Chapter 3

Missy

My bestie Hannah clinks glasses with me as we sit by the pool, sipping the local cocktail, which is some orange juice and champagne concoction that tastes great, even though it’s before noon. We’ve been kicking back here in Hawaii since yesterday. We’re here for two weeks on a deal of a lifetime that neither of us could pass up. I adjust my little umbrella and straw, and follow Hannah’s gaze across the pool.

“What do you think?” she asks, gesturing with her chin towards two very muscular, good-looking men, about to dive into the liver shaped pool.

“Cute. But they’re too good-looking not to be gay.”

She gives me a look. “They’re brothers. Look at them. Same height, same hair color, same face shape. And hey…” Hannah says, watching them leer at a girl walking past them in a white string bikini. “Yeah…not gay. And not subtle, either.”

I chuckle, sipping my drink. “Are you going to go put the moves on them? And if so, which one?”

Hannah’s gaze slides over to me slowly. “I don’t know. Which one do you want?”

My jaw drops as I scoff. “I…have a boyfriend, remember?”

“Who is halfway across the globe, my friend.”

“So? I wouldn’t like it if I knew that he was out canoodling with some woman while I’m here waiting for him.”

“Foolishly.” She adds.

“Oh, don’t start.” I whine.

“I don’t understand why you didn’t break things off with him before he left. If the man doesn’t want to marry you, he’s not worth his salt.”

“He said he loved me. And we’ve been through this a dozen times.” I say, irritated.

“If he loves you then why doesn’t he want to marry you, Missy? You’ve been holding out for him for two and a half years. I don’t get it.”

“Because he’s not ready.”

She ignores my answer. “And you’ve been holding out on him for as long. A man who looks like that isn’t going without. He’s getting it from somewhere else.”

“I know him, Hannah. He’s not the cheating type.”

“Bullshit. They’re all cheaters. Don’t kid yourself.”

My voice raises an octave. “Just because your boyfriend cheated on you doesn’t mean mine will cheat on me. And you promised you wouldn’t talk about that. We agreed to make this trip about getting away, not about roasting your ex.”

She’s not finished. “Did you tell him that he won’t be your first?”

I sip my drink and try to answer as nonchalantly as possible. “No.”

“Missy.” She tuts. “Don’t you think you’ve been leading the guy on for long enough?”

“If I tell him, then it won’t hold up that I want to wait until marriage. And once again, we’ve been through this.”

“I just figured if he said he loves you, then you would have laid all your cards out on the table.”

“Well, I didn’t. He’ll want me to give up my stance on premarital sex and it’ll be over.”

“And why, pray tell, are you so hell bent on this premarital sex thing, anyway? God, you’re almost twenty-five, for chrissake!”

“Because Garrett was just a fling. A summer fling before I met Carson. With Carson, I want to do things right.”

“By lying to him.”

“Oh, shut up.” I sigh. “It’s not like that and you know it.”

“What I also know is that you and Garrett met on yet another one of our summer vacations.” She says suggestively.

My eyes slide over to hers. “I’m not doing it, Hannah. Sure, I made a mistake in the past, but I’m done. When Carson comes back from Afghanistan, he’ll be ready for me, and we’ll get married and do it right.”

“So with Garrett it wasn’t right?”

I remember, dreamily, how great Garrett was. We spent more time in the bedroom than anywhere else. Kept it touch for a while after we parted ways, but then it fizzled. After that, I met Carson, and I knew that I wanted things to be different with him. I didn’t want sex to cloud the relationship, and I wanted to do the Catholic thing and wait until marriage, so it was done right. But Garrett was a fantastic lover, and I’m sure that Carson will be the same. The way he touches me makes me weak, and many times I’ve thought about giving in, but my morals always pull me back.

“No, it was right. So right. But I knew it was just a fling. And I knew the minute that I met Carson that he was the one, and I wanted to do it right from the start.”

“Yeah. You jumped into bed with Garrett awfully quick.”

“Well, wouldn’t you? Do you not remember him? He was the sexiest man alive.”

“And what about Carson?” Hannah asks. “I think he’s way better than Garrett. He’s got that cowboy thing going on.” She shudders.

I slap her playfully. “Hannah Martin I never knew you had a thing for my man.”

“Hell, I’m not ashamed.” She barks. “If I’d been there a second sooner I’d a snatched him up myself. And let me tell you, I wouldn’t be making him wait, neither. I’d a taken him in the coat room that night if I’d been in your shoes. Given him here to. That’s what helps a man know when a woman is right for him. Good chemistry. I’d a given him a good old taste of my chemistry. In a heartbeat.”

