Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
—Robin Williams
I think that everything should be made available to everybody, and I mean LSD, cocaine, codeine, grass, opium, the works. Nothing on earth available to any man should be confiscated and made unlawful by other men in more seemingly powerful and advantageous positions.
—Charles Bukowski
Drugs have a bad reputation. Drugs mean people are dangerous and irresponsible. This is puritanical nonsense. Drugs have done everything from cause Louis Armstrong to invent jazz to make Maya Angelou outstrip you in every field of endeavor. President Obama said he regretted doing drugs, that they were bad. Obviously, they messed up his life; he ended up with the menial job of Leader of the Free World. President Clinton said he didn’t inhale and was impeached. W. Bush said he didn’t remember if he did cocaine; that is not something one forgets, because coke does not just do itself. Elaborate measures are required. First, you have to go to an asshole’s house to get it. Even if you are a prince.
Everyone is on drugs. Your doctor, your friends, your doctor’s friends, a certain author. Governments conduct wars on drugs. This is so they can waste tax money and shoot the poor with impunity. Many jobs have drug testing. No heads of corporations have to take a drug test. This is so people will feel awful about themselves and their awful bloody jobs and want to take drugs. Drugs don’t make the users illogical. They make the people who want to monitor the users illogical. Remember: only users lose drugs, so make sure you have a safe place where you won’t forget.
Maybe drugs just need a new name. We’ll call them cat snacks instead. Are you holding any kitty snickers? How much for a dime bag of cat snackies? You know what would make that Daft Punk show even better or even good? A couple of snacks de chat. Here are some of The Smartest Book’s favorite kitten friskies:
Being high is fun. TV is watchable sorta. Books are fascinating. Butterflies whisper messages if you smoke enough. There is being high and not being high. You have been not high. Try being high. Don’t use if it makes you paranoid. But then just remember: it’s you, not them. Well, I guess it could be them.
Weed’s exotic cousin. Make sure you have a colorful hat and a rug to nap on. Order the dates with bacon. Stop using if you start chanting.
Use only if you have an evening to ruin. You will not meet the right kind of people. If you think they are the right kind of people, then coke has fooled you.
Oxymoronic paired with “chic.” Only fun in fiction. No one who has ever done it recommends it as a party starter. Have a drink instead and read about it.
Use only for short bursts of mania. Desist if you feel the inclination to shoot a road sign.
Use when directed to. Makes flying less stressful. Makes work groovy. With wine makes Bravo genius.
Use only until you run out. Don’t call me crying.
We think it is the same as Ecstasy. Maybe it’s our age.
Ecstasy is better as a state than a drug. Hydrate often.
Best in a safe place like the beach at night. Or under a blanket fort. Listen to Bebel Gilberto bossa nova jams. This will calm you.
Go to a park. Bring a kite. Meet the lower-flying deities on their own terms. Hydrate with magic tea.
We are too old to consider snorfing this. Do not ingest anything you can buy on a Dutch website.
You are a nineteenth-century author. Write an epic poem with “Xanadu” in it.