Zoe opened her eyes as Lachlan crawled into bed beside her. She glanced at the alarm clock: it was after midnight. Zoe felt foggy, disorientated, woken from a warm dream that now floated away above her and dissipated. She’d gone to bed at nine with a book, and soon dropped off, but it was an uneasy sleep, interrupted by the sound of the television and, every so often, Lachlan getting up and opening the fridge.
Being back at work was tiring; she’d hoped it would rejuvenate her, but all it had done was add more pressure. She was worried about Lachlan – he wasn’t coping very well with being at home all the time with Louise. He managed to keep on top of things, but that was about all. She’d had to bite her tongue many times when she came home to find the washing unhung, or the floor unswept. She reminded herself that she’d had days like that when she was at home with Louise, and had bridled at his comments about the house being untidy. And she knew that Lachlan’s identity was entwined with being an engineer, not a stay-at-home dad. Maybe the distance that was growing between them was due to his feelings of shame as he saw his wife having to support the family. Women were always expected to put their professional identities aside for their families – why did it only seem to be a problem for men to accept this loss of their sense of self? But women, too, often defined themselves by their career; she’d done it herself, telling people, ‘I’m a nurse, but I’m on maternity leave.’ Zoe could rationalise their situation, but she knew that both she and Lachlan would be happier in their old roles.
The mattress shifted as Lachlan turned onto his side.
‘You OK?’ she whispered.
‘Yep.’ He yawned, hissing the exhaled air out between his teeth. Zoe screwed her eyes shut, irritation jangling through her. Why hadn’t he come to bed earlier? She had to get up at five, then Louise was up from six. Why did he stay up all night watching stupid television shows? Let it go, she told herself. Let it go. If he was tired during the day, it was his problem. She forced herself to breathe slowly and deeply, beginning to relax again and drift into sleep.
Suddenly, Lachlan jolted up from the bed. ‘No!’ he shouted.
Zoe jumped and gasped, wrenched from a deep sleep. She turned over quickly to look at him. In the dark bedroom, the outline of his heaving body was grainy and indistinct. He sat upright with his arms in front of his face, as if shielding it. Zoe heard a buzzing in her ears, a high-pitched throbbing like the whirr of a film reel.
She put her hand on his arm; it was damp with sweat. ‘Lachlan, what’s wrong? You’re OK, babe, you’re OK. It must have been a bad dream.’
His breathing slowed, but then he moved his hands onto his face and started sobbing. Zoe pulled him towards her.
‘Oh, Lachlan, what is it?’
‘Just leave me alone.’ His voice was thick; he sounded haunted.
Zoe switched on the lamp on her bedside table. Lachlan lay back down and turned away from her. He said nothing, though his back shook and every now and then he sniffed wetly. Zoe turned off the light again and moved over towards him, fitting her own body around the curve of his clammy back. She kept her arm around his chest until his shaking finally stopped and she was sure he was asleep.
When Zoe got home from work the next afternoon, she said nothing to Lachlan about the previous night, or about the dark shadows below his red-rimmed eyes, or the dishes piled up on the kitchen bench. She greeted him as usual, and hugged Louise, who at least was clean and happy and plump. Holding Louise on one hip, she picked up a mug from the kitchen table, tipped the cold coffee down the sink, then went to put it in the dishwasher, but it was still full of the clean dishes from when she’d put it on last night before bed. Zoe closed her eyes for a second, hoisted Louise further up on her hip and closed the dishwasher door with her foot.
‘Lachlan?’
‘Yeah?’ he shouted above the noise of the television.
‘I thought we could go out for an early dinner.’
‘Really?’
Zoe walked into the living room. ‘It’d be nice, don’t you think?’
He frowned. ‘It’s a bit hard, with Louise. We could just get takeaway.’
The thought of spending another evening tidying up and tiptoeing around Lachlan while he stared at the television was too much. ‘No, it’d be good to go out,’ she said.
Lachlan sighed. ‘OK.’
