The Virgin Queen spoke six languages, rode on horseback all over England, had her sister executed, attended the premiere of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, never married so as not to share power, beat the Spanish Armada, and sent Drake around the world. She can manage this team. If you miss a sign, she will have your head lopped off. She has a huge female member.
James had the Bible rewritten. He knows the rules.
Huge and athletic, Henry VIII was a great tennis player as well. He stared down the pope and was a frequent killer of his own wives. He holds down first for all England.
Ethelred’s full name says it all. He tried killing the Vikings, then bribing the Vikings. Bad planning or versatile? Certainly flexible. He can go in the hole and turn two.
She was six feet tall. The hot corner is all hers. She was the one who wore a red wig and was waxed by her cousin Elizabeth. She also gave birth to James I, who succeeded Elizabeth, so who had the last laugh? Line drives do not scare her. Nothing scares her.
Frugal and deeply religious, Edward can use faith and divine justice to run down ground balls and argue with the umpires.
Scottish dad, Danish mother, Charles fought and lost a civil war but was such a badass that on the cold day of his execution, he asked for warm clothes. He said, “The season is so sharp as probably may make me shake, which some observers may imagine proceeds from fear. I would have no such imputation.” No such imputation given, sir. He can play the wall.
Diligent and resolute, George stood tall during WWII. Buckingham Palace was bombed nine times, and he never split. He can flag flies. He visited troops all through the war. Father of the longest-reigning monarch, Elizabeth II. He plays center without a hitch or stammer.
He will be great in the garden talking to the birds. George III lost America, but he will win ball games.
After a million years in the show, Elizabeth has staying power and the crazy fastball.
Richard I was a hot-tempered dude and a cruel-assed Crusader who beat the mighty Saladin. He did get captured, but after being ransomed, he was crowned king of England a second time. He is my field general.
They don’t call you The Conqueror unless you are a bona fide badass. They also called him William the Bastard because he was. William I had three horses killed under him at Hastings. He rode waving his helmet so the troops could see he was alive—he can save the game.
Queen during WWII, Elizabeth took pistol training. Super gay-friendly and drank seventy drinks a week. She’ll sell beer and wine in the stands and drink it as well. Passed at 101. Baby, that is hanging tough.