Lou and her parents sat in their usual chairs in Ross’s office. They had been coming here for months now, and even though things had definitely been better at home, it seemed to Lou that they were just covering the same old stuff every week. Sometimes she saw Ross alone, and that was easier. She dreaded these family sessions; not because she found it any more difficult, as she knew very well by now how to play the game, but because she hated seeing her parents get upset. When her mum cried, or her dad squirmed and clenched his fists and talked so slowly and quietly that she knew he was only just holding it together, Lou wanted to scream at them: I’m the child, you’re the grown-ups! You’re meant to be in control here. She supposed that Ross thought it was helpful for her to see that her parents were just people too, that they had emotions and flaws, but she needed to believe that they knew what they were doing; she needed them to hold the boundaries of her life firm so that she knew exactly where she belonged.
‘How have things been?’ Ross said, smiling and settling back into his chair.
‘Lou has been doing much better at school, haven’t you?’
Lou glared at her mum, hating the sickly-sweet voice and the hopeful smile. ‘I suppose so,’ she said. She had been getting better grades, it was true, even if it was mainly to keep her parents off her back. She was also sensible enough to know that this was her final year at school. In two months she’d be done with it, and she needed to get into university. While she told her parents that she didn’t care about it, she did. She wasn’t ready to work: what would she do? No job she could find would pay enough to get an apartment of her own, or even a room in a share house, and that would mean she was stuck at home. She wanted to leave Perth, study somewhere far away from here, maybe Melbourne or Sydney, like Charlotte, Violet and Harry had done.
They were all still looking at her, waiting. ‘My exams are next month, so I’ve been studying a lot,’ she said reluctantly.
‘And are you finding that you’re able to concentrate all right on your studies?’ Ross asked.
She shrugged and nodded.
‘We’re very proud of Lou, and how she’s turned things around in the past few months.’
Lou looked at her dad from the corner of her eye; he too was smiling at her. Why didn’t he tell her that when they were at home, instead of flicking through his emails constantly? She wondered why they came here when it was clear that all three of them were just putting on an act – but for whose benefit, she wasn’t sure.
Ross put the palms of his hands together as if he was praying. ‘Well, it certainly seems as if things are improving. Slowly but surely!’
Lou raised her eyebrows. He looked pleased with himself, as if it was his doing.
Her mum cleared her throat. ‘We have something we – well, Lou – wants to ask you. After her exams … well, it’s year twelve, and it’s schoolies, you know, she’s graduating from high school and going off to university. Well, hopefully. Anyway, Lou’s friends from school are going to Rottnest for a few nights. We’re just a bit anxious about letting her go, you know, after all the trouble she’s been in before.’ She laughed. ‘We’ve all been there, I’m not naive enough to think they’ll be sitting around playing Scrabble!’ Then she spoke more quietly. ‘There’ll be alcohol.’
‘I won’t be drinking, Mum. As you’ve told me a hundred times, I’m still under age.’
‘Well, Lou, I know the pub will be strict with ID, but that won’t apply in the houses.’
‘The police check on all the parties, so I won’t be able to drink.’ Lou looked at her mum with her eyebrows raised and her hands held open, but they both knew that everyone would be drinking, including her. That was what you did when you finished school. But this was the game, the dance they needed to go through, otherwise they’d never let her go.
Still smiling, her mum turned back to Ross. ‘You can understand that we’re a little unsure. It is true that Lou has been trying really hard since she was arrested, since we started coming here. She’s done all the right things, and she hasn’t been using alcohol or drugs, or self-harming.’
‘Is that true, Lou?’ Ross tilted his head to the side. Lou knew that he was trying to get her to be honest: she had admitted to him that in those early weeks, while her friends abandoned her and her parents argued in shrill whispers, she’d cut herself a few times. She’d been careful, doing it on her thighs and her stomach, where her parents wouldn’t see, but she’d been honest with Ross when she’d said she wasn’t trying to seriously hurt herself. It was just what she had needed to do to relieve the tension, to feel something. He also knew that she wasn’t doing it any more, that she hadn’t for ages now.
