Of all the skills a person can learn in their lives, none is more important than the art of the apology. There are just so many situations in life where nothing but an apology will do. And yet it’s a complex and mystifying science, because there are so many variables creating so many different dynamics in so many situations that it’s not always easy to know what the correct apology should be. And giving the wrong apology is worse than no apology at all. Here’s what you need to know.
This doesn’t happen nearly as often as you think it does. So if you’ve made a habit out of underestimating your own guilt, you are probably also good at underestimating the other person’s intelligence. This attitude will lead you to making a half-hearted, sarcastic apology that will do more harm than good. That’s because of the cardinal rule of apologies: the less obliged you feel to give an apology, the more sincere that apology must be. The best solution is a simple, straightforward “I screwed up. I’m sorry.” Don’t qualify your apology by adding “but what the hell were you thinking?” In fact, any sentence with the word but in it is not an apology. If you put a but in your apology, somebody’s liable to kick it.
This is a tricky one. Maybe you were sleeping on some shelving in a corner of the warehouse when you got a severe leg cramp and kicked over the small electric heater you had in there with you, which led to a serious of unfortunate coincidences involving a large propane tank and the eventual blowing off of the factory roof. Nobody really has any idea of what happened, and you feel bad about it, but you’re afraid an apology may cost you your job. The best solution is to tell your boss you’re sorry, but don’t get specific—just that you’re sorry that crazy things like this just happen, and if there’s anything you can do, like take a cut in pay or help pay for a new roof, you’d be happy to do that. Chances are he won’t suspect a thing. If he hired you in the first place, he’s obviously not that hard to fool.
This is the big daddy of apologies. You know you have to apologize, but your mistake was so huge that an apology alone is not going to cut it. The danger here is that the apology becomes the thin edge of the wedge leading to a lifetime of attempted restitution in an effort to get the scales of justice back to even. That’s why the quid pro quo has to be part of the apology. “I’m sorry. I was wrong. I feel badly about it, and to make it up to you, I will buy you another cow.” That way, when they accept your apology, they’re also accepting the terms under which your relationship can get back to what it was.
We’ve all had situations where things were said and done by both parties, and now you’re expected to apologize when in fact you feel the other person should be apologizing to you. This requires finesse and subtlety. You need to adjust your thinking a little. You need to accept that you are partially to blame, even if you’re not. Stubbornness is your enemy here. But that doesn’t mean you’re the only one to blame, and your apology can reflect that position. “I know some hurtful things have been said and done on both sides, and I for one feel badly about my part in that and feel I owe you an apology.” Now, wait a few seconds for their response (i.e., apology). If it’s not forthcoming, you are justified to add, “So, do you accept my apology?” They’ll answer yes, and then you say, “Me too.” And leave the room immediately.