Chapter 1

Carson

My jaw clenches as I listen to my brother Hawk chide me for the tenth time for not getting down to the barn by exactly five o’clock in the morning. The truth is, I’m all of five minutes late, and that was because I was answering a call from somewhere around the world, and I didn’t want Hawk to find out about it. Luke, Mitch and Kurt are busy at work. Grayson, my eldest brother, got off the hook when he went to medical school. Lucky bastard.

“It’s bad enough that I have to keep Mitch and Luke in line, but you, too?” Hawk shouts, with a vein sticking out of his neck, while I watch my other three brothers trot off to get to work in the stable. “You are older than those two boys, man! Set an example!”

“Hawk, relax. I was five minutes late. Give me a break.” I mutter, trying like hell to bite my tongue, before I say something I’ll regret, or worse, blurt what the phone call was about.

“It’s the principle, man! How am I supposed to run this ship when half my crew is late!”

“I’m not half your crew, goddammit! And I was five minutes late!” I raise my arms in exasperation. “And all the time you’ve spent bitching at me, I could have made up my time, you moron!”

Hawk has a hammer in his hand. He tosses it on the floor of the stable so it makes a loud bang, upsetting the horses. “Look.” His voice is flat, direct. “This isn’t the first time that this has happened, in fact, I’ve been keeping my mouth shut for months now, but I’m getting to the end of my rope.”

“You’ve kept your mouth shut? Who are you kidding? You tear a strip out of me every day, Hawk!”

“Look, ever since you started seeing that girl, your focus has been split.” Hawk says, raising his voice an octave. “I’ve noticed, Luke and Mitch have noticed…everyone’s noticed. And she’s not good for you, Carson. I’m telling you it’s time to sever ties with her, before it gets serious.”

“When did you suddenly become an expert?”

Hawk shakes his head. “She didn’t pass the test, man. And even Lullabelle doesn’t like her.” Lullabelle is mama’s favorite horse. Evidently, she senses evil. It’s some crazy theory that my family has believed since forever. They weed out people if their horses don’t like them. It’s crazy, stupid, and the one time my girlfriend Missy shows up after having a shitty day at work, and lost her cool with my brother Luke, now Hawk doesn’t like her. Well, fuck him.

“That is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Missy had an off day. What’s your excuse? You’ve been an asshole for as long as I can remember.”

“I’m serious, man. She’s bad news.” Hawk says.

“So, now this is about Missy, and not about me showing up a whole fucking five minutes late.” I state, irritated.

“It’s both, man. You’ve changed since she’s been around and that’s the truth.”

I look at him. “Well, what about you? Since Grayson went to medical school, you’ve been a total hardass.”

“Well, losing our best hand was tough. I had to get tougher. That’s the way it works. And since he’s fallen on tough times, he doesn’t come around much.”

Grayson’s wife, Kelly, was killed a year ago, but this shit’s been going on since long before that. It’s been years. I haven’t had a moment’s peace for as long as I can remember. I seem to be Hawk’s fall guy. Sure, he picks on Mitch and Luke some, since they’re the youngest ones, but I’m somewhere in the middle, and my brother’s been looking for reasons to rub me the wrong way for a long time.

“Can you blame him? The guy’s hurting, man. You think you’ve got it rough, I can’t imagine what that poor bastard’s going through.”

“I’m not saying I’m not compassionate. I get it. He’s all fucked up over losing Kelly.”

“And him drinking is just his way of dealing with it.”

“I get it. But I can’t be responsible for what he does in his life. He doesn’t live under this roof anymore.”

“So, by that account, you’re free to control those who do live here?” I ask facetiously.

“Carson, you’re slipping. I think you’ve bit off more than you can chew somehow. This girl is all wrong for you and she’s turning you against your family. You’ve never lipped off like this to me before. You never had such an attitude before, either.”

