Chapter 7

Carson

Well, I did it. I applied for leave. But it’s not looking good at all. This mission is becoming a nightmare in short order, and my project keeps getting pushed further back. I received word last week that Lisa had her baby, but I can’t bring myself to call home, not after the last time. It’s becoming far too painful, and the guilt is too much to bear right now. I see the pictures, but I don’t make any comments, or draw any attention to myself at all. I don’t need the guilt. I don’t need the pressure to come home. Most of all, the worst part is, that I do miss home. I miss a lot of things, in fact, but I’m in a tight spot.

One of the guys from my battalion was killed yesterday. It’s tough over here. We’re trying to move to safety but it’s difficult, and with one man down, it’s even more difficult. He was a good guy, too, and it was my first time watching a man die. Never been so goddamn scared in all my life. It’s tough to bounce back after that. Very tough. And it’s just thanks to God that my phone is ringing when we get to a safe spot at sundown. “Hey, fucker! How the hell are you!” it’s Chase, my old buddy from the other base.

“I’m doing okay, man, how are you?”

“I’m doing just fine. Going home. Thought you might want to keep in touch, man.”

“Love to. Y’all know that I’m out in Texas though, at least, when I’m done here, that is.”

“You’ll never be done here, man, it’s in your blood.” He chuckles.

“I was just going to say the same thing to you.”

“Yeah. My schooling is all done, and I got accepted for a position back home in Florida. Not sure where I’ll be living though, since the position is sort of remote. Hard to explain.”

“Sure, I get it.”

“Anyway, thought I’d give you a call, and let you know that I’m heading home for good.”

“Good to hear that. I’m far off doing that. Lost a man out here yesterday. It’s pretty hairy.”

“Oh, shit, sorry to hear that, man. Glad it wasn’t you, though, gotta say.”

“Yeah, thanks. Anyway, you be sure to keep in touch.”

“And you, too, buddy.”

I hang up to him with a smile on my face. The smile lasts all day, even though it’s not on my face, it’s in my heart. But as we cross enemy lines, we see a barrage of soldiers coming our way, and I get the first sinking feeling I’ve ever had in years. Mama always tells me to trust my gut and I do.

…And it’s the last thing I see for a long time.

 

***

Hawk

The envelope is chewed up in places, as if it came from the other side of the planet, and it did. The letter clearly states that my little brother has been lost in combat and presumed dead. It gives no further instructions. No details about a military funeral. Nothing. And I can’t bear to show mama. Not yet. Not until I get solid proof that Carson is dead. With my fiancé laying in bed, waiting for me to return, I decide that the best thing for me to do right now is to keep this to myself, until I hear anything further.

The contact name at the bottom, where the signature is, gives me at least an indicator of someone that I can reach out to, and I plan to. It’s the middle of the night, so I decide that across the globe, they’re probably just having lunch, and therefore it would be the best time to call. I sit on the porch and look up a number, and after being passed through about a dozen more people, I get to the guy who signed the document. “This is Hawk Thomas, Carson Thomas’s brother. We just received a document in the mail regarding him. Are you able to tell us more?”

The man, Lieutenant Fothergill, speaks in a firm voice. “We’re still working on our recovery efforts, I’m afraid. At this moment, information is privileged. I can’t go into more detail at this time.”

“Well, I’ll give you my number. Can you please give me a call as soon as you hear anything? I’m not telling our mama until I know for sure.”

“I understand, son. I’ll do the best I can.”

After I hang up to the Lieutenant, I sit there on the porch for hours, thinking. The way that Carson left, if he’s dead, I’ll never forgive myself. The relationship that we had was so fragile yet tumultuous. We never got along. I was so hard on him. I’m the reason he’s there. I drove him there with my ironclad work ethic and strong words. The man has never felt comfortable enough to set foot in his own house because of me. His relationship with that woman is long over, but the damage is done. It’s my fault. I was a complete asshole, riddled with my own resentment for things I’d never done in my life, things that I should have done, and things that I’m doing now that are long overdue.

