandoned by my one true love?”
Ketra blinked, shocked. “I’m sorry, Gary, I had no idea—”
“Not you!” I said.
“You have a lot of one true loves, Dad,” Leia pointed out. “Just saying.”
Mimi looked guilty. “About things that would tick you off—”
I stared at her. “What are you hiding?”
Mimi sighed. “Now may not be the best time but I’m kind of dating…a Splotch.”
I gasped in horror. “No! Which one?”
“The black and Puerto Rican one?” Mimi asked, looking down. “Marco Montoya AKA Toner.”
He was the teenage Splotch and probably going to inherit the mantle of his uncle and grandfather. I knew because I’d got on well with the Splotches, even inviting one to live in Falconcrest City so he could nemesis his crush on Nikki Tesla. Which was totally different from stalking or so I told my therapist.
“Age-appropriate no less!” I said, staring. “I am very disappointed in you, young lady. Please tell me you met while he was trying to stop you from doing a heist.”
“No,” Mimi said. “It was at a protest for Supers’ rights.”
“I don’t even know you,” I said, shaking my head. Looking down, the alien language of the book became English. Another function of the Reaper’s Cloak. “Oh, here’s how to summon a demon. Huh, that is easy. Wow, why did I make Dungeon magic in the first place?”
“You cheated when using it,” Cindy said, finishing her preparations. She looked like she was trying to split the difference between fashionable and lewd like, well, most starlets at the Infamy Gala. She pulled it off, though. “You need somatic, verbal, and material components. None of which you use. You need to rest six hours between re-memorizing spells—”
I glared at her.
“All I’m saying is that’d never fly at my table,” Cindy said, crossing her arms. “You might as well have just had Epic levels and all eighteens in your stats for the fact you’re gaming the system!”
I turned around and walked past Diabloman and Kerri to go summon a demon.