Mariela was walking through the woods and it made her feel sick because she knew she was on the mainland and not the island. She turned around, trying to find a way out, but the trees were so thick and tall, they made everything look the same. Her chest grew tight and she felt a bit panicky because the light was fading and it would grow dark soon.
She searched frantically for a path or anything that would lead her out of the woods and to the water. It was close, she felt it. Now all she had to do was find it. The first thing she had to do was calm down, she told herself, so she stopped, closed her eyes, and took several deep breaths.
“You won’t find your way out with your eyes closed.”
It sounded like . . . but it couldn’t be. Mariela spun around.
“Surprise.” Winnie sat on a rock, her legs crossed and a big smile on her face.
Mariela screamed.
Winnie’s smile disappeared and in a flash too quick to see, she moved from the rock to stand directly in front of Mariela.
“Stop it,” Winnie said. “Don’t do that.”
Mariela nodded and forced herself to stop screaming, but it took several tries before she could get any words out. “You’re . . . here and now I’m here . . . am I . . . oh shit.” Everything grew fuzzy and she felt the earth tilt.
Winnie slapped her. “Don’t pass out on me. And no, you’re not dead. You can say it, you know. I’m well aware of what I am.”
“Why am I here?” Mariela wasn’t sure she believed her. After all, she’d always thought if you saw dead people, you were also dead. That’s the way it should work anyway.
“I’m guessing you did something stupid and now you need advice.”
“You’re going to give me advice?” Mariela laughed. “That’s funny. You were always the one asking me for advice.”
“I know, right? Isn’t it funny how the universe works? It took dying for me to get smart.”
Mariela sobered up. She was standing with her best friend, the woman who was like a sister to her. She’d never thought to see her again and suddenly her eyes prickled with tears. “It is you. I’ve missed you so much. Can I hug you?”
“Better not. Now come over here and sit down. We’ve got a lot to go over and not much time. You have to find your way out before dark.”
“What happens at dark?”
“Don’t ask.”
“I just did.”
Winnie sighed. “I turn into a pumpkin, okay? Now sit.”
Mariela sat on the rock Winnie had recently vacated.
“First of all,” Winnie said. “You have got to cut Lennox some slack.”
“What?”
“He’s grieving. I’m hard to get over.”
“I don’t mean any disrespect, but seriously? You’ve been gone for three years.”
Winnie laughed. “You still have it, I see. He hasn’t killed your spirit yet. That’s good, because he’s a hardheaded one.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The way you tell it like it is. He needs someone like you, he just hasn’t accepted it yet.”
Mariela knew she should feel uncomfortable talking to her dead best friend about her old lover. However, she figured it was completely ludicrous to be talking to her dead best friend anyway, so the topic of conversation really didn’t matter.
“If you’re talking about Lennox,” Mariela said, “it’s never going to happen with us. I’ve tried. We don’t work.”
“And here I thought you’d have a little bit more spunk.”
“Pining after Lennox zapped the spunk right out of me.”
“I’m sorry I took him away from you,” Winnie whispered. “I shouldn’t have gone after him. You were better suited for him. Still are.”
“But he loved you. And you were right, he’s still grieving. I don’t think he’ll ever get over you.”
“He’s not grieving me. He’s grieving who he thought I was.”
“What do you mean?”
Winnie looked at her in shock. “You don’t know? I can’t believe he hasn’t told you.”
“Told me what?”
“I should probably let him tell you, but I guess I can at least tell you my side.”
None of this made any sense to Mariela. Not why she was dreaming about this—at least she thought it was a dream—not why Winnie was here. And especially not what she was talking about.
“You were always the submissive. Remember that night we met Lennox? You knew who and what he was, but you’d never talked with him. I, on the other hand, took one look at him and I said, “He’s mine,” and I didn’t care that you wanted him, too, or that you could actually offer what he needed. I was young and so damn sure of myself. I thought I could make myself a submissive.”
Mariela found it hard to breathe. Winnie wasn’t submissive? What?
“Lennox knew right away that I didn’t know what I was doing, but I begged him to train me and I eventually wore him down.”
“I had no idea.”
“Of course you didn’t. Did you think I was going to confess to you that I was only pretending to be kinky so I could have Lennox? I’m not proud of the way I treated him. I was awful. Especially toward the end. And especially on . . . that day.”
Things started to fall into place for Mariela. All the things he’d said or done suddenly took on new meaning. Why he didn’t want to scene. Why he pushed her away. Why he carried the guilt of Winnie’s death.
“That’s why he opened the academy,” Mariela said with a gasp. “That’s what he meant when he said it was his penitence.”
“Yes, and he’s done a fantastic job with it, but it’s time for him to move on. And he should do it with you.”