If it hadn’t been for Lu coming into my life, I’d still be this stiff, unreasonable asshole. She’s softened me up. Made me see the light. I have Lu to thank for bringing me back to life after all these years. She’s a godsend. She’s my solace. And she’s about to become my wife now. She’s already my whole life. If Carson never comes home and gets the privilege of meeting her, I’ll never forgive myself. There are so many things that were never said between us, that should have been. I was awful to him. I made my other brothers treat him awful, too. Mama always had this look in her eyes, like she knew that her little boy had gone someplace far away inside his head and his heart, and it wasn’t until just recently that her little boy finally came back. And now her other little boy may be gone for good. And it’s all my fault.

“Hey.” I hear a little sleepy voice behind me say. It’s Luellen. She’s in her pyjamas and robe, and she looks so dozy it’s adorable.

“Hey, darlin’.” I say, rising to kiss her on the head. “How come you’re up?”

“I was about to ask you the same thing.”

“Oh, darlin’, I couldn’t sleep.”

“Well, I couldn’t sleep without you, either.” She sees the envelope in my hand. “What’s this?”

I rake a hand through my hair. “Oh, Lu…” I trail off. “It’s just…it’s some real bad news. It’s…nothing to do with you, mind, but…it’s bad news all the same.”

Her face is laced with concern. “What’s wrong, Hawk?”

I battle with myself for a moment, trying to decide if I should tell her or not, but then I realize, there are no secrets between Lu and I, nor do I ever want there to be. So I tell her. I let it all out. All the stupid things I did over the years. All the unfair, unfounded, and outrageous things I did to push my little brother away, and she just sits there, sliding her fingers through my hair as she listens to me unload on her, and not an inch of her gets upset with me or looks at me any different. And I love her for it.

“And what can you do, Hawk?” she asks me.

“Just wait at this point. They’re still looking for him, honey.”

She looks up at me and kisses my nose. “You’re forgetting something else that you can do, baby.”

“What’s that, sweet pea?”

“Pray.”

 

***

 

Try as I do to hide it, my mama can see right through me, and she knows that something is terribly wrong. We’re in the pasture, getting ready to take the horses out for a run, all of us, and she just comes out with it. “What’s eating you, Hawk?”

My brothers kind of ignore her, busying themselves with the horses, as do the ranch hands that are gathered around us, as we make a team effort of the task. “It’s nothing, mama.” I lie.

“Don’t you lie to your mama, now, Hawk.” She warns. “Something wrong with Luellen, darlin’?”

“Yeah, he’s probably already knocked her up.” Mitch teases. Normally, I’d go over and pound him for the comment, but I just don’t have the strength.

“Geez, Hawk. There must be something really up, man. You didn’t even respond to that, and it was a clear opening for you.” Luke says.

I swallow. “I got a letter from the military…late this morning. It was in the mailbox…I’d…gone out to fix it, or try to, anyway.”

Mama’s face says that she’s already figured it out, but she keeps a stiff upper lip. My brothers take steps towards me. “What did it say, Hawk?” Mama asks, but her voice is firm, like she’s not ready to accept it yet, that one of her boys may be dead.

“It wasn’t good news, mama.” I say, my gaze is on the ground. “Carson’s missing…and…presumed dead.”

“What?” Luke is in shock, but his voice betrays him, as he sounds more angry or agitated.

“They’re still looking for him, mind. I spoke to the Lieutenant this morning. He couldn’t say much, of course, being all confidential business, but I gave him my number, so I expect a call.”

“Well, then, we’ll pray until then, son.” Mama says simply, after a beat.

“That’s exactly what Luellen said, mama. She’s been praying with me all morning since we found out.”

Mama’s quiet. Bless her. “Well, there’s no use standing around, worrying. Just like everything else that’s difficult in life, y’all keep going and praying all the same. God will show us the way, Hawk.”

“Yes, mama.” I nod. Luke closes his jaw, trying to compose himself. He looks like he wants to puke. Mitch seems cemented to the grass underfoot. And just as I’m about to pull the reigns on Lullabelle to mount her, my phone rings. They all look at me expectantly, and sure enough, it’s Lieutenant Fothergill calling me. I purse my lips, with a look that lets them all know that it’s the call I’ve been expecting.

“Morning, Lieutenant.” I say, not thinking about what time of day it is where he’s calling from.

“Morning, Mister Thomas.”

“Please…call me Hawk, sir.”

