Chapter 31

Alicia

I snatched a fortifying glass of champagne off a waiter’s tray as I strode into the lobby of the Synergy Austin office on the first of December. The winter darkness outside the large windows reflected the blackness inside my heart.

I scanned the room. Normally, I wouldn’t have attended a client’s launch party. As a contractor, I was supposed to do my job unobtrusively, expecting nothing other than a paycheck. But after I’d refused every one of his lunch invitations over the past two weeks, Tyler had begged me to come, saying he needed to tell me something in person. So here I was.

I’ll be honest: I was looking for closure, too. I’d finally be able to confront Jackson Jones and tell him what I thought of his lack of emotional intelligence.

He wasn’t there in the lobby, and neither was Tyler. Still sipping my champagne, I walked upstairs.

I found Amit and Kevin near the balcony doors. After a few minutes of small talk about their new projects and the hospital gig I’d been working on, I excused myself to continue my prowl.

Cooper Fallon was standing near our old work area. They’d reconfigured it from its former U-shape, and now the desks were all bunched together. Someone else sat there now.

I owed Cooper thanks for the very nice testimonial he’d sent me about a week after my last day at Synergy. It’d been like him: cold, detached, and professional. But the same day I’d added it to my website, I’d gotten three calls from potential clients.

I caught his eye, and a change came over his expression: a flash of surprise, followed by narrow-eyed suspicion. What the hell?

I needed another glass of champagne before I could brave a conversation with him. I headed toward the kitchen, where I found a fresh glass, but no Jackson. Where was he? What right did he have to stay away, to hide from me? He should’ve at least had the balls to show up and give me my closure.

I stalked along the fronts of the offices, glancing inside each one. I wouldn’t have put it past Jackson to have found some new coworker to seduce and to be making out in one of them, the dog.

Not that I cared. What Jackson Jones did wasn’t my business anymore.

Since my breakdown at Tiannah’s, I’d been my pre-Jackson, buttoned-up, professional self. But I’d learned a thing or two from working at Synergy, and I’d implemented a few stylistic changes. I accepted the happy hour invitations. I’d even gone to a fundraiser for the hospital I was working for. One of the administrators I’d met had a kid with ADHD, and we’d shared stories. We were going to lunch the following week.

I was warm. Friendly. And still professional.

Too bad I hadn’t found that balance at Synergy. If I had, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten my heart broken. I wouldn’t be wandering the halls like some suit-wearing Miss Havisham, looking for lost love. He’d done that to me. He’d reduced me to this seething, champagne-clutching, tunnel-vision version of myself. I should’ve been enjoying myself at this swanky party, secretly patting myself on the back for my contributions to the project, chatting up other potential clients. Jackson had to be here somewhere, hands in his jeans pockets, rocking on the toes of those ridiculous boots, soaking up praise and adulation.

I glanced back toward the stairs and caught a glimpse of tousled, sandy-brown hair. Tyler. I strode that direction. He was going to tell me where Jackson was, and then I was going to get my damned closure.

Jackson

“Fuck,” I muttered when the error flashed again on my screen. Somehow, I’d managed to forget everything I knew about coding. That or, like Pavlov’s dogs, I’d been conditioned to code when I smelled Earl Grey tea, and without it, I was lost.

Maybe I could ask Marlee to make me a cup to set on my desk, and it’d reset my brain so I could code again.

Like she’d read my mind, she tapped gently on the door. She never used to walk on eggshells around me. When I was bad-boy Jackson, she’d pushed and pulled me until I did the right thing. Most of the time. But even Marlee couldn’t handle model-programmer Jackson, who showed up at my sixth-floor office at 8 A.M. to code, kept my head down, and went straight back to my lonely apartment when the cleaning staff arrived late at night.

And managed to produce nothing but crappy code.

It didn’t matter so much. Cooper had assigned me a couple programmers to “clean me up.” Their code, while clunky and uninspired, at least functioned, error-free. It wasn’t anything like the elegant program I’d produced with Alicia.

I’d never write code like that again.

Alicia. What was she doing right now? Probably kicking ass on her hospital project. And hating me.

“Jackson?” Marlee poked her head in.

“Yeah?” I peered at my screen. The error message hadn’t gone anywhere.

“I brought you a sandwich. And a cookie.” She held up a white bakery bag.

“Not hungry.”

She set it on my desk. “You need to eat.”