‘Yes, it’s true.’
‘Can you understand why your parents would be anxious about you going away, unsupervised, to a place where we all know it will get pretty wild?’ He smiled again, and nodded at everyone in the room.
‘Yes, of course.’
‘Talk to them, not me.’ Ross waved his hand towards her parents.
Lou hated this, the way he used his touchy-feely counselling tricks. Just because he forced her to talk to them in this room didn’t mean he was magically transforming their family. She pursed her lips and sighed loudly, then swivelled her body round.
‘Yes, Mum and Dad, I can understand why you’re worried. You’re scared that I’ll get into trouble again, or that I might come to some harm. But I’m worried about the fact that I’m about to turn eighteen, that I’ll be going off to uni in a couple of months – if I get in – and you won’t trust me to go away for three days with the friends I’ve known my whole life. If you can’t trust me now, what’s going to happen when I leave home soon?’
Her mum frowned, and looked at Ross, then her dad, who sat forward. ‘Lou, we do trust you. Your mother and I are worried, but it’s because we love you very much.’ His voice broke; Lou shifted in her chair and started wiggling her toes inside her school shoes, but he managed to compose himself. ‘As you know, we said we’d discuss it here because we think it’s also important to involve Ross in the decision.’ He looked at Ross.
‘Well, it’s not my decision to make, I’m afraid. This is something that you as a family need to decide.’
Lou pressed her lips together to stop herself from smiling.
‘But I will say,’ Ross continued, ‘that Lou’s behaviour has been quite stable for the past few months, and she has a point about trust. It seems that she is asking you to let her prove to you how much she’s changed.’
Lou watched her parents as they looked at each other. Her mother was biting her lip, her dad scratching his chin. She knew that they wanted to go and talk about it between themselves in private. Well, this was about communication, wasn’t it? After all, it was her life they were making a decision about. ‘Well?’ she asked.
Her mum sighed, then nodded a little. ‘OK.’
‘Yes!’ Lou shouted, grinning. She jumped out of her chair and went over to hug her parents. They both laughed and hugged her back.
‘But,’ her dad said in a stern voice, ‘between now and then you must study hard, and if there’s any concerning behaviour before then, the trip’s off, OK?’
Her mum added, ‘And I need you to tell me where you’re staying, who you’re staying with, and you must have your mobile phone on all the time, and be contactable. Otherwise I will come over there and collect you myself, understand?’
‘Yes, Mum!’
Her dad grinned and leaned towards her, speaking in a stage whisper. ‘And what could be worse than your mother arriving on Rotto in the middle of schoolies?’
Lou grinned back. Finally, she had something to look forward to.
Lou jostled at the exit with everyone else as they waited to alight from the ferry. There was a cheer from the crowd of teenagers when the door opened and they all poured out, down the ramp onto the jetty. Lou still felt queasy from the big swell on the trip over; she took a deep breath, and stretched her arms up. She straightened up and took off her hoodie, then tied it around her waist. The sun was warm now she was out of the sea breeze, and her nausea started to settle.
She looked around at the other kids on the jetty. Many she knew, but school leavers from all over Perth were here this weekend. Most of the kids from her school had grown up spending summer holidays on Rotto, either in rented villas or staying on their parents’ boats, moored in one of the bays. Lou had only been here twice before: once on a primary school excursion, and another time on Astrid’s dad’s boat when Astrid’s older brother was doing the Rotto swim. Her parents had never brought her here, though; they had always preferred to go south, to a house they rented every summer in Eagle Bay. It wasn’t that Lou hadn’t loved it there; she had – swimming among rays and schools of fish in the clear water of the sheltered bay, fishing with her grandad, cycling through the bush with the other kids. But Rottnest had always been there across the ocean, unreachable, teasing her with glimpses of the white lighthouse.