“By move on, you mean leave the academy?”
“Whatever it takes. I’ll leave that up to you.”
Mariela snorted. “Right, because he’s going to listen to anything I say. I’m the very last person he’ll listen to. He’s not the man he was.”
“You’ll be surprised. He values you and your opinion more than he lets on. And who he is hasn’t changed, he’s still the same, just with a new perspective on things.”
Mariela decided it wouldn’t be polite to tell Winnie she was batshit crazy. In fact, the only thing that was more ludicrous was the possibility of Lennox leaving the academy.
“He needs to put the past away and you’re the only one who can help, because you know what he’s gone through. If that means he needs to work somewhere else, help him find something. He’s too good of a man to wither away into nothing and he’s too much of a Dominant to live without a strong submissive.” She stood up. “Be kind to him, Marie, and you two will have the life you both deserve. I love you both and always will.”
Mariela hopped down. “Wait! That’s it? Where are you going?”
“It’s almost dark, you have to go. We can’t have you see me turn into a pumpkin, now can we?” She made a scoot motion with her hands. “Go on now.”
Mariela looked around. “But I still don’t know where the water is.”
“Listen to your heart, it won’t steer you wrong.” She smiled. “And listen to that Andie woman, she’s pretty smart, too. I would have liked to have spent time with her.”
Mariela knew she wouldn’t see Winnie again and suddenly her heart ached like when she’d lost her the first time. “I’ll miss you.”
“I know, sweetie. Like I said, I’m a hard woman to get over.”
Mariela laughed and flipped her the bird.
Winnie blew her a kiss. “Go take care of your man.”
• • •
SHE HURT EVERYWHERE.
Mariela refused to open her eyes. If she kept them closed, maybe she’d find her way back into the forest. It had been cool there and peaceful. But most of all, nothing had hurt.
“I think she’s waking up,” a voice she didn’t recognize said.
A warm hand touched her forehead. “Marie?”
Lennox. What was he doing? Hadn’t she left him at the cottage?
“Are you awake?”
“No,” she tried to say, but it came out as a moan.
“Don’t try to talk,” Lennox said.
But why? If she didn’t talk, how would she know where she was? Or why everything hurt so fucking much? And what Lennox was doing here?
She opened her eyes just enough to make him out. He looked horrible, but he tried to smile when he saw her open her eyes.
“You scared me,” he said.
She licked her lips. “Hurts,” she managed to get out. “Why?”
His smile disappeared. “You’re in the hospital. You were in a car accident. Do you remember?”
She tried to think back, but she could only remember the forest. “Winnie.”
A look of shock mixed with grief crossed his face. “Like Winnie, but you’re here.”
She shook her head. He didn’t understand. “I saw her.”
His mouth opened but nothing came out. Her eyelids were growing heavy, and she didn’t have the strength to keep them open.
“Stay,” she mumbled before the darkness swept her away.
• • •
THE NEXT TIME she woke up, someone was holding her hand. She took a quick assessment of her body. She still hurt, but the pain was localized to her legs now. Her mind seemed clearer and though she could remember Winnie and the forest, they both seemed further away than before.
She opened her eyes and discovered it was Lennox holding her hand. His head was down.
“Hey,” she said to get his attention.
He jerked his head up and her heart caught in her throat because his eyes were red, like he’d been crying.
“You’re awake,” he said with a weak smile that did nothing to erase the sadness in his eyes.
“Yes,” she said. “Why were you crying?” She was in a hospital, was something wrong with her? “Tell me.”
“It’s nothing,” he said, confirming her fear. Something was wrong with her.
“Liar. Tell me.” She struggled to sit up, but found she couldn’t because her right leg was too heavy. Why would her leg be heavy? She looked down, but her legs were covered. “Is it my leg? Is that why it hurts so much?”
“Marie,” he said. “Calm down.”
She saw it in his eyes. Something was wrong. “Lennox, please.”
He took a deep breath and looked toward the door as if hoping someone would come in and rescue him. No one came, and when he turned back to her, there was no emotion in his expression.
“You broke your leg,” he said. “In the car accident.”
A broken leg? Well, that wasn’t the end of the world, unless there was more he wasn’t telling her.
“I had a broken leg before,” she said. “It’s a pain, but not a big deal.”
He shook his head. “Perhaps break isn’t the right word. Your right leg was crushed. You were in surgery for hours.”
She blinked, shocked by his words. “But I’ll be okay, right?”
He didn’t say anything.
“Lennox?” She couldn’t keep the panic from her voice.
“The doctors said you should be able to walk after therapy. You’ll probably always have a limp. . . .”
She couldn’t catch her breath. She should be able to walk? Did that mean there was a chance she wouldn’t walk again?