“I said I’m not hungry,” I growled. I hadn’t felt like eating since that last night with Alicia. The Adderall I was taking to help me focus on work probably wasn’t helping.

“How about a walk? We can go to the park, and you can meditate.”

I’d tried that, too, but I couldn’t clear thoughts of Alicia out of my brain. “No.”

“The fitness center, then. Exercise always makes you feel better.”

“What the fuck, Marlee? Why are you trying to distract me?”

She made the mistake of glancing at my screen, the empty one with the time and date app in the corner. Four in the afternoon on December first.

December first. Two thousand miles away, the Austin office was hosting the launch party. For the product our team had produced. And they were doing it without me.

I should’ve been there. Except I didn’t deserve it.

Was she there? Was she looking for me?

The night before that Wednesday morning I’d been supposed to meet her, after four hours of furious silence on the company jet, after another eight hours of all-hands-on-deck solving Weston’s problem, Cooper had dropped me at my place. He’d knitted his eyebrows at me like he was worried. I guessed he’d expected me to rage at him, to argue. To sulk. To run.

I’d wanted to tear off my own skin while I was stuck in that conference room with Weston and our public relations team when I should’ve been back in Austin making plans for my date with Alicia. But I’d stayed. It was the right thing to do for my company. For Cooper, for Marlee, for everyone at headquarters and the entire team back in Austin. It was even the best thing for Alicia. If I could’ve told her what I was doing, she might’ve been proud. But I couldn’t. Not a word of the offshoring fiasco could get out into the media. Weston had shut us up tighter than his own asshole.

While Alicia’s testimonial hung in the balance, I didn’t dare contact her. Her text sat on my phone, torturing me. It was what I deserved after nearly ruining her business.

So she thought I was a douchebag. I’d have let her down sooner or later anyway. And in the back of her mind, she knew it, too. She’d known not to trust me with Noah. Too bad she hadn’t been so careful with herself.

Who was I to think I could be a man and step up as a parent to Noah? I couldn’t even keep my own shit together.

The next day, I’d blocked her number and then deleted it from my phone to avoid the temptation to call her back. And then I’d stomped down to the dumpster and tossed in the useless hunk of technology. It’d landed with a gratifying smash against the metal bottom. What the fuck did I need a phone for? I’d be a drone, shuttling back and forth between the office and my apartment. No temptations. No social life, no friends. No illusions I could be more.

Still, I couldn’t keep from torturing myself.

On my computer, I opened a browser window and pulled up a social media site.

“Jackson, don’t,” Marlee said, flexing her fingers like she’d stop me. “Please.”

“Did he ask you to keep me away from it?” I searched for the #SynergyLaunch hashtag. Photos of the familiar Austin office flooded the screen. People drinking champagne. Kevin and Amit at the buffet table. I almost smiled. I missed those guys. Upstairs, a group of posed employees, beaming.

“He said it’d only upset you.”

I barked out a bitter laugh. “Upset me?” How the fuck could I be more upset than I already was?

I scrolled through a photo of Cooper standing near our old work area with some suit. Cooper with some grinning employees. Same employees, no Cooper, though I spotted him in the background, scowling at—

I zoomed in. A hand, clutching a glass of champagne. Most of her was out of frame, and her face was obscured by an outflung elbow.

But I’d know that hand anywhere. Long and pale. I’d watched those slender fingers fly silently over her keyboard for weeks.

I scrolled through more photos. There she was again, in the background of a photo of the IT team. She had her hand on someone’s arm. Tyler’s. His face was blurry, but his tousled hair was the same as it’d been at the party at my place. A few photos later, I spotted them behind the glass of a conference room wall. They were out of focus in the background of another picture, but I knew the curve of her hip. The hip she’d revealed to me when she’d dropped her skirt. The hip I’d caressed, reverently, while I’d coated myself in her essence. The hip I’d cradled after she’d shown me what lay behind her shield, after she’d fallen apart.

In the foreground, Cooper smiled. Like he’d toiled for months in Austin’s summer heat to build the fucking software. Like he hadn’t swooped in at the end and shredded the first happiness I’d found in a long time. Like he hadn’t forced me to act like all the other men in her life and disappoint the best woman I’d ever known. Like he didn’t fucking care. Some partner he’d been.

“Jackson?” I’d almost forgotten Marlee was still there. “What happened in Austin? And why is there a chunk of ice wrapped in a sock in the employee freezer?”

