Chapter 5

Kerry-Ann

What. A. Night. That’s all I can say. My birthday has never really been anything all that special. In my family, we have get-togethers and parties all the time, and sometimes we squeeze a birthday or two in there, but we never really single anyone out, other than their cake having their name on it. Presents aren’t a big thing, either. We were raised to make things instead of buying them, like Halloween costumes and Christmas decorations, things like that. My mama knits and sews, so we were shown how to do that and make crafts and things. It wasn’t until I started dating my ex that I was taken out to dinner for my birthday.

Tonight was great. Me and Carson laughed and got to know each other better. The more I know of him the more I like him. He’s so sweet and kind. And that hug…lord. I’ve never had a guy pick me up off my feet like that. That was incredible. He’s a big guy, but he’s all heart inside. The men around here are mostly nice, but they’re not like Carson. He’s a real sweetheart, and I can trust him, since he’s got a girl back home, and he takes that very seriously. Not like some of the guys here, who I know for a fact are fooling around on their girlfriends. Which is why it’s going to be a problem at some point.

When I looked into his eyes, I knew if he held his gaze for a second longer, that I’d be thinking about kissing him. That’s so wrong. He’s spoken for. He loves Missy. I can’t have feelings for him. Well, I can, but I have to keep them to myself. Never let Carson or anyone else know. I’m definitely attracted to him. He’s got that soft, sweet, loyal, sensitive kind of nature to him. Plus, he’s so goddamn good-looking I can’t stand it. I sure hope that this Missy girl appreciates him and is behaving herself back home in Dallas. I have half a mind to call her up myself and tell her how well-behaved her boyfriend’s being.

Tonight was also the first time I’d even considered being with someone else since my ex was out of the picture. It took a long time to get over that. But now that I’ve met Carson, I have hope. It didn’t look so good for a long time. After what my ex did to me, I didn’t think I’d ever be attracted to or feel comfortable enough around another man to do anything about it, again. So, in a way, as much as I can’t have Carson, I think that there’s a purpose to him coming into my life. I can finally let my guard down and feel again, and at least this way I know that there won’t be any pressure, either, since he’s taken.

“Who’s the dude?” my classmate, Tony, asks. He’s a little too nosey for my liking, and he seems to have a little crush on me, but he’s sort of perverted about it, turning me off in a big way.

“What dude?”

“I saw you coming into the bunker last night with a dude. He’s not in our program.”

“So?”

“So, who is he?”

“Why do you care? What is it of your business?” I scoff. “And more important, why are you watching me coming into the bunker? What, are you, stalking me or something?”

He’s sitting in a desk with his feet propped up on the opposite desk. He’s scraped the leg of the desk over, leaving a big black mark on the cream linoleum floor. “Don’t flatter yourself, Pop Tart.” He loves to call me that, and I’m sure that it has some sexual innuendo attached to it. None of the girls tell him off, but probably because they all have a crush on him because, yeah, he’s very good-looking, but he’s also got an ego the size of my house. “I was running some things over to the lab for someone, and I happened to see you with a guy that I don’t recognize.”

“There you go.” I frown. “He’s nobody you know, so you don’t need to know who he is.”

“He’s from base, though, right? He was wearing a uniform.”

“Very good. Gosh, you’re so intelligent.” I say facetiously.

He grins as though I was serious. Like I would actually compliment the asshole. “You had a good time.” He says, and the way he says it, he’s indicating that me and Carson did something lewd together.

“It’s none of your business.”

“You like him.” He pokes teasingly.

Nobody else is in the classroom yet. We’re the first ones here, and I make a mental note to be at least a few minutes later next time. He’s the biggest suck up on the planet, because he’s really not that smart, so being on time is his only real strength. Some of the others get here just on time, and one is always a minute late, but luckily, the teacher doesn’t say anything, because it’s always literally just a minute late, like the girl somehow forgets to put a shoe on or something. “He your new boyfriend?”

I take a seat, pulling my notes out of my bag, trying to ignore him. But ignoring him only spurs him on. “So, you do like him.”

“I like him as a friend. And once again, it’s not your business.”

