I skip in the door after training and Mum says, ‘Kite called. He wants you to call him back. I wrote down the number.’
I stop dead still and I feel like laughing. For the first time all week I haven’t been wishing he’d call. It’s always the way.
I wait for Mum to leave the kitchen and then I call. I’m not even feeling nervous because somehow I’m in a mood where I feel a little bit less precious about my own life. Kite picks up the phone.
‘Hey, Kite, it’s me, Cedar.’
‘Cedar.’ He says my name like it’s a slow sigh of a word.
‘How are you?’ I say.
‘I’m fine. I’m sorry I haven’t rung earlier. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to talk to me or not.’
‘Why wouldn’t I?’ (Note the bravado.)
He pauses and I picture him frowning.
‘I thought you might have been upset about not getting selected. I wasn’t sure…’
I make it easy for him. ‘You mean you didn’t want to deal with a weeping fit?’
‘No, no, I mean yes, I would have – I just wasn’t sure how, but it doesn’t matter now because I’ve got some great news. They’re offering you a place after all. The other girl couldn’t take it up. Her father got a job in Melbourne. They’re moving.’
‘So they’re offering me the place?’
‘Yeah. Dad let me ring and tell you. How great is that? Can you take it?’
I know what I’m going to say, but before I say it I have some straight talking to do.
‘Kite, if I took it, would I be, you know, cramping your style? With Lola I mean?’ (Harder than I thought to talk straight.)
‘Lola! Oh God, you know me better than that. You know I wouldn’t be interested in a girl like Lola.’
There’s another pause. Then a sigh.
‘It’s Frankie,’ he says.
‘Frankie?’ I feel suddenly like I just lost the jousting spirit. My courage seems to fall away. Of course it was Frankie. Frankie was lovely, and besides, she could fly.
‘Yeah, I guess Frankie and I had something going on when you came up. It was difficult because I didn’t know… I didn’t know what you wanted or thought…’
‘No. Well, I didn’t either. And I didn’t know what you wanted.’
This time there’s a silence; a long enough one for it to start to become loud and deep, like a black hole. Eventually I try to climb out of it. I sigh.
‘So are you with Frankie now?’
‘No.’
‘Why not?’
‘Oh, because I wasn’t ever sure. Anyway, then you came up. Things got messy. Didn’t seem like a good idea in the end; we have to see each other all day every day.’
I think I’m hurt, I’m not sure. I see myself pulling inwards and around me the quiet seems larger and larger. I don’t know what to say so I don’t speak. Instead, there’s another crunching silence. This time it’s Kite who sighs.
‘Look, I’m sorry. Maybe we need to make things clear. I mean, between us.’
‘I can’t take the place. In the circus.’ I burst out with it.
‘Because of this? Because of Frankie?’
‘No, because of Mohammed’s smile.’
‘What?’
‘Oh, it’s a long story. But basically I’m kind of committed to The Acrobrats now. I want to work with them. At least for this year. Then I’ll see.’
‘Are you sure? Maybe you should sleep on it.’
‘No, I don’t need to think about it, I’m sure.’ (Oh God, am I temporarily insane?)
Kite says,‘Well, okay.’
And then there’s another silence in which I can feel my old dreams battling with my new feelings. I feel myself slipping into this battle. It’s almost as if I forget I’m on the phone.
‘Hey, Cedar – ’
‘Yeah?’
‘I know you shouldn’t do this on the phone, but I guess I want to clear this up. Do you want to go out with me? I mean, should we be together?’
I already know what I’m going to say to this too, but before I do I take a big breath and I close my eyes and I feel as if I’m on the very edge of something and I just want to stand at that edge and feel the great expanse of life before me.
‘Yes.’ My eyes have closed.
He laughs. Then I laugh.
He says, ‘I wish I was there,’ and I say, ‘I wish you were too.’
And that’s all I remember because after that I wasn’t concentrating. I’d gone floating up again and I knew I wasn’t mad.