students clambering over desks to protect their friend. After everyone had let off steam, Ambrose simply turned to the class and in a quiet, menacing voice said:
‘OK, that’s enough now. Let’s get down to some work. Start exercise ten.’
The proverbial pin could be heard.
Physics was taught by a Bart Jarvis, an absent-minded scientist who had no class control whatsoever, despite his breaking several long, scientific rulers on the bottoms of his badly behaved, unwilling learners. It was in one of their early attempts to introduce sexual implications into physics that the smokers’ club members came to grief.
Bart was demonstrating the expansion of iron and had to set up his apparatus to show how the coefficient of this metal was arrived at.
‘It’s definitely got much bigger,’ said Oscar.
‘And longer,’ said Billy.
‘And thicker,’ added Robin.
‘Look at the bulbous bit on the end,’ said Nobby.
‘It looks like a poker,’ said Titch.
‘And can you see all that stuff bubbling and spurting out,’ said Oily, indicating the boiling water in the retort | flask.
Bart ignored the ribald comments and continued with I the experiment. At the end of the lesson, however, he : looked up from his notes and said:
‘Class dismissed, but would the following remain i behind: Gabrielson, Hopkins, Hardy, Nodder, Smalley : and Wilde.’
‘Uh-oh,’ said Titch. ‘Trouble.’
‘I want all of you to know,’ said Bart, ‘that I understood 1 every disgusting reference you made during my lesson. If it ever happens again, I shall report you to Brother Dorian i and you will probably be expelled.’
Bart had no more trouble.
It was in English and history that the club extracted most of its fun and entertainment.
English was taught by a little, elderly, dull-eared brother, nicknamed ‘Baldy’ for obvious reasons, who seemed out of touch with all that was going on around him. When he had first made his appearance, the whole class had broken down in paroxysms of suppressed laughter and heads had disappeared under desks for a good five minutes.
‘I’m going to test your knowledge of grammar,’ he snapped, slapping his elbow to his side. ‘Give me an example of an adjectival clause.’
Oscar raised his hand immediately.
‘The bag which was found in the alley had not been used.’
‘Excellent,’ he said, chalking it up on the blackboard with a noisy sucking-in of his breath with every word that he wrote.
The class watched, hardly able to contain its delight that he had fallen for it.
‘Next, a noun phrase as subject of a sentence.’
‘The survival of this country depends on the high quality of its seamen,’ offered Nobby.
‘Very good indeed,’ said Baldy, putting it up on the board with his loud siphoning noises. ‘Now, can anyone give me a sentence containing an adverbial phrase of place?’
‘In the forest, the two boys espied two beautiful big tits,’ said Oily.
‘Excellent,’ exclaimed Baldy. ‘I’m glad to see that you all know your grammar and your parts of speech. What about figures of speech? Give me an example of a hyperbole.’