‘Well, don’t sound too excited about it.’ Zoe spun around and walked through to the bedroom with Louise. She was trying, she really was.
They parked right outside the restaurant. Zoe closed the passenger door and stumbled as her heel wobbled on the cobblestoned street. She had put on her tight jeans, heels, and a sheer short-sleeved blouse. She had even squirted on some perfume, but all it had done was make Lachlan sneeze.
While Lachlan stood waiting, Zoe opened the back door and leaned in to unbuckle Louise from her capsule. ‘Have you got the stroller?’
Lachlan sighed, then went to open the boot. ‘There won’t be any room in there.’
Zoe closed her eyes and made herself wait a few seconds before answering. ‘Yes there will, and it’s better than having her sitting on our lap the whole time.’
‘They’ll have high chairs.’
‘Lachlan, would you please just get the stroller, or else take Louise and I’ll get it?’
Zoe slammed the door shut, then kissed Louise’s forehead and smiled brightly as she walked to the restaurant. She held the door open while Lachlan pulled the stroller up the steps. In front of them was a big pizza oven; even though it was only six o’clock, there was already a queue of people waiting to collect their takeaway. To one side were refrigerated glass cabinets filled with tiramisu and panna cotta and pastries and cakes, and in the next compartment, stainless-steel containers of gelato.
The restaurant was more than half full already, almost all families. Zoe looked at Louise, and at Lachlan, and smiled. Yes, it was hard work taking Louise out to dinner, and maybe they wouldn’t be able to relax like they used to, but they were a family too, and this was what families did. She stood up taller as they followed a young dark-haired waiter to a table near the back of the room. Louise was waving her arms up and down and babbling, and Zoe knew people were admiring her.
As they reached their table, a waitress came straight over to them, bent down and smiled at Louise. ‘She’s beautiful. Do you want a high chair?’
‘Please.’
Lachlan manoeuvred the stroller behind the table, shaking his head. ‘So, why did we take the stroller?’ he asked. Zoe ignored him.
The waitress came back with the high chair and two laminated menus. ‘Can I get you some drinks?’
‘A beer, please,’ Lachlan said, scanning the drinks list. ‘A pale ale.’
‘And I’ll have a glass of …’ Zoe swiped her finger down the list of wines by the glass. ‘The pinot, please.’
‘Should we get a bottle?’ Lachlan said.
Zoe frowned. ‘Well, we have to drive, I can’t have more than a glass. Just have a glass when you’ve finished your beer.’
‘Nah.’ Lachlan looked up at the waitress again. ‘We’ll take a bottle of the pinot.’
Zoe frowned at him, but he didn’t look at her. When the waitress left, Zoe strapped Louise into the high chair. She started to whimper, so Zoe put her car keys on the plastic tray in front of Louise; she picked them up straight away and began chewing on the metal.
Once the waitress had brought their drinks and they’d ordered food, Zoe and Lachlan sipped their wine and beer, looking at Louise rather than each other.
‘So how are you finding being a house husband?’ Zoe said brightly, smiling at Lachlan.
‘Fine. It’s fine.’ He shrugged. ‘And how are you finding it being back at work?’
He was trying, even if it did sound like he was reciting a phrase learned in a foreign language class. She leaned back in her chair. ‘It’s OK. I mean, I enjoy it mainly, when I’m there. It’s hard, though, to leave Louise.’ Noticing Lachlan stiffen, she added, ‘But at least she’s at home with you.’
Lachlan nodded, then took a gulp of beer.
‘Any luck on the job front?’ Zoe picked up a bread stick from the canister that the waitress had put in front of her. She snapped it in half and gave a piece to Louise.
‘No. Not yet.’
‘That’s a shame. Is it just that they’re not advertising, or is there nothing that you want?’ Zoe dared to look up and meet Lachlan’s eyes.
‘I don’t know. There’s nothing that’s right yet. I am looking, you know?’
‘I know you are. It’s OK, I’m not trying to say anything, we’re fine for now. I was just …’ Zoe sighed. ‘Do you think there might be something else making it difficult?’
