AFTER what I learned from the elders, I’m building up my RECP (Retirement Emotional Circle Plan), and giving it as much weight as my RRSP (Registered Retirement Savings Plan). I will need to cultivate the richest possible social network, one that includes friends as well as family, because I will need to draw upon these resources as I age. On a practical level, I’ll need my network for assistance with daily living. But the emotional support will be even more important. As the grandmother says to her grandson in Alistair MacLeod’s novel No Great Mischief, “We’re all better when we’re loved.” And, if I have the support of friends and family in my senior years there’s a good chance that I’ll be happier and healthier—both mentally and physically. Researchers aren’t certain why, but they’re finding a strong link between the health, well-being and quality of life of older people, and the strength and quality of their social relationships and community engagement. One speculation is that hanging out with other people promotes healthy behaviour and reduces stress levels.1 Even if I’m in poor health, I’ll be less likely to suffer from depression if I have frequent contact with friends.2 There is also some startling research that loneliness can actually increase the risk of Alzheimer’s.3 There is even speculation that those famously healthy Mediterranean people may be healthy, not because of their diet, but because they enjoy high levels of social interaction, and deep and sustaining emotional networks.4
The elders advise us to strengthen our bonds with the three significant components of our emotional circle—our friends, our partner and our family, and their advice illuminates the inherent paradox.
Now is the time to make and keep good friends because the older we get, the more important they will become. Friends will laugh with us, give us a hand, allow us to help them in return, participate with us in life’s remaining adventures and share our memories. If we nurture our friendships over the years, we will have a storehouse of intimacy and caring to draw on as we age.
It will be particularly important for us boomers to focus on friends because our family networks are smaller and weaker than those of our parents. Our generation had children late, we have divorced and remarried more frequently, we raised more children in single-parent households, had smaller families, and a large number of us never married. So, whereas today most seniors get their help with daily chores from their relatives,5 boomers shouldn’t count on being able to repeat this pattern. Urban planner Gerald Hodge takes this factor into account in his recommendations for designing “Senior-Smart” communities. “Probably the most hopeful outcome for seniors of extended family structures will be stronger bonds with their peers,” he says. “This will be especially important to the one-third or more who live alone.”6
Carol’s active social life gives me an insight into the importance of friends in later life. “I’m 85 and some of my friends are the same age as me, and some are younger. It’s quite a big group; there are about a dozen of us. I took Betty to the hairdresser’s to get a permanent on Sunday. Several of us are playing bridge tomorrow. And I’m having breakfast with other friends on Thursday. We go to movies regularly, and we all go out to breakfast four to five times a year to celebrate birthdays. Everyone is very kind and anxious to do something for somebody else. Your children are a comfort to you. They phone you once a week. But it’s your friends you need.”
Carol’s example notwithstanding, it’s worrisome to note that about one out of every ten people over 65 say they have no friends.7 And more than four out of five seniors aged 75 and over have not met any new people in the last month whom they intend to befriend.8 As boomers, one might think we’re in a better position than older people to make and keep friends. We’re still in the workforce and many of us are engaged in the community through our children. But it’s easy to neglect our friends for these same reasons. Several of the elders told me this happened to them. “One thing I regret is that, because I was so busy, I lost a lot of close friendships,” Peter says. “Time would go by and then I’d realize we hadn’t seen each other for years. Maintaining friendships takes time. I’m making new contacts all the time but it’s tough to keep the old ones, especially with people moving all over the place.” Stan had the same problem. He is 80 now and says that if he were able to turn back the clock and be 50 again he would focus more on friendships. “I should have worked harder at cultivating good friends and keeping them. I’ve been kind of self-centred, and my old friends have gradually dropped off.”
It’s easy to confuse an acquaintance with a friendship. At work, for example, colleagues may look like friends, and the difference may only become apparent when we leave our job. As William explains, “People will tell you that they’ll keep in touch. But it doesn’t happen. It can be especially difficult for people with big jobs who have been surrounded by ‘yes’ men and women. They think they are all-powerful, and popular—but then, all of a sudden, they have nothing. So you need to figure out who will still be there for you when you have nothing to offer but yourself. That’s a friend.”
Fred proposes this friendship test: “If you lose your mate, who will continue to see you?” Fred, now 81, was widowed ten years ago and never expected to be alone at this age. “It’s terrible when you lose your mate. People treat you differently. When death enters into the family, a good number of the friends you used to see regularly drop away.”
Here are some more friendship tests offered by the elders. Norah asks, “If you are living alone, who will take you in for twenty-four hours after you’ve had a cataract operation like my friend did for me?” Or, in the case of Betty, “What friend would help provide the several weeks of care I needed after I broke my pelvis?”
But even as we nurture our old friendships, we’ll need to keep making new friends. There is a very good reason for this, as Steve points out plainly: “You need to keep meeting new people because the old ones keep dying.” When I was interviewing the elders it was not uncommon for them to have recently lost a loved one. Doreen at 90 years of age was mourning the loss of a dear friend who had died a few weeks before we spoke. “We played golf, tennis and bridge, and we were constantly together. I saw her more than anybody.” Carol reminded me that death isn’t the only way we will lose our friendships. “My close friend got Alzheimer’s. I miss her companionship so much. We have been friends since we were three years old.”