“Friend.” He snorts a laugh.

“I’m not sure how you have your foot in your mouth, head in your ass, and nose in my business, yet here you are you fucking wizard.” I seethe.

He’s still laughing, spurring me on. I swear he’s enjoying this. “You ought to be careful. You had that look in your eyes, like you liked it too much, you know, when he picked you up off the ground and all. I think he wanted to take you up against the wall or something.”

“Or something, asshole.” I say poignantly. “He’s got a girlfriend back home.”

“I noticed that he’s got an accent like you. He your homeboy?”

“He’s from Texas, jerkwad.”

“Oh, so he is a homeboy.” He sucks his teeth. “And it doesn’t matter if he’s got a chick back home or not. Out here all bets are off.”

“Yeah, to idiots like you, that can’t keep their dick in their pants.”

He chuckles mirthlessly. “Don’t kid yourself, Pop Tart. He’s thinking the same thing that you are.”

I look at him, thinking he’s right, but I won’t swear to it. “He’s not thinking anything except that we’re friends.”

“Wake up and smell the coffee, Pop Tart. He wants to bang you, just like every other dude here, that can get into your pants. There’s at least six times more men here than women, honey. Don’t kid yourself.”

“And he loves his girlfriend. He’s not going to make a move on me.”

“Oh, he will.” He sucks his teeth again. “If he’s got blood running through his veins, he’s going to, eventually. You want him to keep it real with his girlfriend, you should steer clear of him. It’s only a matter of time. Based on him hugging you like that, and then picking you up, like in some cheesy romance flick. He’s got it bad for you.”

“You’re so full of shit your eyes are brown. You haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about. It was my birthday, asshole. He was just wishing me well.”

He looks at me poignantly. “Here’s a birthday piece of advice then. We’ll call it a gift. He’s got it bad for you. Stay away from him if you don’t want him to ruin what he has with his chick back in Texas. There is no way a man can go that long without being with his mate, without cheating. You’re it. He’s going to bang you at some point. And you’re going to give in, on account of you letting him hold you like that. Trust me. I know what I’m talking about, Pop Tart.”

Another student comes to the door, and then another, while Tony sits there with this smug look on his face, that I’d like to wipe off with my fist. And I can’t help but wonder if he’s right. Even though he’s creepy and coy in all the wrong ways, he may be right. I do feel something for Carson. I feel a lot and I hardly know him. I’m scared for if I really get to know him, and I start falling for him. I don’t think I can take more heartbreak. And I would hate myself if Carson started making the moves on me, knowing that I’m helping to ruin the perfectly good relationship that he has back at home with Missy.

We both had that look in our eyes, like we were about to kiss. He had it. I had it. There’s no two ways about it. Had our eyes locked for a second longer, I think it would have happened. And then I’d be no better than my asshole ex-boyfriend. Then I’d have to live with the fact that I helped ruin a relationship, just like my asshole ex-boyfriend’s now wife ruined our relationship. And then I’d have yet another regretful thing I would get to live with for the rest of my life, as if it didn’t take me this long to get through the first thing.

And as it comes time for class to end, I do the unthinkable. “Hey, Tony, have you got a practice partner?”

He seems to have dropped down a peg or two, seeing as we were just handed a huge assignment, and sometimes I wonder if Tony has it in him to get through this class. I know for a fact that he has to work a lot harder to get there than the rest of us do. “No.” he shakes his head.

“You want to pair up?” I offer, and somehow, I feel like it’s a truce.

“Yeah, sure.” He nods, picking up his bag.

Then I remember how I told Carson to meet me at the lab at the same time today. He doesn’t have any idea where my class is, so he’d never find me. “How about we do it in here, say around four-ish?”

“Yeah, sure.” He nods again, and I almost feel bad for him. I think if he could screw his way through school, he would. But our professor is a dude. A straight dude; married. And all the other girls, however few that there are, have caught on. As we meet up, hours later, I can see Carson from the window, walking towards the lab, and my heart sinks. Tony follows my gaze. “You’re doing the right thing, Pop Tart. I mean it.” He says.