Lachlan frowned. ‘No. Like what?’
Zoe’s heart began to beat faster, but she had broached the topic, she couldn’t stop now. ‘It’s just, well …’ She leaned over the table towards him and spoke softly. ‘Something’s just not right, and I’m worried.’
‘What are you talking about?’ he said, sounding defensive.
Zoe sat back again. ‘I don’t know. It’s just ever since … well, ever since Louise was born, something’s changed in you.’
He shifted in his seat. ‘We’ve all changed, Zoe – how could we not? It’s not just been the usual “let’s have a baby” and we’re off. You’ve changed too.’
‘I’m sure I have, babe. I’m just wondering if we need to go and talk about things with someone.’ Zoe ran her finger round the base of her glass.
Lachlan was quiet. When Zoe looked up, his face was red, and he was blinking hard. ‘I’m OK.’ It was almost a whisper.
‘Are you sure?’ Zoe whispered back.
‘Yes.’
She nodded and sighed. ‘All right. But Lachlan – remember, I’m not the enemy, OK? I’m your wife, you can talk to me.’
Without looking at her, he picked up his beer and gulped it down.
‘Let’s just have a nice dinner then,’ she said. ‘Just the three of us.’
Zoe could see that he was trying. He relaxed a little as he drank a glass of wine, then another. When he was almost finished the third, she poured the rest of the bottle into her own glass. But he picked at his food and she knew his mind was somewhere else, not with them, and she couldn’t help but wish that they’d stayed at home.
On Saturday morning, Zoe went into the kitchen, still in her nightshirt, and smiled brightly. ‘What do you want to do today?’
Lachlan glanced up from the weekend papers spread over the table, then looked down at them again and sipped his coffee. He was wearing the shorts and singlet that he’d slept in. The newspaper rustled when he turned the page, and he flattened it with his hand as he shrugged.
Zoe persisted. ‘I have the day off, I want to do something as a family. It’d be nice, wouldn’t it? I feel like all we’ve been doing is working and getting through each day. Let’s go and have some fun.’
‘What do you want to do then?’ he asked flatly.
‘Anything! We could have a picnic in the park, go and visit someone, go to the swimming pool, the zoo …’
‘Who would we go and visit?’
Zoe shook her head. ‘Oh, I don’t know! Anyone! Your mum and dad? My parents?’
‘I spoke to Dad yesterday. Anyway, I can’t really be bothered talking to them, I’ve got nothing new to say.’
Zoe closed her eyes briefly. ‘Well, what else?’
Lachlan looked up, eyes flashing with irritation. ‘Fine, we’ll go to the zoo.’
‘You don’t have to say it like that.’
‘Are you ready then?’ His face set, he started shuffling the papers together.
Zoe stared at him, then held her nightshirt away from her body with her thumb and forefinger. ‘Yes, sure, I’ll go like this. Of course I’m not ready! Are you?’
‘Yep. I’ve just got to change.’
‘No, there’s a lot more to do than that. We need to wake Louise from her nap, get her dressed, pack her bottle and some snacks, put the stroller in the car, get the sunscreen and hats …’
‘We’re not going into the bush, Zoe, it’s only the zoo.’
Zoe’s eyes stung with tears. Her shoulders slumped and she began to turn away, then she felt the anger surge through her. ‘Don’t be so bloody rude to me, Lachlan! You just sit there all day while I do everything. You don’t think I’d like to read the paper, to sit and have a coffee?’
He glared at her. ‘So why don’t you? Louise is asleep. Just sit down and read the bloody paper.’
‘Well, I can’t, can I? Have you even noticed that already this morning I’ve tidied up the breakfast things, emptied the dishwasher, washed and hung out a load of washing, fed and changed Louise and put her down to sleep —’
‘Fine!’ Lachlan shouted, slamming his palm down on the table. ‘Neither of us will read the paper.’ He put his hands on the edge of the table and pushed his chair back, the legs scraping across the floor.
‘Shh! For God’s sake, you’ll wake the baby.’