“Are you new?” I bark. “I’ve been miserable around here for years, Hawk! And Missy’s the only person who’s shown me that I should speak up and give myself what little wiggle room I deserve. Shit, this isn’t boot camp, for chrissake! This is home! This is our home! And goddammit, I care just as much about it, Hawk, but for some fucking reason, you’ve got it in for me, and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why.”

“Ever since Missy came into the picture, you’ve changed, is all.”

“Missy? I’ve been with Missy for two years, Hawk. What about all them other years that you treated me like shit, huh?”

“Because I didn’t want to see you waste your life away, hanging around hick bars, picking up girls that are no good for you.”

“And now the one girl that sticks, you don’t like. When is anyone ever going to pass this stupid fucking test of yours, Hawk, huh? Or is it just because you don’t want me to have any sort of fucking life, the way you’ve got Luke and Mitch lambasted?”

“Luke and Mitch are kids, asshole. They need that structure.”

I crane my neck. “What are you, fifty? Damn, Hawk, you’re acting like you’re our daddy, not our brother.”

“Yeah, well, since Grayson left, someone’s got to do that.”

“I don’t need no father. I don’t need no drill sergeant for an older brother, and I certainly don’t need you trying to run my life and judge my girlfriend. Mama stays out of it. I don’t see why you feel the need to bust my ass about it.”

“Mama doesn’t like Missy, either, Carson. You can ask her yourself.”

“That’s bullshit. Mama likes everyone.” I spit in the dirt I’m so pissed off. “And all this time, I could have done something, instead of wasting my breath, fighting with you.”

He ignores my statement. “It’s not the girl we dislike, Carson. It’s how you act around her. How you treat your family since she’s come around.”

I look up at him with my expression flat. “Well, maybe it’s how I’m being treated.”

“It’s a two-way street, Carson.” He says. “I don’t think y’all should bring her around here anymore.”

I laugh without a trace of mirth. “This is my home, too, Hawk. We don’t shut the door in anyone’s face here, so I don’t see why you suddenly have the right.” I’m so angry I feel my fists balling up. I’ve never hit Hawk in my life, and he’s never hit me, either. It’s come close, mind, but him and Grayson are the only two I’ve never struck. Rachel, too. I’d never harm a hair on her head.

“It’s for your own good, Carson. And if you’re smart, you’d trust your family to know what’s best.”

I shake my head, still laughing mirthlessly. Then I speak through my teeth. “You son of a bitch. This is one of them goddamn intervention things, isn’t it.”

He gives me a look like I just asked him what his ass looks like. “Not at all. And where’d you hear about such a thing, huh? Is that Missy again?”

I lift my fist, seething. “You are such an asshole.” I drive the punch, but he catches it in his fist, without breaking a sweat. My chest is heaving, but he’s as cool as a cucumber, irritating the shit out of me.

“This is what I’m talking about, Carson. You’ve never laid a finger on me.”

“That’s because I’ve never been this pissed off at you before. But a man has a limit, and you reached it, you sumbitch.” We’re silent for a moment, almost like a stalemate in the world’s most intense chess match. I try like hell not to say it, but my anger speaks quicker than I can stop it. “I’m leaving.” I nod.

Hawk seems impressed. “Maybe you ought to. Get some air.”

“No, no, I mean leaving. For good.”

A ‘v’ forms between his brows. “Where’re you going to go?” he scoffs.

My face turns serious. Like I’m about to tell him that I’ve only got six months to live. “Afghanistan.”

“Aga-where?” he just about laughs, even though I know that he knows where in the hell that is.

“I joined the military. I’m out of here.” I say, as though it’s a dare.

“You are not.” He whines, like I’ve just played the lamest trick on him, and I’m so full of shit my eyes are brown.

“That’s why I was late getting down here this morning. Got the call to say that I’m starting basic training there.” I lick my lips, searching his eyes. He releases my hand, which has been at eye level since I tried to punch him. “I’m serious, Hawk. I’m so fucking out of here there might as well be tire tracks on the driveway already. You’ll see my tires burn rubber out of this hell hole and out of your fucking ugly face in a week’s time.” I pause for emphasis. “What do you think of that, asshole.”