One of the things the elders had in common was a plethora of “young” friends. At 83 years of age, Dan makes a point of staying in touch with younger people. “My closest friends are my age, but it is helpful, stimulating and enjoyable to also have my friends who are twenty years younger. These people in their fifties and sixties help me stay younger and I get to hear what they’re thinking. It’s rather depressing being only among older people, especially as you begin to lose them.” At age 90, Betty is passionate about spending time with people much younger—especially her grandchildren and their friends. “I get a lot of inner happiness when I see young people and I’m always learning something current.”
Understanding the need for friendships is one thing, but making and keeping friends will take a deliberate effort. The elders urge us to keep in touch with our old friends, and suggest we participate in group activities in order to expand our circle and make new friends.
Keep in Touch
Even if we move far away from some of our oldest and dearest friends, there’s no excuse for dropping them. The elders are proof of that. I was struck by the enormous effort many of them are making to stay in touch with people who are scattered far and wide. Henry is 84 and he and his close friend now live on opposite sides of the country, but on the first Tuesday of every month they talk for an hour on the phone. “We’re very close. He is a wonderful friend, and his advice has probably helped me the most over the years. For example, he’s the one who kept encouraging me to continue teaching as long as possible, and that’s what has kept me mentally engaged, and in touch with young people.” At 100 years of age Marie is frustrated that she hasn’t been able to make new friends in her retirement residence. She’s filling some of the gap by keeping up a correspondence with a friend in Florida. She says, “When I read her letters, it’s as though we were never apart.” Since Hugh’s wife died two years ago, the support of his best friend has been more important than ever. They are both 98 now and live hundreds of kilometres apart, but their weekly phone calls have been enough to sustain a half century of friendship.
The challenges of aging make the phone a handy tool for staying close to those living nearby, too. At 91, Victoria still has a very active life, and she used to pick up her good friend Meredith in the car to join her on her outings. But Meredith’s family has decided that Victoria’s driving skills are no longer up to scratch. “Meredith always loved to come out with me. We had such fun. As far as I’m concerned, I’m still a pretty good driver, but her family is very protective of her. So now she’s no longer allowed to go in the car with me. They explain it away by telling me she isn’t well enough to go out, but I got the message. So I don’t offer to drive her places anymore. Now she’s pretty housebound, and I know she misses our little trips, so I make sure that we speak every two to three days on the telephone.”
Gene Cohen, a professor of psychiatry who has been studying people over 60, promotes the idea of designating specific times for communications. He says that spontaneously getting in touch with friends and family as the mood strikes, the way I do now, won’t be enough to maintain contact as we age. Like the elders and their weekly phone calls, he recommends following a regular contact schedule to establish a routine. He particularly favours written correspondence such as letters or emails because this helps to strengthen our brains at the same time that it reinforces our network of friends.9
The plethora of new communications technologies that are easy and convenient to use means that our generation has no excuse for not keeping in touch, but, apologies to Cohen, the example I’m going to use relies not at all on the written word. I recently phoned a dear friend that I’ve known for thirty years. We now live in different cities and I called her cellphone, assuming she was home. Instead, I reached her playing with her grandson in a park in another city where her son’s family lives. She immediately took a photo of her adorable offspring playing on the swing and emailed it to me on the spot so that I could share the moment. Later that day she phoned me from an art gallery to talk excitedly about the exhibit she was viewing. I was able to find a video on the Web about the work she was looking at, and we were able to discuss the show, virtually. Most of the media we’re now using so blithely to record and share our lives with friends and family didn’t exist even a few years ago, so it’s hard to imagine what will be there for us when we’re old.
Merely having the tools, however, won’t be enough, we’ll still need to use them—and first, we’ll need to learn how to use them. One excellent way to pick up the latest computer skills is to learn from the young, even the very young. Many years ago my friend was visiting from another city. As we sipped our tea she told me about her anxiety over the growing use of computers in her company. She was utterly intimidated by the new technology but knew she had no choice—she had to adapt to the digital world. As she put it: “If I could, I’d avoid it completely, but I still have a few years left before retirement.” She recalls my response: “You sent me upstairs with your daughter so that we could work together on the computer. I watched her move the mouse and click away at all those icons as if it were indeed child’s play. I decided right then and there that I was not going to be bettered by a 5-year-old. I look back on this as one of the more humiliating moments of my life—but it sure lit a fire under me!” Although this training session took place nearly two decades ago, the principle still applies.
