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Caitlyn
Easter break came and the Wests had still not returned from Mississippi. Zoe had spent the past few days at home, her father having finally calmed down and her mother missing her dearly. Earlier today, Caitlyn broke down and invited Mya over, but she had other things to do.
So, utterly bored and lonely, Caitlyn went to check the mailbox. There in the middle of the bills, she found a letter addressed to her.
She ran from the mailbox to Mom in the kitchen, squealing and pressing the envelope to her chest. “He wrote me! He wrote me!”
Mom turned from the sink, smiling and drying her hands on a dishtowel. “Let me guess. He means Keefe?” She stepped to the bar counter, grabbed a bag of potatoes, and opened a drawer.
Caitlyn ripped open the envelope, yanked out the letter, and brought it to her nose. After a deep breath, she read to herself: Dear Caitlyn, It’s only been a week but I miss you so much.
“Wow, he started writing me a week after he got there.”
“It sure took a long time for the letter to get here.”
Caitlyn continued reading.
I know how you enjoy nature, so I think you would love these De Soto woods. The pine trees are tall and smell good in the early morning. There is a stream nearby. I like to go there by myself, when I can, and think and pray. God speaks to me out here. I’ll tell you about it when I get back.
Caitlyn sighed and pressed the letter to her chest. What had God said to him? The way Keefe prayed, the way he searched for God moved her. He seemed so willing to change his life, even to the point of sacrificing relationships and his reputation to follow the Lord. Could she do that?
She walked to the dining room table and sat in a chair where she could see Mom over the counter. She read more.
I don’t get much time for walks, though. My father keeps us busy digging in the mud. We work with a good group of people. Many are volunteers and they take their work seriously. Plus, schoolwork keeps me busy. You should see the list of assignments my teachers gave me. They must think I’ve got nothing better to do than write essays. I really have to force myself to do them.
The other day, Jarret told me something that I’m sure you already know. I was really bummed to learn about it. I feel like somewhere I went wrong, let him down. Please keep him in your prayers. I hope Zoe is okay.
I wanted to write you once a week, but already three weeks have passed, and I’m still working on this same letter. Sorry. It’s not that I don’t miss you. I do.
Things are starting to wrap up around here. The woman running things told my father we could go soon. She and my father had been good friends, but I think there’s some friction between them now. I don’t know what that’s about, but it’s too bad because I thought my father liked her.
I can’t wait to see you again. Keefe.
Caitlyn sighed, flipping the page over. “He didn’t sign it love.”
The potato peeler slipped from Mom’s hand and landed on the far edge of the counter. “Well, that’s fine. Does he tell you he loves you?” She snatched the peeler and continued peeling potatoes.
“No. But we’re always around other people. When would he tell me?”
Mom smiled. “Maybe he’s too young to be in love. You’re both very young. There’s no reason to rush things. Maybe God has someone else in mind for each of you. And what about Roland? Weren’t the two of you good friends? What happened to that friendship? This is a time for friendships. Why limit yourself—”
“How old were you when you started seeing Dad?”
Her pale eyebrows twitched. She wiped her forehead with the back of her peeling hand. “Oh, we’ve known each other since grade school.”
“When did you start dating?” At this moment, Caitlyn decided she wanted answers. She wanted to know everything. How could they insist she follow so many rules when they obviously had not?
Mom glanced then turned away, taking the peeled potatoes to the sink. With the water blasting she said, “We saw each other in high school.”
“When did you fall in love?”
“Some time in high school. I feel like I’ve always been in love with him.”
“Did you guys date like everyone else? Because I think I’d like to go out on dates.” Caitlyn’s eyes watered and her voice came out high with her frustration. “I’d like to go to the movies, or to dinner, or even just take a long walk in the park with Keefe, just Keefe and no one else. I’d like to be alone with him. I know I shouldn’t have gone to Zoe’s knowing her parents weren’t there, but that’s why I did it. How can I really get to know someone without having any private conversations? It’s not fair. It’s not the way you did it.”
Mom shut the water off and shook her head, her face to the window over the sink. “I wish you understood.”
“I understand more than you think.”
Mom turned, drying her hands on the dishtowel with intensity.
“Mom, you were married fifteen years in April, and I turned fifteen in November. That’s only seven months.”
Head down, Mom set the dishtowel aside and wiped the front of her shirt. Then she came around the counter and sat cattycorner to Caitlyn. Mom looked younger in the dim light, with strands of red hair falling out of the ponytail and framing her face. She gave Caitlyn a sad smile and touched her hand, the one holding the letter. “I wondered when you’d figure that out.” Still smiling, she looked at the letter. “I was nineteen when we married. Your father and I had only made one big mistake. It was on—”
“Valentine’s Day.”
Her smile grew, the look in her eyes showing surprise. “Wow. You’re right. We were already engaged. Your father had an apartment of his own by then, and he wanted to cook dinner for me.” She winced, still smiling. “He’s no cook. He found a recipe in a magazine. Filet mignon.” She giggled, gazing off in the distance, her eyes glistening.
“We made many small mistakes, Caitlyn.” She met Caitlyn’s gaze. “I can’t help but think we fell because no one had warned us. Growing up, those things just weren’t talked about in my house. I guess we always knew we should wait for marriage. But my folks sat in front of TV shows with characters that didn’t share those values. It sent the message that maybe some things were okay. Everyone in the shows who fell in love or even just dated made out, necked. I just thought that’s what you did on a date when you liked someone.”
Caitlyn had seen Mom and Dad kiss before. But making out? The image popped into her mind for a shocking split-second. She tried not to think about it.
“No one ever told me that one thing leads to another. Maybe that’s common sense, but it wasn’t to me. I had no intention of giving myself away before marriage.”
Mom rubbed Caitlyn’s hand. “Protect your virtue, my dear. Save yourself for your future husband. Looking back, I wish someone had talked to me about true love and about the reasons sex belongs in marriage. I wish I had been given guidelines. I wish I would’ve seen the bigger picture, how the union of husband and wife is an expression of permanent, self-donating love. It reveals God’s plan for us, how He desires for us to become one with Him.”
Seeing the sincerity in her eyes, Caitlyn’s heart went out to her. “I hadn’t thought about it like that.”
Mom shook her head. “I’m not trying to excuse my behavior. For all that, I knew it was wrong. It’s just . . . I want you to have the guidance I didn’t have. You’ll give your virginity away only once. It means a lot more to give it to your husband on your wedding night than to let it slip away accidentally in the heat of a moment. Our culture has cheapened the gift of sexuality, separating it from true, permanent, beautiful love.”
Her eyes hardened as if revealing some inner strength. “You can judge me if you want, just, please . . . don’t make the same mistakes I did.”
“You’re not saying I’m a mistake?”
She let out an exasperated groan, slapped Caitlyn’s hand, and hugged her. “Oh, my dear little girl. Of course, you’re not a mistake. We made a mistake. We let passion pull us over the boundaries that God sets. But God does not make mistakes.” She kissed Caitlyn’s forehead and returned to the kitchen.