I nod. “Yeah. I know. I just wish I didn’t have to snub him like that. He’s going to be looking all over for me, and I couldn’t come up with a decent enough lie for him.”

“You want me to go talk to him for you?”

And then he would expect something in return. Not that he doesn’t already. “No, that’s fine. He’ll figure it out.”

But he doesn’t. And three months pass before I see him again.

 

***

 

My back is turned as I serve a customer a bottle of beer. He’s been leering at me all night and I’m just about ready to give him here to. The ladies in wet t-shirts are coming on soon, so hopefully that’ll be a good distraction. And as I turn around, I see another body has filled a seat by the bar. “Hey, stranger.” It’s Carson. He’s looking as good as he did the last time I saw him.

“Hey.” I manage a small smile, feeling badly for throwing him for a loop the last time I saw him. He never did come back to the lab. I think he got the message.

“How have you been keeping…been a while.”

“Good.” I sigh. “Going home on leave in a couple of weeks.”

“Yeah, me too.” He nods. “Hey, what…happened? Y’all asked me to come out and you never showed up. I went back three times and y’all weren’t there.”

Shit. “Um, yeah, sorry about that. I had other commitments.”

He nods, looking at me. “You know you’re a really shitty liar.” I can’t tell if he’s pissed or just leveling with me over the din of music.

I choose not to say anything in response. “What are you having?”

“How about the truth.” He says directly.

I lick my lips and take a deep breath. “Alright, fine.” I swallow. “I didn’t want to screw around with what you had going on at home.”

He tilts his head. “What, a man and a woman can’t be friends without any hanky panky going on, is that it?”

“I saw it, Carson. Y’all wanted to kiss me, and I’m not going to lie, I wanted to kiss you, too, especially with it being my birthday and all.” I lick my lips again. “I don’t want to make that mistake.”

He considers that for a moment, looking at me, and I detect a slight longing expression on his face, like he did want to kiss me so bad, and he still does. Am I imagining it? Is my head so far up my ass, like the way Tony says it is?

“Look, I would have kissed you. But it would have been just to say happy birthday is all.”

“Weak.” I say, tight-lipped. “It would have turned into much more with the way that you picked me up off the ground and all. That wasn’t a regular hug.”

“It was your birthday, darlin’. And y’all seemed to really need a hug. The way you held me…Nobody ever held me like that for a long time, darlin’. And sure, I won’t lie to you, it felt great. But I’d never sacrifice what I have back home, nor would I have to. I know you’re not going to cross that line any more than I am.” His voice turns soft, calculating. “It’s a shame that you feel this way, Kerry-Ann, because I really like you…as a friend. I haven’t had a female friend for as long as I can remember. I wish you felt differently about all this.”

My heart sinks. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel badly, Carson.”

He changes the subject after a beat, lowering his head. “I went home…to see my family and Missy.”

“Oh yeah? How did it go?”

“My brother’s still being a jackass, and Missy was good, but I don’t know, something’s…off. I really wanted to talk to you about it.”

“What do you mean?” I notice that his partners in crime are already ordering drinks and practically ignoring Carson. I suppose he’s right. He doesn’t have too many friends here, and I guess he really does feel a unique connection with me.

“Missy’s changed the company that she works for. She’s doing really well with it and all, but I don’t like this guy that she’s mixing with. He’s engaged and all, but that fact doesn’t seem to hold up for me. They have a past. They dated before me and Missy met. I just get this strange feeling, like they share some private joke, you know? I’m not sure if I’m just being paranoid because I’m like a zillion miles away from her, or what. But I picked up on it with her friend, too.”

“Y’all think she’s…cheating?”

“I don’t think so. But it’s almost like an alibi for her. Like she can hang around with anyone she wants to and behave however she wants to, because she’s got this strange morality protecting her. Like she can flirt and do whatever because she’s celibate. But it doesn’t make it any better. We had a huge fight over it and she gave me here to. I left without her even saying goodbye.”

My face falls. I could never do that to him. He’s so sweet and kind. “I’m so sorry, Carson. But it’s important for you to voice how you feel.”