Join Groups
Being part of a group is a great way to make and keep friends, and it looks as if the loners among us would be wise to find our inner joiner. The elders belong to a multitude of groups organized around a vast diversity of subjects: book discussions, bridge, fitness, the arts, sports, religion and volunteer activities, and, as Georgina’s story illustrates, belonging to groups has brought them many benefits. “For many years, and up until my retirement,” she told me, “I worked with my husband in a consulting company we owned. I decided to retire when I was in my fifties, and this was a few years ahead of my husband. I woke up day one of my retirement and it really sunk in—I had no work to go to. I was quite at a loss. My husband and I had worked very closely together, so we were really in each other’s pockets. I had the immediate question of what I’d do that day. But then I also got thinking about the days and years ahead. What would I do if anything happened to him? I realized I needed to widen my circle—and fast. Then I found out that I was on the verge of [developing] osteoporosis and that gave me another incentive to get going. Now I’m really engaged. I go to ‘Friends in Fitness’ and they are indeed my friends as well as my fitness buddies. I also have a walking group that goes out every Tuesday in spring and fall. Several years ago I found a group of women that grew out of the Great Books reading program. They’re mostly around my age and we meet once a month. Over the years, these discussions have been a kind of therapy for me. I recommend you get involved in activities like these to make sure you have a lot of people around you. All these women would really be there for me if I needed them.”
Gene Cohen stresses the importance of group participation as we age. He says that successful retirement requires what he calls “a balanced social portfolio,” one that includes group activities as well as private activities, with both a mix of energetic and quiet activities. In his book The Mature Mind: The Positive Power of the Aging Brain, Cohen explains that the duration of an activity is more important than the nature of the activity, with a regular book club meeting contributing more to well-being than one-shot activities. Transient or non-interpersonal activities just don’t give us the same opportunities to make new friends. He gives the example of one of his study participants, an opera buff. He didn’t make friends by attending the opera and it was only when he began hosting an opera video and dinner club at his home that his friendships formed.10
Susan is 84 and has been widowed for twenty-two years. When her husband died she stayed alone in their home on an acreage in northern Canada for fourteen years. Several years ago, at the urging of her son, she moved to the big city to be closer to him and his family. She found it difficult to replicate the strong social networks of her former home. But, by keeping in touch regularly with old friends by mail and phone, she was able to retain her sense of community. In particular, her friendship with her quilting group from home became a lifeline. “Even though I have moved far away, they still keep in touch with me. They send me their newsletters, and one member of the group has made me her pen pal. We talk on the phone every week, and she has even come to visit. The group was started by a wonderful bunch of friends about twenty years ago, and it’s not about the quilting, it’s about the friendship. Once you reach 60 you should join something. That way you’ll meet people you can keep in touch with for the rest of your life, no matter where you go. I would feel quite alone without them. It has made all the difference.”
At 84, Sylvia has found that her participation in nonprofit organizations has allowed her to stay connected with much younger people. Over the years she has been active on volunteer boards, and has made many friends this way. “They are people with whom I have a lot in common and even after I have left the organizations, the friendships continue to this day. Because I’ve been blessed with these friends who are ten and fifteen years younger, I forget how old I am.”
For many of the elders, sports activities are a favourite way to forge and maintain friendships. Jeanette started playing golf when she was in her forties and is still playing at 82. “I play nine holes now with my friends and I don’t want to give it up because of the friendships.” At age 90, it’s Richard’s golf buddy who is keeping him company now that his wife has died. “It gets lonely at times with nobody to have dinner with. One of my golfing friends just lost his wife too and we have dinner together twice a week.” Carol took up curling after she retired at 61. “I’d suggest curling to anyone. The people are lovely. It’s not a competitive thing. It’s just a vehicle for friendship.” At 75, Peter is still playing hockey as much for the camaraderie as the exercise. “When I first started playing old-timer hockey I thought I’d probably play until I was 60, but I’m still at it. The other players are amazed, but I’d miss the friendship if I quit. I guess they’ll have to carry me off.” Virginia took up golf at 55 after being told, “Learn how to play golf and bridge and you’ll always have friends when you’re old.”
In addition to meeting with people in the flesh, older people are finding friends and reducing loneliness on social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace. Paula Rice, at 73 years of age, spends fourteen hours a day on Eons.com, which calls itself an online community for spirited boomers. After a heart attack, Rice became housebound, and often a day goes by without her seeing another person. Her two marriages ended in divorce and her four children are scattered in other parts of the country. She says, “I was dying of boredom. Eons, all by its lonesome, gave me a reason to keep on going.”11 These friendships formed online may not have the weight of physical presence, but they still provide some of the benefits of an emotional circle.
There are groups for every interest and level of commitment, but not everyone takes to organized activity. If you fall into that category, simply meet the same people regularly for coffee—and you’ve got your group.
Become the Kind of Person You Would Want to Befriend
Keeping old friends and making new ones may require some brushing up of our interpersonal skills. I found it delightful to spend time with the elders because they had wit, humour and personal charm—but it was more than that. They have what we’re increasingly calling emotional intelligence.12 Here are their collective tips for dealing with people.
• Treat other people with mutual respect and acceptance.
• Never try to change the other person.
• Try not to be judgmental. Take people for who they are.
• Be ready to listen.
• Do not give advice unless it is asked for. If people want advice, they will ask for it.
• Behave with basic human kindness.
• Tell people you appreciate them when you get a chance.
• Be interested in other people. People who are secure and less self-centred age more easily.
• Don’t take things personally or perceive slights where none are intended. Give people the benefit of the doubt.
• Make people smile, and even better—make them laugh!