My jaw is on the floor. Hannah never talks like this. She must be drunk already. “Well, a drunk man’s words sure are a sober man’s thoughts.” I say, matter-of-factly. “Do I have competition? Now that Carson is not only a cowboy, but he’s also a military man?”

“Oh, honey, I’d never make a move on someone else’s man.” She waves. “But I’m telling you, when he comes home on leave, whenever that is, that boy’s not going to be looking for your mama’s home cooking. He’s been holed up with men all this time, and if y’all don’t give him what he wants, that boy’s going to be less and less willing to give you what you want.”

I’m silent for a beat, digesting that. “You really think so?”

“Honey, I know so. I’m surprised that you didn’t give him something to remember you by before he left. Missy, you’re in this life for you, not to please your folks. Y’all should have given it to him ages ago.”

“But don’t you think that changes things?”

“Well, stupid, of course it does. Y’all got to be ready for it and all. But that doesn’t mean putting it off for all the wrong reasons, neither. Hell, nobody waits for marriage anymore, Missy. Be real. I don’t even think your folks really expect y’all to do that.”

“Oh, I get an earful, trust me. Daddy is terrified of me getting pregnant before being married. Y’all know how much clout that church has.”

“Haven’t y’all ever heard of birth control? Hell, you can stack it if you’re that afraid.” Her voice is flat, like she’s getting bored, even though the two hotties over on the other side of the pool are swimming laps.

“So, you think my folks will be good, so long as I don’t get pregnant?”

She stares down at me from her nose. “Missy, if you ask me, y’all share too much with your folks. You’re an adult. You don’t have to tell them anything, and you surely don’t have to tell them about your sex life. It’s none of their business. Hell, it’s none of my business, and you tell me everything.”

“But what if I go through with it, and then it isn’t what I expected it to be? What if it does screw up what we have?”

“Honey, Carson is so goddamn patient with you, he’s held out for you for two and a half years, with no promise of anything until marriage. I think he’ll be patient with you if the first time y’all hop in the sack with him, that it doesn’t work out.” She takes the last sip of her drink. “Besides, it’s better to find out that y’all don’t mix well in bed now, than when you’re two years into a sexless marriage.”

“And you think that I should tell him about Garrett?”

“I think you should. As long as you’re being open with him physically, y’all might as well be open with him about that, too. Maybe that’s the missing link, sweetie. Maybe that’s why he’s not ready to marry you. Because he senses that something’s going on inside that head of yours, and lo and behold…there is.”

 

***

Carson

Mama and Luke come to pick me up at the airport. Hawk and Mitch are gone to Dallas for a day or two, talking to a horse breeder, but I find it too convenient that Hawk is AWOL on my first trip back home since going to Afghanistan, even though I don’t say as much.

“How’s Grayson keeping?” I ask on the way home. I’d considered staying at a hotel to keep my distance but thought better of it. I’ve already broken my mama’s heart once this year.

“Kurt’s been watching him close, son. He’s not doing well.” Mama says regretfully. “Been drinking more than ever and he hardly comes around on account of his shame.”

“Nothing to be ashamed of if you’re hurting. Of course, he’s probably heard that before, he just doesn’t believe it.”

Mama nods her agreement, but with the same look on her face. “So, are you happy to be home?”

“Kind of. I haven’t been able to get in touch with Missy yet. Has anyone heard from her?”

Luke shakes his head no. Mama frowns. “No, love. She hasn’t spoken to us since you left.”

Luke changes the subject, bless him. “So, what’s it like out there?” Luke’s just called with general ‘how are you?’ type things to say. He’s not much of a phone person, which is fine by me, on account of I’m not, either.

“Kinda like going to school in a tin can. It sounds worse than it is. Very hands-on and the instructors are quite passionate. I never once found my eyes glazing over. Always wondered about that in a non-military institution.”

Luke digests that for a second. “How are the ladies?”

“Not too many of those over there, I’m afraid. But there is a sweet girl who works in the bar off base.”

“She hot?”

Mama swats him. “Mind your manners.”

Luke looks at mama as we pull into the driveway at the ranch. He’s the one driving. “Carson, you got anywhere you need to go? I can drop mama off.”

That’s code for ‘I want to get the juice without mama swatting at me again’, and mama’s not stupid. “You boys go on and get something for supper. I’ll take Carson’s things in.”