“He didn’t tell you how I fucked everything up? Again?”

A line formed between her delicate eyebrows. “It’s not fucked up. Look how happy everyone is. Customers are lining up to buy the new version.”

I clicked on the photo of Alicia with Tyler. Zoomed in until it was so pixelated I couldn’t resolve her features. But I remembered. I remembered the slope of her nose. The perfect curve of her barely-there blond eyebrows. Her eyes so blue and deep I could have drowned in them. The trusting, hopeful smile she gave me when I’d promised to text her.

“Her.” I jabbed my finger at the screen. “She’s the reason the project was successful. That everyone is so happy. That I was happy for a while.” I tried to swallow, but my throat closed.

Marlee dragged one of my guest chairs around to my side of the desk and plopped down into it. “Tell me.”

And I did. I let it all go. The good parts and the bad. And then the worst part where I let her down exactly like she’d expected.

When I finished, Marlee squinted at me. “And why are you like this?”

“Like what?”

Her lip curled. “Here, acting like a robot, and not at a race in Brazil or on a sailboat in the Mediterranean or surrounded by women in a hot tub at a ski chalet. You know, doing what you always do when you fuck something up.”

I blinked. “I—I thought about it. But I guess I’m not that guy anymore.”

Her eyes widened. “She did this. She changed you. Like in the novel I’m reading!”

She ran out of my office and returned with a battered paperback. On the cover was a bare-chested guy in a kilt. She waved it at me. “She completes you. And that makes you a better man.” She sighed and closed her eyes for a minute.

“So fucking what,” I snarled. “Did the dude in that book also happen to punch his love interest right where she was already hurting? I can’t hit control-Z on this and undo it.”

Marlee sat up. “No, you can’t. But you can make it right. You have to grovel. And then, then you’ll live happily ever after.” Her lips curled up in a smile, and her eyes went soft.

“No!” The word shot out of me like a Formula One car at the starting grid. “How long could we make it work? Two weeks? A month? And then I’d fuck it up like I do everything else. I can’t do that to her.”

“Why not, Jackson?” she asked. “She wanted to try.”

“Because I care about her too much. Because I love her.” I turned away from the screen and stared out my window at the ugly building across the street.

“She loves you, too.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do know that. She’s a smart woman. She wouldn’t have jeopardized her testimonial for you if she didn’t love you.”

“She’ll get over it.” I never would, though. My own heart was shattered in pieces like my goddamn phone.

“Jackson Jones.” When she stood, the chair legs screeched across the wood floor. “I put up with a lot of your shit, but I will not put up with this. It’s time for you to stop hiding behind that I-don’t-give-a-fuck veneer. I know showing you care about something is hard. It opens you up to ridicule. And heartbreak. But if you care about Alicia, you need to man up. Believe in yourself. Believe that together, you can be stronger.”

In Austin, Alicia and I had been a team. We’d accomplished more together than we ever could have separately. But that’d been for only two months. Could we sustain it for longer, for—I gulped—forever? Because that’s what Alicia deserved. What she needed.

“She has a kid, you know. He’s ten. I don’t know anything about kids.”

“You practically raised Sam from the time she was only a little older than that. She turned out great. I think you’re smart enough to figure it out.”

Sam had never fit into Mother’s expectations, either, not like Andrew and Natalie had. So I’d spent a lot of time with her. Taught her to code. Maybe I could do the same for Noah. It’d be a start.

“You really think I could be a—a dad?”

Marlee smiled. “I bet Alicia’s got the parenting part covered. Aim for big-brotherly role model. At least to start.”

A tiny seed sprouted in my brain. Big brotherly role model. “Marlee, I need your help.”

She pulled out her phone. “Do you want the jet, or do you want to fly commercial to Austin?”

“No.” I laid my hand over hers, stilling her fingers on her phone. “I need an appointment with my financial adviser. Like, now. And I need a list of charitable foundations that help kids. Preferably neurodivergent kids. And if they use computers or coding to do it, even better.”

Marlee’s mouth went flat and exasperated again. “Jackson, she doesn’t need you to prove you’re worthy by giving away a ton of cash. She only needs you.”

“I need to prove I’m worthy. To myself. Before I can ask her to take me back.”

She shook her head. “Always the hard way with you.”

I lifted one corner of my mouth. “You wouldn’t want it any other way.”

