Zoe looked around the bathroom door and smiled. Lachlan had his back to her as he chattered away to Louise, who was sitting up in the bath. He crouched in front of the tub, lathering shampoo into Louise’s fine blonde hair as they both laughed. There were puddles of water on the black-and-white floor tiles. It was good to see him relaxed and smiling.
Since that night, almost two months ago, when he’d come home after quitting, he had refused to talk about what had happened. All he’d say was that he’d had enough of working in the goldfields. She suspected he’d had an argument with someone, stormed off and was now too proud to apologise. Zoe knew she had to stop worrying so much about Lachlan; it was just the stress of trying to find a new job that had made him so distracted and preoccupied. Although, she reminded herself, he’d been preocciupied even before he quit. She shook off the thoughts. He’d be fine when he found another job; worrying about money was getting to them both. They’d used up everything they had; soon they wouldn’t be able to make the mortgage and car repayments.
Just then, Louise looked up and smiled at Zoe, her dimples flashing. Zoe was filled with tenderness at how adorable she was, and laughed as Louise suddenly raised her chubby hands and began to splash the bath water, squealing with delight.
‘Good splashing, Louise! Are you splashing your daddy?’ Zoe said.
Lachlan turned around. ‘Oh, hi. Can you get me a towel?’
‘Sure,’ Zoe said. When she returned, he was rinsing Louise’s hair with water from a plastic cup. Zoe stood beside him and held the towel open, and he lifted Louise up and into her arms. Zoe wrapped her up and held her close for a moment, then kissed the tip of her nose before handing her back to Lachlan.
‘You remember I’m going out tonight?’ she said.
Lachlan frowned. ‘Oh, that’s tonight?’
‘Yes. I did tell you —’
‘It’s fine, I just didn’t remember. What time?’
‘I’m meeting them at seven at the boat harbour. We’re going to the brewery. You’ll have to settle Louise yourself, but she should be fine with her bottle.’
He nodded, and carried Louise out of the bathroom and into her room. Zoe leaned over, drained the water from the bath, then folded up the bathmat and hung it over the edge of the tub.
She went into Louise’s room to find Lachlan holding up a yellow all-in-one suit. ‘Oh no, that one’s a bit small,’ she said. ‘I should put that away with all the other stuff she’s grown out of.’ She had almost said for the next baby. That’s what people did, wasn’t it? They stored away the clothes that their first baby had grown out of, keeping them at the back of the wardrobe for the next one. ‘Actually, it’ll do for tonight. I haven’t got any other pyjamas clean for her right now.’
‘OK.’ Lachlan lifted Louise up, spread the outfit out on her change mat, then put a nappy on her.
Zoe watched as he struggled to get her chubby arms into the suit. ‘Here, I’ll hold her so she can’t wriggle —’
‘I’m OK.’
Zoe leaned down and put her hands on Louise’s hips. Lachlan swatted her arm away. ‘I said it’s fine! Stop hovering over me! I know how to dress her!’
She stepped back, mouth and eyes wide. The bony edge of her forearm ached where he had batted her away. She rubbed it with her other hand, then turned and walked out of the room without another word.
Back in the bathroom, she closed and locked the door, then sat on the edge of the bath, on the damp floor mat that she’d just hung there, and put her face in her hands. She didn’t know what to think about Lachlan’s edginess. He was so sensitive these days. Was Zoe being too critical? Didn’t she feel the same way when Nadia tried to give her any advice on how to raise Louise? She tried to breathe deeply: she needed to pull herself together. She was overreacting. He hadn’t meant anything by it, he just wasn’t thinking. She knew how easy it was to react angrily; even she had almost shaken Louise one night when she wouldn’t stop crying. Lachlan was right; she didn’t need to hover over him all the time, he was perfectly capable of looking after his daughter. She took another deep breath, then stood up and turned on the shower.
Zoe walked down to the fishing harbour; it only took fifteen minutes and she needed the exercise to help her calm down. Lachlan hadn’t said anything about what had happened, and neither had she. She was determined to enjoy this evening. It had been ages since she’d been out with friends; that part of her life had vanished when she had taken Louise home. At first, she hadn’t wanted to go out: she hadn’t trusted anyone to be left with her baby. Then later, it just seemed too hard, especially when Lachlan was away. But tonight, Zoe needed to see that life outside of her own world – a world that seemed to be closing in on her – was carrying on as usual.
And it was, down here in Fremantle. The fishing boats still bobbed in the harbour, their chains clanking and sails snapping in the wind. Warm light glowed from the restaurants and bars, illuminating the oily black water below the boardwalk. The air smelled of fish and vinegar and the pungency of decaying seaweed. Zoe inhaled deeply as a gust of wind blew over and around her, and she rubbed her arms, now sticky with the salt carried on the breeze. She smiled and her shoulders dropped.