He shook his head at her, his jaw jutting. Zoe flinched. He’d never before looked at her with such contempt, and for a moment, she hated him too. She turned around and went back down the hallway to the bathroom, her hands shaking. So this was how it felt to watch your marriage unravel. She was trying to bring them all closer, but more and more she longed for the days when Lachlan used to work away. At least then they didn’t fight, and she didn’t cry every day. Involuntarily, she’d begun to imagine life without him, a future where it was just her and Louise, and it scared her to know how enticing it seemed. She cupped her hand over her mouth as if she could catch the unspoken thought before it could be sensed by Lachlan, or, worse, by Louise.
As she closed the bathroom door and turned on the shower, Zoe allowed herself to cry silently. Louise deserved better than this. She deserved the mum and dad who had wanted her so much, who had done everything in their power to have her, not parents torn apart by hostility. Louise had been conceived out of love, out of hope and good intentions, but was the very way in which she had entered the world the thing that would break up her family?
Zoe took off her nightclothes and old knickers then glanced at them discarded on the floor. She must look a fright. This breakdown in their marriage wasn’t all Lachlan’s fault; she’d stopped trying to make an effort for him too. She stepped into the shower and let the hot water scald her skin until her shoulders were pink. Then the water pressure fell and the trickle of water turned cold. Of all the times that Lachlan decided to help, it was when she was in the shower. He knew that turning on the kitchen tap shut off the hot water to the bathroom. Zoe banged her fist into the tiled wall.
‘Lachlan!’ she shouted, though she knew he wouldn’t hear her. ‘The water!’
She took some deep breaths. She had to get control of herself; she was falling to pieces. Was he really the problem, or was she? He wasn’t the only man who never did the washing, and he did stay home all day with Louise. She turned off the water, still a cold trickle, then stepped out to get ready for the zoo.
A few weeks later, Zoe leaned her elbows on the desk in the treatment room, a small area off the corridor at the back of the ward, and cradled her head in her arms. She closed her eyes but that just made her feel more dizzy. The sounds around her were muffled. She could hear a baby crying from somewhere down the corridor, and a phone ringing, and a high-pitched pager going off, and some laughter, but all the sounds merged into one noise that faded and amplified in time with the pounding blows in her head.
She opened her eyes, stood up slowly, then staggered towards the medication cupboard above the sink. She unlocked it and found some paracetamol, then ran the tap and cupped her shaking hand under the lukewarm water. One of the tablets stuck to the base of her tongue and the bitter powder began to dissolve. She gagged, then leaned over the sink and retched, bringing up the one tablet she had managed to get down. Sweat dripped down her face. She wanted to lie on the floor and cry, but she still had hours left of her shift. She turned the cold tap on full to wash the tablet down the sink, and splashed her face with the tepid water.
‘God, Zoe, are you OK?’
The voice behind her made her jump; she hadn’t heard anyone come in.
Zoe grabbed a paper towel from the dispenser above the sink and blotted her face, hoping that her make-up hadn’t run everywhere. She turned around and saw one of the other nurses, Mei, frowning at her.
‘Yeah. No … just a migraine.’
‘You look terrible.’ Mei steered Zoe over to the examining couch and sat her down.
‘I was just trying to take some painkillers.’
‘Sit there, I’ll get you some. Do you get a lot of migraines?’
Zoe shook her head. She used to get headaches, but nothing like this. Mei didn’t know about the lupus; Zoe hadn’t told many people at work. She had learned as a teenager that people treated you differently when they knew you had a chronic illness. Every headache or rash became a relapse. She knew that she needed to call her rheumatologist. This was probably just a migraine, but it could be something so much worse: her kidneys failing, the lupus attacking her brain. She couldn’t afford to be sick, not now. Not with Lachlan out of work. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She hadn’t felt well when she woke up this morning, but had thought it was just exhaustion. Lachlan had been so restless during the night, tossing and turning; he eventually got up and went to watch TV on the couch, but she still hadn’t been able to sleep. She was so tired. Tired of not sleeping, tired of worrying, tired of feeling torn between Louise and work and Lachlan, tired of having to work as well as organise everything at home.