“Dance.” It was only one word, but at this point, it was all she had.
Lennox took her hand.
Oh my god.
“In time, Marie,” he said, looking her in the eyes. “But I know you and I know you can do it. You can push through this and I bet you’ll be twirling around us before you know it.”
She couldn’t speak. What would she do if she couldn’t dance? Dance was her entire life and without it, she was nothing.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
As she watched, he dropped his head again and stroked her hand. She knew exactly what he was doing and she could hit him.
“Don’t you dare blame yourself,” she said.
“Why shouldn’t I?” he asked. “It’s my fault you left the cottage all upset. If I hadn’t said those things I did, you never would have gotten in the car angry and the accident wouldn’t have happened.”
“Do you ever get tired, Lennox?” she asked.
He cocked an eyebrow. “Tired of what?”
“Being responsible for every damn thing that happens in the universe.” He started to say something, but she spoke before he could. “Don’t even try to deny it. To listen to you, it’s your fault Winnie died and your fault I got into a car accident.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No, it’s not.” She sighed. “Believe it or not, you could not have stopped me from getting in that car. I doubt you could have stopped Winnie either. And you sure as hell can’t take responsibility for my car accident or the telephone pole Winnie wrapped her car around.”
She hadn’t convinced him of anything. The weight he’d carried after Winnie’s death was back, and from the looks of it, he’d doubled that weight. Because of her. He now blamed himself for her accident and whatever lasting effects it will have on her.
“You were never meant to carry that much guilt, Lennox. At least let me carry my share. I shouldn’t have gotten into the car in the mood I was in. But I was hell-bent on getting out of that cottage and nothing short of a war would have stopped me. Certainly not you.”
“Then we shouldn’t have argued.”
Was he fucking serious? That was the most asinine statement she’d ever heard. What were they supposed to do, agree on everything? Never disagree? That didn’t make any sense.
She was getting ready to tell him as much when someone knocked on the door. Thankful for the diversion, she looked that way expectantly to see who it was and grinned as Andie and Fulton walked in.
“Hey,” Andie said. “Look who’s up.”
“Hi, Mariela.” Fulton set down a vase of light pink roses. “We picked these up for you.”
“They’re gorgeous. Aren’t they gorgeous, Lennox?” Mariela waved to the couple. “Come on in. Fulton, give those to Lennox so he can find a spot for them. It’ll be the first useful thing he’s done all day.”
Andie and Fulton exchanged a look, obviously picking up on the tension between the two of them.
“Um,” Fulton said. “We can come back later if now’s not a good time.”
“That might be for the best,” Lennox said.
“Absolutely not,” Mariela insisted. “Now is perfectly fine. Don’t listen to him. In fact, Fulton, why don’t you take Lennox out for coffee or something, so Andie and I can have some time for girl talk.”
Lennox looked none too pleased with her suggestion and that was just fine by her. She was the patient, and if he didn’t go with Fulton, she’d kick him out or have a nurse do it for her. She was tired of his attitude. Tired of his self-imposed martyrdom.
Andie glanced at Fulton, obviously searching for some guidance.
He nodded. “Come on, boss. Let’s go find some coffee.”
Lennox stood to leave. “I’ll be back, Marie, and we’ll finish this conversation.”
You bet your ass we will. But she didn’t say that. Instead she smiled and told the men to take their time. It wasn’t until they’d both left the room that she felt she could relax.
Andie sat down in the seat Lennox had recently vacated. “Whew. What was that about?”
Mariela waved as if shooing a bothersome fly. “Nothing. Just Lennox being himself.”
“It sure didn’t look like nothing.”
“I’m just tired of his shit. The way he acts like everything’s his fault.” She took a deep breath, needing to calm down. The last thing she wanted was to get herself worked up. The hospital would probably kick out all her visitors.
“He blames himself for your accident, doesn’t he?”
“Yes, and it’s completely ridiculous.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Not really. But she had to talk to someone about what happened. “I went to the cottage, I knew he’d go there when he left the island. And we . . .” She closed her eyes. She hadn’t yet had the time to process last night and everything about it still felt raw and tender. She sighed and Andie placed a hand on top of hers. “It was wonderful. Incredible. It was everything I’d imagined and fantasized about and so much more.”
And then they’d woken up the next morning and it was back to the same old treatment from him. She looked away from Andie, not wanting to see the pity she knew would be there when she told her what happened next.
“This morning, he acted like it was nothing. Nothing.” Mariela swallowed. “I should have known and expected it, but it surprised me and we had a horrible argument.”
“Just like Winnie.”
Mariela nodded. “Very much like Winnie. You know about my leg.”
Andie nodded.
“He thinks it’s his fault because we argued.”
