Of course that night I ring Caramella, read her the letter and ask her opinion. She agrees with Aunt Squeezy that there’s no sure sign that Kite has another girlfriend, and says I’m definitely over-interpreting, especially since the small hints of jealousy are there. But she’s not sure about the audition.
‘For one thing, what’s the point, because your mum is never going to let you live in Albury,’ she says.
‘I know, but maybe if I did the audition and got in, she might be so proud of me she’d change her mind. Anyway, at least it would be a good excuse to go up there and visit, even if I don’t get in.’
‘Scary, though, doing stuff in front of people. All those kids up there, they’d be really good.’
‘True, but you can’t let fear get in your way, can you?’
‘I can.’
‘Yeah, but remember, you were scared of joining our circus, but once you joined you liked it.’ At this she pauses to consider.
‘Yeah, but that’s different.’
‘Why?’
‘Because that was friendly; the Albury circus is serious.’
‘Still…’ I say. And then I don’t know what else to say.
Later, I ask Barnaby. I don’t show him the letter, because boys don’t bother with interpreting. I just saunter into his room and hang in the doorway expectantly. He is lying on his bed, propped up by pillows, with headphones on, foot tapping. When he sees me, and when he sees I mean business, he pulls his headphones off and leans over to hit the pause button.
‘What’s up?’ he says.
‘There’s going to be an audition for the Flying Fruit Fly Circus in Albury in December, and Kite thinks I should try out.’
‘Does he?’
‘Yep, he does.’
‘What about you? Do you reckon you should?’
‘I think so. Be pretty cool to be in a real circus, don’t you think?’
He heaves himself up into a sitting position and screws his face up a bit, as if in a deep think. ‘You’re already in a real circus. With Oscar and Caramella. Remember?’
‘Yeah, but I mean really real. I can’t exactly be learning new tricks with Oscar and Caramella.’
‘If tricks are what you want to learn, you can go do a class, can’t you?’ He’s looking up at me again, but he isn’t smiling, he isn’t enthusing; in fact he seems confused, or disappointed, I’m not sure which.
I frown. I would have thought Barnaby of all people – Barnaby who runs away from school and hitchhikes across the desert to the other side of the country, and who never obeys the rules and always does exactly what is interesting to him, despite what people think – I would have thought he’d be the one to say, Go! Go follow your dream.
‘What’s your problem, Barn? Why don’t you want me to go? How come it’s okay for you to run off when you like but not for me?’
He laughs as his palms fly in the air, as if he just accidentally touched something too hot. ‘Hey, it’s your life, Cedy, you decide. I just reckon you’re already in a really cool circus. I reckon it’s the coolest circus I ever saw.’
‘Hmph,’ I say as I perform a stylish swivel and leave him to his rock’n’roll. I go brush my teeth and then hop into bed, and this is what I think.
Barnaby is just saying that ’cause he’s jealous of me possibly becoming a real circus pro. He just wants me to stay here, stay small-time. I try to imagine what it would be like to be in a real circus. I see myself in costumes, doing startling things on a trapeze, but when I fall asleep I dream instead that a polar bear is weeing on me, and Oscar is there but he doesn’t help.