APPEARANCES CAN BE REVEALING

If you’re observant, you can learn a lot about a person just from certain details in their appearance or behaviour. I’m not talking about profiling here, because I’m not allowed to. I mean little signs you can look for; after you see them, you’ll immediately know a lot more about that person than they expected you to, because generally people assume you’re an idiot.

Here are a few tips to help you delay that discovery.

• If the person has no eyebrows, they have recently purchased their first barbecue.
• If the person talks about suicide, they are a golfer.
• If the person has no cuts or scars on their right hand, they are left-handed.
• If the person asks you to turn the heat up, they are not wearing underwear.
• If the person has several welts and bruises on their forehead, they live in a basement apartment.
• If the person blinks and twitches a lot, they have recently been struck by lightning.
• If the person eats a lot of cheese, they have outdoor plumbing.
• If the person is itchy, they will steal one of your forks.
• If the person is boring, they are married.
• If the person has big teeth, they also have a big mouth.
• If the person is eating a raw onion, they will be leaving early and alone.
• If the person plays nervously with their car keys, they have a wife who likes to shop.
• If the person talks only about the future, they have been incarcerated.
• If the person doesn’t listen to anyone, they’re in politics.