“Y’all don’t need to do that, mama. I’ll bring my bag in after we get back.”

“Suit yourself.” She shrugs, giving me a kiss on the cheek, which I reciprocate.

“Luke, let me drive, man. I haven’t driven anything other than a Jeep in months.”

“Y’all want to take your truck? I gassed it up and kept it nice while you were away.”

“Sure.”

We switch vehicles, and I toss my bag in the back seat. He hands me my keys that he had brought with him, the forward thinker that he can sometimes be. “Thanks, man.” I say, sliding the key into the ignition. “God…damn that feels good.”

“So, what are the ladies like, man?” Luke rubs his hands together, excited.

“Like I said, there aren’t many. There’s one in my class, but she’s way too butch to be straight, and she’s got a face on her like a hound, too.”

“What about the one at the bar?”

“Oh, she’s sweet. Nice girl. She’s from Dallas, actually. Tending bar and taking physiotherapy over there.”

“She hot?”

“She’s…pretty.” I lie. She’s very cute, but I’d never say that out loud.

“Y’all got a picture of her?”

I look at him like he just asked me if my dick turned green. “No, I don’t have a picture of her, man. What do you think?” We turn onto the highway, towards the main mall in Dallas. “She’s not up for anything, and, may I remind you, more importantly, that I’m in a relationship.” I scoff. “What’s the matter? The ladies not paying any mind to you lately?”

“Naw, since you’ve been gone, Hawk’s been riding our asses a lot. I haven’t been able to get out to get any action in a while. I think my goddamn dick is shriveling up.”

“T.M.I., man. T.M.I.”

“From what it sounds like to me, yours must be about shriveled up, too.” Luke adds.

“That’s an old wives’ tale. It can’t happen. Not until you’re like seventy or eighty. We’re too young for that shit to happen.” I change the subject. “So Hawk’s been worse since I left? Is it just because there’s more work, or is he pissed off at me and taking it out on you fellas?”

“I think it’s a little of both, man. Me and Mitch keep asking him to hire more help, but he won’t. He’s as stubborn as a mule, and there’s no stopping him.”

“Have you tried talking to mama about it?”

“Naw, she don’t need to hear us griping.” He whines.

“But I do.” I say facetiously.

“You asked, partner.”

I clap him on the shoulder. “You’re right.” I smile at him and he smiles back. “It’s good to see you, man.”

“Good to see you, too.”

“So, have you seen Missy around town, or anything? Man, it’s bugging me that I can’t get in touch with her.”

“Nope. Mama’s right. Nobody’s seen or heard from her since you left.”

“I suppose y’all had that coming. She knows how y’all feel about her.”

Luke raises his hands. “I don’t feel that way about her.”

I clap his shoulder again. “Yeah…yeah, you’re right, partner. You’re the only one who didn’t chomp at the bit around her. And all this bullshit with Hawk about how I act since she’s been in my life, y’all don’t feel that way, either, right?”

He frowns. “Never did. Hell, people change, no matter what. Least, that’s how I feel. Sure, sometimes people change you, but maybe it’s for the better, right?”

“Sure.” I agree, pulling into a spot. We’re silent for a moment, as I manoeuvre the truck properly. I’m about to pull the key out of the ignition, when I have a thought. “Do you believe in all that shit about premarital sex?”

He coughs into his hand, clearing his throat. “What shit?”

“About how if you’re Catholic, you shouldn’t have sex until you’re married.”

“What, or you’ll burn in hell or some bullshit? Naw.” He waves. “I’m a strong advocate of premarital sex on account of how much I’ve had and I’m not married.” He says, trying to keep a straight face. A moment later, we’re breaking into laughter. “These last six months don’t count, right?” he asks, joking.

“I sure hope not.” I guffaw. “And while we’re at it, the last two and a half years, too.”

“You’ve really gone two and a half years without, man?” he asked, almost squeaking.

“Uh huh.” I nod, clucking my tongue.

“Wow, hell, I can’t survive two and a half weeks. I’m fucking dying over here.”

“I’ve been in a classroom with all men for six months. Y’all want to talk about dying?”

“What are you going to do about it, brother?” he asks me seriously.

I shake my head. “I don’t know. Missy wants to get married first, but I know as sure as I’m sitting here, that I’m not ready.”

“You and me both.” He high fives me. “But I know for sure I’m not marrying anyone unless we’ve done the deed first.” He says pointedly. “No offence.”

I lift a hand. “None taken.” I shake my head.