All this is probably easier to do if we can remember to walk in the other person’s shoes. Christine quoted Margaret Laurence’s wise words on this subject. “I do not claim to pass on any secret of life, for there is none, or any wisdom except the passionate plea of caring . . . Try to feel, in your heart’s core, the reality of others. This is the most painful thing in the world, probably, and the most necessary.”13 I think this ability was at the root of Aunt Jean’s charm, and probably accounted for her success in forming relationships with most everyone she met. If I’m able to put this good advice into action, I’ll probably not lack for company.
The elders gave me practical tips for being good company. Virginia says I must make an effort to stay current. “Keep up to date on everything you can—politics, art, books, movies. I read every day of my life.” Gordon points out that I could combine staying current with exercise if I were to follow his example. He takes a daily walk to a downtown-hotel reading room where he scans all the international press, including The New Yorker, Harper’s, and The New York Review of Books.
Malcolm reminded me that people aren’t fun to be with if they stop gaining new experiences and are content to live in the past. “You must live in the present. There is nothing more boring than people going on about past successes.” This same habit irritated psychoanalyst Carl Jung, who wrote, “Who does not know those touching old gentlemen who must always warm up the dish of their student days, who can fan the flame of life only by reminiscences of their heroic youth, but who, for the rest, are stuck in a hopelessly wooden Philistinism?. . . [T]hey are not neurotic, but only boring and stereotyped.”14
The challenge in being a good conversationalist seems surprisingly unchanged. According to the seventeenth-century French author La Rochefoucauld, “One of the reasons why so few people are to be found who seem sensible and pleasant in conversation is that almost everybody is thinking about what he wants to say himself rather than about answering clearly what is being said to him.”15 That strikes a chord in modern as well as seventeenth-century ears. La Rochefoucauld’s observation is found in Conversation: A History of a Declining Art, by Stephen Miller, which is a terrific resource for thinking about the meaning and importance of good conversation. The book includes many tips from centuries ago that remain relevant today.
Don’t Go to Seed
While we need to accept aging gracefully, we will be more attractive if we don’t let ourselves go to seed. When I asked Aunt Jean what I should be doing to prepare for my senior years, she said, “You’ll need to learn to put on your face.” She meant this advice in both its literal and abstract sense. She was encouraging me to learn how to apply makeup to enhance my physical attributes. She was also saying that I’ll need to make an effort to be my best self when engaging with the world. She followed this advice herself without fail. She started every day in her retirement home by carefully applying her makeup with an expertise and a lightness of touch that was truly admirable. No smudged lipstick and bright blue eye-shadow for her. To her mind, this sent people the message that she respected them enough to want to look good for them. And she did the same thing with her mind. She prepared for my visits by informing herself about current affairs and the latest world events, and compiled a mental list of topics for us to discuss. She wanted to make each visit as engaging and stimulating as possible—for both of us. She seemed to make this same effort putting her best face forward—for everyone she met.
I was able to appreciate Aunt Jean’s point about the need to rise to the occasion, but found myself resisting her advice on my appearance. I’m not much of a fashionista, and when it comes to makeup, I can’t muster much more than lipstick. But after meeting the elders, I have reluctantly come around to Aunt Jean’s point of view. When it comes to our aging selves, I have a new respect for the importance of externalities. Both the elderly men and the women I interviewed looked terrific, and their appearance was part of an overall engaging package—a creative and energetic presentation of self. They seemed to be making the effort to be their best selves, not merely because it felt good to look good, but as proof that they were still fully alive.
Looking as good as possible also attracts other people, as the Anglo-American writer Iris Origo noted in her autobiography, Images and Shadows. She took her two small daughters, who lived in Italy, on regular visits to her American grandmother, who was then in her eighties and nineties. Part of the reason the little girls adored their great-grandmother, she writes, was that she always looked and smelled so delicious. I am also reminded of my artistic friend, Agnes, who is always beautifully turned out and is great fun to be with. Now in her late seventies, she is the treasured travelling companion of an old friend who foots the bill because he enjoys her company. “I always dreamed of being able to see these exotic places,” she says, “but, on my small pension, I could never have done it without Bill’s help.”
The 100-year-old Marie provides a good example of what we’re talking about. When I visited her in the long-term-care home where she lived, I found her reclining on her hospital bed wearing an elegant caftan with her hair wrapped in a stylish turban. She would have been perfectly attired for entertaining royalty. She told me she was anxious to go home because she’d found it hard to make any good friends at the facility. She felt those around her were not good company because they had given up on themselves: “The people I’ve met here just don’t make an effort.” Marie says that part of looking good is not advertising your age. “Here’s my advice to you. Don’t tell people your age. They never get over it!” She was right. All the time I was talking with this glamorous, witty woman, I kept thinking to myself, “How is it possible that this woman is 100 years old?” She was correct in assuming I wouldn’t be able to get over it, and my obsessing over her age gave it an importance it didn’t deserve.
