HOW TO SELL A QUESTIONABLE USED CAR

It is human nature to want something for nothing, so no matter how little you’re asking for your used car, the prospective buyer will be expecting a lot more quality than is reasonable. Unfortunately, this sad truth prevents you from being totally honest. While I’m not suggesting you lie, it is okay, and even necessary, to omit certain details and even imply certain untruths through ambiguous implication. The ultimate goal is to sell the vehicle; even at worst, the buyer learns enough to be able to sell the car to somebody else. Here are a few very acceptable tricks of the trade to help you unload that old stove you’ve been driving.

• If the engine is noisy, use additives. You can pour liquid honey or caramel pudding into the crankcase through the oil filler pipe. If it’s still knocking, try chunks of fudge or small rubber dog toys.
• If lots of blue smoke is coming out of the exhaust pipe, jam a potato up in there. Just remember not to run the engine for long, and don’t ever stand behind the car.
• If the odometer is reading over 300,000 klicks, get some beige nail polish or appliance enamel and put a small decimal point between the last two digits.
• If you have lots of power options, like power windows, keyless entry, power trunk lid, sunroof, etc., and none of them work, install a dead battery and blame everything on that.
• If one of the doors is missing, park the car in such a way that it’s not noticeable. If two doors are missing, you may have a problem, unless they’re both on the same side.
• If the car smells like smoke because it has been on fire a few times, avoid embarrassing questions by stuffing the ashtrays with cigarette butts.
• If the car just plain smells bad, put an onion in the glove compartment.
• Clean out the car. Most prospective buyers will be put off by any amount of manure in the back-seat area.
• If the tires are bald and you are an artistic type, you can draw tread on them with a fresh Sharpie.
• If you have a stone chip in the windshield (see the chapter on gravel driveways), hang large fuzzy dice to block the driver’s view of the blemish.
• Imply that the car runs well by stuffing the console with unpaid speeding tickets.
• If the muffler is shot, turn up the radio.
• If the car has different coloured fenders and doors,make sure it’s dirty enough that you can’t tell (probably not an issue).