“Err…certainly.” He clears his throat. “Hawk, the troops finished cleaning up the site where the militant attack took place. I’m afraid that one of the bodies was your brother’s. His dog tag was still intact around his neck.”

I bend at the waist, trying to catch my breath. Mama comes to my side, resting her arm around me, like she didn’t just find out that her son is dead.

“The body is going to be shipped later today, off base, to a safer area, before we can complete the paperwork and ship him back to you for a burial. We’ll need someone to come out and identify the body.”

“I’ll do it.” I say without hesitation. It’s the goddamn least that I can do for all I put my brother through. “Just…tell me where I need to go.”

“My assistant will follow up with details once they’re available.”

“Okay.” I say, my voice quivering.

“Sorry for your loss, son.”

“Thank you.”

When I hang up, I wrap my arms around mama, and we weep together. Luke and Mitch come around, as we engage in a group hug, weeping, feeling each other’s pain, holding each other as we lose another family member, this one much younger than daddy. My heart utterly bleeds for mama. She’s never lost a child, and I hear that’s worse than burying your spouse, which is what mama’s already had to do in her lifetime. I’ll never forgive myself for bringing so much pain to my mama and to my family. I’ll never forgive myself for how much pain I brought my brother Carson. But most of all, I’ll never forget my beloved brother, who never hurt a soul and spent his life working hard and trying to do what was right. God bless him. God keep him forever.

Mama suddenly lifts, wiping her tears, gasping. “Gosh, we better tell Grayson and Kurt.”

“What about Rachel?” Luke asks, tearfully. “We don’t want to upset her when she’s with child, mama.”

“Oh, darlin’, we can’t wait that long to tell her.”

“Mama,” I interrupt. “Why don’t we wait. I…I have to go identify…” I can’t get through the sentence without sobbing again. “I have to go….” I trail off again.

“Oh, Hawk, another one of my boys is not going over there, so help me God.”

I lift a hand. “No, mama, they’re shipping him out somewhere safe, so I can identify him. Then they’ll ship him home for a burial.”

“Can’t they use fingerprints or something, Hawk?”

Luke gets a look on his face again, like he wants to puke. “What if the body didn’t have any fingers, man.”

Mama winces, lifting a hand, and I wrap my arm around her again. “Y’all want me to go with you, Hawk?” Mitch offers.

“No, that’s okay. I’ll need you two to stay back. And I think I need to do this alone, man. But thanks.”

“Luellen can stay at the main house while you’re gone, Hawk.”

“I’ll tell her, mama. And thanks.”

 

***

 

Luellen is such an angel. She’ll take good care of the family and make sure that they all stick together through this rough time. My heart is completely at ease knowing that she’ll stay with mama. I feel badly that mama’s going to find out about us being engaged this way, but maybe it’ll put a smile on her face. Mama adores Lu, and hopefully them talking about another wedding will help bring a little bit of joy at such a difficult time. The flight is a blur, and I have no sense of time or space by the time I arrive.

I’m given specific instructions on where to go and to whom I should speak, and I follow it piece by piece, to the second. And when I’m finally brought to a hospital, to a room in the bowels of the place, I feel a chill in the air, and I know that I’m in the morgue. Everything is either white or gray, and every surface looks like it can be wiped off easily, like in a surgical room. Tiny doors are lined on one wall, and it gives me shivers just thinking about what’s behind them. When a man in a white smock appears, next to another man, in a military uniform, I know it’s time.

The man in the smock rolls out the body from inside the wall, and it’s covered in a sheet. The body looks misshapen, and I don’t even want to try and piece together where what is, as I’m already feeling the bile creep up my throat. “Mister Thomas, I just need a nod.” The man in uniform says. I look at him and the man in the smock lifts the sheet off the body, only enough so I can get a peek of the face. My eyes are closed at first, and when I look down, I have to look twice.

“Th…this is not my brother.” I stammer, not recognizing the face, even after looking again closely.

“Are you sure?” the man in uniform asks.

“Yes. I’m positive. This is not Carson Thomas.”