For some of the men amongst the elders, looking one’s best means wearing a tie. At 98, Hugh always wears one, and Steve, at age 78, told me that he is resolved to wear one more often. He has been studying the older men he meets and concluded that the ones who look good are the ones who dress well. For Virginia, at 85, it’s makeup. “I look and feel better with my face made up. If you do it first thing, it will last all day.” When she was younger, her doctor told her, “Always make your face up, even if you don’t feel well some days, and keep that up all your life.” She also told me to watch my weight and take care of my skin. Several of the women advised me not to let my hair go white. Louise has her hair expertly dyed a vivacious henna colour and says, “My hairdresser has taken ten years off my age.” However, more invasive forms of “putting on your face” were viewed as unnecessary. Peter’s friend had just had a hair transplant. “His scalp was covered with horrible scabs,” he says. “Why would you put yourself through that?”
But the way I talk about myself will be more important than the way I look. What Aunt Jean called “putting on my face” will also mean rising above the temptation to recite my medical ailments and list my daily travails to every passerby who makes the mistake of asking, “How are you?” As Betty says, “Nobody wants you around if you’re gloom and doom.” When all is said and done, a pleasant demeanour is still the best appearance enhancer. As Trudy says, “Go out and smile.”
What the elders are telling me is that I shouldn’t let myself go to seed, as the expression goes. In this context, the saying seems particularly apt. Just as a plant goes to seed after it flowers and is preparing to die, if I stop making an effort, it means I’m preparing for the end. At least, that is the message I’ll be sending.
If you have a life partner, you need to figure out whether s/he is a partner for life.
If you have a partner, you’d better figure out whether he or she is the right one for the next inning. This is the advice from the elders, who span the spectrum themselves in terms of marital status, including the widowed, the single, the divorced, those who are still in their first marriage and those who have remarried. Several of those who have been widowed have found new partners, and some of the elders are in committed relationships but have not married. Their stories emphasize the critical role my partner will play in my senior years.
Marjorie learned the value of having the right partner when she saw what happened to her parents. “My father developed Alzheimer’s when he was 69. He died at age 90, so he was essentially ‘out of it’ for twenty-one years. For the first eleven years of his illness, he lived at home with my mother. Then he moved to a long-term-care facility, and, after that, to a hospital. My mother visited him nearly every day. Watching her devotion made me appreciate my own husband of fifty-three years. You’d better choose your partner wisely, because you never know what’s going to happen. If you’re the one needing care, you’ll have to count on him. If you end up caring for him, you’d better love him. I hope you have the kind of partner that I have—one who is supportive, kind, loving, smart and forever interesting.”
When he was 62, Gordon realized he didn’t have the partner he needed, and made the decision to leave his wife. He found it extremely hard to end a three-decade relationship, but concluded it was high time to make a change. “My unhappiness in the marriage had built up over the years, but the straw that broke the camel’s back came one afternoon when my friend Ed came over. We were sitting in the garden talking, and then my wife joined us. The next day Ed telephoned me and said, ‘I feel sorry for you.’ You see, once my wife took a position on something, she would brook no argument. She was in possession of the absolute truth. Ed’s call began a process that led me three days later to walk out of my marriage. It was the most difficult thing I ever had to do.” Several years later, Gordon found a new love and the relationship lasted for fifteen years until his partner’s death. Now, at 97 years of age, he looks back on this period of his life and is grateful that he gave himself a second chance. “Our years together were rich, happy and harmonious. Our love was based on mutual recognition, respect and acceptance. What she treasured most was that I made her feel she could be her best self. I know it was also true of me. She was an unimaginably powerful presence in my life and that is how I will always remember her.”
Linda is 82 and has been married to the same man for more than sixty years. When she was in her fifties she came close to leaving her husband for another man and is very grateful she made the decision to stay in her marriage. “There was a man in my life who really wanted me to leave my husband for him. I didn’t do it—because of my children, but also, because of my husband. We had married so young, and I didn’t want to hurt him. He had been so loyal and caring, in his way. We both have very strong personalities. I appreciate his tolerance of me, and I’m tolerant of him. So my loyalty transcended the passion of this other relationship. When I started having medical problems around age 68, I knew that I had made the right decision. I’ve had heart surgery, colon surgery, and I was semi-paralyzed for a while—you name it, it seems I’ve had it. I know that my lover would not have stood by me the way my husband has. Illness changes you and it gives you much more insight and tolerance. I have been enveloped by love, and I am so grateful for the support I received from my family and my friends—and especially from my husband.”
Research has found that having a stable marriage, one without serious problems, is linked to aging successfully, because it provides social, financial and emotional resources, and reduces stress.16 But the research also shows that a bad relationship can be worse than no relationship. Certainly it can be lonely without a partner, but people in conflict-ridden marriages seem to have the highest levels of emotional loneliness.17 And the health of your marriage seems to be intimately linked to your physical health. While a happy marriage can keep you healthy,18 a bad marriage can make you sick, especially if you’re a woman. Research found that women in strained marriages were more likely to have high blood pressure, excess belly fat, low levels of good cholesterol (HDL) and elevated blood sugar, putting them at greater risk of heart disease, stroke and diabetes. The men didn’t show these same health risk factors.19
So, despite all the benefits that come from being in a partnership, it looks as if it’s better to be alone than have the wrong partner, especially for women. And, even those who feel secure in a good relationship could find themselves single, if death or disease separates them from their partner.20 So, since being single could be a reality sooner or later, relationships with friends and family could become even more important.