As she walked past the bronze statues of fishermen hauling baskets of fish from the water, she imagined the time before the harbour was built, when this water was an estuary, thick with black carpets of mullet. She went in the back entrance of the restaurant, a converted warehouse, past the children’s sandpit littered with discarded plastic spades and toy trucks, then pulled open the heavy glass door and walked inside. Standing on tiptoe, she looked around the vast room. To her left, young couples sat at long wooden tables sharing pizzas and drinking pints of beer, while on her right was an open kitchen and pizza oven in front of glass walls displaying the giant vats of the brewery. The space was filled with the aromas of food and the yeasty, living smell of hops and barley. As she pushed towards the bar, she heard someone call her name above the noise of the crowd. Emma, Sally and Kath were sitting in a booth, with a bottle of wine in a silver ice bucket, and four glasses.
Zoe squealed and hurried over. She hugged each of her friends.
‘How are you?’ they all seemed to say at once.
‘I’m great!’ Zoe manoeuvred herself in beside Sally, opposite Emma. ‘It’s great to see you all!’ As she said it, tears welled up in her eyes. It was great to see her friends; she had missed them.
They’d all studied nursing together; then, over the years, they’d worked with each other in various hospitals. But in the last few years, they’d grown apart. They all had children; Kath’s two girls were already at school, while Sally and Emma each had a son at kindy. When Kath’s first child was born, Zoe was only just planning her wedding, but when Emma and Sally had fallen pregnant within months of each other, Zoe was dealing with the grief of another miscarriage. She had tried to be happy for them, but the feeling that had overwhelmed her was bitter jealousy. As their babies grew into toddlers together, her friends had moved into a different world, leaving Zoe behind.
They knew about the miscarriages and the surrogacy, but every time Zoe had tried to talk to one of them on the phone, their own children would be crying or screaming or chattering in the background and she could never really open up. After too many stilted conversations ending with promises to catch up that never eventuated, Zoe had stopped trying. Now, though, she understood how much energy a child saps from you, and how, when you finally get some time to yourself, you have no room for anyone else’s problems. But tonight, she was part of the old group again, and she was going to forget about Lachlan.
Emma reached for the wine bottle and raised it towards Zoe, water from the ice bucket dripping onto the table. ‘Drink?’
‘Yes, please!’ Zoe held out her glass for Emma to pour the wine. ‘Cheers, ladies! Great to see you all!’ She took a sip, sighed and smiled.
‘So how’s life as a mum treating you?’ Emma said.
‘Yeah, it’s great! Well, busy, you know?’
They all nodded in agreement.
‘How old is she now?’ Sally said.
‘She’s six months. It’s gone so quickly!’
‘I can’t believe we haven’t had a proper catch-up in that long! Is she sleeping through the night yet?’
Zoe shrugged. ‘Yeah, most of the time. She wakes up for a bottle sometimes, but that’s OK.’
Sally shook her head and smiled. ‘You’re lucky. George didn’t sleep through until he was eighteen months, it almost drove me crazy. He was just so attached to the breastfeeding, you know? When I eventually gave that up and he learned that he wasn’t getting any milk, he started sleeping all night.’ She clasped her hand over her mouth. ‘Oh, sorry, that was silly of me …’
Zoe took a gulp of wine, hoping they wouldn’t notice her cheeks flaring. ‘It’s fine. So, how’s work going? Is there any gossip?’
‘Oh, it’s just the same as always, you know,’ said Emma. ‘Same old people, same old politics, not enough staff, crap rosters, too busy.’
‘Have you thought about when you’ll go back?’ Kath said.
Zoe shook her head. ‘I don’t know yet. I just extended my maternity leave, so hopefully another six months, but we probably can’t afford much more than that.’
Sally topped up everyone’s glasses while she talked. ‘I loved going back to work. Being at home all the time just wasn’t for me, I needed some adult company. I’m a much better mum now I’m working.’
Zoe nodded, remembering the bustle of the wards, and the kids who still managed to laugh no matter how sick they were. She liked her job – had liked it. Now she loved being at home with Louise, though sometimes it felt like they were on borrowed time, especially since Lachlan had quit. She cleared her throat. ‘Well, I might go back sooner than that, maybe just a few relief shifts or something, to see how it goes.’
‘I suppose it’s hard for you with Lachlan working away. Daycare is useless when you work shifts. What about your mum, would she help out?’ Kath said.
‘Yeah, she would.’ Zoe went on lightly, ‘But anyway, Lachlan’s at home at the moment, looking for a job in Perth.’