“So, she’s like…twenty-five…and she’s never…?” he trails off.

I nod. “Yeah. That’s what makes it so hard. I know how strongly she feels about it, and I’d never ask her to go against what she believes in.”

“Well, what do you believe in, man?” he asks honestly. “What about if y’all make it to the altar and she sucks in bed, or worse, you do.”

“What if we both do together, man.” I say, still shaking my head. “And not only that, like I said, I’m not ready to tie the knot at any rate. So we’re left acting like pre-teens, making out, and doing high school shit. Plus, she’s so hell bent on upsetting her folks, that she’d rather please them than please us, you know?”

“Sounds to me like you want out, man.” He says levelly. “Can’t say I blame you.”

“I don’t want out. I do love her, it’s just, I don’t know if it’s enough.”

“And you going off to Afghanistan’s probably thrown a wrench in things, too, no offence.”

Another head shake. “Yeah. But I figure if I don’t do it now, I’ll never do it, and I’ll always regret it. That’s one thing about being out there, man. There’s no regret. No family bullshit. No girlfriend bullshit, either. Fine, I’m not having sex, but at least my head’s on straight.”

“My head wouldn’t stay on straight for long if I wasn’t getting any. Good on you.” He scoffs, good-naturedly. “Do you have to sleep in a fucking bunker with these guys, too? How the fuck do you…you know…?” he trails off, making a lewd gesture with his hand at his crotch.

I give him a look like he just asked what my dick looks like. “Never mind, pervert!” I tousle his hair, chuckling. “Dang, you’re worse off than me!”

 

***

 

I finally get in touch with Missy, the day before I have to leave to head back, and she’s as sick as a dog from wherever she went. Caught some nasty flu while she was out there. “Why didn’t y’all send word, Carson?” she asks, all sniffles.

“I tried to. But I guess your folks didn’t pass it on, or, well…I don’t know what.”

“I haven’t seen them since I’ve been home. I told them to stay clear of me. They don’t need to get this. Nobody does. The doctor says to keep away from everyone for at least a week.”

“And you didn’t take your phone along?”

“No, the roaming charges were crazy, Carson. I’ll have to talk to mama and daddy about why they didn’t give you the number to the hotel where me and Hannah were staying.”

“I’ve got one guess.” I say facetiously.

“Carson, I’m too sick to argue with you, so please grant me some patience.”

“I’m sorry, Missy. I don’t mean it.” But I do.

“I miss you.” She says, sniffing, but I can’t tell if it’s from the cold or if she’s crying, and frankly, I’m too pissed off to ask.

“Look, you’re sick, and I’m leaving tomorrow. You haven’t got any more vacation time for a while, right?”

“No. Not for another six months, but I’ll make sure I hear from you first, okay? I promise.”

“And you’re sure you’re too sick for company?”

“Believe me, honey, they won’t let you on the plane if you get this. I had to stay an extra two days until my ears cleared and my fever broke. But it looks to be climbing back up again. I swear, I’ve never been this sick before in my life.”

“Did Hannah get it, too?”

“No, thank God. And she works in a hospital, so she’s got those medical grade face masks, so she’s been coming over and taking care of me.”

“Good. Well, at least you’ll be looked after. I just…I feel bad that I can’t come to see you.”

“I feel bad, too. But there’s nothing that we can do about it.” She changes the subject. “How were things with your family while you’ve been home?”

“Not bad. Not great, either. Hawk’s said three words to me the whole time. Kurt’s been here and there, and I saw Grayson once, but he was too drunk to remember. Good times.”

“It sounds like you were happier in Afghanistan.” She says, and I detect an edge to her tone.

I sigh, irritated. “I suppose I was if I’m being truthful.” I pause for emphasis. “This wasn’t exactly a great visit home. The only person I enjoyed myself with was Luke.”

“I’m sorry, Carson. I know this wasn’t exactly what you had hoped for. I wish things had worked out better. I’ve missed you so much.”

Something occurs to me. I didn’t…really…miss her. I thought about her here and there, but I never missed her. What does that mean?

“It’s…not your fault.” But it kind of is.

I want to talk to her about so many things, but at this point, even if she was feeling well, I’m not sure if I’d have the gumption to do it anymore. I’m deflated. I’m disappointed. And after the past two weeks, all I can think about is getting back to Afghanistan. Back to what now feels like my real home. Where my colleagues and fellow pupils don’t judge me, where my friends don’t push me, and where I don’t have to listen to excuses and lies.

…and where I think I met my first real friend.