Finally, I earned her smile. “No, boss, I wouldn’t.” She sank back into the chair. Her fingers flew over her phone screen.

“Thanks, Marlee. For everything.” I’d have hugged her, but I didn’t want to interrupt her research.

“You can thank me by groveling to Alicia until she takes you back and then bringing her here to San Francisco. I want to meet this woman who’s changed you.”

“You’ll love her. I do.” I had a fuck-ton of work to do before I could achieve the goal Marlee had summed up for me. But like Alicia had taught me to do, I’d break it up into tasks and knock them down one by one. Though I didn’t think she’d be impressed by a win-Alicia-back task board. I’d keep that quiet and focus on the grand gesture Marlee was always talking about in her romance novels.

Marlee looked up, her eyes sparkling. “We need a code name for this project.”

“Don’t you think that’s a little—”

She tapped a finger against her lips. “In most of the movies, the hero has to serenade the heroine to win her back. You don’t sing, so you could always do a Say Anything with a boombox. We could call it—”

“No singing. No boombox. And we’ll call it Project Cowboy Up.”

She grinned. “Sounds good, boss. Your financial planner will meet you here in an hour.”

“I’ve got to run to my place first. For my boots.”

“Your—”

“Boots.” I’d committed to the fucking boots. It wasn’t the same as what I was going to do with Alicia, but they’d remind me of what she’d taught me and of how I was going to live the rest of my life.

“Got it, boss. Project Cowboy Up is going to be one for the books.”

I didn’t care about books. Or movies. Only Alicia and whether I could get her back.

Alicia

“You what?”

Tyler hunched and shoved his hands into his pockets. He glanced at the closed door of the small conference room I’d dragged him into like he was considering a jailbreak. “Cooper was asking where you two were, and I said you’d probably rather celebrate alone. It was an offhand comment. I didn’t know it was a secret. I thought he knew. I thought everyone knew.”

“It wasn’t a secret,” I said through gritted teeth, “because there was nothing to tell. Jackson and I weren’t a couple.”

“But I—but you kissed. At the party at Jay’s place.”

Heat rushed to my cheeks. “Okay, we did that. I didn’t realize you saw us. Or that you’d remember. But it didn’t mean we were together.” I thought back to that Monday night in Jackson’s apartment, when I’d hoped we could start something real, if only for a while. But he hadn’t wanted even that.

“God, I’m sorry. Really. Do you know where he is? I’ve been dying to apologize.”

“He’s not here?”

Tyler’s forehead wrinkled. “Not since the day after the project ended. He came in to apologize to the team for creating a hostile work environment. And now he doesn’t pick up when I call, and he doesn’t text back. Do you think he hates me? Because—” He ducked his head. “I got a promotion. And a transfer to San Francisco. I’m going to work in his department. And it’ll suck if he hates me.”

“No, Tyler. He thinks you’re a great guy. And congratulations on the new job.” I reached out a hand to lay it on his shoulder but froze. The blinds to the room were open, and I didn’t want anyone to see me—the office’s scarlet woman, apparently—touching him. A hostile work environment? Maybe a couple of our glances had lingered too long. Maybe our kisses—outside work and in places we thought no one could see us—threatened Tyler and the rest of the team. We hadn’t been as circumspect as I’d thought. If only they knew the rest of it. Jackson and I had barely waited for my company access credentials to be deleted from the system before we’d fallen into bed together. My face burned.

And yet, Cooper had given me the testimonial I needed, despite behavior he clearly saw as unprofessional. Why? I needed to find him. I’d thank him for the valuable words. And I’d apologize if I needed to.

“Have you seen him tonight?” I peered out the room’s tiny window.

“Who?”

“Cooper.”

“Yeah. He’s around somewhere. I was going to ask him about Jay.”

“Do you mind if I talk to him first?”

“Go ahead. I’m really sorry I said anything.”

“Don’t worry. It’ll be fine.” I opened the door and strode toward the stairs. Would it be fine? Or would Cooper tell anyone who called for a reference that I’d engaged in an improper relationship with a coworker? I supposed I’d know if I showed up to my next gig and they were all wearing chastity belts.

I spotted his dark blond hair, rising above the rest, downstairs. Keeping my gaze locked on him, I descended and made my way to where he was standing, talking to a group of people. Executives, from the quality of their clothes. I fidgeted with my own skirt, making sure it covered my knees. I wished I’d worn pants.