“What does he think? That no one should ever argue?”
“I guess. Or at least he shouldn’t.”
Andie didn’t say anything.
“Seems as if no matter what, plan or no plan, Lennox and I are doomed for failure,” Mariela said.
“I wouldn’t look at it like that,” Andie said. “You’re not a failure.”
“I don’t see how you can call it anything else. I mean, seriously, he’s acting like it never happened and I have a busted leg? It doesn’t get much more of a failure than that.”
Andie shook her head. “I think you’re looking at it the wrong way.”
Mariela just gave her an are you kidding me with this look. Because, really?
But Andie was determined she was correct. “You and Lennox had an amazing night, right?”
Mariela nodded.
“That in and of itself is progress.”
“I would be more likely to agree with you if he didn’t act as though the whole thing never happened.”
“That’s what I mean,” Andie said. “He’s acting like that because he hasn’t processed the new development yet, and until he does, it’s safer for him to shove it in the ‘not yet’ box in his brain.”
Mariela decided Andie had lost it. “And you think once he’s processed it, he’s going to profess his undying love?”
“Nope, I still think he’s going to shove it to the ‘not yet’ part of his brain.”
“What good does that do me?”
“It’s up to you to get that night out of the ‘not yet’ box and in the ‘I can’t live without this’ box.”
“I’m not even sure he has an ‘I can’t live without this’ box.”
“Trust me. He does.”
Mariela yawned. “I’ll have to try to locate it.”
“I should let you rest. All this talking and planning can’t be calming you down. And I promised the charge nurse that I wouldn’t overexcite you.”
“Trust me, if being in the same room with Lennox didn’t overexcite me and send my bp through the roof, talking to you won’t either.”
“I believe you, but just to be safe, let’s talk about something else.” Andie reached into her bag. “I brought you some of my homemade granola and some superfood powder you can add to water. Hospital food is pathetically devoid of necessary nutrition.”
“Thank you,” Mariela said as Andie placed the items on a free shelf in the tiny hospital room closet.
“When do you start PT?”
“I’m not sure, I haven’t even spoken to a doctor yet.”
“I heard Lennox tell Fulton they were going to stop by the nurses’ station on the way to get coffee. Maybe they’ll ask for your doctor to come by.”
With all that had been going on with Lennox and then Fulton and Andie coming by, Mariela had pushed anything having to do with her leg to the side. But she couldn’t get rid of it completely, and every time she thought about it, a chill took over her body. What if the injury was worse than they thought and she never walked again? How could she live if she didn’t dance?
Dance was such a big part of her life. It was like breathing. She couldn’t separate herself from breathing, she doubted she could remove herself from dance either. She was a dancer. Without dance, who was she? Would she even recognize herself?
Unbidden, hot tears ran down her cheeks.
“Mariela?” Andie asked.
“What if I never walk again? And can’t dance?” Mariela asked. “How can I go on?”
“First of all,” Andie said. “Don’t get all negative and pessimistic on me. Of course you’ll be able to walk again, because you’re going to have the best medical team known to man working with you. Not to mention me.”
Mariela gave a small snort.
“You may laugh, but I can be a little stubborn. Just ask Fulton.”
Mariela knew that for a fact.
“And since I’m so stubborn, I’m going to do everything in my power to get you up and walking. In fact,” Andie’s eyes sparkled and Mariela knew she was in trouble then. “I’m going to bet you’ll be up walking and dancing at the Holiday Ball.”
Mariela did laugh then. “Now I know you’ve lost it. Lennox said they’re not sure when I’ll be able to walk and you’re saying I’ll be dancing by the end of the year?”
“Crazier things have happened.”
“Not many.”
There was a knock on the door and Fulton stuck his head in. “Ready, Andie?” He glanced over to Mariela. “Nurse said we needed to let you rest, so we’re going to go for now. We booked a room in the city for tonight, so we’ll be back tomorrow.”
“You guys don’t have to do that.” Mariela hated the thought of her friends going out of their way for her. Especially since they would be staying on the mainland. Granted, not everyone felt the way she did about that.
“It’s okay, really,” Andie said with a knowing glance at Fulton. “This is like a little mini escape for us.”
“We don’t need to hear the details.” Lennox came up behind Fulton and slapped him on the shoulder. He passed him and stepped into the room. “You two go on and get out of here. I’ve got things covered.”
Mariela waited until the couple left before she talked to Lennox. “I thought the nurse wanted me to rest?”
“She does.”
“Then why are you staying?”
He settled into the chair and closed his eyes. “Because I am.”
Damn stubborn man. She huffed and pulled the covers up, willing herself to sleep and surprised when it came so quickly.
WINNIE’S JOURNAL
Oh god, what have I gotten myself into?