Now she was here, standing on the island. Exams were finished, school was over forever, and she had three nights of freedom, away from her parents, to relax and have fun with her friends. She couldn’t wait.
She and Astrid chatted while their bikes were unloaded from the ferry. They waited until the police dogs had sniffed them for drugs, then pushed their bicycles along the jetty towards the visitor centre. They had booked a three-bedroom villa with four other girls from school. Two of them – Melissa and Claire – had already turned eighteen, so they had to collect the key. It had already been decided that Lou and Astrid would share one bedroom, Melissa and Claire the second, and Julietta and Heather the third. Theo and Ben were staying in the same bay with friends from their own school.
The two girls came out of the office, grinning. ‘Got the keys!’ Claire said. ‘Let’s go!’
They all jumped onto their bikes, fastened their helmets in case the police were watching, then set off. Lou soon found her balance and pedalled hard, listening to the crunch of the sand under the tyres and the flap of her thongs against her heels as she rode out of Thomson Bay, along the edge of the salt lakes, then up the hill until Geordie Bay was spread out below them. They found their villa, propped their bikes against the wall of the small courtyard, and ran inside to claim their beds.
Their bags had already been delivered. Lou threw hers on the single bed nearest the window in one of the tiny bedrooms. The walls were whitewashed brick, and thin blue curtains hung at the window. Between the two beds was a small table, and on the far wall was a set of wooden shelves.
Lou opened her backpack and took out the cooler bag that her mum had packed for her and went through to the living area. The polished cork floor was already coated in a film of fine sand. She put the bag on the kitchen table, then rummaged around in it: a box of muesli bars, three apples, a bottle of lemon cordial, a bag of chips, a block of cheese, crackers, and a plastic bottle of multivitamin tablets. Lou smiled as she opened the vitamins. Chewing on one, she hurried back to the bedroom where Astrid was looking through her own bag.
‘Beach?’ Lou said.
Astrid smiled. ‘Definitely! Everyone’s meeting there at twelve.’ She turned back to her bag. ‘I’m just trying to find my bikini …’
‘I’ll go put mine on now.’
In the bathroom, Lou changed into her bikini then stood as far back from the mirror as she could in the tiny room. She had to stand on tiptoe to see herself. She turned from side to side. There were still some scabs on her stomach, just above her hipbones. She tied her sarong around her waist to hide them. She’d lie on her stomach on the beach.
Astrid knocked on the door. ‘Hurry up!’
‘Coming!’ Lou checked the mirror again, then opened the door and ran back through to the bedroom. She unfolded a beach bag, packed her towel, hat and sunscreen, put on her sunglasses and hurried after Astrid.
The afternoon was beautiful: the sun shone, the sea was calm, the breeze was little more than a whisper. Throughout the day, more and more teenagers arrived on the beach, squealing and shrieking as they hugged and kissed their friends. Lou could see that even in this idyllic setting the usual rules applied: there were cliques to which you either belonged or didn’t. Even without knowing them she could work out which groups people belonged to by their swimwear, sunglasses, hairstyles.
Melissa came back from a swim, water dripping off her goose-bumped skin. ‘God, the water’s cold.’ She shook the sand off her towel and wrapped it around herself. ‘Some guys out there are pissed already. They’re trying to snorkel, but they’re going to get themselves in trouble.’
‘Who are they?’ Astrid asked, looking up from her magazine.
Melissa shrugged. ‘No one we know. Hey, I’m going back to have a shower and get ready for tonight. We’re heading to the pub soon.’ She waved her hand towards Claire.
‘So unfair,’ Lou said. ‘Do you reckon we could sneak in?’
‘No chance,’ Astrid said. ‘Have you seen how many cops are around? And they’ve got extra bouncers on all weekend to check ID.’
Lou sighed and sat up. A breeze blew in off the water and she shivered. ‘It’s getting chilly now. Why can’t schoolies be during February or something? Should we get something to eat?’