Cooper’s gaze connected with mine. He winced. Not good.

I hovered outside the circle until, eventually, he excused himself and stood in front of me.

“Ms. Weber. How’s business?” He shook my hand, his fingers icy.

“Doing well, thanks. I’m on a project with a local hospital right now. Thank you again for the kind testimonial. I posted it to my website, and it’s been a help in bringing in business.”

“I’m glad. Could we speak for a minute?” He tilted his head toward the small conference room next to the security desk.

I nodded and followed him.

When the door closed, he said, “I should have reached out to you earlier, but we had something of an emergency at headquarters. I’d like to apologize for Jackson’s behavior. We don’t condone sexual harassment, and he’s being disciplined.”

I blinked. “Sexual harassment?”

“He said you resisted his advances on multiple occasions, including the day the project ended. I appreciate your discretion and hope the testimonial I gave will smooth over any unpleasant feelings he engendered.”

What. The. Hell? What had Jackson done?

“He told you I refused him. That what Tyler said he saw was nonconsensual.”

He held out his hands, palms up. “Jackson’s always honest with me.”

I barely contained a snort. Jackson’s entire persona was a lie. I supposed Cooper knew Jackson used many layers of nonchalant, reckless swagger to hide his soft, squishy, caring self. But now I knew something Cooper didn’t.

If I were a different person, I’d take advantage of the fear in Cooper’s eyes that told me he’d settle out of court for a sum that’d make my family and me comfortable for many years. Private-school tuition for Noah. A nice nest egg for college and retirement.

But that wasn’t who I was.

“Mr. Fallon, Jackson hasn’t been completely honest with you about the nature of our relationship. It was consensual. Jackson didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Are you telling me you, a consultant, had an affair with your client?” His jaw had turned to stone.

Oh, shit.

I wished I could cool my burning cheeks with my cold hands. “Not exactly. Our relationship was almost completely platonic during the project.” Except for the kissing. I bit my lip.

“Unfortunately, it didn’t have the appearance of a platonic relationship. Others on the team noticed.”

“I know, but—”

“You may not realize this”—his eyes were like ice chips—“but this isn’t Jackson’s first…office indiscretion. And it likely won’t be his last.”

Wow. My eyes bulged, and I wouldn’t have been surprised if they’d rolled out of their sockets and onto the industrial carpet. I guess you had to have balls of steel and icewater in your veins to grow a company from your dorm room to a multinational juggernaut.

“Jackson has returned to headquarters. I’d advise you to forget about whatever happened here in Austin. Since you confessed to reciprocating his…advances, I don’t think Synergy owes you anything further. In the future, Ms. Weber, think carefully before you get involved with your clients’ personnel. Not everyone will be as understanding as I am.”

He turned on the heel of his Italian loafer. He had one hand on the door handle when I said, in a voice as sweet as Esmy’s tea, “I don’t think I have much use for your understanding, Mr. Fallon.”

He froze and turned. His wide eyes told me not a lot of people spoke to him the way I had.

“Jackson Jones is an excellent programmer and an underutilized asset to this company. Someday he’s going to figure out exactly how much he’s worth and how little you deserve not only his partnership but also his friendship.” I propped my hands on my hips and stared up at him, pretending I was six-foot-something and could actually look down my nose at him.

He glared at me for ten of my racing heartbeats. Then he yanked open the door and stormed out, leaving me gasping in his wake.

“Fuck you, Cooper Fallon,” I muttered. It made me feel a little better. I’d done all I could: I’d stood up for the man who’d stood up for me. Who’d lied to protect me.

But I hadn’t asked him to do that. I’d asked him to stay. And he hadn’t.

Grinding my teeth, I glared at the phone on the conference table. I wanted to call him. Yell at him. But he wouldn’t answer. He hadn’t answered any of my calls. Maybe he was depressed. Or angry.

My hands shook. Well, fuck him. I was angry, too. Mostly at Cooper and his high-handed assholery. But also with Jackson. Who was he to decide what was best for me, to take the fall himself for something I’d wholeheartedly agreed to? And then to run away without a word, like a ghosting douchebag?

Just like my dad. Like Noah’s dad. Taking the easy way out when life got hard.

Guess what? There was nothing easy about my life. And there was no room in it for someone who couldn’t be bothered to stay.