‘Really?’ Emma frowned.
Zoe didn’t meet her eye. ‘Yeah, it was getting too much, being away from home all the time. I think having Louise made him realise what he was giving up, you know, and he just decided that he didn’t want to do it any more.’
‘Has he got another job lined up?’
‘Not yet. He will, though, that won’t be a problem, there are plenty of jobs out there. For now, he’s just enjoying spending time with Louise.’
Sally sighed. ‘Oh, that’s lovely.’
Zoe smiled, and held her glass aloft. ‘Well, cheers again, girls. It’s great to see you all!’
She caught the eye of a waitress and ordered another bottle of wine. Lachlan could get up for Louise tonight and tomorrow morning; Zoe had done more than her fair share.
Zoe took off her heels and walked barefoot up the path to the front door. She tried the handle; it opened. She frowned. It was almost midnight; the door should be locked. She pushed it open slowly, screwing up her face as it creaked. She held her breath, but Louise didn’t cry out. The hallway was dark. She placed her shoes down on their side; then, with one hand on the wall to steady herself, tiptoed towards the back of the house. The door to the living room was closed, but light shone from underneath it and she could hear the television. She smiled; Lachlan must have waited up for her.
She opened the door then closed it behind her. Lachlan was lying on the couch watching a celebrity reality show. She clambered into the space between his bent knees and the back of the couch.
‘Did you wait up for me?’ Zoe hadn’t realised before how slurred her speech was.
Lachlan looked at her and raised his eyebrows. His eyes were red and half closed. ‘No. I couldn’t sleep.’
‘Well, it’s nice you’re still up.’ Zoe reclined on his hip.
‘Did you have fun?’ he said.
‘Yeah, I did, actually. It was like … I don’t know, it was just like before, somehow. It was nice to be with my old friends, catch up on all the gossip. What did you do?’ Zoe glanced at the coffee table and saw four empty beer bottles, but at least half a dozen bottle caps. She frowned, then looked back at him.
‘Oh, I just got some pizza, watched a movie.’
‘Which one?’
‘I don’t know, something on the movie channel.’
‘What was it about?’
He glared at her. ‘I can’t remember, Zoe. Does it matter?’
Zoe sat up straight. ‘OK, no need to be like that!’
Lachlan looked back at the television while Zoe counted silently to herself. She’d had such a lovely night, she wasn’t going to let him spoil it. ‘You want some water?’
‘No thanks.’
She climbed over him again and went into the kitchen, where she stood for a moment pressing at her eyes with her palms. She poured a glass of cold water from the fridge and took it back through to the living room; this time she perched on the arm of the sofa.
‘The girls were talking about work. It sounds like nothing’s changed. It made me, I don’t know, miss it in a way. Well, I don’t miss it, I love being at home with Louise, but it was nice to think about what I used to do.’
Lachlan nodded. ‘You used to love it.’
‘Well, maybe love is a bit strong.’
‘Yeah, but you were good at what you did, and you trained for a long time.’
She shrugged. ‘That’s what you give up when you become a mum. And it’ll go so quickly – before I know it Louise’ll be in kindy. Work will still be there, there’ll always be people getting sick.’
‘Maybe you shouldn’t wait that long.’
Zoe gulped down some water to give her time to think before she spoke, trying to keep her voice steady. ‘We talked about it before Louise was born. We said I’d stay home.’ Her heart was racing. She watched Lachlan’s face.
He lowered his eyes. ‘I know, but things have changed, and if you miss it —’
‘I don’t miss it that much! God, I was only saying that in some ways it’d be nice to be doing something else. It’s not that I want to leave Louise with some stranger and go back to night shifts and being short-staffed and dealing with other people’s sick kids.’
‘Well, you wouldn’t have to leave her with a stranger, would you? I’m here now.’
Zoe felt her throat tightening. ‘But you won’t be. You’ll get another job soon. I can’t say I’ll come back to work and then stop again in a few weeks, when you get a job. I don’t understand, what are you trying to say?’
‘I’m not trying to say anything! It’s just that we need to think about it as an option, especially if it’s something you’d like to do. I think you’d enjoy it. And if I get a job, there’s your mum to help, and Nadia’s close by now.’
Zoe shook her head. ‘Stop watching the damn TV, Lachlan, and look at me!’
He clenched his jaw, jabbed at the power button on the remote and sat up straight. ‘Forget I said anything. Just don’t assume that I’ll get another job and that we can afford for neither of us to be working.’
‘Well, you shouldn’t have just quit your job, should you?’ Zoe realised she was shouting, and lowered her voice again. ‘Babe, I don’t want to go to work, I want to stay at home with Louise. After everything we’ve been through, I don’t want to hand her over to Mum or Nadia. You must understand that?’
