thirty-two

Gato drove him over to Judy’s. Said he would wait as he pulled his ragged Bible from the glove box. Judy’s had been an institution in the city for nearly thirty years. Not Mallen’s crowd, but he wasn’t there to fit-in or feel comfortable. Mallen felt he had a pretty good idea what Daniel would say to him. One of those “clear the decks” sort of talks that two guys have under circumstances like this. One of those, “Man, I’m not here to fuck up your shit” moments. A conversation about how Daniel wasn’t there to be the new daddy to Anna. About how Daniel realized that Mallen would still be calling to set up visitations while he, Daniel, now slept in Chris’s bed. Sorry Mallen, but there you go: you fucked it all to hell and back again, and I’m here to take your family past you and into a new future and pass the salt, please.

Well … fuck.

Daniel stood out in front of Judy’s, dressed like page 39 in a Lands’ End catalog. Shit, don’t hold that against him, Mallen thought as he approached. They briefly shook hands, two boxers at the beginning of a match. How else should it be? What else could it be? No matter how much either disavowed all knowledge of their stones and the testosterone that filled them up, they were still two guys who loved the same woman.

Daniel had a table waiting for them, which was good. This joint was always crowded. They went and sat toward the back. There were already two menus there. Mallen ordered coffee straight away, Daniel doing the same. At least the guy didn’t drink decaf. That was comforting. It was obvious to Mallen, who had been studying people and their reactions for a long time, both as a cop and a junkie, that this was indeed a guy who had something to say. Something hard and uncomfortable. Would he tell Mallen he was in love with Chris? Well, what else? That he loved how Mallen had decorated the den? Sure as fuck wouldn’t be that: Chris had redone the den since he’d left.

They didn’t talk much at first except about the Niners. Daniel seemed to be a big fan. Then they moved on to talking about the city until the waitress came and took their order. Mallen got more coffee. Poured some cream into it. “So, what’s up?” he said directly as he stirred his cup. “Why the breakfast. I appreciate it, but you have to admit I have a right to be a bit wondered at it all, yeah?”

Daniel smiled. Nodded. “Sure. Of course. I just wanted to have some time with you so we could get comfortable with the way things will be, going forward.”

“Oh? And which way will that be?” Stop being such a dick, dick! You want to be able to see Anna any time you want. Don’t fuck that up, asshole! “Sorry,” Mallen said as he reached for the sugar. “You know how it must be.”

“Yes, I do.” Daniel sipped his coffee as he stared past Mallen to the front door. Almost as if he wanted an escape route. Looked down at his coffee. “Chris told me about what happened. Told me everything. How she’s working to move forward.” Smiled then. “She’s not one to just sit in a corner and cry. Incredible.”

Mallen nodded. “Yup.”

It was then that Mallen caught a glimpse of himself in the window’s reflection. Beat all to shit from the last five years plus of his life. Rumpled coat and clothes. Had an automatic pistol in his pocket. People were after him. To kill him. And he was after those people. He looked like a nightmare from a 1970s cop movie. Actually, he looked worse than he ever had as a junkie. Probably much worse. He’d been shot at too many times to count, been beaten almost as much, and at one point had his hand nailed to a fuckin’ table. That shit never happens to a junkie.

Daniel was saying something to him and he pulled himself back to the booth and his coffee. “Sorry,” Mallen said, “not enough sleep. What were you saying?”

“I’d heard about the hours you sometimes keep,” Daniel replied with a smile. Not smarmy. Not anything but some guy who was meeting another guy from a totally different world than he inhabited, a world he could never imagine wanting to inhabit.

“How is Chris?” Mallen asked, trying to keep it all going. “How’s Anna?”

“Anna is great. She’s a wonderful girl. Smart as hell. Loves kites, and yes … I know about that. Honestly? She’s not happy with me being there.” Looked directly at him then. “She loves her father. It’s a strong, fierce love, too. Not anything I would want to, or could ever, change.”

“Thanks. I love her with everything I have. Everything I ever will have.”

“I know. Chris has been very vocal about not doing anything that comes between you and Anna.” Daniel stirred his coffee until the waitress came with their meals.

Mallen ate a bit. Not hungry, even with all that had gone on. Never could find room for the food when a case was already on his plate. Finally gave it up, pushing his plate to the side.

“Are you and Chris happy? Well … do you think you’ll be happy?”

Daniel looked at him for a moment. Nodded. “Yes, we are. And I know that will grow. Once she’s able to come to grips with what happened … with the rape, I think—”

Mallen’s world shifted to the left. Felt like he would fall out of the booth and not hit the ground. Like he would land outside somewhere, maybe even across the street. Daniel picked up on it. Hell, it would take a dead man to not pick up on the change in vibe.

“Ra … rape?” Mallen scratched out. “Rape?”