If you have found the right partner, the elders recommend taking steps now to develop and nurture the relationship by never taking it for granted, and by working on your problems. It’s clear we should treat our close friendships in the same way.
Don’t Take the Relationship for Granted
Jeanette knows about valuing a relationship before it’s too late. “My husband’s medical problems started after his retirement nearly twenty years ago, and it’s been one thing after another ever since. He’s had three strokes and now he has dementia and requires full-time nursing care. I’m so glad I was there for Greg when he was able to live a full life. How sad it would be if I hadn’t done that. I have such wonderful memories. We didn’t have much money when we were young, so we took every opportunity to entertain ourselves. Summer nights after work Greg would want to go for a swim in the river. I would call this dear woman and say, ‘Would you mind watching the children for an hour or so?’ And we did a lot of travelling together—in fact, every chance we could. It was good for our marriage. You should seize the opportunities when they come, so you have no regrets [later on]. The importance of having a committed relationship becomes more important the older you get.”
People who have lost their spouse send us a powerful reminder to express pleasure in our partner while we still can. Trudy and her husband were 25 years old when they married. She is 86 now and recently widowed. “My husband died last year of cancer of the liver. It was really unexpected. He was dead three weeks after the diagnosis. I miss him very much; it’s as though half of my being is gone. If I could be younger once more I would be ten times nicer to him than I was. This is the one regret I have in life. If you have a husband—be kind to him.” Betty, who is 90 and has been a widow for decades, is always urging her friends to be kinder to their mates. “My friend complains that her husband is so lazy. I say to her, ‘He’s old. You know Fred has always been ambi- tious. If he’s going back to bed it means he’s worn out.’ It’s an awful lot more fun to live with your man than to be alone, so you should be kind to him and appreciate him.”
One technique to make sure you don’t take your relationship for granted is to imagine its loss. On Grief and Grieving, by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler, includes a section on regret that describes the feelings of several people who, after the death of their loved ones, grieved for lost opportunities. Alexander regretted that he didn’t buy that house his wife longed for, and Josh’s wife wished she hadn’t kept telling him to stop singing his favourite song.
The life changes that accompany aging, including retirement, the empty nest syndrome and medical problems, can strain even the strongest relationship. The elders point out that we need to keep working hard to iron out the kinks. In this regard, Deirdre and her spouse are an inspiration. They are in their eighties and are going to counselling, as she says, “to deal with some of our issues.” Several years ago Deirdre had a stroke. She says she would have been shocked when she was younger to see herself now. “Here I am, half paralyzed, and totally dependent on my husband. I thought I was going to be the type of person who was still swimming at 90. Instead, we’ve had to modify the house for a wheelchair, including putting in a lift up the stairs. This is something I never imagined having to do. My husband and I are companions, we are very deep friends, and I love him with all my heart. I have tried not to be such a burden on him, but we need to accept certain things about each other, and going to a therapist has helped.”
There are a variety of professionals who could help you reach a deeper relationship with your partner, and a number of books that provide guided exercises. Gene Cohen, the professor of psychiatry whose work came up earlier, has written The Creative Age: Awakening Human Potential in the Second Half of Life, which includes a step-by-step activity plan for strengthening your relationship with your partner. Cohen suggests, for example, that you can recharge your relationship by exploring together a new activity that draws upon your complementary strengths. The approach is based on a technique called collaborative creativity, which is intended to deepen your emotional intimacy and connectedness. Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, by Harville Hendrix, includes a workbook and study guide. Hendrix explains that the frustrations we may have with our partner are a natural part of the differences that attracted us to them in the first place. The book includes tips about how to talk to your partner in a respectful way about the things that really matter.
Dependency on your family is not what you want, but you will need interdependency.
When I asked the elders whether they possess particular strengths that are making it easier to be old, I was thinking more of personal characteristics. While they did mention certain character traits and attitudes that are described in the next section, most of them mentioned their family as a source of strength. Their children and their children’s families are a great source of caring and logistical support, and, where there are grandchildren, they are a great source of joy. The elders’ experience is broadly shared. Family members form a significant part of the social network of today’s seniors.21 More than two-thirds of seniors who receive help with work around the home, running errands or emotional support, get that support from a relative.22 The level of support strikes me as pretty intense, with about 45 percent of seniors seeing their relatives at least a few times a week.23 But what surprises me most is the size of the family network that is supporting many seniors. Nearly a third of seniors aged 75 and older say they have six or more immediate family members (siblings, adult children or in-laws) whom they feel close to, discuss important matters with, regularly keep in touch with or rely on when they need help.24 Since we boomers are unlikely to have these kinds of extensive family ties, all the more reason to nurture the fewer relationships we have.