“Please wait here a moment.” The Lieutenant says and directs me to sit down. I want to throw up so bad and my hands are trembling. Of all the lowlife things to do to a guy. Make him fly all the way past Hell’s Half Acre to identify his brother’s armless body, only to make him glance at the wrong one. I’m a combination of mad and nauseous. Worst part is, I get to look at another body, sort of a take two on this karma that has finally decided to come take a bite out of my ass.

The Lieutenant returns ten minutes later, when I’ve listened to the tick tocking of the wall clock, and the sound is deafening in this tiny room that smells like mothballs and surfactant. “Mister Thomas, I’m afraid that there has been a mistake.”

“I’ll say. Did you find where my brother is?”

“No, sir. But we’re working on it.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“Sir, we will have you sit at our base for now, while we figure out the problem. It may take some time, so we will have to keep you on standby.”

“Okay.” I nod, thinking that this is the worst goddamn vacation ever. But I had it coming. This is God’s way of punishing me for my wrongdoing.

I don’t dare call home and tell them what’s happened. I wouldn’t dare shed an inch of hope on my family for this mishap. I’m sure that the mess that was cleaned up wherever my brother was, was horrible to say the least. I’m sure that this is a very gruesome case of the missing body or body parts, and I wince just thinking about it. What poor bastard gets the job of filing away this limb and that, my heart goes out to.

I’m here in the middle of what I think is middle earth, in a room on some sort of military bunker, for two days, while they sort out what’s happened. Two days of silence. Two days of nothingness. Two days of nothing but praying like hell that there is one tiny shred of hope in all this nightmare. With nothing but a final pair of fresh underwear to use and a drop of shampoo left in my travel bag, I make the decision to hunt down this Lieutenant Fothergill and give him here to, when I hear a knock at the door.

I’m handed a plane ticket and given instructions as to where to go. The man who hands the package to me doesn’t speak a word of English. Thankfully the package has English directions on it, however clear, since much of it is military jargon that I don’t understand. And as I read it, I learn that the only four words that make any sense to me read, ‘Carson Thomas room three sixteen’.

 

***

 

I’m in a military hospital in the middle of Afghanistan, wherever Carson was stationed. I won’t even try to pronounce the name of the town where I’m in, because it isn’t even English lettering. My faith in our military system is completely lost, seeing as now I’m another six hour plane trip away from the first nightmare, and I’m about to embark on part two of said nightmare. Surprising me, when I reach the ward where I’m told to go, the same Lieutenant that was in the other hospital, greets me, and I wonder if he, in fact, was on the same flight.

“We apologize for the inconvenience, Mister Thomas.” He says. “This won’t take a minute.”

I’m ready to climb the stairs down to the morgue, when I’m brought over to a strip of rooms enclosed in plastic, separated by doors. And I realize that it’s an intensive care unit. Thinking that the person maybe just died, I’m completely confused. I’m about to ask what the fuck is going on, when I see him through the glass. My little brother Carson, laying in a bed, with a slew of tubes hanging out of him, and I feel my breathing hitch. Until I see the heart monitor moving, I don’t realize that the sumbitch is still alive. Tears start to well up in my eyes as I see his chest rising and falling.

“Is this your brother, sir?” the Lieutenant asks.

I gasp, letting a tear fall. “Son of a gun, yes. This is Carson Thomas.”

“We’re awfully sorry for the misunderstanding, sir.” The Lieutenant explains. “Another body had his dog tag on it, but it must have been transferred by mistake. Your brother was the only survivor of the militant attack, and we couldn’t place him until you came out here.”

“That’s okay, man. He’s alive. That’s all that matters.”

“From what I’ve been told, he’s barely alive, sir.” The Lieutenant continues. “He’s lost a lot of blood, he’s already had surgery to repair internal bleeding, and based on how he arrived, we’re certain that he’s paralyzed. He’s hanging in there, mister Thomas, but we aren’t promising anything.”

I look up at him. “Well, as my mama always says, how about we let the good Lord decide that, huh. As sure as I’m here, he’s still alive, and if I’ve got to stay here day and night, praying for him, goddammit, I will. Anything he needs you give it to him. There is no price I won’t pay.”

“Yes, sir.” He nods. “I’ll go let the doctor know that you’re here.”

“Thank you.”