She shook her head. ‘Sorry, I’ll be OK in a minute.’ But she couldn’t stop crying.
Mei pulled a few tissues from the box on the counter and handed the wad to her. ‘I think you need to go home.’
Zoe wiped her eyes. ‘No, I’ll be fine. It’s just this damn headache.’ But she had barely finished the sentence before the tears began to fall again. She hated for others to see her like this. She must look a mess. ‘Sorry, I’m not usually … I’ll be OK, seriously, just give me a few minutes.’
‘No,’ Mei said. ‘I’ll tell Liz, we’ll manage for the rest of the shift. You need to go home and lie down.’
Zoe thought of home, thought of closing the door of her bedroom and crawling under the blankets, and knew it was all she wanted to do. Relief soaked through her. ‘I just feel bad leaving you all to cover for me.’
‘Don’t be stupid. I’ll close this door behind me so you can make yourself look pretty, then just go, I’ll sort it out.’
Zoe looked up through her tears. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes! Stop arguing!’
Zoe nodded and sniffed. ‘OK, thanks.’
Mei left and closed the door behind her. Zoe reached into the pocket of her work pants and took out her mobile. Lachlan answered straight away; Zoe was so relieved to hear his voice.
‘I don’t feel well,’ she sobbed.
‘Oh no, what’s wrong?’ He sounded tense.
‘A migraine or something, I don’t know. I hope it’s nothing else. I … can you come and get me? I don’t want to get the bus home.’ The thought of standing out in public waiting for a bus, then sitting next to a stranger made Zoe want to weep anew.
‘Yes, of course.’
Zoe let out a sigh. ‘Thank you. When can you come?’
‘Are you ready to go now?’
‘Yes.’ Zoe knew her voice was as high as a child’s, but that was what she felt like. She wanted someone to look after her for a change. ‘I’m sorry, I know it’s almost time for Louise’s lunch, but —’
‘It’s fine. I’ll leave now, I’ll be about fifteen minutes. I’ll pick you up out the front?’
‘Yes, thanks, I’ll be there.’
Zoe put the phone back in her pocket. To get out of the building, she would have to walk past everyone: the patients and their parents, the other nurses, the doctors. She couldn’t go out there like this. She closed her eyes and pressed her fingertips to her temples, as if she could squeeze the pain out of her head, and counted her breaths slowly until she began to feel calmer. Standing up, she washed her face again, then patted it dry and opened the door. She kept her head down as she grabbed her bag from the nurses’ station, and didn’t look up as she hurried out of the ward.
Outside, she sat on a bench at the front of the hospital, feeling the damp seeping into her pants. There were small puddles at the side of the road from the autumn showers. She breathed in, and leaned her head back to let the breeze cool her face. Her head still thumped, but the tightness around her temples was starting to slacken. She took her phone out of her pocket again and looked at the time: it had been ten minutes since she’d called Lachlan. He’d be here soon.
A horn beeped; Zoe looked up and saw their car in the ambulance bay. She smiled, then knew she was going to cry again. Was it relief? Or did she want to make sure that Lachlan knew she wasn’t faking it and that she needed him to look after her?
Zoe dropped her phone in her bag, stood up and ran the few steps to the car. She opened the door, flung her bag in, then sat down and closed the door.
Lachlan glanced in the rear-view mirror, then drove out of the ambulance bay. ‘You OK?’ he asked, his forehead furrowed in concern.
Zoe nodded and burst into tears. ‘I just feel horrible … Sorry, I shouldn’t.’ She wiped her eyes then turned around and looked into the empty baby seat. ‘Where’s Louise?’
Lachlan glanced at her. ‘Nadia’s got her.’ He indicated right and leaned forward to peer over the steering wheel, beginning to edge the car out into the traffic.