“Yeah, and that’s the thing. It’s like she went off her rocker for me even mentioning it. What’s that saying? The lady doth protest too much, methinks?”

I smile. “That’s awesome.”

“Anyway, she called me on it. I ended up telling her about you, and how we went out for dinner, and she blew up. Like what I did was so much different than what she’s doing.”

“What’s she doing?”

“Well, like I said. Hanging around this guy. I get it that they work together and all, but I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit.”

“But you said that he’s engaged.”

“So? I don’t like the way he looks at her. The guy’s engaged but you’d never know it. I get it that she’s beautiful, and everyone knows that she and I are together and that she’s got this…thing going on.”

“What thing?” I ask, confused.

He waves. “It’s kind of gross, at least I think it is. You ever heard of the term ‘V-Card’?”

I nod. “Uh huh. It’s one of them buzz words. I never use it.”

“It means that she’s still a virgin, right?”

“Far as I know.”

“Well, it’s almost like it’s turned into a game or something. Like some high school thing. It’s sick and I don’t like it. Being a virgin, for Missy, is about her religious beliefs, not about some twisted competition. She’s the only one in her circle that’s still inexperienced, as far as I know, and she’s acting like she’s some sort of prize for still…having it. It’s weird. She’s changed. It’s him that’s changed her. I don’t like it.”

I look up at him, half-heartedly. “You sure she still has this ‘V-Card’?”

“If she doesn’t, I’ll kill her.” He says, half-mirthlessly. “But she’s lost that sweet, innocent attitude she had. I’m not sure if it’s because of me being out here for so long, or what.”

“Well, was she happy to see you?”

He nods. “At first. But that was only until this dipshit came over to her house. Acted like he owned the place.”

“Did she know that you were coming home?”

“Well, this time, yes. She was home. It’s like she asked him to come over while I was there or something.”

“Do you think she did?”

“Unless he’s just coming over that often. Whenever he pleases.” He says. “And her best friend was over, too. Like she didn’t want to be alone with me or something. Or at least, not long enough for us to catch up.”

“And, by catch up, you mean…” I trail off, letting him fill in the blank.

“Like I said, we don’t have sex, Kerry-Ann. We do lots of other stuff, but that’s it.”

“And when you told her about it, she started a fight.”

“Yeah. A bad one, too.”

“Did she break it off?”

“No. We just fought.”

“And what is it about the other guy that y’all don’t like?”

“He’s fine and all, but he just looks at her…different than he should. He talks about his fiancé and all, so that part makes me feel better, but just the way he looks at Missy…I don’t know.”

“Well, does he look at her friend like that, too?”

He shakes his head no. “No. He barely even looks at her. And when he was talking to me, it was like he was paying way too much attention. Like he’s being overly nice. Like he’s feeling guilty for something.” He pauses. “You should be a therapist.” He says, matter-of-factly, breaking up the seriousness.

“I did take psychology in my first and second year.”

“Well, it shows.”

I smile warmly. “I’m not going to lie to you, Carson. It’s hard having a long-distance relationship. Especially when it’s…unique like this. Sex creates a bond between two people that’s impossible to match, and when you’re not having sex, that bond isn’t there. At least, it would be rare if there were such a unique bond without it. And it sounds like Missy’s lost a few points in either personality or intelligence. It’s hard to tell which. Sometimes we meet people who are a great influence and other times we meet people that bring out the worst in us. Maybe this guy is the latter.”

“I think I should write to her. Tell her how I feel about all this.” He says honestly. “Talking over the phone doesn’t work. It’s always a quick hello. Five minutes tops.”

“If you think that’ll help. Go for it. If nothing else, it’ll make you feel better. Get it off your chest.” I pause, handing him a bottle of water. “Are you going back home for Christmas?”

“I’m going to apply for leave, yes. But I’m starting to feel like I need to stay at a hotel or something. At home I set Hawk off. At Missy’s place I set her off. Not that I stay there or anything, but at least if I’m in a hotel, she can come visit me, and that shithead won’t be able to interrupt.”

“That’s a great idea, Carson. But make sure y’all visit your mama a lot.”

“Will do.”