I take a seat in the chair next to the bed, and I look at him. He looks just like he did when he left home years ago. Not aged a bit. It’s like time’s stood still for the little guy. Only, he’s not a little guy anymore. Carson Thomas is a soldier. Plain as day. It’s like looking at the Hulk in a hospital bed. He’s had his face cleaned off with a rag of some sort, as I can see a line of grime where they stopped mopping him up. His hair is dirty and caked with blood, slicked back from sweat, and he’s got a cut on his lip that’s dried. Aside from that, he’s the same old Carson.

The cervical collar around his neck keeps his head stiff like a Ken doll’s; unmoving. A ventilator is forcing him to breathe, mechanically, in and out, while an oxygen mask covers his nose and mouth. A lit white clip pinches his right index finger, measuring oxygen saturation, and a bulky rubber tube is delivering fluids and medication to his body through a needle inserted into his hand. Another tube, blood red, is delivering the obvious to him, through the same sort of bag, all of which are hanging on a metal pole next to the bed.

As I observe all the little machines that are keeping him alive, I look at his left hand, which is on my side, and I take it in my hand. I remember when he was just a kid, and we used to fight all the time. Carson and I are so similar in nature, which is why we always think the other is wrong, because we both think we’re right. I did a lot of judging, which I wasn’t entitled to do, of his girlfriend, of his life, of his career. I was a complete asshole to him, and I know it now. I’ve known it for a long time, and I’m ashamed of myself for never telling him so. Now it may be too late.

I figure if he’s still alive, maybe he can hear me, and maybe God’s giving me one last chance to make amends with him. “Hey, buddy.” I murmur to him, watching his chest rise and fall. I almost picture him turning his head over, telling me to shut the hell up so he can sleep, but he doesn’t. “I’m glad you made it, man. I was told that you didn’t. Sure glad they were wrong.” I draw in a deep breath and let it go slowly. “Bet you’re wondering what I’m doing here, huh. Why I didn’t send Luke or Mitch, or even Kurt, since they’d be more fit. No, I figure it’s high time.”

I look up at him, and I can’t bear it. I can’t bear the thought of losing him. The tears start to flow down my cheeks as I clasp his hand in mine, holding it close, almost giving his hand a hug. “I…was such an asshole to you, man. I don’t blame you for a second for leaving like you did. And I blame you less for never coming back.” I gasp, sniffling, letting the tears pour down my cheeks. “I never had a right, Carson. Never did. I was cruel to you. Heartless. Never gave you an inch of credit. And I stole any confidence you could have had, when I should have been building you up, not tearing you down.”

I’m sobbing. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Another sob. “I’m so fucking sorry, Carson. If I could take it all back, I would. Goddammit I would.”

I’m sobbing so bad I don’t hear the doctor come in. “Err…sir?”

I lift my head. “Yes, sir.” I sniff.

“Sorry to interrupt. Are you…mister Thomas?”

I’m surprised that the doctor speaks English. I rise. “Yes, sir, I’m Hawk, Carson’s older brother.”

“Pleased to meet you, sir. I’m doctor Evans.”

“Oh, thank God. No offence, but I haven’t seen too many English-speaking folks around here.”

That gets a tight smile. “I’m American, sir.”

“Yes, I can tell.” I manage a slight smile.

“Your brother’s got a long road ahead of him.” He says conversationally, and I like him already, for not speaking in medical terminology, and instead, leveling with me.

“I understand that, sir. What else do I need to know? When can I bring him home?”

He shakes his head. “Oh, mister Thomas, I’m afraid he’s got to stay put until he’s stabilized and off the ventilator. He’s got to be well enough to fly home and that is no short flight. It’s a long way off.”

“And what about his legs? Is it true? That he’s…paralyzed?”

“It’s too early to determine that yet. We haven’t run any neurological tests on him, but his spinal cord was damaged during the attack.”

“What about the internal bleeding?”

“We managed to repair that, although he did lose a lot of blood and he runs a high risk of infection. He nearly bled to death, sir.”

“Sounds like it’s a miracle that he’s alive.” I say without a trace of mirth.

“That’s quite accurate, Mister Thomas.” He raises a hand and places it on my shoulder. “To be perfectly honest with you, sir, it will be a miracle if he survives. And that’s with the extent of injuries that we’re aware of so far.”

