HOW TO PRESERVE YOUR INTERNAL HERMIT

Deep in the heart of every man is the urge to be a hermit. Even the Pope probably has days when he’s looking for a little “me” time. Of course, very few of us can act on this urge, but repressing it can lead to anger and resentment. So the best solution is to have brief moments of the hermetic lifestyle, to recharge your batteries, and then you’re ready to get back to being the loving husband and father and hale fellow well met that everybody has bought into all these years. So here are a few good-natured ways to grab that little respite of privacy and serenity that we all so desperately need.

• Put a DO NOT DISTURB sign on your ball cap.
• Spin the couch 180 degrees and slide it up to a bare wall, creating a hiding place/crib.
• Wear earphones all the time—with the other end plugged into your wallet.
• Redo your garage doors so they lock from the inside.
• Tell your wife you’ll be in the basement for a while trying to get rid of a nest of mice. She’ll let you stay down there as long as you want.
• Take up ice fishing.
• Set up your phone so that all of your incoming calls are forwarded to a telemarketing company.
• Wire your doorbell so that, instead of ringing, it sends a small electrical charge through the person’s finger.
• Don’t make eye contact with anyone, including yourself—unless you’re cross-eyed, in which case you can’t help it.
• Turn your welcome mat over and leave a few spent shotgun shells lying on the ground.
• Stay inside the house. If you absolutely must go out for something, take your shirt off to eliminate small talk.
• Put a QUARANTINED sign on your door. Make sure you spell it correctly—GUARANTEED is a different word.
• Get something odd smelling from a local farm and put a small pile of it in the bushes near your house.
• Put a NO HABLA INGLES sign on your door. If you live in Canada, make sure you also have it in French.
• Leave your garbage can at the end of the driveway with a hazardous waste sticker on it and a handful of glow-in-the-dark golf balls inside.
• If all of the above fails, just say what you think. To everybody. You’ll be alone in no time.