Truly Mars and Venus

To feel better, Martians go to their caves to solve problems alone.

To feel better, Venusians get together and openly talk about their problems.

Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk

One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times, a man’s needs for feeling good are different from a woman’s. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems. Not understanding and accepting these differences creates unnecessary friction in our relationships.

WHY MEN GO INTO THEIR CAVES

He needs to think about a problem and find a practical solution.
He doesn’t have an answer to a question. Men were never taught to say “Gee, I don’t have an answer. I need to go into my cave and find one.”
He has become upset or stressed. At such times he needs to be alone to cool off and find his control again. He doesn’t want to do or say anything he might regret.
He needs some “space” or distance. When men are in love, at times they need to back up and regroup. Too much intimacy can create boredom on Mars; distance makes the heart grow fonder.

WHY WOMEN TALK

To convey or gather information.
To discover, explore, and develop what it is she wants to say.
To feel better and more centered when she is upset.
To create intimacy. By sharing her inner feelings, she feels more connected to others and to herself.

FIVE COMMON MISUNDERSTANDINGS

When a man is stuck in his cave, he is powerless to give his partner the quality attention she deserves. It is hard for her to be accepting of him at these times because she doesn’t know how stressed he is. When he doesn’t talk, she feels he is ignoring her. She mistakenly assumes he doesn’t care because he isn’t talking.

1. When a man is in the cave, he can record what she is saying with the 5 percent of his mind that is listening. He reasons he is listening to her. However, what she is asking for is his full, undivided attention.

2. He reasons that if his body is present, then she shouldn’t say he is not there. However, she doesn’t feel his full presence.

3. He reasons that because he is preoccupied with solving a problem that will in some way benefit her, she should know he cares. However, she needs to feel his direct caring through empathy and understanding.

4. He reasons that her feelings are invalid because his working benefits her. He doesn’t realize that when he focuses on work and ignores her, she may take it personally.

5. In his cave, a man is unaware of how his indifferent attitude might feel to others. He reasons that she is being too critical and demanding because he is doing something that is essential for him to solve problems. However, what she needs is his empathy and time before he offers solutions.

Finding Relief Through Talking

When a woman is stressed she instinctively feels a need to talk about her feelings and all the possible problems that are associated with them. When she begins talking she does not prioritize the significance of any problem. If she is upset, then she is upset about it all, big and small. She is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. By randomly talking about her problems, she becomes less upset.

When women talk about problems, men usually resist. A man assumes she is talking with him about her problems because she is holding him responsible. The more problems, the more he feels blamed. He does not realize that she is talking to feel better. A man doesn’t know that she will appreciate it if he just listens.

How the Martians and Venusians Found Peace

The Martians and Venusians lived together in peace because they were able to respect their differences. The Martians learned to respect that Venusians needed to talk to feel better. Even if the Martians didn’t have much to say, they learned that by listening they could be very supportive. The Venusians learned to respect that Martians needed to withdraw to cope with stress. The cave was no longer a great mystery or cause for alarm.

SIX WAYS TO SUPPORT A MAN IN HIS CAVE

1. Don’t disapprove of his need to withdraw.