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‘I’m not in for dinner.’ I’m expecting Tania to have a go at me for not letting her know earlier. Right now I’d love her to have a go at me. I could take all the stuff that’s rushing through my head and channel it all into taking her down.
‘Fine.’ She’s sitting in the conservatory, with Dad, with the laptop on her knee. I stick my head through the kitchen door before I go through to them. There’s nothing even in the oven anyway. I make myself take four deep breaths before I go through. I’m not going to say anything to her today. I’m going to wait until I’ve got all the evidence. I’m not going to give her time to come up with a lie or an excuse. I go into the conservatory and sit on the armchair.
‘I said I won’t be in for dinner. Dom’s taking me out.’
I don’t dwell on that. Dom’s taking me out and I’m going to tell him it’s over. Probably. It has to be over, doesn’t it? Otherwise what happened with Alex was definitely cheating. I’m not a cheater. I know what some people think of me. They think I’m spoilt. They think I’m self-involved. But I don’t cheat. I keep trying not to think about the evening, trying not to picture Dom’s face, or imagine what I’m actually going to say. It’s just a vague distant thing in the future.
‘That’s fine.’ Tania is all smiley. ‘I haven’t even started making anything.’
My dad looks at his watch. ‘We could get takeaway. Or go out?’
Dad never suggests takeaway, or going out on a week night.
‘Chinese? I’d love a Chinese.’ Tania scurries off into the kitchen to find a menu.
I wait for her to get back. ‘Full of MSG. That’s like so bad for you. And you’d better not have fried rice. You’ve still got a wedding dress to get into.’
I hear myself doing this to her all the time. It’s becoming a habit I can’t break. She looks at me. ‘The dress fits fine.’
She turns to my dad. ‘Anyway, do you think we should tell Emily what we’re discussing?’
He nods. My stomach tightens. I knew she was acting weird. Maybe she’s pregnant. She can’t be. She’s too old, isn’t she? I can picture it. Tania lolling around the place all day with a horrendous screaming brat latched to her boob.
My dad’s talking. I try to tune in. ‘... been thinking about it for a while, but I’m wondering if it’s the right time to retire.’
Retire? That means he’ll be lolling around the house all day. Better than a baby at least. It won’t happen though. I laugh. ‘Oh Dad. You’re never going to retire. You’re a workaholic.’
He nods. ‘That has certainly been true, but I’m getting older, Emmy, and it’s all bureaucracy and targets these days. A younger man’s game I think.’
He sounds serious. That means I’ll be working for someone else. I’ve always worked for my dad. Ever since I dropped out of university as a student after one term, and he got me the junior departmental assistant job, I’ve always worked for him. A new boss. I’m not sure I like that.
Dad keeps talking. ‘And, once I’ve retired, we think that it’s time for Tania and I to make a new life for the two of us. He glances at her. ‘So we’re thinking of moving. To Northumbria maybe.’
Tania spins the laptop around so I can see. It’s an estate agency site. Houses in the country. Cottages by the coast. Outbuildings. Secluded gardens. Sea views. All that crap. Northumbria. It’s where we used to go on holidays when I was little, after Mum... went away. ‘You can’t move to Northumbria.’
Tania responds. ‘Why not?’
‘Well, where will I live? I live here.’
My dad smiles. ‘Well I don’t think you’ll be living here much longer anyway.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Come on. I know things are getting serious with Professor Collins. You’re not going to want to live with your dad once you’re married, are you?’
‘Well ...’ And I can’t finish the sentence, because that is the plan, isn’t it? Marry Dom. Live with him. He can take care of me, and provide for me and for our children, and maybe I won’t even have to worry about the new boss. Probably I could stop work altogether to look after our perfect babies and do yoga, like Tania, and meet people for lunch. Somewhere in the back of my head there’s a voice, Alex’s voice, telling me something different, but I decide to ignore it. I’m not like him or Helen. I’m not strong. I need looking after. Dom can do that. There’s nothing wrong with letting him.