The enormous task of figuring out what our partner needs is simplified greatly through understanding the twelve different kinds of love.
The Twelve Primary Love Needs
Men and women are generally unaware that they have different emotional needs. As a result, they do not instinctively know how to support each other. Men typically give in relationships what men want, while women give what women want. Each mistakenly assumes that the other has the same needs and desires.
SHE NEEDS CARING
HE NEEDS TRUST
When a man shows interest in a woman’s feelings and heartfelt concern for her well-being, she feels loved and cared for. When he makes her feel special in this caring way, he succeeds in fulfilling her first primary need. Naturally, she begins to trust him more, and becomes more open and receptive.
To trust a man is to believe that he is doing his best and that he wants the best for his partner. When a woman’s reactions reveal a positive belief in her man’s abilities and intentions, his first primary love need is fulfilled. Automatically he is more caring and attentive to her feelings and needs.
SHE NEEDS UNDERSTANDING
HE NEEDS ACCEPTANCE
When a man listens without judgment but with empathy to a woman express her feelings, she feels heard and understood. The more a woman’s need to be heard and understood is fulfilled, the easier it is for her to give her man the acceptance he needs.
When a woman lovingly receives a man without trying to change him, he feels accepted. When a man feels accepted it is much easier for him to listen and give her the understanding she needs and deserves.
SHE NEEDS RESPECT
HE NEEDS APPRECIATION
When a man responds to a woman in a way that acknowledges her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels respected. Concrete and physical expressions of respect, like flowers and remembering anniversaries, are essential to fulfill a woman’s third primary love need. When she feels respected it is much easier for her to give her man the appreciation he deserves.
When a woman acknowledges having received personal benefit and value from a man’s efforts and behavior, he feels appreciated. When a man is appreciated he knows his effort is not wasted and is thus encouraged to give more. When a man is appreciated, he respects his partner more.
SHE NEEDS DEVOTION
HE NEEDS ADMIRATION
When a man gives priority to a woman’s needs and proudly commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her, her fourth primary love need is fulfilled. A woman thrives when she feels adored. When a woman feels that she is number one in his life, then, quite easily, she admires him.
Just as a woman needs to feel a man’s devotion, a man has a primary need to feel a woman’s admiration. To admire a man is to regard him with wonder, delight, and pleased approval. When a man feels admired, he feels secure enough to devote himself to his woman and adore her.
SHE NEEDS VALIDATION
HE NEEDS APPROVAL
When a man does not object to a woman’s feelings but instead accepts their validity, she truly feels loved because her fifth primary need is fulfilled. (He can validate her point of view while having a different opinion.) When a man learns this validating attitude, he is assured of getting the approval he primarily needs.
Deep inside, every man wants to be his woman’s knight in shining armor. The signal that he has passed her tests is her approval. (Giving approval doesn’t always mean agreeing with him.) An approving attitude recognizes the good reasons behind what he does. When he receives the approval he needs, it becomes easier for him to validate her feelings.
SHE NEEDS REASSURANCE
HE NEEDS ENCOURAGEMENT
When a man repeatedly shows that he cares and is devoted to his partner, her primary need to be reassured is fulfilled. A reassuring attitude tells a woman that she is continually loved.
To fulfill her sixth primary love need he must remember to reassure her again and again.
A man commonly makes the mistake of thinking that once he has met all of a woman’s primary love needs, and she feels happy and secure, she should know from then on that she is loved.
A man primarily needs to be encouraged by a woman. A woman’s encouraging attitude gives hope and courage to a man by expressing confidence in his abilities and character. When a woman’s attitude expresses trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, and approval, it encourages a man to be all that he can be. Feeling encouraged motivates him to give her the loving reassurance she needs.