Julietta rolled onto her side, moving into the shrinking patch of afternoon sun. ‘The boys are having a barbie at their place. I said we’d bring some sausages or something. Shall we go to the store and get some?’
‘Sounds good.’ Lou looked at Claire. ‘Before you guys go to the pub, can you go to the bottle shop for us?’
‘Yeah, if you hurry.’
Lou grinned. ‘Yes! Let’s go now. It’s going to be a great night!’ She sat up, brushed the sand off her elbows and gathered up her things.
And she was having a great night. Lou drank bottles of lime-flavoured vodka mixers with her friends, while they laughed and celebrated being out of school forever. Music blared from portable speakers, and teenagers from the neighbouring villas trickled into the party. Every so often someone would get a call from a friend in another part of the island to warn them that the police were patrolling, and they’d all rush inside and turn the music down so they didn’t get done for under-age drinking.
As she tossed back her head and laughed, Lou watched Theo talking to his friends and saw that he was watching her too. She smiled a little at him, knowing that this weekend, they’d get back together. It wasn’t really his fault that he’d had to move on from her: Lou had been under lock and key for so long, she couldn’t expect him to wait for her forever. But this weekend there was no one hovering around keeping an eye on her; for the first time in as long as she could remember, she was in control. This was what it felt like to be an adult.
Lou was having trouble keeping track of the conversation. She’d lost count of how many bottles she’d drunk. It was dark now, and the villa they were in – a different one to earlier – was crammed with people dancing. Her thongs stuck to the tacky floor as she elbowed her way through the crowd to the verandah to get some fresh air. Outside, about half a dozen people were leaning on the railing, or sitting on the floor, smoking. Someone was passing a joint around; the sweet smell of marijuana was thick in the night air.
Lou stumbled over someone’s leg then found a space in the corner of the verandah. She sat down and rested her head on her bent knees as the world around her spun. She swallowed the saliva pooling beneath her tongue, then clasped her hand over her mouth as she gagged. She struggled to her feet and ran back through the crowd then down the wooden steps at the front of the villa. Her guts began to heave; she took her hand off her mouth and braced herself against a tree as she retched. When it was over, she wiped away the tears running from her eyes, then checked the front of her dress for vomit, but all she could see was a damp patch from where she’d spilled her drink earlier.
Her eyes had adjusted to the darkness. She was about ten metres away from the light spilling out of the villa, but it felt much further. The music and voices behind her sounded distant, drowned by the hissing and gentle crashing of the waves on the sand. The ocean breeze brought snatches of laughter from the boats lit up on their moorings in the bay. She walked away from the pool of vomit, towards the water, then collapsed on the sand. Her mouth tasted foul, of sour bile and sweet, sugary alcopops; she wished she was at home in her own bed. She stretched her arms out behind her and tipped back her head until she was looking up at the sky. The stars were brighter here, away from the lights of the city, but they were blurred and moving in small circles. Lou groaned as she started to feel dizzy again, then tipped her head forward. The wind blew; she blinked as sand as fine as dust scratched her eyes. She inhaled deeply, then gagged. The air, rather than being fresh, smelled rotten. She tried to breathe through her mouth but the taste of decay stuck to her tongue. Putting the top of her dress over her mouth and nose to act as a filter, she looked to either side of her, but it was too dark to see what might be the source of the smell. She remembered the dugites, long dark-brown snakes, that she’d seen curled up earlier on the beach, resting in the shade of the rock overhangs, and then the tiger sharks and great whites swimming around the island. Her heart racing, she stood up quickly and ran back towards the party.
She found Theo and tapped him on the shoulder. His eyes were glazed, threaded with thin red lines. He smiled, a lazy, cocky smile. ‘Hey,’ he slurred. ‘I wondered when you’d come and say hello. Been ignoring me?’