He sighed. ‘I know, Zoe. I know. It’s just not always that easy.’
‘What isn’t, babe?’ She put her hand on his arm. ‘Talk to me.’
He shook his head. ‘It’s late, let’s get to bed.’
Before she could say anything more, he stood up and walked out of the room. She had no choice but to follow him, dread in the pit of her stomach.
Zoe rubbed her hair with the towel, feeling nervous about the day ahead. A month had passed since Lachlan had brought up the subject of Zoe returning to her old job. She didn’t want to go back to work, but she couldn’t wait any more for him to find a job. He said he was looking, but the promised interview was always another week away. They had no savings left, they had bills to pay and a child to support. Zoe had no choice.
Her alarm had gone off at five; her first shift was an early one. But at least then she’d be home to spend time with Louise in the afternoon and put her to bed. Zoe’s eyes filled with tears. She longed to be the one playing with Louise all day. She’d wanted to see her start to crawl, witness her first steps, hear her first words, help her develop and learn. Yes, Louise would be with Lachlan, but he didn’t seem to understand the amount of stimulation a baby needed to thrive. He would just let her play on the floor while he read the paper. Zoe swallowed down the lump in her throat. She was being ridiculous; Louise would be at home, safe with her dad. Anyway, Lachlan would find a job soon; this would only be temporary.
Zoe checked the bathroom door was closed, then took off her pyjamas and stood back, staring at herself in the mirror. Of course she didn’t look any different to how she had before she left work – she hadn’t been pregnant. She had no stretch marks on her stomach, and her breasts were still full. She should look more tired, but Louise slept well now; the bottle filled her up. It was ironic to wish that she looked more like a mum given the way that most mothers feel about their bodies after having babies. But she didn’t want any reason for people to notice that she hadn’t given birth to Louise; she wanted to blend in. Zoe clenched her fists: she had to stop thinking like this. When she’d had the miscarriages, she had sworn she would never complain about anything if only she could have a child. And now she had a gorgeous little girl, and she was the luckiest woman in the world; she couldn’t renegotiate the bargain she’d made with herself. She was only going back to work. Other mothers did it; so could she.
After showering, she raked around in the bottom drawer of the vanity and pulled out her hairdryer. She untangled the cord, then plugged it in next to the sink and switched it on the lowest setting so it didn’t disturb Louise. After drying her hair, she unzipped her make-up bag and put on a bit of foundation and mascara. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad today. It was important to teach Louise that women had careers too, that there was more to Zoe than, well, being a mother.
In the bedroom, Zoe kept the light off while she moved around quietly. Her eyes adjusted quickly to the dim light. She put on her uniform, which she’d ironed last night, then kicked her towel into the corner of the room, next to Lachlan’s t-shirt and boxers from yesterday. She resisted the urge to bundle them up and take them through to the laundry; that was Lachlan’s job now. Once she’d put her lanyard with her ID badge around her neck, she looked in the mirrored door of the wardrobe and smiled. Now that she was dressed, she knew what to do. She wasn’t a stay-at-home mum any more; she was a working mum. She should be – was – proud of that.
Out in the kitchen, she forced herself to swallow a few spoonfuls of cereal. She looked at the clock on the oven: she had to leave or she’d miss the bus. Closing her eyes, she forced herself to breathe slowly for a few moments, then tiptoed back down the hallway. She pushed open the door to the bedroom and whispered to Lachlan, ‘I’m off now.’
‘Hmm …’ he mumbled without opening his eyes.
‘Remember, Louise’s swimming lesson is at ten. I’ve packed her bag already, she just has to have a swim nappy on underneath her bathers, and try and get her to have a nap before she goes.’
He opened his eyes. ‘We’ll be fine, OK?’
‘I know.’ Zoe’s eyes began to prickle with tears again. ‘I’ve got to go.’
‘Come here’ He beckoned her over and gave her a hug. ‘Good luck today.’
‘Thanks.’ She sniffed and stepped away from him. ‘Please, just call me if you need anything. If I don’t answer my mobile then call the ward, they’ll get me.’
‘Zoe, we’ll be fine. Go on, you’ll be late.’
Zoe nodded. ‘Bye.’
She held onto the door for a moment more, then nodded again and closed it. She stared at Louise’s door, listening hopefully for a snuffle so she had an excuse to go in, but it was quiet. Anyway, it was best not to disturb her. Saying goodbye to her would be too much for Zoe this morning. She picked up her bag, purse and phone from the hallway table and stepped outside in the faint early morning light, then closed the front door quietly behind her.