When a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer.

Men Are Like Rubber Bands

Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again.

Men instinctively feel this urge to pull away. It is not a decision or choice. It just happens. It is neither his fault nor her fault. It is a natural cycle.

 

A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back. When he has fully separated, then suddenly he will feel his need for love and intimacy again. Automatically, he will be more motivated to give his love and receive the love he needs. When a man springs back, he picks up the relationship at whatever degree of intimacy it was when he stretched away. He doesn’t feel any need for a period of getting reacquainted again.

Certainly a man may pull away if he feels rejected, but he will also pull away even if she has done nothing wrong. He may love and trust her, and then suddenly he begins to pull away. Like a stretched rubber band, he will distance himself and then come back all on his own.

 

Women misinterpret a man’s pulling away because generally a woman pulls away for different reasons. She pulls back when she doesn’t trust him to understand her feelings, when she has been hurt and is afraid of being hurt again, or when he has done something wrong and disappointed her.

 

A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy.

Two Ways Venusians Obstruct Martians’ Natural Intimacy Cycle

1. Chasing him when he pulls away.

Chasing Behavior

• When he pulls away, she physically follows him. He may walk into another room and she follows.
• When he pulls away, she emotionally follows him. She worries about him. She wants to help him feel better. She feels sorry for him.
• She disapproves of his need to be alone.
• She looks longingly or hurt when he pulls away.
• She may try to pull him back by asking him guilt-inducing questions such as “How could you treat me this way?” or “What’s wrong with you?” or “Don’t you realize how much it hurts when you pull away?”
• She becomes overly accommodating. She tries to be perfect so he would never have any reason to pull away. She gives up her sense of self and tries to become what she thinks he wants.

2. Punishing him for pulling away.

When a man is punished for pulling away, he may be afraid of ever doing it again. This fear may prevent him from pulling away in the future. His natural cycle is then broken.

Punishing Behavior

• When he begins to desire her again, she rejects him.
• When he returns, she is unhappy and blames him. She expresses her disapproval through words, tone of voice, and by looking at her partner in a wounded way.
• When he returns, she refuses to open up and share her feelings. She becomes cold and resents him for not opening up and talking.
• She stops trusting that he really cares and punishes him by not giving him a chance to listen and be the “good” guy.

WHAT EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN

If a man does not have the opportunity to pull away, he never gets a chance to feel his strong desire to be close. It is essential for women to understand that if they insist on continuous intimacy… or “run after” their partner when he pulls away, then he will almost always be trying to escape and distance himself; he will never get a chance to feel his own passionate longing for love.

THE WISE MARTIAN

Men generally don’t realize how their suddenly pulling away and then later returning affects women. With this new insight about how women are affected by his intimacy cycle, a man can recognize the importance of sincerely listening when a woman speaks. He understands and respects her need to be reassured that he is interested in her and he does care. Whenever he is not needing to pull away, the wise man takes the time to initiate conversation.

THE WISE VENUSIAN

To initiate a conversation the wise woman learns not to demand that a man talk but asks that he truly listen to her. She trusts that he will gradually open up. She does not punish him or chase after him. She understands that sometimes her intimate feelings trigger his need to pull away while at other times (when he is on his way back) he is quite capable of hearing her intimate feelings.