Daniel sat there. Just stared at him. Mallen imagined he could almost smell the man’s brain burning, knowing he’d just dropped a fucking bomb that would put Hiroshima to shame. “Well … I mean … .”

“She was raped, man? She never told me that. She never told me about that.”

“I’m … I’m sorry, Mark. I had no idea. She never said … ah, fuck … .”

“She told you who, didn’t she? Didn’t she???” Now a couple people in the booth across from them looked over. Uncomfortable.

To his credit Daniel didn’t even try to run a screen. Nodded.

“Who. Who, motherfucker? Who raped her?” The waitress came over but then turned around and left when she caught the look in Mallen’s eyes. “Who?”

“She … she wouldn’t want me to tell you. I know she wouldn’t. She told me so.”

“Look, you blew it. Deal with it, okay? We’re men, right? We blow it all the time. Just fucking tell me. Tell me, now.”

Daniel looked into his eyes. Obviously didn’t like what he saw there. Scared the living fuck out of him. “Never knew his name. All she would say was that it was an Asian man who stank of cigarettes and that he had a—”

“—ponytail.” Mallen looked at the back wall as his mind played out every time he’d ever met Winstons Wong. He got to his feet. Pulled out a couple twenties and tossed them on the table.

“I was going to pay,” Daniel said softly.

“I’ll get this, and you’ll do me a favor,” Mallen replied. Leaned across the table. His eyes were eyes that Daniel had never seen before, and couldn’t look away from. Eyes filled with threat, anger, and enough violence to explode the entire city block. “You’ll say nothing about what you just told me. Not to Chris. Not to anyone. Not to your fucking therapist. Not even to your steering wheel. If you do, well … .” and here he caught himself. Took a deep, very deep breath … . “Well, I can’t stop you, Daniel. You love my ex-wife. My child will be in your hands. The child I love more than the world enough. I only hope you at least wait a day, or something, or whatever, before you tell her. I need that time, man. You get me?”

“How can I not tell her, Mark?”

“Just a day, okay? That’s all I need.” Turned for the door. Stopped. Turned back. “Thanks for the breakfast.”

–––––

Mallen was a block away from Gato’s car when his phone rang. Knew it would be Chris. Daniel seemed like a nice guy, but he was a nice guy in a hard place. This was his new lady. No way Daniel would’ve thrown in with him, but he had to toss the dice anyway. If you don’t try, you for sure can’t win. Checked the number. Yeah … Chris.

“You should’ve told me, damn it,” he said the second he answered the phone.

“And how was I to do that? We talked after you brought me home from … them. You told me about your hand. What they did. And I was suppose to add to that? How could I, Mark?”

“Jesus, Chris … I … I have to do something.”

Silence. “Mark,” she said, “you can’t risk never seeing Anna again.”

He stopped right there on the sidewalk. Overhead was sky. He could smell the ocean. Things that always went on, things that would always go on. “What exactly do you mean, Chris? You’re going to hold that over my head? In order to keep me in line? Visitation rights to my daughter?”

“If you’re going to become a murderer? Then yes.”

“I’m not a murderer. Wong’s committed more crimes than you could imagine. That fucker has to be sent to the locker room on a stretcher or in a box and I really don’t care how.” Took a breath before continuing. “I’m not going to murder him though, Chris. I’ll make him draw down on me first.”

“Mark,” she answered. He could hear the desperation and panic in her voice. “You can’t do that. It ruins all you’ve ever been. Both before you became a junkie, and after. Think of Anna.”

He said it, but later regretted it. “And what if I want to think of you?”

“Then think that. If it keeps you from doing what I think you’re going to do, then think of me.”

“But nothing more than that, yeah?”

“Mark … I’ve tried … but I can’t.” Added quietly, “You don’t understand. Daniel … he’s not in that world. At all. I like that. Need that.”

He stood there as her words echoed in his head. Stared at Gato’s car for a moment, then up into the sky … at the beautiful sky above. Felt that he was now living at a crossroads. Everything he’d hoped for was now somewhere else. In a trash heap? Shithole? Did it matter? All he could find to say was, “I appreciate you trying. Kiss Anna for me.”

There were tears in her voice. “I will.”

“I love you, Chris.” And he cut the call. And cut off the rest of his life. Put the phone back in his coat pocket. Got in the car and pulled the gun from his other pocket. Checked the clip. All good.

“Mallen?” Gato said. “You okay, bro? What was that call?”

“Nothing man,” he answered. “Just Chris being concerned.” Was this what the end of the road felt like? Well if it was then it could go get fucked. And fucked hard. Now he had two tasks that had to, had to be finished: Bring Jessie back to Trina, and kill Wong.

He would be happy to reunite a mother with her child. Sublimely happy.

He would also be happy when Wong met a bullet, especially if the man met that bullet with his forehead. Yeah, that would also make him sublimely happy.