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AFTER YEARS IN THE country, London was overwhelming. The amount of people, the noise, the traffic, the smells. Everything swirled and swelled around them in a dizzying arrangement that made Abigail wish for the quiet of the countryside even before they had arrived.
At least the trip had been fast and comfortable. Colin had rented an entire luxury train car for them and another for their servants and luggage. And now several carriages conveyed the family from the train station to their townhouse. Abigail shared a carriage with her husband while the countess and Elizabeth followed them in another.
Abigail studied Colin’s profile. Admiring once again the firm line of his jaw, the straight nose, the deep brackets by his mouth that spoke of laughter, or pain. Or maybe both. He had been pensive and subdued the entire trip, and now he was looking through the window, his expression remote.
“What do you think of London?” She asked, just to draw his attention. Ever since that night when she had made her request, there was a distance between them. Oh, he acted as polite as ever. He was always considerate, always amiable. He had come to her bed twice more since then. She knew he enjoyed those encounters. At least he seemed... enthusiastic about them.
But he was guarded. The difference in their interactions was evident. Like a drop in temperature. She mourned the loss of closeness, but could not be sorry for their new arrangement. Their relations were now... pleasant. Calmer. She could retain her control and dignity. She enjoyed the closeness and his kisses. But didn’t quite reach that state of euphoria, which suited her very well.
But he seemed to resent the arrangement, which made little sense. After all, she never refused him, always welcomed him warmly, and he reached his climax. What did he care if she didn’t reach hers? The way she saw it, it was less work for him.
And yet she had the nagging feeling that she had hurt him deeply.
“I don’t know,” he answered. “Haven’t been here long enough to form an opinion.”
“You have never been to London before?” She suddenly remembered that he had left England when he was still a child.
“Once. Briefly. I must have been seven or eight.” he shrugged. “I remember little.”
“Are you looking forward to visiting the sights?” She asked, realizing she didn’t know what he liked to do for fun. Ever since he had arrived on the estate, he had been working nonstop. Did he like the theater? The Opera? Or perhaps he preferred the circus or museums.
“Maybe.” He looked straight at her, making her a little breathless by the impact of his gaze alone. “Would you like to go to any place in particular?”
She smiled. “There’s one place. I would like to go to Cremorne Gardens. I’ve always wanted to go to a pleasure garden, but was not allowed to do so.”
“Not allowed? Why ever not?” he asked with a puzzled frown.
She shrugged, regretting having mentioned it. “My late husband thought they were dissolute and evil. After we married, we only came to London the first couple of seasons.”
“So he didn’t care for London either?”
“Oh, no. He would come to town. He just didn’t bring me. Which suited me perfectly, really. I didn’t want to come to London.” She added hastily in response to Colin’s frown.
He looked like he wanted to say more, ask more questions, but thankfully, he refrained.
“We will visit Cremorne.” he said. “I hear the gardens are beautiful. What else?”
“Well, I know Elizabeth is looking forward to going shopping. So I guess I shall have to accompany her to the shops.”
Now, how had he done that? She wanted to know about his likes and preferences, and he instead had deflected and craftily turned the question back to her.
He nodded. “Make sure you buy a new wardrobe for yourself as well.”
She wrinkled her nose. “Maybe a dress or two. For balls and such.”
“Abigail, you are not a lady’s companion anymore. You are a countess now. And the daughter of a marquess by birth. You should have a wardrobe befitting your station.”
“I suppose. It will be a great waste, though. Especially if Elizabeth marries this season. If that is the case, I don’t plan to attend another season again.”
“Really?” he tilted his head, studying her. “I thought all women enjoyed shopping and attending balls and such.”
“I did. A long time ago. When I was Elizabeth’s age, I was as eager as her for a season. Now I prefer the quiet of the countryside. How about you?”
“I don’t know yet. I guess it will depend on how congenial I find the society in London. In America, I lived in New York, which is a big, bustling city. I like some city entertainments, but I also like the peace of the country. Maybe we could split our time between the estate and London.”
Her breath caught. He was alluding to a future together. Maybe without even realizing it. Their agreement had been that once she provided an heir, they could part ways amicably. But she now realized she didn’t want that. She was pleased to be his wife. She had feelings for him and wanted to stay by his side. Was that his way of suggesting he wanted the same?
He looked at her as if he wanted to learn all her secrets. Read her mind like an open book. Was that disappointment on his face when she delayed to answer?
She opened her mouth to say that she would like that, but at that moment, the coach shuddered to a stop.
“We have arrived, it seems.” He said smoothly, opening the door to alight from the coach and turning to help her descend. “Welcome home, countess.” She took his hand, aware of a certain frisson of awareness when their ungloved fingers touched. She smiled nervously and his lips compressed.