Several of the elders told me they wished they had treated their family members better, and urged me to appreciate my relatives while I can. When I asked Christine, who is now 76, whether she would do anything differently if she were able to turn back the clock and be 50 years old again, her thoughts were for her mother. “I would have hugged my mother more. She was a strong woman and never complained. Our family was rarely demonstrative, but now I wish I had told her how much I admired and loved her.” Deirdre finds herself dreaming about her father and the little things she wishes she had done for him. “My father loved buttermilk and I should have bought him some every time he visited. I don’t know why I didn’t do it. It’s such a little thing and it would have given him so much pleasure. If you still have a parent, do these little things for them. Otherwise you’ll dream about it later.”
And when it comes to our children, Deirdre reminds us that good relations with them is in our own best interest. “Be kind to your children. They’ll be choosing your nursing home.” Her warning is supported by research, which found that those children who spent more time in shared activities with their mothers and fathers when they were younger provided more support to them as they aged.25 And one of the reasons we need to be careful when choosing our parents’ nursing home is that our children are watching. Research finds that they will follow this example when it comes time to determine our fate.26 My friend Hester is sorely tempted to live this principle. Her mother lives in a large house, and Hester proposed that room be made for Hester’s grandmother when she became too old for independent living. Instead, Hester’s mother made arrangements for her mother to live in a shared room in a nursing home. “Fine,” Hester says. “Then a shared room in a nursing home will be good enough for you someday.”
Since some of us couldn’t scare up enough relatives for a family picnic, let alone an elder-support network, we need to remember that people we think of as family don’t need to be related to us by blood. Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves, and with changing family constellations and weakening ties, this may be the solution for some of us. Brian provides a good example. He and his wife divorced twenty-five years ago, and, although he has a close relationship with his children, they live far from his retirement home and won’t be able to provide the daily help he will increasingly need. So he has created a new family for himself by bringing several young people into his life. “These were young people looking for a father. They say they met me at a time when they could have gone down a different life path. But it’s a two-way street. Without these young people and their affection and caring, I could not survive. If you are not near your family, just develop your own family.”
Many of the elders make a special plea for the grandparent/grandchild relationship. In previous generations, Sally’s family had no connections with grandparents, and she’s doing her best to change that. “If you have grandchildren you must figure out how to stay in touch. My husband never knew his grandparents. My mother’s father died before she was born and I lost the last of my grandparents when I was in grade three. Our children never had grandparents. That’s a terrible thing because something valuable has been left out of your life experience. We’re nuts about our grandchildren. My husband never misses one of their dance competitions. It means even more to him because he never got to see his own daughter dance.”
Although not a grandmother herself, Simone de Beauvoir surmised that being a grandparent was one of the great benefits of old age. “It gives them [old people] the feeling that these times in which they are living are still their times; it revives their own youth; it carries them along the infinity of the future; and it is the best defence against the gloom that threatens old age.” She says the reason we are able to love our grandchildren in a “completely disinterested, wholly generous manner” is that we have neither “rights nor responsibilities.”27 These benefits flow from our relationships with young people in general, whether or not they are our flesh and blood.
Peggy Edwards and Mary Jane Sterne have written Intentional Grandparenting: A Boomer’s Guide to help people plan ahead and take deliberate action to be the kind of grandparent they want to be. The book identifies the challenges and lays out ten child-centred principles to guide decision-making. I particularly like the advice they offer for those times when we might disagree with the parents of our grandchildren. We should hold back, listen and observe. In this way, we might just come around to their way of thinking, or at least be able to accept our differences.
Practise Forgiveness
Several of the elders urged me, while I am still able, to take the path of forgiveness in order to reconcile with family members. Susan was a war bride and she and her husband returned to England for a period of time. While there, her young daughter contracted meningitis. This was a terribly difficult period for Susan, and her brother, who lived nearby, did not support her. “I thought it was terrible that my brother didn’t come to visit me when my daughter was so sick, so I ostracized him. Many years later I was going to England and I decided to visit him. I felt it was time to reconcile, and I needed to do it face to face. He was glad to see me. I now feel so much easier about him, and I’m very glad I didn’t hang on to my resentment and anger.”
Earlier, Deirdre talked about wishing she’d been kinder to her father, but it was her relationship with her mother that was the real stumbling block in her life. By luck, a woman several decades her senior came into Deirdre’s life and helped her deal with magnanimity towards her mother. “I was about 50 years old when I met Vanessa. She became my role model and the mother I never really had. Because of her example I was able to forgive my mother. My sister still hates our mother. What point is there to that? You have to cleanse your soul of hate. We need our mothers.”
Sally’s father died when she was a teenager. “I was the eldest of six children and my mother was pregnant with another one. Right after Dad died, my mom’s sister-in-law came to live with us to help out. That freed me, so I was able to leave home and go to college. But at the end of my second year my mother became very ill. So I had to quit and come home to take care of my brothers and sisters. There I was looking after all these children who ranged in age from a toddler to a year younger than me. So I really understand family life and the importance of forgiveness. You need to cherish your family. Give them leeway to be idiosyncratic. Don’t expect them to be perfect. Don’t let every little thing bother you. Just enjoy their company for who they are. Life is too short to carry grudges.”
