Rex knocked on my door the next day at one o'clock in the afternoon. With a quick kiss and the mandatory adoration required by Philby (who was upset from the fresh hell of another pill dosing), Rex settled in on the couch. Martini and Philby jumped into his lap and were asleep in seconds. My boyfriend could magically induce instant catatonic states in cats. I seemed to electrify them because they ran from room to room as if they were on fire whenever I came near them.
"What's up with the dead guy in your driveway?" I asked as I started to stretch. I enjoyed the little rush of happiness that came with the words your driveway.
Rex watched as I reached both arms over my head and bent over at the waist until my fingers brushed the floor. This wasn't easy to do because I had no flexibility whatsoever. But I forced it because I didn't want to look…um…inflexible in front of my guy. And it hurt. I'd definitely be feeling that tomorrow.
"His name was Dewey Barnes. He was a part-time pizza guy and part-time marijuana dealer." His right eyebrow arched as I started running in place with my knees almost meeting my chest. Another thing that was usually impossible for me to do. I would be so stiff from trying to impress Rex that I would probably be mainlining ibuprofen within the hour.
"So he has a record?" I attempted to ask through my panting, which was alarming. I was seriously out of shape. Maybe I could take Philby running. Did people jog with cats? I tried to imagine that, but all I could come up with was me dragging an angry cat that looked like Hitler through my neighborhood.
He shook his head. "Nothing. He moved here two years ago from Des Moines, where he grew up. College dropout, not a lot of friends or hobbies, and as far as I can see, no evidence of anyone who'd want to kill him."
I stopped running and stretched my right arm up and over my left side. I was rewarded with a searing pain that told me I was probably going to die from stretching.
"That's weird. We don't get random shootings here."
Rex stared at me as I did the other side. "What are you doing?"
I filled him in on the laser tag match scheduled to take place at right about the time all the pain from stretching would kick in. He probably knew nothing about laser tag. And why would he? Rex didn't strike me as the type who played games with kids.
"Brian Miller? The Brian Miller?" Rex looked impressed.
"Yes," I said with more than a little irritation. "You know him?"
"No, but I've definitely heard of him. He's won the Iowa State Laser Tag Championship four years in a row. They say he'll go to nationals this year."
I stopped stretching because it seemed a bit pointless now and everything hurt. "Really? That's a thing?"
Rex nodded. "There's not a lot that goes on here. Don't you read the paper?"
My gaze traveled to the pile of unopened, rolled-up newspapers in the corner behind the door. I was saving them for a campfire. Rex spotted the newspapers.
"I guess not," he said with a grin. "I wish I wasn't working this afternoon. Your troop taking on Brian Miller would be something to watch."
I narrowed my eyes. "It's just a training exercise with my girls. The most important thing will be that we bond."
I didn't really believe that. In the back of my mind was the constant worry that the CIA would show up at the entertainment center with real guns. But Maria hadn't texted, so I figured I was safe—at least for today. And I wanted to focus on crushing the Boy Scouts. I wanted to destroy this Brian Miller.
"Well, good luck." Rex got up and pulled me into a lovely kiss.
"Oh, ye of little faith," I said as I pushed away and opened the front door, indicating he should go.
Soo Jin was standing in the doorway when I opened it. She broke into a smile at seeing us.
"Hey, guys!" Dr. Body bounced into the room, looking adorable with her silky, black hair in a high ponytail, wearing a tight gym shirt that said Yale and tiny shorts to match.
"She's helping you?" Rex asked with a grin. "Maybe you'll have half a chance."
He said good-bye to me and the coroner, and I shut the door while cursing him under my breath. Philby and Martini came running from the hallway and started rubbing against Soo Jin's perfect legs. She responded by dropping to the floor and running her fingers over their fur. The purring was so loud that it could probably be heard by Rex across the street.
The traitors.
A honk sounded outside. I grabbed my purse and Soo Jin, dragging her out to Kelly's car. My best friend greeted the doctor with a little more enthusiasm than I thought was necessary.
"You've got shotgun, Soo Jin!" Kelly patted the seat beside her.
It took all of my strength to not roll my eyes. To be honest, I was a little proud of myself. Instead I just grumbled in my own head as we made our way through town.
The girls were waiting for us when we pulled into the parking lot.
"Did I miss something?" I asked Kelly. "Why are they dressed up?"
Each one of my Scouts was wearing a dress. Some had bows in their hair. They never looked like that. In fact, I couldn't think of one time since I'd known these kids that they had ever dressed up.
"Brian's troop must be hotties," Soo Jin said.
Is that what this was about? These were eight- and nine-year-olds! And how could we hope to compete at the mud run if they dressed like that? Clearly the girls weren't taking this seriously. Maybe there was an army surplus store around here where I could buy them all tactical gear.
"Here we go." Kelly parked the car, and we herded the girls to the spot where I'd been spanked by a kid only twenty-four hours earlier.
"Hi." A slightly older teenage boy smiled as we walked up. "I'm Alex."
Alex was a good-looking kid. Really good-looking. Too good-looking. And confident. I noticed my girls staring openmouthed at him. Maybe Alex was who they had dressed up for?
"Trent told me you were coming." Alex smiled warmly, and the four Kaitlyns melted. Yup. The troop was trying to impress Alex. That was a relief. I didn't want them to throw the match because they wanted to flirt with Brian's troop.
"Let's get you guys suited up before the boys get here. Okay?" Alex winked. Inez and Caterina swooned.