Why I think about this, I don’t know, but I blurt. “Is he going to be discharged from the military?”

“That you’ll have to speak with Lieutenant Fothergill about, sir. I’m not sure of the protocol.”

“Fair enough.” I nod. “What…can I do? I let Fothergill know to spare no expense. Is there anything that my brother needs?”

“Would you be willing to give blood, Mister Thomas?”

“Please…call me Hawk. And yes. Anything that I can do, just name it.”

“Fair enough, sir. I’ll arrange for that.”

 

***

 

“Mama?”

“Hawk?”

“It’s me, mama. I’m sorry to call you so late, and I’m sorry I waited so long.”

“It’s okay, love. Please tell me what’s going on.” Mama’s voice is gravelly from sleep, which is a good sign. It means that she’s actually been sleeping.

“Mama, it’s a long story, and there isn’t a lot of hope at the end of it, but Carson is still alive.” I pause to lick my lips. “It took them two days to find him after a mistaken identity. He’s in bad shape, mama. I’m sitting here looking right at him, but he’s medically asleep, and the doctors don’t give much hope for him, mama.”

She doesn’t say anything on account of her crying. I hear scuffling and my Lu’s voice comes on the other end. “Hawk, honey?”

“Hi darlin’. It’s so good to hear your voice, precious.”

“It’s good to hear from you, too, baby. I’ve been staying with your mama. Sleeping with her and all. We seem to make quite a pair.”

“I knew you’d take good care of her, darlin’.” I reiterate what I just told mama, and I can hear her settling in the background, while Luellen talks to me.

Then mama comes back on the phone. “I want you to tell me where you are, darlin’. So at least we can send Carson some flowers or something, to let him know that we’re all thinking about him.”

“Sure, mama. I’m not sure how that works out here, but I’ll leave it to you to figure it out.”

After giving her the information and speaking briefly, I hang up, but not before kissing my brother’s cheek for mama. I settle in and keep Carson’s hand in mine, trying like hell to…I don’t know…transmit positive energy. Do whatever I can to help him heal and bring him back. For another day and a half, I sit there, praying, talking to him, hell, I even read a bit to him from a book I had on my phone forever, and I watch doctors and nurses walk in and back out again, giving me no more news, other than we’re still not out of the woods.

I must have fallen asleep, and the door opening awakens me. I think I’m hallucinating from lack of sleep, until he says hello and I know he’s real. “Grayson. What are y’all doing here?”

He looks at Carson and then at me, and he gives me a little head shake, before taking a step towards me and hugging me like he’s never hugged me before. The lump in my throat comes from nowhere, and I can’t swallow it down. “Good to see you, man.” I say, voice cracking.

“Mama figured you were about ready to lose it, so I hopped on the next plane. It’s not right that you’re here alone, man. And nobody else could come out. Kurt and I fought over it some, but Lisa’s just had the baby and all.”

“No, I get it. I appreciate you coming.” I say, wiping my eyes. He’s got a lone duffel bag draped over his arm that he sets down on the floor, and he comes to sit by me, grabbing the other chair by the door.

“Been a long time, man.” Grayson says, looking at our little brother. “Too long.”

“It has been. I can’t recall the last time the three of us were in the same room together if I’m telling the truth.”

Grayson just shakes his head, and then he rises, inspecting all the gadgets keeping Carson alive. “How y’all doing, little buddy?” he says to Carson. His voice is weak, like he’s trying to hold back tears, too. “I’m here, man. Long time no see. Wake up and pound the shit out of me for not coming around, man.” He looks over at me. “God, he’s a tank. This military life is something, huh.”

“Yeah. He looks like the Hulk under them sheets. Big boy. Grew double his size since going to combat.”

Grayson’s speaking to Carson as though he can hear him, while still looking him over. “Looks like your luck ran out a little bit there, brother.”

“He’ll get it back. If not, that’s why we’re here.”

“That’s right, my man.” Grayson agrees, and then he changes the subject. “Mama says you’ve got yourself a girl.”

“I have. Luellen’s a dream, man. I love her to bits.”

“She’s a sweet little thing. Never pictured you with her though, if I’m being honest.” He chuckles, good-naturedly.

“Me, neither. But here we are.”