The wide, light colored facade of the house loomed in front of them. The lines were classical and graceful. Rows of windows lined the three stories of the house, proclaiming the house to be bright. A short flight of steps led to the double doors, flanked by two sets of columns on each side, which sustained a triangular pediment.
In the five years she had lived with the countess, she had never visited London, so this would be the first time she stepped foot in this house.
The butler and housekeeper, a married couple who were also the caretakers of the home, awaited them by the door, while two footmen came down to assist with their small portmanteaus.
Hand in hand, they ascended the steps. The butler bowed to them and the housekeeper bobbed a curtsy.
“My Lord, my Lady, welcome to Hartfield House. Mrs. Paisley and I are immensely glad to receive you and offer congratulations on your recent nuptials.”
“Thank you, Paisley.” Collin studied him. “I think I remember you. Were you not a second footman when I was a child?”
“I was my lord. Your memory does you credit.”
Colin’s mouth twitched. “Difficult to forget you. You saved me from smashing some delicate bits of my anatomy when I decided to slide down the main staircase banister.”
“I’m sure my lord would have managed to stop all by himself.”
“I’m sure I would have. Against the newel post topper.” Colin said with a snort. “I’m glad you are still here.”
At that moment, the second coach carrying the dowager countess and Elizabeth arrived and stopped behind their coach. The footmen hurried to help the ladies down. The countess’s maid was traveling in the coach with them and directed the footmen to set up the countess’s wheelchair and carry her to the house.
They spent the next few minutes on instructions and sorting out the sleeping arrangements. Colin and herself, as new Lord and Lady, were assigned the master and mistresses' bedchambers, while the countess and Elizabeth were in the other wing.
After a quick tour, she found herself in her bedchamber. A sunny room done in rose and gold. The furniture was inlaid rosewood and gleamed with beeswax polish. A big vase of flowers sat on a console table by the wall. Everything was beautiful and tasteful. Why, then, did she feel like an impostor?
An uncomfortable idea struck her. Had Esther selected this decor? Or even the previous countess, Colin’s mother? She wanted to know, if these were Esther’s furnishings, she would have them moved to her room.
She crossed to the connecting door to her husband’s room and knocked. After a few moments, Colin opened clad only in trousers and an untucked, partially buttoned shirt. He had obviously been disrobing when she called, and had hastily thrown the shirt back on.
“Sorry to disrupt you.” She breathed. The sight of her husband in dishabille caused her to become a little breathless.
“Not at all. I was just getting ready to take a bath. May I help you with something, dear?” She couldn’t tell if the interruption annoyed him. This new Colin gave nothing away.
“I just wanted to know if the furnishings in my room were the countess’s. I mean, the previous countess, Esther.” She finished lamely.
He raised his brows. “No. I had those moved to her new room and the master suite redone entirely. Both your furnishings and mine are new. Of course, if they are not to your liking, feel free to redecorate.”
“Oh, no. They are beautiful.” She looked around, noticing that his room was done in deep blue and silver, with walnut furniture. “Your room too. I wouldn’t change a thing. I just didn’t want to take over Esther’s possessions. It seemed... well, insensitive.”
“The dowager is thrilled with you being the new lady of the house Abby.” He extended his hand as if he was going to caress her face, but he checked the movement and merely touched one lock of her hair that had escaped her pins and swiped it behind her ear. The brief touch caused butterflies to riot in her stomach. “You needn’t feel as if you are usurping her place, you know.”
Why did he have to be so perceptive? “I know. It is just... strange, I guess. For many years, I was her companion. And now I’m the lady of the manor, and I have replaced her.”
“It is the way of our class, Abby. She knows it. And so do you. You were born a lady. Why do you feel so undeserving?”
Her eyes widened, and she felt a pang as his words hit a nerve she didn’t even know was raw. Is that how she felt? Undeserving? But why? As he had said, she had been born a lady. Maybe it was that she didn’t feel she deserved him.
She was failing as a wife, and deep down she knew it. This good, strong, generous man had chosen her as his wife and elevated her to this position. And what had she done for him? She wasn’t even sure she was making him happy.
“Are you happy, Colin?” she blurted.
The non sequitur momentarily threw him off, and his eyes narrowed in confusion. “I suppose. Why the question? Are you not happy, Abby?” he asked seriously.
Oh, bother. She shouldn’t have brought this subject up. What a thoughtless question. Now he was bound to wonder and worry about her. She smiled brightly. “Of course I am. Don’t mind me.”
On impulse, she leaned up and gave him a peck on the lips. She wanted him to feel happy, but all she saw was his puzzled frown as she turned and rushed from his room.