OLD-GUY PRACTICE

None of us is getting any younger, and you don’t want to have any problems adjusting to old age, so I suggest you practise being an old guy now. That way, when the time comes, you’ll be ready.

• Drive in the passing lane at half the speed limit with your turn signal on.
• Slump down in the driver’s seat so your noggin is completely hidden by the headrest.
• Dawdle aimlessly through the mall with your mouth open.
• Try to work your bowel movements into every conversation.
• Hike up your pants half an inch every six months. You may start to notice chafing in your armpits, but you will eventually build up calluses.
• Approach strangers randomly and tell them what they’re doing wrong.
• Turn that smile upside down.
• Walk with the fluidity and grace of a stepladder.
• Park your car by ear.
• Ride a charter bus to Branson, Missouri, and sit near the restroom.
• Explain how everything used to be so much better.
• See how loud the TV can go.
• Wear huge sunglasses.
• Shave your legs.
• Use the time it takes you to get out of a recliner to time an egg.
• Fall asleep during a porno movie.
• Have your pharmacist on speed dial.
• Don’t eat anything that has flavour.