“So, mama tells me there’s another wedding to plan.” He frowns. “I suppose after all the weddings lately, we should be well versed in them by now.”

“Yeah. I’m not sure when the little darlin’ wants to tie the knot, but it’s up to her. We can do it tomorrow or in another two years, so long as we’re together.”

“Happy for you, man. Never thought I’d see the day.”

I shrug. “That makes two of us.”

 

***

 

The neurologist comes in and pulls the sheet up, revealing Carson’s legs, shocking the living shit out of both me and Grayson. His legs are all mangled, like he was thrown from something, and his legs landed wrong. It’s difficult to look at, but he had to do some tests to see the extent of damage. I suppose it’s a good sign that they’re coming in to do tests from a prognosis standpoint, rather than just hour-by-hour, monitoring him. No doctor has said that he’s out of the woods yet, but my hopes are showing.

We watch him prick needles into Carson’s toes and watch for signs of movement. He does a slew of things, none of which we understand, but he’s not grimacing or wincing, so I suppose that’s a good sign. Finally, after about twenty minutes of doing tests, he speaks frankly. “He’s got good contact with the brain it seems. We’ll have to run further tests when he’s awake, but so far it looks good.”

Grayson speaks first. “Will he be paralyzed?”

“Neurologically, no. But we won’t know if there has been any spinal cord damage until he’s awake. It’s one thing to check for reflexes, an entirely different thing to check him for movement. We’ll know more when he’s awake.”

“And when can he wake up?” I ask.

Dr. Evans answers. “Once the swelling in his brain has reduced, we can take him off sedation.”

“And how long is that going to take?”

“It’s reduced some, but not enough yet, I’m afraid. And sometimes the swelling returns, too, depending on how well the patient is healing.”

“Is he showing any signs of infection?”

Dr. Evans shakes his head. “Thankfully, no, not yet. And his blood counts are good as well.”

Grayson looks at me. “So there’s some good news.”

I frown and shrug. “Are we out of the woods yet?” I ask the room.

Dr. Evans claps me on the shoulder. “Not…quite.”

 

***

 

Grayson and I have been around the clock, on watch, sometimes he’s asleep, sometimes I’m asleep, and sometimes we’re both awake or we’ll take turns going down to the chapel. The funny thing about hospitals out here, is there are no visiting hours, and no rules about how long we can stay. We’ve literally been on a constant vigil. Time doesn’t seem to exist out here, and neither one of us remembers how long of a stay we’ve had, either. We call home every day with updates, which are few, but are something, and whoever we call passes it on.

I think we’ve been here a week, maybe a week and a half, when Dr. Evans comes in, while we both play cards amid keeping watch, and he has a smile on his face. “We’re out of the woods.” He announces.

“Oh, wow. So, what does that mean?”

“Well, it means that the swelling on the brain has come down enough that we can take him off sedation. He can wake up when his body is ready to.”

“That’s fantastic news, doc. Thank you.” Grayson says, getting up to shake his hand. I shake it, too.

“The nurse will be in shortly. Now, keep in mind, it could take a couple of days or longer for him to wake up.”

“Sounds good, doc. We’re not going anywhere.” I say.

And it feels like both of us keep looking at Carson, every minute or so, and we’re driving ourselves crazy after a couple of hours. I start thinking about what I’m going to say to him when he wakes up. I mean, how can I take back all the heartache that I’ve caused him over the years? How do you even apologize for that? Grayson searches my face. “What’s going on in there, payson?”

“Oh, nothing.” I wave.

“Always been a shitty liar, Hawk. Not a great trait for us Thomases.”

I sigh and rake a hand through my hair. “I’m just…” I trail off, thinking of the right words, without getting all into it again. “I was awful to him, Grayson.”

He speaks after laying down a card and waiting a beat. “You were.” He speaks evenly.

“The kid probably hates me and I don’t blame him.”

“You shouldn’t.” he nods, frowning. “And yeah, he probably hates you.”

I purse my lips, thinking that Grayson likely holds a lot of resentment for me, too, from what I did to tear up this family. All my siblings probably feel the same way. Then he shocks me. “But you were both battling your own demons, Hawk. And y’all had to go through what you did to get to where y’all are now. What matters is that you’re here because you want to be here and because you love him. You were the first one to hop on the plane to come here for him, and you haven’t left this boy’s side ever since. What it comes down to is when you’re really needed, man, you’re there. Carson’s going to see that first.”

