Dictators have it tough. They have to be strong but are misunderstood by the innocent people they slaughter and oppress. Paradoxically, they hold together some nations with an iron will and law and order, but when those nations are set to take leave of them, all hell breaks loose like Marshal Tito in the Balkans or Saddam Hussein in Iraq. It is difficult not to make sport of them as they are like a morbid funhouse version of our so-called leaders. If Dick Cheney wore a funny hat and a leopard dashiki, we might all be laughing instead of looking over our shoulders. Let’s round up these scoundrels and make a pennant contender out of them. Raise the flag, hide your dissidents, and let’s play ball.
The most overused figure in history. The left use him to represent madness, genocide, and fascism; the right, to represent anything they disagree with. He was a sad, mediocre, freaky sadist, lousy artist, pedestrian soldier, maniacal, one-gonad, flatulent vegetarian who abused his niece so much she took her own life. He loved his dog and hated his spongy nephew Willy who, for real, came to New York and tried to break into society on his uncle’s hot name. Dolf managed because Germany got organized fast and in short time did what Napoleon tried to do (beat up Europe), but then he made the same mistake of taking on Russia in winter. Hitler will have his coaches whip this team into shape. When he gets angry, he will toss the vegetarian buffet over. Then try to beat the Reds.
One of the great Reagan/Bush era drugs-for-guns-and-money dictators. He ruled Panama and rigged every election; this cat can call a game. He was hounded out of his compound by U.S. forces blaring loud rock music, including Van Halen. He can definitely deal with the racket of a Fourth of July doubleheader. No need to drug test; he is super positive. The first foreign leader to be convicted in a U.S. court, this is a catcher who will get the most out of instant replay. No small nugget will get by him.
Part of that legendary all-star team of Latin American dictators with Pinilla from Colombia and the Somozas in Nicaragua, Trujillo ruled the Dominican Republic with brutal efficiency. Slaughtered loads of people, including the Haitians, who lived next door. He also hired Satchel Paige and a group of black stars to play for him in the ’30s. He loved the game almost as much as stealing and cruising in his blue Chevy Bel Air. Alas, it was in the Bel Air that he was assassinated. Trujillo will keep runners close to the bag. With ruthless force if necessary.
Napoleon wasn’t as short as rumored, more like close to 5'7", but he was as ambitious. As a young officer, he took initiative and ran with it. He was impatient at his own coronation and grabbed the crown before the pope could place it on his head and made himself emperor. Hits up the middle are nothing to him. He withstood Prussian guns, so he can take a hard slide and turn the pivot. You can bench him; he is used to exile. He may just come charging back out of the dugout and take over the world in between innings.
The dictator of Indonesia for thirty-two years. Because his reign coincided with the Vietnam War and he was not a commie, we gave him billions of dollars, all of which he absconded with. He gradually took over for Sukarno when a coup failed, so he has the soft hands needed for third. As far as gobbling up grounders, when he died it is said that he had embezzled somewhere between 15 and 35 billion clams, so he can suck it up hard. Toward the end after he stepped down, he said he was ill, but everyone saw him golfing and jogging so he is game-fit. A thief to catch line drives down the left-leaning line.
Shifty and self-serving, he is perfect to run into the hole for a grab. He perfected stealing, and his wife, Imelda, can be the equipment manager. She famously owned several skyscrapers and thousands of pairs of shoes. Marcos claimed to have fought the Japanese as a guerrilla during WWII, but guess what? He lied; he was, after all, a full-on lawyer. His wicked ways mean hot defense.
The Lefty’s lefty. Born to play the wall and fervent in his belief. Demanded absolute silence while he worked, so let’s make some noise and inspire him to madness out there in the green acres. The man who gave us the Red Terror, purges, and the execution of the Romanovs can cut runners down at the plate with his strong arm.
Pinochet seized power from the legally elected president Salvador Allende and had him aced. The general will not be shy in the vast reaches of center. Backed by the U.S., he willingly takes support and is a team player. Do not argue with him, or you will find yourself disappeared. Looks great in a uniform. He gets the call. If it is a blooper, he will junta it down.
His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular can now add right fielder. He was a notorious butcher and strongman. He rose through the ranks of the British Colonial Empire Army and snuck into power while the leader Obote was abroad. He has the wiles to play the far reaches of the park with all its quirks. Spent his last days with our staunch allies the Saudis so he could relax in the sun. The lord of the beasts will now be lord of the flies.
Castro, strangely a righty, was known to throw a hard curve. If we had let him play, all this might never have happened. Legend is he tried out with the Yankees or Senators. He mythically turned down a $5,000 bonus to sign with the Giants—ten years later: pow, bang, ouch. Of course, he should have pitched for the Reds. Then the revolution may have gone down quite differently. Cuba regularly drubs international squads while maintaining Castro’s horrible policy that forces Cuban players to defect. Castro once suggested that Jeb Bush, President George W’s brother, could lose some weight, so leadership is not an issue. He is the obvious starter as the most famous baseball-playing aficionado dictator of all time.
He is the ultimate stopper. Of humanity.
He took the Long March, he slammed his people with the Cultural Revolution, he chased girls on the road. He was built to smoke in the clubhouse and then get out there and take his cuts. He wrote the Little Red Rulebook.