Lou raised her eyebrows. ‘Hardly. I think you’ve been avoiding me …’
He leaned towards her, the tang of Red Bull on his breath. She hoped she didn’t smell of vomit. ‘Stay there,’ she said, leaning forward and kissing him on the lips. ‘I need to get a drink, I’ll be right back.’ He winked at her.
Lou went to look for a bottle of vodka. At this time of night there was always one belonging to someone who was too pissed to remember to hide it. She headed to the small kitchen, then noticed that everyone was going the opposite way, out of the villa. She paused, looking around.
Theo grabbed her hand. ‘Come on,’ he said. ‘There’s a dead whale at Stark Bay. Apparently there’s heaps of sharks eating it. Let’s go!’
‘Where? I —’
‘Come on, it’s not far. Grab your bike.’
‘But —’ Lou didn’t know why she was protesting. Of course she’d go. Everyone was going, Theo was going. ‘Wait for me, don’t go without me.’
She ran back to her villa, only a few houses away, and grabbed her bike from outside. Astrid’s was gone already; the villa was empty. Smiling, Lou found the key under the rock near the front door, then grabbed the bottle of vodka that they’d hidden under a bed for tomorrow night, and shoved it in her bag. She pedalled back to the party where Theo was waiting for her.
Lou didn’t have lights on her bike, but the tourist bus didn’t go this late, and there were no other cars on the island, so she just concentrated on following the noises of the cyclists in front of her. Now that her eyes had readjusted to the dark, she relaxed. This was a beautiful way to see the island, even if the putrid smell was getting stronger as they cycled west. ‘Wait, Theo,’ she laughed as she tried to pedal up a steep hill. ‘Wait for me!’
He stopped and put one foot on the ground. The others kept going. Lou jumped off her bike, giggling, and pushed it up the hill towards him. As she neared him, he smiled again and took her hand, then led her to the edge of the road. She smiled as she stumbled. ‘What are you doing?’
‘I don’t know, what are you doing?’ he mumbled. He pulled her further back from the road, then put his arms around her waist. ‘I missed you.’ He began to kiss her, and she kissed him back. Her lips were dry, and stung as his kisses became more insistent. Her mouth was parched; she needed a drink.
‘Wait,’ she whispered, and took the bottle of vodka from her bag. She unscrewed it and took a swig, then coughed as it burned her throat and the back of her nose. She passed it to Theo and he drank some too, then kissed her again. The alcohol hit her bloodstream and warmed her body as Theo’s hands seemed to be all over her at once: down the back of her dress; under her skirt; tangled in her hair. Her head jerked back as his fingers stuck in the knots. She groaned. They dropped to the ground. She heard the whirr of wheels as someone cycled up the hill past them, but she wasn’t embarrassed; she felt brave, daring. It made it better, more exciting. Her fingers fumbled with the drawstring on Theo’s board shorts; at that moment, she knew what was going to happen. She ignored the anxiety in her stomach. As he slipped the straps of her dress off her shoulders, she scolded herself for being so prudish. She was an adult now. She had left school, she would soon leave home, and here was the ideal place to leave her childhood behind.
Afterwards, they lay on their backs on the sandy ground and looked at the stars. They talked, they laughed, and they drank the vodka. Lou couldn’t stop smiling. It was as if the past few months hadn’t happened. She and Theo were perfect together, and as they talked about their dreams and plans for the future, she never wanted the night to end. She saw a shooting star, then the sky spinning, and she laughed. Her skin felt hot and she couldn’t really understand what Theo was saying any more as his voice got louder and softer, louder and softer, but she knew that she felt wonderful. She picked up the vodka bottle again and frowned as she realised it was almost empty. But then she felt cold, and her arms and legs began to shiver, then shake, and her teeth chattered, and Theo was telling her to get up but he didn’t understand that her limbs were too heavy and she couldn’t move them, but she was so cold, and everything was going round and round, but then she felt the hot trickle of urine scalding her freezing legs, and she couldn’t understand what Theo was saying to her, and then someone was screaming and lifting her, and then it all went dark.