“And y’all don’t hate me for treating him so bad? For breaking up this family or for breaking mama’s heart?”

He lifts his arms. “Look around, Hawk. I’m here, you’re here, nobody’s broken up. We’ve spoken to all the family since we got here, man. That’s the thing about families, man, we survive. Nobody hates you except yourself. And something else, I don’t think y’all hate yourself anymore, because that girl of yours has shown you love again. Y’all can’t love her unless y’all love yourself first, and that’s the truth. I never knew that until I met my Laura and bless her for making me see that.”

I nod, swallowing. I don’t know what else to say. “Thanks, man.”

 

***

 

I’m reading off a page from my book, while Grayson’s downstairs grabbing us something to eat, when I see movement in Carson’s hand. It’s like he’s feeling the sheet, trying to figure out where he is. “Carson? Carson, buddy, I’m here, man.” I say softly, searching his face, waiting for his eyes to open. I take his hand, the one that’s moving, and gently cradle it in mine. “Carson? Carson, man, it’s Hawk.” He opens his eyes slowly, looking all around, as if his eyes are out of focus.

“Carson?” I say again, and his eyes finally focus on me. “Hey, man.” I say, nodding slowly, searching his eyes.

Recognition comes to his eyes and his chin starts to quiver. I watch a bead of tears form in his eyes and suddenly find myself mirroring him. My arms carefully cradle his head in a delicate hug, as we listen to each other’s sniffling. Nothing needs to be said. No words need to be exchanged. My brother’s alive and mine is the first face he sees when he wakes up. That’s all that needed to happen here. And as I clutch his face, letting him know how much I love the son of a bitch, and how much I’ve missed him, and how sorry I am, Grayson walks in.

“Oh, dude.” He says, coming over, joining in on the hug.

“Grayson.” Carson says, and I get it. He hasn’t seen Grayson in a long time, either. The poor kid is probably so goddamn happy to see his family again, and it warms my heart. This. This…is what this family needed. A second chance. And as we hug each other, sobbing like schoolgirls, I feel like we’ve come full circle. When we finally pull back, giving the kid a breath, I look at him and smile warmly. “Glad you’re here.” Is all he says.

“I’m so glad to be here, man. You haven’t got a clue.” I say, and then I kiss him on the forehead. “How do you feel, man?”

“Like shit.” He chuckles weakly.

“Here, let me call the doctor.” Grayson says, leaving the room, wiping his eyes.

He’s not gone two minutes, and he returns with Dr. Evans. “Ah, I see we’re finally awake.” He says, and I wonder what other stupid cliché things doctors say to patients who just woke up. “Let’s have a look and see how you’re doing.”

While Dr. Evans looks him over, we’re updating him on what’s going on at home. “I hear Hawk’s finally found himself a woman.” Grayson teases.

“No shit? Like, a real one, not a blow-up doll or something?” Carson jokes.

I chuckle. “No, Luellen’s the real deal, man. I asked her to marry me right before I came out here.”

“Get out of here, you liar.” Carson says, his voice is gravelly but strong. “You’d never let a girl come within ten feet of you.”

“She’s a sweet kid, man. You’d like her.” Grayson says.

“I already like her. Better than him.” Carson jokes.

“Oh, you will.” I snuffle a laugh.

When Dr. Evans is satisfied, he looks at us. “I’ll see if the neurologist is here to run some tests.”

“Sure, doc.” I nod, dismissing him.

“So, what do y’all want to do now, depending on what the prognosis is?” Grayson asks.

“I don’t really know. I have a project to finish, but other than that, I don’t know.” He says honestly.

“Well, brother, you’re always welcome to come home, man.” I say. “It’s been a long time. You’ve missed out on a lot. We’ve missed the shit out of you, too. Sure would be nice to have you home.”

He nods, biting his bottom lip. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard that come out of your mouth, man. It’s good to hear.”

I nod, looking at him with strong conviction. “Then heed it, man. Come home. Come home to where you belong. Come home for good.”