He swallows. “Does mama know?”

I pause, thinking of a lie, but I can’t. “Not yet.”

“Well, then, brother, you best brace yourself.” He nods. His face is a combination of worried and sorry. “Because you’re about to break your mama’s heart.”

 

***

 

Missy can’t stop crying. Mama didn’t cry, at least, not in front of me, anyway. Missy’s eyes are damn near swollen shut and so red it’s like the worst case of hay fever I’ve ever seen. “How long, Carson?” she asks, her voice wet with tears.

“I don’t know. I’ll know the mission once I pass basic training. But the Sergeant says that it could be at least a year or two.”

“A year?” she scoffs, still crying.

I shrug. “I’ll get vacation and leave and such. This is the only way, Missy.”

“Well, why don’t y’all want to move in with me, you know? I’ve got plenty of room, Carson. And then you wouldn’t have to listen to your brothers grill you twenty-four-seven, at least.”

“No, but then I’ll have to listen to your mother, on account of us living together unmarried, and you being Catholic. I think that’s worse, darlin’.”

“That can be easily rectified, Carson.” She says, guffawing, like my joining the military is more ridiculous than us getting married. But I’m not a marrying man is all. At least not with my life so goddamn unsettled. I’ve been miserable for a long time, and I don’t want to get married like this. Like I’m being forced. Like the reason for marriage is to free myself of my brother. No. That isn’t right. Missy doesn’t deserve that.

“Missy, I...can’t.” I say simply.

She nods. “You don’t want to marry me.” Her voice is even, like she’s telling herself that, as if giving herself a pep talk.

“It’s no that I don’t want to marry you. I just…don’t want to do it just because of this.”

“My folks know that you don’t mix well with your brother. They wouldn’t be too harsh with you.”

I give her a knowing look. “Missy, they’re already harsh with me, because we’re not married, and we’re not living together. I can’t imagine how badly that would go over if we were living together.”

“But, Carson, how am I supposed to move on? How are we supposed to start our lives together if you’re halfway around the world?”

“Missy, we’ve not been together that long, and we’re still young. I…need to do this. I need to have some independence and stand on my own two feet. It’s a great opportunity, too, since I’ll be trained on how to build equipment and machines.”

“But aren’t you going to go back to the ranch when y’all come back? Why do you need to learn how to do all that stuff?”

“Missy, I…I don’t know if I’ll go back to the ranch. Ever. If I get this training, I can work in a lot of different industries. I don’t have to rely on the ranch anymore. It’s…not what I want to do.”

“But you grew up there, Carson. I thought that’s what you wanted to do.”

I sit on her bed, next to her, and bury my head in my hands. “I did…but now it’s all…it’s all fucked up, Missy. I can’t do it anymore.”

She’s laying on the pillows, and she gets up. Her hand goes around me. “I never knew that you were serious about this. I just figured you were blowing off steam.”

“I was blowing off steam. But I was also serious.” I lift my head and look at her. Her eyes are so swollen I feel horrible for it. I never knew that she loved me that much. “I need to do this, Missy. I don’t want to leave you, but I also know that the longer I stay miserable, the longer I’m going to hate everything around me, and I’m so afraid that one day I’ll hate you, too.”

She manages a small smile. “I’d never let you hate me. I love you too much.” That’s the first time she’s ever said that to me. I’ve never said it to her, either.

“I love you, too, Missy.” I look into her eyes. “I really do. But right now, it’s not enough. I can’t have a good future the way things are and you deserve better than that.”

“Can I come to visit you?”

I shake my head no. “I’ll be in basic training, and after that, I’ll be in training, and I’m told that it’ll be likely on battlegrounds, so it’s not safe.”