Once we were decked out in our tech vests, I couldn't help but laugh. The girls looked like they were going to a combination birthday party/terrorist conflict. I watched the two Hannahs practice quick draws from their holsters, and Betty was working on a menacing grimace while Inez threw punches at one of the Kaitlyn's outstretched palms.
"Does this look strange to you?" Kelly leaned toward me.
I nodded. "Totally." Now this was the troop I knew! "These little boys are going down."
"You mean those little boys?" Kelly pointed.
I looked to see a platoon of high school–aged boys approaching us. Many of them were taller than me, and all of them were taller than my girls. They wore their uniforms (which I thought was weird), and more than a few had camo-painted faces.
"Hey!" I said to the Kaitlyns. "You didn't say they were so old!"
Soo Jin whistled under her breath. But when the boys saw her, they stopped dead, eyes bulging. Maybe we had an advantage after all.
One of the Kaitlyns stepped forward as the other girls formed a line behind her. "Hello, Brian. Ready to get your butt kicked?"
A tall boy, who seemed to be part redwood tree, stepped forward and taunted. "You guys are toast. This match will be over in minutes, and I'm not going to buy you ice cream when you cry like a baby."
To her credit, Brian's little sister stepped up, pointing at him. "When we win, you have to post on Facebook and Instagram that you got schooled by Girl Scouts."
Brian sneered at his sister, and the other boys chuckled. "Is this your troop? You'll need an army to defeat us."
For a brief moment I toyed with calling a friend of mine in the Navy SEALs who owed me a favor. I'd like to see Brian wet himself when approached by ten giant men with tattoos and sniper rifles. Sadly, there wasn't enough time.
Betty stepped forward. "Eat it, douchebag!"
"Betty!" Kelly shouted. I was actually impressed that Betty knew what a douchebag was.
The girl looked at her, made what might've been a gang sign, then spun on her heel and rejoined the group. What was happening here? Why didn't I know these boys were mutants? And why did these boys laugh at little girls? I wanted to run back to my house for my hidden stash of CIA-grade LSD tabs (I might've taken one or two office supplies with me when I left the Agency) to shove down these boys' throats. If we were going to lose, they might as well have been hallucinating that we were rabid dragons or at least giant, menacing butterflies.
"Don't go crying to your mama when you lose!" Brian barked. I wondered if he remembered that Kaitlyn's mama was also his own. This family seemed to have a bizarre dynamic.
"You're going down!" his sister shouted.
Then, as suddenly as it had started, the posturing ended. A smiling man emerged from behind the wall of mutant boys, stepping forward, hand extended.
"Hi-de-ho! I'm Bart Miller. The leader of these boys and Kaitlyn's daddy!"
I shook his hand, briefly considering throwing him to the ground. "Merry Wrath. And this is Kelly Albers. We're the leaders of your daughter's troop."
Bart smiled. "Okeydokey!" He grinned like a dad from a bad 1950s sitcom. "Alrighty, then, boys! Let's get suited up!" Who was this guy? A total happy-go-lucky nerd who didn't realize his troop was planning to slaughter little kids? I guess I'd expected Arnold Schwarzenegger or, at the very least, Vincent Price.
I watched as the guys put on their gear. Every now and then, one of my little girls would stick her tongue out at the boys. Betty actually drew her finger across her throat, but I don't think they were intimidated. Which is too bad because, if they knew Betty, they should have been worried.
"Come here, guys." I pulled Soo Jin and the girls around me into a huddle. "We need a strategy." Hell, we needed a miracle. Or Liam Neeson riding a unicorn.
"Well…" Inez thought out loud. "I think we should cheat."
Caterina nodded. "I brought some pepper spray." She produced a large canister that Kelly confiscated immediately. I thought that was unnecessary of my co-leader. We needed every advantage we could find.
"It's twelve to twelve," Soo Jin said. "I think we can take them."
I liked her enthusiasm, although I worried that she was blind and hadn't actually seen the boys.
"These guys are champions," Kelly said. "We'll need to do something unorthodox just to try to keep up."
I nodded. "Absolutely."
"I brought my dad's brass knuckles." Lauren produced a weapon that I was pretty sure was illegal. Kelly took that away too.
"We can't kill them." Kelly narrowed her eyes at me. That woman could read my mind.
"Did you bring your gun?" Emily asked me. The other girls nodded.
I shook my head. "I really should have…"
"No, you shouldn't have!" Kelly hissed. "Girls! You have to concentrate!"
"It's time!" Alex called out. He opened the door to the little fake city, and we all filed inside.
He went over the rules, and I was relieved to see that the girls were listening carefully. The boys just rolled their eyes while pointing and laughing at them. My hands formed into fists more than once.
"I should've at least brought a stun gun," I said quietly to Soo Jin.
The good coroner giggled loudly. It was charming. It also distracted them, as it reminded the boys of the goddess in tight clothes in their midst. All twelve stopped listening to Alex and more than a few started drooling.
I looked around at the ruins of the fake city, and it hit me.
"Do we get a few minutes to consult our troops?" I blurted out.
Alex looked at me then at Brian, who'd taken to smacking his fist into the palm of his hand. He nodded. "Mrs. Albers and I will be in the observation room watching on hidden cameras. So, boys, I expect a clean match with no picking on the girls."
The boys looked at each other and laughed menacingly. I was pretty sure they weren't going to follow Alex's directive.
I bent down to one knee and said very quietly to my troop, "I have an idea…"
Soon we had taken up positions on our respective sides, and then the lights went out. In the dim room, a dozen little girls looked at me and smiled. The game was on.