There are a number of techniques that foster forgiving and forgetting. Norah had several difficult family relationships and used a process of guided visualization28 and meditation to work on them. Through this process she learned to be less judgmental. She told me, “I acquired an understanding that has made me less critical of myself and less critical of others. It allows me to have a good relationship with people in my emotional circle, and it makes me an easier mother.” The writer Ram Dass recommends that we construct forgiveness rituals, including writing letters to those who have harmed us, or meditating upon a photograph.29
Keep in Touch
It was Fred’s family that helped pull him through the difficult times after his wife’s death. Although his sisters live on the other side of the country, he calls them weekly and is planning a visit in the summer. He says, “They’re too far away for me to visit too often, but calling them once a week helps me stay in touch. When times are tough it’s your family that will be there for you, so don’t neglect them, no matter how far away they are.” As boomers we have few excuses not to stay connected. The plethora of digital technologies, such as email, camcorders and webcams, makes it simple and affordable to maintain contact with even far-flung family members. We can share photos online and use tools such as Twitter, Facebook and websites to keep our relatives in touch with our every move.
The elders who have grandchildren emphasize that good relationships with them don’t just happen, you have to work at them. Marjorie has several grandchildren, some of whom live nearby, while others reside in a distant city. She describes the efforts she makes to forge connections with them. “You need to work like mad to be very close. I phone them, visit them and invite them to visit me, and I write to the ones that are far away. When the out-of-town grandchildren come to stay we have funny, age-old traditions. For example, for special meals someone is given the task of carving the butter into a butter rose. We have been doing this in our family for four generations and it is a great honour for the little one who is given the responsibility. The girls have grown up loving our little rituals. As for the grandchildren who live nearby, I have them over to visit all the time. It is the joy of an older person’s life. It keeps you young, but I warn you, carrying them around does break your back!”
Figuring out ways to stay close can be particularly important when things aren’t going well for the younger ones. Lucille developed a special ritual with a teenage granddaughter who had developed some health problems and was having difficulty at school. “She came to visit with me every Friday. We had sewing projects, and while we sewed we’d have a nice time talking. She got to hear all the family stories. I felt it was a privilege to spend this time with her because I knew that, once things got better, she wouldn’t need me in this way.” When Betty’s grandson became ill with a psychosis and was undergoing treatment, she welcomed him into her home. “He was a teenager and he wanted some space to himself. His parents knew they needed to give him some distance, but they had to keep him safe. So I said he could live with me, and I gave him a room all to himself, which is what he needed. He could come and go, and I didn’t bother him, but he knew I was there, and we all knew he was safe. I’d do anything for my grandchildren.”
By grieving your losses, you will suffer less from grief.
When I asked the elders about the disadvantages of growing old, they often talked about the pain of the loss of loved ones. The longer you live, the more family and friends you will lose. The elders have lost partners and spouses, some of their children and grandchildren have predeceased them, they have sat at the bedside of many dying people and they have gone to too many funerals. They worry about losing those family members and friends who remain. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who developed the concept of the five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance—emphasizes the importance of grieving in helping us to recover and live fully. She recommends that we respect the mourning process and give it the time it deserves. “Your task in your own mourning and grieving is to fully recognize your own loss, to see it as only you can.”30
If you live a long life, there will be many times when you will need to draw on this advice. In addition to the books of Kübler-Ross, there are a number of resources available to help you come to terms with loss. The Mourner’s Dance, by Katherine Ashenburg, explores mourning customs, both ancient and modern, which people in cultures and countries around the world have used to part with their dead. Interwoven through this fascinating book is the story of Ashenburg’s daughter, who developed her own rituals when faced with the sudden death of her fiancé. Bereavement support groups can often be found by contacting your local funeral home. They may have other resources to offer, including a library of support materials. Websites such as Bereaved Families of Ontario’s www.bereavedfamilies.net contain a variety of resources both online and face to face. They offer programs for different age groups, including grandparents, and provide videos that can be viewed online. The website provides links to similar agencies in other provinces and territories.
After Aunt Jean’s death we held a memorial tea at the retirement home to celebrate her life and to thank the staff for their love and support. Dozens of people attended, including some family members and a friend from childhood, but the majority of the guests were members of the staff. We handed out a printed tribute that featured a photograph of Jean with her infectious grin, wearing one of her trademark hats. After people circulated and drank tea and ate cake, they took their seats in a wide semicircle several rows deep. I was hoping that people would feel comfortable telling stories about Jean and talking about their feelings for her, and I’d arranged for a handheld microphone that we could pass person to person.
Family members set the tone by telling amusing tales that had everyone laughing, and then other people felt moved to speak. There was the woman who did Jean’s laundry who said, “I will never forget Jean. She told me I was beautiful.” There was the receptionist who said, “Jean may have retired, but she never retired from her love of people, her love of life and her love for sharing.” But the most moving tribute came from the young man who had told me earlier that Jean was his cherished friend. He told the group that Jean had been his confidante and his mentor, and her death had left a gaping hole in his life. When he spoke, his grief was so palpable that many of us were moved to tears. After the event wrapped up and people were clearing things away, the mother of the young man came over to speak with me privately. She thanked me profusely for holding the event and said, “Ever since Jean died my son has refused to speak about her. You gave him a way to share his sorrow in such a loving atmosphere and to try to come to terms with Jean’s death.”