| |
I glance at the clock on the dashboard. 7.55 p.m. I’m only doing this out of curiosity. I don’t care whether he’s there or not. Of course he won’t be there. It was a stupid joke six months ago. He won’t be there. I’m simply curious to check. And if he’s not, I’ll just drive on to Birmingham and catch the last flight up to Newcastle, and spend Christmas with Dad, and Tania and the bump. Six months ago I had a fiancé and I was planning a brood of my own. Now I’m freaking out about being a big sister for the first time.
I pull onto the long gravel entrance road, and drive up to the manor. The building’s in darkness apart from the lamps either side of the door. I guess people don’t book big country weddings this close to Christmas. I get out of the car and sit on the low wall next to the entrance. I’m still early. The fact that he’s not here now doesn’t mean anything. I flick through the messages on my phone. There are two from work, even though it’s three hours past finishing time on Christmas Eve. The new head of history takes workaholic to a whole new level. At least he took my instruction to contact me instead of his departmental assistant seriously. I don’t want my replacement scared off in her first month.
This place is completely different in winter. The trees that were full of life in June are bare and grey now. I remember the noise and the magic and the costumes. It feels like a dream, something fleeting that disappears when you wake up. Only not all dreams are fleeting, and not all nightmares end when you open your eyes. Some of them have to be examined until they lose their sting, but they do lose their sting eventually. I count back in my head. Three and a half weeks since my last nightmare. Even longer since my last panic attack. Three weeks since my last counselling session. I wouldn’t say I was fixed, but I’m a lot less broken than before.
I take another look at my watch. 8.13 p.m. He’s not coming, is he? The realisation hurts more than I expect it too. It’s such a tiny little moment, in a year of huge changes. I’ve been engaged, cheated on my fiancé, broken off an engagement, changed jobs and moved house. My eyes start to sting and water. I try to swallow back the tears, but it’s already too late. This tiny little insignificant moment is going to be one that stays with me. I find my legs carrying me to the top of the steps. I press one hand against the wooden door. It’s locked. Of course it’s locked. It was through that door, maybe ten feet from where I’m standing now, that he promised to be here. I lean my head against the wood and let the tears fall. It’s crazy. He was one stupid mistake. Only he wasn’t a mistake, was he? He was the moment that changed everything. He was the one who believed I could be something more than someone’s daughter and someone’s wife. He just didn’t believe it enough to remember.
I force a deep gulp of air into my lungs and wipe my gloved hand across my eyes. There’s a noise behind me on the gravel. ‘Em?’
I turn around. ‘You came.’
Alex looks up at me with those stupid dark eyes. ‘Of course.’
I can feel a smile fighting against the tears. I remind myself that I’m entitled to be cross with him. My lips purse. ‘You’re late.’