Helen burst through the chapel doors and marched inside. She’d expected to find the place deserted, but Andrew Holmes was kneeling in front of the altar. He had obviously been praying, but disturbed by Helen’s dramatic entrance he now looked up. As she approached him she was astonished to see that his cheeks were stained with tears.
‘Helen, what a nice surprise,’ he said, clambering to his feet. ‘We don’t usually see you in here.’
Helen stared at him, but said nothing. There was something different about Holmes today. His cheery optimism had evaporated, he seemed hollow and sad. As if sensing her thoughts, Holmes brushed his tears away with his sleeve.
‘I apologize for the state you find me in. Even men of faith have moments of weakness.’
It was said lightly, but Helen wasn’t fooled.
‘There’s no need to apologize,’ she replied calmly. ‘I suspect you knew this day would come.’
Holmes looked at Helen. There was genuine surprise in his expression but then his features softened into a smile and he nodded.
‘You’re wiser than all the rest of us put together, aren’t you? I thought that the very first time I met you.’
‘That’s very flattering, but it doesn’t change anything, does it?’
‘No, I suppose it doesn’t. Though I’m amazed you care.’
Helen was so shocked by the casual way he said it that for a moment she wanted to strike him.
‘Why would I not care?’ she spat back bitterly. ‘Jordi was my friend. And Leah and Lucy … they were decent human beings.’
‘I couldn’t agree more, though I’m not sure how that’s relevant.’
‘I beg your pardon?’ Helen countered, taking another step towards him. It needed every ounce of her professionalism not to beat him to the floor.
‘Is everything ok, Helen?’ Holmes replied, stepping back. ‘You seem upset.’
‘Wouldn’t you be in my position?’
‘I suppose so, though I don’t know what that’s got to do with me. I’ve tried to help you, but you wouldn’t resp—’
‘Like you helped the others?’
Holmes said nothing, looking at her curiously.
‘They all had their problems, Jordi, Leah, Lucy, and they were looking for guidance, for someone to help them. And they turned to you, didn’t they?’
Still Holmes said nothing.
‘Jordi was a regular here, as were Leah and Lucy. I should have noticed that the first two victims had crosses round their neck. I saw Lucy’s in an evidence bag this morning. Did you want to save them, is that what this is about?’
‘I did what I could,’ Holmes replied, dropping his eyes to the floor. ‘But it was never enough. Nothing I did or said had any effect.’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t say that. I suppose you think they are in a better place now?’
‘Well, I hope so, but I still don’t see wha—’
‘You cleansed them, didn’t you? Made them clean, whole. Kept them safe from the vermin, free of the filth –’
‘Helen, I’m sorry but you’re not making any sense –’
‘I had to watch Jordi’s body being delivered to her family. Leah’s too. Was that the point? Sending them home for Christmas –’
‘For God’s sake, Helen, will you just shut up for a minute!’
He bellowed it, taking Helen by surprise. His face was red, he seemed suddenly angry. No, he seemed distraught.
‘You don’t seriously think that I killed them, do you?’
‘That’s exactly what I think. They were under your spell, you had easy access to their cells, could pass back and forth without arousing suspicion –’
‘This is crazy.’
‘I think you love saving these bad girls. They are pretty far gone – drugs, sex, violence even – but you can make things right, send them to their maker as they should have been.’
‘Is that what you think of me?’ Holmes asked her, for the first time looking genuinely affronted by Helen’s accusations.
‘I could see how that might have been tempting. Having that control over them, the power of life and death. And I can also see that it was not without its cost. You’re not a monster and what you’ve done hurts. I’m sure that will be taken into account, so why don’t we end this now?’
Helen held out her hand, but Holmes made no move to join her. Instead, he smiled a sad smile, shaking his head ruefully.
‘I think you rather overestimate my effectiveness, Helen. I did like those women and I wanted to help them. But I couldn’t. I talked to them, counselled them, tried to get them off drugs, but nothing I did worked. I’m sad not because of what I’ve done, but because of what I haven’t done. I’m a failure, Helen.’
Helen stood her ground. He looked genuine, but it had to be him, didn’t it?
‘I’ve worked in this place nearly ten years and how many souls have I saved? How many people have I actually helped? People say they’re grateful for my counsel and they promise to change. But then they give in to despair and self-hatred, go back to the drugs, cut themselves. This moment has been coming for a while but today it hit home. I have wasted my time here. I have achieved nothing. And do you know why?’
Helen didn’t know what to say. She had always found Holmes an uncomfortable presence and his role in the murders seemed to fit so neatly. But unless he was a very good actor, he was speaking from the heart now.
‘Because they have nothing to live for,’ he continued, hardly pausing for breath. ‘The women that come here are on a downward spiral. Leah, Jordi, Lucy – they all maintain the fiction that they might leave here one day, get a second chance. But they’re lifers and they know in their heart of hearts that they’re not going anywhere. And that’s why I couldn’t touch them. Why I’m so useless, so ineffective. Because they lack the one thing that you have always had, Helen.’
He looked her square in the eye, before concluding:
‘Hope.’