A fresh batch of tears slide down her cheeks. “But what happens if…” she trails off, letting me fill in the blank.

“I don’t want to talk about that.” I say, dismissing her. “I don’t like to think about that.”

Her face changes. She’s angry. “But, Carson, what happens to me? Have you ever thought about how selfish you’re being? I mean, what am I supposed to do for the next year or two?”

I stare at my hands. “If you want to break up…I understand. I never expected you to wait for me.”

“So, what you just said a minute ago, was it for real? Do you really love me?”

I give her a look. “Missy, if you don’t know that then you don’t know me at all. I only ever speak the truth, now. You’re being ridiculous. And the only reason why I said I’d understand if y’all wanted to break it off is because it’s not fair to you. None of this is fair to you. I get it. But if I stay here any longer for all the wrong reasons, it’ll be way less fair to you. At least this way I can go away, get away from this, get my education and do something that I really want to do. And like I said, when I come back, I’ll have an education and solid training, so I can have a proper career. And then we can make a fresh start.”

“So, why can’t you get an education here?”

“Because I’ve always wanted to do something with the military, Missy. You know that. All those war books I have, and my gun collection, plus that big picture in my bedroom? It’s stuff I’ve dreamed about for a long time.”

“So, then, by you going away now, after having it out with your brother, isn’t that leaving for the wrong reasons?”

I look directly at her, speaking softly. “It was the push I needed. I’d been putting it off for a while. But it seems like God’s leading me there like a horse to water.”

We’re silent for a while, and then she speaks. “I’ll wait for you, Carson.”

“I’ll wait for you, too.” I say, wrapping my arms around her. “I do love you, Missy. Don’t let this sway you. When I come back, we’ll have a fresh start, and you and I can do whatever we want to do. I mean that.”

“Maybe even get married and start a family?”

“Maybe.” I nod. “But let’s not tie ourselves to anything right now, okay? I don’t want to leave like that.”

“Okay.” She agrees.

But in a short while, I’ll find out what was behind those words.

 

***

 

“You’re sure y’all won’t stay, doll?” Mama says. “I spoke to Hawk. He’ll be kinder to you, son.” Her eyes are round like dinner plates, tearing my heart out.

I shake my head. “No, mama, I…I can’t. I need to do this.”

“Okay, son. I understand.” She nods. “Y’all can’t deny a man what his heart is set to do, I suppose. And you aren’t my little boy anymore, either. It’s hard to accept sometimes, but it’s part of life.”

“I’ll always be your little boy, mama. I’ll just be your little boy who lives across the water is all. You can call and write, and I’ll come by for visits when I’m on leave.”

“So long as you don’t put yourself in any danger, Carson.” She licks her lips. “Just…promise me that.”

“I’ll try not to, mama. That I can promise.”

 

***

Hawk

I stare up at the house, holding the manila envelope in my hand, wondering how in the hell I’m ever going to be able to tell my mama that Carson’s missing, and may be dead. That the military is searching for him, after a militant attack in the area where Carson was working, where Carson was kidnapped. But it’s been weeks and they still haven’t found him…at least, not his body, anyway…they’ve found pieces of his belongings that must have been in his backpack.

And it all comes back to me. It’s all my fault. He left because I was much too hard on him. A man can only take so much, and he hit his limit. Part of me thinks that mama’s never forgiven me for that, even though she’s never said as much or shown it in any way. I’m worried about her. More worried than I’ve ever been about anything else my entire life. Sure, I’m bringing another daughter-in-law into her life in short order, and I hope to bring her another grandchild soon, seeing as Luellen wants to try for a baby, but in my heart of hearts, I know that that’ll never make up for what I did. For taking her middle son away and not bringing him back.

Carson could be dead, and I’m to blame. That’s something that you can’t recover from. That’s something that mama will never forgive me for. And the worst part is, it’s something that I’ll never forgive myself for. Question is, how do I tell mama?