Zoe froze. ‘What? Why does Nadia have her? I only needed a lift, you could have brought her.’ She paused, thinking. ‘How did you have time? I only spoke to you ten minutes ago.’
‘She was already with her,’ he said casually.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Nadia dropped in this morning, offered to take her to the park.’
Zoe couldn’t breathe. ‘I didn’t know that. You never told me …’
Lachlan frowned. ‘You were at work. I didn’t think there was anything to tell.’
Zoe had stopped crying now and was looking at him with dawning dread. ‘Has this happened before?’
‘What? Yes, a couple of times. It’s no big deal.’ He accelerated hard and turned right, then settled back in his seat as the traffic eased. ‘Do you want to go somewhere for lunch?’
‘Lunch? I … Lachlan, I’m really sick, I just want to go home.’
‘I thought maybe it’d make you feel better, it’d be nice to have lunch out, without the baby.’
‘I just want to go and get Louise,’ Zoe said, her teeth gritted. He clearly didn’t think there was an issue. Did he think that inviting her out to lunch would justify his actions?
‘Jesus, Zoe, she’s with Nadia, she’s fine.’
‘But she shouldn’t be with Nadia, she should be with you. The only thing that’s been keeping me going at work is knowing that she’s with her father. I don’t want Nadia looking after her!’
‘She is with me! It’s just a couple of hours – you’re overreacting, babe.’
‘God, Lachlan, you’re so … self-absorbed recently. Can’t you understand why I wouldn’t want Nadia looking after our baby? Do I have to spell it out?’
Lachlan glared at her. Zoe stared back, challenging him to respond, then looked out the windscreen. ‘Watch where you’re going.’
‘I’m —’
‘Just look where you’re bloody driving, Lachlan!’
He clenched his jaw and looked forward. ‘You’re being ridiculous, Zoe.’
Zoe sank down in her seat. She wanted to open the door and jump out of the car, get away from him. She was so tired and hated working, but when Lachlan had the opportunity to spend all his time with his daughter, he palmed her off to the last person in the world who should be looking after her. And why had he kept it a secret? What did he have to hide? What did they talk about while she was dealing with dying kids and their distraught parents? She could picture them, Lachlan and Nadia, having morning tea while their child, Louise, played at their feet. A picture of a happy family. Surely not? Was that what this was all about – Lachlan and Nadia? She dismissed it; she trusted Lachlan. And Nadia. Zoe hated this feeling; she knew it too well. Was she merely jealous, though? That implied some fault on her part; it was an ugly word for an ugly person. Zoe was just trying to protect her family. She wasn’t the one keeping secrets.
She looked out of the window. What did she have to do before Lachlan woke up and saw how she was feeling? What kind of a state would she have to be in before he’d show her that he loved her, cared about her? She sniffed hard and wiped her eyes again, not sure that he cared about her at all.
She remembered reading once that a relationship was most likely to break down in the first year after having a baby. At the time she hadn’t believed it, never imagining that having a new child could be anything but bliss. Yes, there would be hard situations, but surely having a child together would be the thing that brought you closer as a couple, that took your marriage to a deeper level? There was a baby who needed you both – wasn’t that enough to keep you together? It was for her; why not for Lachlan?
He was driving in the direction of home now. Zoe stared straight ahead. ‘I take it we’re not going for lunch then?’ She knew she was being unreasonable, but she wanted to provoke him, to force him to engage with her.
He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and didn’t look at her. ‘No. You made it quite clear you didn’t want to.’
Zoe’s lower lip trembled. ‘Well, if it’s all right with you, I’m going straight to bed. I’m sure you can manage to feed Louise and get her down when Nadia brings her back.’
‘Fine.’
Zoe pressed her lips together tightly and held her head in her left hand against the passenger window. She thought about Louise, and what she and Nadia were doing together right now. As they drove over the bridge to Fremantle, she saw the huge ships packed full of sheep bleating in distress. She looked beyond them, to the fishing boats motoring out the neck of the Swan River into the Indian Ocean, and the ferry sailing to Rottnest Island, where there was space, air, room to breathe.