––––––––
After returning to Ephrata, Miriam, her parents and the Fishers all struggled to understand and come to terms with the short sentence Lance Newman was facing. After thinking about it for several days, Miriam realized that she needed to let go of her very human reaction and allow God to take care of the situation.
“You look like you’re feeling much better, Miriam,” Sarah said, mixing cookie dough one afternoon.
Miriam had come into the kitchen for a glass of cool water.
“Ya. I cannot do anything about what might happen to Lance Newman, mamm. All I can do is give it to God and allow him to handle the situation,” she said. And she knew that God’s strength would be enough. She stood as living witness.
“I think we all realized that, daughter. We want to see him spend the rest of his life in prison, but it’s not up to us, is it?”
“Nee. I’m tired of thinking about that horrible man. Instead, I want to think about my baptismal instruction. Bishop Stoltzfus will begin working with me next week!”
“Ya, I know! You’re beginning about four months of instruction, my girl, so make sure you attend to what he teaches you. That will give you the basis for a life as a good Amish woman,” Sarah said as she added walnuts and raisins to the cookie dough.
***
The following week, Miriam met with the bishop in her home.
“Let’s begin with Christ’s forgiveness of those who wronged him,” the bishop said, opening his Bible. “What do you remember from your Bible lessons?”
“He forgave Judas and made the Pharisees forgive the fallen woman,” Miriam said, thinking of what she remembered.
“Ya. And, how can we apply that willingness to forgive to our lives today?” the bishop asked, seeming to look deep into Miriam’s soul.
Miriam shifted uncomfortably, thinking of her recent struggle to let go of her anger at Lance Newman.
“Bishop, we went to the preliminary hearing for Mr. Newman a few weeks ago. When we talked to the district attorney, he told us that Mr. Newman could get – maybe – 10 years in prison if he’s convicted by a jury. I . . . I have to admit to you that I am having a very hard time, or at least I was, when I heard that.”
“And, what have you remembered from your Bible reading?” he asked.
“That God is the only one who decides whether to hold people bound to their sins or not . . . it’s so difficult for me! He tried to kidnap me!”
“Ya, ya, I know. I was there, remember? I don’t really like to talk about this very much, Miss Beiler. But do you remember the shooting of the ten female scholars in Nickel Mines back in 2007? What did the residents of that district do after the shooter injured and killed those children? Hmmm?”
Miriam’s stomach squeezed uncomfortably and she shifted, feeling the weight of her anger.
“I remember that day. It was . . . horrible. I also remember that, even though everyone in Nickel Mines was hurt so badly by the shooter’s actions, they forgave him. They took a meal to his family. They held his father when he started crying. They didn’t want to make things any worse by hating an innocent family, bishop. But . . .”
“No, Miss Beiler. No ‘buts.’ You remembered everything perfectly. Even though they were hurting so badly at the loss of ten such precious lives, they forgave the shooter and his family. Now. I know you struggle with anger and forgiveness in regards to Mr. Newman. Despite the Englischer trial that’s coming up, will you be able to forgive him? Remember, if you cannot unbind him from what he tried to do to you, you will be bound to your own sins forever.”
Miriam sat, looking down at the smooth wood floor of the kitchen. As she did, she rubbed one finger against the binding of her Bible and thought.
“Ya. I know. I’m working on forgiving him, but it is so hard!”
“You are human. It is natural for it to be hard. Just think – when you finally do manage to forgive him, the feeling of lightness will be so precious to you! I have another question for you. When you have to testify at Mr. Newman’s trial, will you be able to do so truthfully?”
Miriam realized that, if she was going to truly have God in her heart, she needed to release her anger at Lance Newman – that her anger bound her, not only to his sins and hers, but to Lance Newman himself.
“Do you mean that I’ll be able to testify without hatred or wanting bad to come to him?” Miriam asked. As she asked this question, her forehead crinkled.
“Exactly.”
“If . . . if I am to be a true Amish woman with love in my heart for everyone . . . I . . . I will have no choice but to forgive him completely,” Miriam said slowly, thinking as she spoke. Nodding firmly, she said, “Yes. Yes, I can. It won’t be easy, but I can . . . and I do . . . forgive him.” Miriam felt a strong sense of relief as she made this realization.
“Do not forget, Miss Beiler . . . forgiveness is not just a one-time event. Your memories and fears will come back. You will experience more anger and frustration at him. And . . . you have to work at forgiving him, day after day. Make it one of the first things you do when you rise in the mornings.”
“But, bishop, that means I have to think of a man every day that I just want to forget!” Miriam said, dismayed.
“Ya. Christ struggled with the same issues. I imagine that, when Judas Iscariot betrayed him, the Lord knew he had only a few short hours to forgive him. And, as he went through that horrible pain before he died, he had to forgive Judas, again and again and again.”
“Oh,” Miriam said on an outward breath. She realized that her own experiences paled next to what had happened to Jesus.